My shameful past: A history of celebrity crushes

October 31, 2013 at 10:31 am (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

We all know I currently have the good taste to obsess over Sherlock Holmes himself, Mr. Benedict Cumberbatch. But the truth is: I haven’t always had good taste. Some of my celebrity crushes are … a bit embarrassing in retrospect. But because my humiliation is your entertainment, here’s a list of celebrities I used to adore!

But before we get into that, let's all enjoy this photo of Benedict Cumberbatch!

Before we get into that, though, let’s all enjoy this photo of Benedict Cumberbatch!

1. Thriller-era Michael Jackson. I’m specifying the era here because at this point, his skin was still kind of dark, his nose hadn’t completely come off and there were no creepy child molestation allegations popping up yet.

I got over it by the second grade, though.

I got over it by the second grade, though.

2.Rick Astley. It’s true. I was Rickrolled. (Is that even a thing anymore?)

Sexy nerd glasses alert!

Sexy nerd glasses alert!

3. Joey from the New Kids on the Block. Happily, I got over it, and did not attend any of their reunion concerts.

Although if this current picture is any proof, I definitely picked the best New Kid on the Block.

At least it looks like I picked the New Kid on the Block who would age the best.

4. Balthazar Getty. He was soooo cute in Young Guns 2!

Such a bad boy!

Such a bad boy!

5. Emilio Estevez. He was soooo cute in Young Guns 2!

I, ah, really liked Young Guns 2.

I, ah, really liked Young Guns 2.

6. Stephen Baldwin. I think. Anyway, whichever Baldwin brother was in that short-lived TV show about the Pony Express.

Oh, yup. Stephen.

Oh, yup. Stephen.

7. Christian Slater. It was so bad, I even watched that terrible skateboarding movie he was in.

The good news is that I also watched Heathers.

The good news is that I also watched Heathers.

8.Kiefer Sutherland. This one isn’t that embarrassing, because Mr. Sutherland is still pretty awesome, though not as awesome as his dad.

It was the Lost Boys that did it.

It was the Lost Boys that did it. Although he was also in Young Guns 2.

But Donald is such an enduring example of utter silver fox. Mrow.

But Donald is such an enduring example of utter silver fox. Mrow.

9. Remington Steele. Er, I mean, Pierce Brosnan?

Wait, both those names are ridiculous.

Wait, both those names are ridiculous.

10. Nelson. I loved them for their long blonde hair, I guess.

Or possibly their fabulous sense of style.

Or possibly their fabulous sense of style.

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Holding babies over things: a guide to increased celebrity

July 29, 2010 at 6:06 pm (Top Ten) (, , , )

With the untimely deaths of Michael Jackson and the Crocodile Hunter, there has been a tragic dearth of celebrities holding their children over balconies and crocodiles. That seems a shame to me, as it is hilarious when celebrities hold their babies over things.

Here’s a list of suggestions to get them back in baby-holding-over-things gear.

1. The Grand Canyon. If you’re going to hold your celebrity baby over something, go big! Plus, there’s always tourists and their cameras at the Grand Canyon, so you wouldn’t even need to rely on the paparazzi to photograph you endangering your child.

Man, that canyon sure is grand!

2. A blender. My mother once knew a woman who left her 18-month-old on the kitchen counter with a running blender. Also, she didn’t have the lid on the blender. Also, later, her children were taken away. Bonus points if you can do this at a cooking show, where there is an audience.

This blender is called the "Ultimate Chopper." For what it does to babies' fingers.

3. Australia. Australia is home to a variety of dangerous and evil critters, like the blanket octopus (note: less cuddly than the word “blanket” implies) (note the second: you can do your own image search; I’m not putting one of these things on this blog), the bird-eating tarantula (which, as the name implies, is a spider that EATS GODDAMN BIRDS), the deadly cassowary and the box jellyfish (God’s little reminder to stay the hell away from the ocean always). Hell, you wouldn’t even need to hold your child over any of these things — just taking the kid to Australia is attention-getting enough.

Always remember: cassowaries want to kill you AND all your children.

4. An alligator. Crocodile’s already been done, you know? (God rest Steve Irwin’s stingray-loving soul.) But alligator — man, that’s new.

And make sure to point out the difference, because most people can't tell these hellbeasts apart.

5. Old Faithful. “What? No, this thing erupts on a schedule. I can totally pull Junior away in time.”

You could set your clock to Old Faithful, if you don't want your clock to be completely accurate.

6. The enclosures at the zoo. Because everyone knows babies want to pet tigers just as much as British grandmothers do!

The giant goddamn fangs are nature's way of saying "don't pet."

7. The ledge of a building. “Stop! Or the baby will jump!”

He's suicidal, just like that man in the business suit!

8. Rotating helicopter blade. Mixing aviation and babies is like mixing gin and tonic: a can’t-miss, surefire dose of awesome.

I wish I was drunk.

9. Michael Jackson’s grave. “It’s funny because it’s ironic!”

"Annie, are you OK? Are you OK? Are you OK, Annie?"

10. Niagara Falls. Because babies like romantic locales as much as the next guy.

I'm sure they're also fans of Marilyn Monroe films.

 

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