I saw a TV spot for People Like Us, and I was like, oh look, Channing Tatum’s in two movies this weekend, and then I thought, But Channing Tatum looks kind of funny, and then I realized it was New Captain Kirk, and anyway, he’s searching for his long-lost sister, which sounds really exciting to someone, I’m sure, and there’s Olivia Wilde in the trailer, trying to convey basic human emotions like surprise, going all, “OK, surprise, that’s the one where I have to open my eyes really wide and kind of gasp and then cover my mouth, right?”, because I swear she’s an alien or maybe some kind of robot, and that sort of thing is just really hard for her, and then Michelle Pfeiffer is in it too, and I’d be all happy that at least she’s getting work, but it’s for stuff like this, you know, and then the voiceover guy tells me it’s the most moving movie of the season or something, and I’m all like, “shut up, I hate you, this movie makes me want to write giant run-on sentences about how lame it’s all going to be,” and then I do.
(I’ll bet somebody’s already used that as a title.)
(It’s just so obvious, you know?)
Anyway, opening this weekend are Cowboys and Aliens, Smurfs and Crazy, Stupid, Love. I have nothing to say about Crazy, Stupid, Love except this: Why is there a comma after “Stupid”? Isn’t it being used as an adjective?
Moving right along, I kind of want to see Cowboys and Aliens because it is about cowboys fighting aliens.
I would be willing to overlook Olivia Wilde’s presence, but the filmmakers don’t seem to want to let me, because it looks like she is in almost every scene. Hopefully, she just stands there looking pretty and doesn’t talk much.
(Holy crap, I sound like an office boss from the 1950s.)
And then there’s The Smurfs. The Smurfs is how I know Hollywood hates you as much as Hollywood hates me.
Also that Neil Patrick Harris owes some bad people some bigtime money.
But seriously, folks, who wants to see three-dimensional Smurfs in New York City? It’s like one of those talking animal movies, except the animals are blue and one of them is voiced by Katy Perry. I dislike her on general principle, because who gets married to Russell Brand? Eck.
Anyway, I’d be willing to go see Cowboys and Aliens, if anyone wants to take me. We could ogle Olivia Wilde together (she’s so pretty!) and throw popcorn at the screen whenever she talks.
For the things Tron Legacy got right, I can forgive it for the things it got wrong.
For instance, it got right not casting Shia LaBeouf as Sam Flynn. Even though I’ve never heard of Garrett Hedlund before, I really appreciate that he’s not Shia LaBeouf. That’s great news. Just great!
Also, they got Jeff Bridges back, who is awesome.
Also, the special effects are great. So shiny, squee!
And Olivia Wilde is totally beautiful.
As far as the things they got wrong, only two things stood out for me:
Young Jeff Bridges just doesn’t look human enough. The good news is, Young Jeff Bridges is a computer program or whatever, so he doesn’t have to look all that human, so it’s OK. Although still a bit creepy.
Olivia Wilde is an awfully wooden actress, but I think in this case, that will work to her favor, like Keanu Reeves’ wooden performance as Neo in The Matrix. So it’s also not a big issue, but I just can’t forgive her for ruining House for me, so I thought I should mention it.
So, I forgive you, Disney, for ruining every fairy tale ever because I like shiny things.