So I was recently re-reading Preacher, and I thought how similar Jesse Custer’s “Word of God” power is to the “Push” power of, you know, whatsisname. Firestarter’s dad. From Firestarter. And then I thought, God, what is his name? And then I thought that I didn’t really care that much.
So, on to the epic battle of Jesse Custer and that one guy!
Physicality. So Jesse Custer’s all dark-haired and tall and good-looking, even if, at one point, people wanted to cast Ben Affleck to portray him, I think we can all agree that Ben’s not hideous or anything.
Firestarter’s dad had awesome ’80s hair. Winner? Jesse Custer.
Can convince you to do whatever he says? Yeah, if either of these guys is actually trying, they have the psychic ability to make you do whatever they say. It’s like the power of hypnotizing people, but awesome. Winner? A tie.
Can convince you to do whatever he says without suffering mini-strokes or brain aneurisms or whatever? Andy McGee (I totally had to learn his name to do an image search) has the tragic side effect of his superpower is killing him. That sucks. It would be like being Superman, except you got eye cancer every time you used your laser vision.
Or being Wolverine, and being invulnerable makes you die! (Gods, the irony!) Or being Batman, and awesomeness kills! Jesse Custer suffers from no such side effects, and doesn’t even die when he is killed. Winner? Jesse Custer.
Faces a more powerful enemy? Firestarter’s dad’s enemy is the government. (What? Just ’cause I learned his name doesn’t mean I can remember it 5 seconds later.) The government is a very powerful enemy. Especially when they’ve got crazy scientists and sociopathic assassins on their side. You’d think Firestarter’s dad would have this in the bag, right? Boom! You’re wrong. Jesse Custer is trying to defeat God. And not like in some hypothetical, bullshit metaphysical way. He actually meets God face to face several times and tries to call him on his bullshit. Another enemy he faces is a secret group that, like, owns the government, which automatically makes them more powerful than the government. Also, he’s got the Terminator-esque Saint of Killers to face, so, yeah. Those are some powerful enemies. Winner? Jesse Custer.
Has a tragic back story? Andy McGee’s tragic back story is that the government totally murdered his psychic wife and now he and his adorable little pyrokinetic daughter are on the run. That’s sad, but it doesn’t beat Jesse Custer’s tragic back story of how his father was murdered by his gran’ma and her evil cohorts, and he thought his mother was too, but then it turned out she wasn’t actually murdered, just shot in the brains and left to be eaten by alligators (all they got was an arm), and then they killed his dog and his best friend and put him in a coffin in the swamp for days at a time, and then they made him become a preacher and threatened to murder his girlfriend. Oh, and then they did murder his girlfriend. (It’s OK, though. God brought her back to life.) *Sniff* That is so goddamn tragic. Winner? Jesse Custer.
Has an adorable, superpowerful daughter? Firestarter’s dad has an adorable, superpowerful daughter! Jesse Custer, as far as I know, does not. Winner? Firestarter’s dad. (I was feeling bad for him.)
Has a cooler best friend? I don’t know if Firestarter’s dad has a best friend. He probably can’t trust anybody, what with being on the run from the government and all. But Jesse Custer has had two best friends: the first being a one-eyed mutant inbred freak and the second being a vampire back in the days before everybody and their plain sister was dating vampires. Winner? Jesse Custer.
Came back to life? Poor Firestarter and her dad. When he died, he died for good. Kaput, the end. When Jesse Custer died, God brought him back to life. Also, God saved him when he fell out of a plane, but then he ripped Jesse’s eye out, so that one was kind of a wash. Meh. Winner? Jesse Custer.
Because I’m feeling bad about the trouncing served up to Firestarter’s dad, overall winner? Jesse “Preacherman” Custer.
Word on the street, or the internets, which is like the street now, except for less traffic and all that pesky leaving your house and the like, is that Sam Mendes plans to make a Preacher movie!
Of course, since they’ve been planning to make a Preacher movies since the ’90s, with suggestions for casting Jesse Custer as widely varied and generally craptacular as Ben Affleck to James “Cyclops” Marsden (wait, that’s not widely varied at all. It’s the opposite of that), I’m not exactly holding my breath. I am, however, cautiously optimistic. A bit. Ish.
In the meantime, however, let’s make a list!
Preacher: the most perfect cast ever!
1. Jesse Custer: Jeffrey Donovan of Burn Notice. He’s no Ben Affleck, but — oh, no, wait. “He’s no Ben Affleck” is his selling point.
2. Tulip O’Hare: I could recommend Gabriel Anwar just to keep the whole Burn Notice theme going, but she’s kind of scrawny, so I want someone with a little more brawn. Which is why I’m going to suggest Yvonne Strahovski from Chuck. She’s beautiful, and I believe that she could truly kick everyone’s ass 12 ways from Sunday, if that is indeed a cliche.
3. Cassidy: Someone recommended Guy Pearce, who would be good, but I think once I said it should be Edward Norton, and I stand by that. Unless they can get Robert Carlyle, and then they should. In fact, go to hell, Norton.
4. Saint of Killers: At first I thought the only option was bringing John Wayne back from the dead, but then I realized Clint Eastwood is John Wayne brought back from the dead.
5. Arseface: Hey, that Zac Efron kid was looking to be taken seriously as an actor, right? Playing a disfigured Kurt Cobain fan is just the ticket! Just make sure to flashback to his pretty, pretty face. (Soooo pretty!)
6. Herr Starr: Patrick Stewart. Mostly for the baldness, partly for the Jean-Luc Picardness.
7. Genesis: Do not go with some craptastic CGI for this thing. We need whoever makes Guillermo del Toro’s monsters and we need them stat.
8. Jody: I’ve heard the name “Woody Harrelson” tossed around for this guy, but since I hate him for the whole “Zombies made me hit the paparrazzi” thing, like, take pride in your papparazzi beating, dude, I’m going to have to say let’s poach another Chuck actor instead: Adam Baldwin. I fear/love him. Flove?
9. Gran’ma: Does Elizabeth Taylor still act? Or breathe? She would be good.
10. God: Just … not Alanis Morrissette, okay?