Preacher on TV’s finally going to be a thing, for realsie now

February 7, 2014 at 2:18 pm (Randomosity) ()

Glory be! AMC is going to develop a Preacher series!

I’m not sure how I feel about this, because ’90s me definitely wanted to marry Garth Ennis for writing this comic, but 2014 me is like, ehhhhhh….

'90s me is like: "For God's sake, read it again, it's awesome!"

’90s me is like: “For God’s sake, read it again, it’s awesome!”

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Jesse Custer vs. Firestarter’s dad

April 8, 2011 at 5:50 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , )

So I was recently re-reading Preacher, and I thought how similar Jesse Custer’s “Word of God” power is to the “Push” power of, you know, whatsisname. Firestarter’s dad. From Firestarter. And then I thought, God, what is his name? And then I thought that I didn’t really care that much.

You could try harder to care.

Jesse Custer: superhero for the ages.

So, on to the epic battle of Jesse Custer and that one guy!

Physicality. So Jesse Custer’s all dark-haired and tall and good-looking, even if, at one point, people wanted to cast Ben Affleck to portray him, I think we can all agree that Ben’s not hideous or anything.

Unlike his buddy Matt Damon here.

Firestarter’s dad had awesome ’80s hair. Winner? Jesse Custer.

Can convince you to do whatever he says? Yeah, if either of these guys is actually trying, they have the psychic ability to make you do whatever they say. It’s like the power of hypnotizing people, but awesome. Winner? A tie.

Can convince you to do whatever he says without suffering mini-strokes or brain aneurisms or whatever? Andy McGee (I totally had to learn his name to do an image search) has the tragic side effect of his superpower is killing him. That sucks. It would be like being Superman, except you got eye cancer every time you used your laser vision.

Gaaah! I can feel the cancer in my eyes!

Or being Wolverine, and being invulnerable makes you die! (Gods, the irony!) Or being Batman, and awesomeness kills! Jesse Custer suffers from no such side effects, and doesn’t even die when he is killed. Winner? Jesse Custer.

Oh, God, my brains hurt so bad right now.

Faces a more powerful enemy? Firestarter’s dad’s enemy is the government. (What? Just ’cause I learned his name doesn’t mean I can remember it 5 seconds later.) The government is a very powerful enemy. Especially when they’ve got crazy scientists and sociopathic assassins on their side. You’d think Firestarter’s dad would have this in the bag, right? Boom! You’re wrong. Jesse Custer is trying to defeat God. And not like in some hypothetical, bullshit metaphysical way. He actually meets God face to face several times and tries to call him on his bullshit. Another enemy he faces is a secret group that, like, owns the government, which automatically makes them more powerful than the government. Also, he’s got the Terminator-esque Saint of Killers to face, so, yeah. Those are some powerful enemies. Winner? Jesse Custer.

I can't remember who I thought should play the Saint of Killers in a Preacher movie, but whoever he is, he's not scary enough.

Has a tragic back story? Andy McGee’s tragic back story is that the government totally murdered his psychic wife and now he and his adorable little pyrokinetic daughter are on the run. That’s sad, but it doesn’t beat Jesse Custer’s tragic back story of how his father was murdered by his gran’ma and her evil cohorts, and he thought his mother was too, but then it turned out she wasn’t actually murdered, just shot in the brains and left to be eaten by alligators (all they got was an arm), and then they killed his dog and his best friend and put him in a coffin in the swamp for days at a time, and then they made him become a preacher and threatened to murder his girlfriend. Oh, and then they did murder his girlfriend. (It’s OK, though. God brought her back to life.) *Sniff* That is so goddamn tragic. Winner? Jesse Custer.

And after Tulip came back to life, she helped kill the hell out of Jesse's evil family, because she is the best girlfriend ever.

Has an adorable, superpowerful daughter? Firestarter’s dad has an adorable, superpowerful daughter! Jesse Custer, as far as I know, does not. Winner? Firestarter’s dad. (I was feeling bad for him.)

Drew Barrymore was just so wee and cute here! Also deadly. Can't forget the deadly.

Has a cooler best friend? I don’t know if Firestarter’s dad has a best friend. He probably can’t trust anybody, what with being on the run from the government and all. But Jesse Custer has had two best friends: the first being a one-eyed mutant inbred freak and the second being a vampire back in the days before everybody and their plain sister was dating vampires. Winner? Jesse Custer.

Yeah, he's not one of those sensitive vampires.

 

This seems like as good a place as any to slip in that picture of Arseface that I found, because: wheeee! Arseface!

Came back to life? Poor Firestarter and her dad. When he died, he died for good. Kaput, the end. When Jesse Custer died, God brought him back to life. Also, God saved him when he fell out of a plane, but then he ripped Jesse’s eye out, so that one was kind of a wash. Meh. Winner? Jesse Custer.

Because I’m feeling bad about the trouncing served up to Firestarter’s dad, overall winner? Jesse “Preacherman” Custer.

You know, I'm not sure why he kept wearing the collar after he quit preaching, other than Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon thought it looked cool.

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A Preacher movie maybe

August 14, 2009 at 3:55 pm (Top Ten) (, , , )

Let's just update their wardrobe a tad, and this will be the best HBO series ever. Whaddya mean, HBO doesn't want it anymore? Go to hell, HBO. Go to hell with Norton.

Let's just update their wardrobe a tad, and this will be the best HBO series ever. Whaddya mean, HBO doesn't want it anymore? Go to hell, HBO. Go to hell with Norton.

Word on the street, or the internets, which is like the street now, except for less traffic and all that pesky leaving your house and the like, is that Sam Mendes plans to make a Preacher movie!

Of course, since they’ve been planning to make a Preacher movies since the ’90s, with suggestions for casting Jesse Custer as widely varied and generally craptacular as Ben Affleck to James “Cyclops” Marsden (wait, that’s not widely varied at all. It’s the opposite of that), I’m not exactly holding my breath. I am, however, cautiously optimistic. A bit. Ish.

In the meantime, however, let’s make a list!

Preacher: the most perfect cast ever!

Seriously, all I can think about now is hearing this man say "I swear" with a Texas accent.

Seriously, all I can think about now is hearing this man say "I swear" with a Texas accent.

1. Jesse Custer: Jeffrey Donovan of Burn Notice. He’s no Ben Affleck, but — oh, no, wait. “He’s no Ben Affleck” is his selling point.

2. Tulip O’Hare: I could recommend Gabriel Anwar just to keep the whole Burn Notice theme going, but she’s kind of scrawny, so I want someone with a little more brawn. Which is why I’m going to suggest Yvonne Strahovski from Chuck. She’s beautiful, and I believe that she could truly kick everyone’s ass 12 ways from Sunday, if that is indeed a cliche.

3. Cassidy: Someone recommended Guy Pearce, who would be good, but I think once I said it should be Edward Norton, and I stand by that. Unless they can get Robert Carlyle, and then they should. In fact, go to hell, Norton.

4. Saint of Killers: At first I thought the only option was bringing John Wayne back from the dead, but then I realized Clint Eastwood is John Wayne brought back from the dead.

5. Arseface: Hey, that Zac Efron kid was looking to be taken seriously as an actor, right? Playing a disfigured Kurt Cobain fan is just the ticket! Just make sure to flashback to his pretty, pretty face. (Soooo pretty!)

6. Herr Starr: Patrick Stewart. Mostly for the baldness, partly for the Jean-Luc Picardness.

7.  Genesis: Do not go with some craptastic CGI for this thing. We need whoever makes Guillermo del Toro’s monsters and we need them stat.

8. Jody: I’ve heard the name “Woody Harrelson” tossed around for this guy, but since I hate him for the whole “Zombies made me hit the paparrazzi” thing, like, take pride in your papparazzi beating, dude, I’m going to have to say let’s poach another Chuck actor instead: Adam Baldwin. I fear/love him. Flove?

9. Gran’ma: Does Elizabeth Taylor still act? Or breathe? She would be good.

10. God: Just … not Alanis Morrissette, okay?

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