The new G.I. Joe movie comes out today and there is really only one thing you need to know before deciding to see it. That one thing is: Did Ray Park return as Snake Eyes?
The answer is: YES GET YOUR ASS TO THE MOVIE THEATER STAT! Ray Park’s gonna do stuff!
Now, we all know that when Buffy faced Eliza Dushku’s Faith on the small screen, she came up triumphant. I’m not quite certain how we all know that, especially myself, as I have only seen three episodes of Buffy and (scandal!) didn’t like any of them. The episode in which Buffy defeats Faith was not one of those three episodes, by the by.
But what if, just what if, mind you, Buffy had to go up against Whatserface from Dollhouse (not to be confused with Whatserella from what is sure to be a soon bestselling young adult romance, “Title Coming Soon, and it has something to do with Bulgarian Demons”)?
Well, she can’t.
Except here, in the pages of Hollywood Hates Me.
Let the battle of the Joss Whedon “feminist” icons begin! (They’re not particularly feminist, is why the quote marks.)
Physicality. I like pretty people. Men, women, it doesn’t matter. Pretty people make me weak in the knees and I go “guh guh guh” a lot. Sarah Michelle Gellar is cute and so is Eliza Dushku, but neither lady makes me “guh guh guh.” So, um, I pick Sarah Michelle Gellar, because she’s been in more cosmetics commercials. That’s a sign of beauty, right?
Ass-kicking quotient: Like the previous matchup of Superman vs. Batman, we come across a slight disparity in skills here. Buffy is the Slayer by birth and has all sorts of supernatural abilities at her disposal. (Including, apparently, the power of being irresistable to hot vampires.) Echo, on the other hand, can have all sorts of martial arts bad-assedness programmed into her (I assume? I haven’t watched this show either. Don’t ask me why I’m writing about it, then. Shut up.), possibly even the awesome that is Ray Park. I love you, Ray Park. Winner? Echo, because I love Ray Park. (Wait, is that even logical?)
Feminism! I recently read a hilarious article on Cracked.com about why it sucks to be a Joss Whedon fan, and it made me feel bad for all you Whedonites out there. You poor, poor bastards. Anyhoo! It made the point that Whedon claims to be a feminist, then has these scantily-clad women running around kicking ass … but they need a man to complete them, so it’s really more like he’s a fanboy. Sounds about right to me. However, apparently, people (any ladies among you?) consider his female characters as icons of feminism, and since Buffy was the first one, she wins. Whoo. Go, Buffy.
Speaking of men completing them. Buffy got to date the sloping-foreheaded Angel before she went on to the superiorly beautiful Spike. There were some other guys in between or something, but 1) didn’t watch the show and 2) James Marsters is bleeding stunning, so they don’t count.
I don’t know if Echo has a love interest. She’s like a blank slate or something, with no personality of her own. (Yes, I mean Echo, not Eliza Dushku.) But she does get to hang out with Helo from Battlestar Galactica, who certainly brings on the pretty.
In conclusion, I would not turn either of these gents away were I to get them drunk enough to hang out with me in the first place. It’s a tie!
Speaking of men some more, which one of these characters is basically a high-priced escort/dating sim? Echo wins! And by wins, I mean loses! Go to hell, Joss Whedon.
Saved the world? I’m pretty sure that’s on Buffy’s gravestone. Winner? Buffy.
Got Joss Whedon to create an entire series based around her “acting” “ability”? Winner? Eliza Dushku! I mean, Echo!
Has a group of reliable friends? In Echo’s case, not particularly. I mean, unless you count a bunch of personality-less (until they’re imprinted with one, and seriously, how do I know this stuff since I’ve never seen an episode?) drones, she’s got no one. Well, she’s got Helo, but whatever. Buffy had the “Scooby Gang,” and one of them was a powerful witch. Winner? Buffy!
Overall winner? Buffy, by a squidge.
Yeah, yeah, so earlier, I led all y’all to believe that I might start watching Heroes again now that it has Ray Park in it. I love me some Ray Park, and yes, I did watch that horrible Ecks vs. Sever movie, but that was only an hour and a half of my life, plus my friend made popcorn and gave me beer, so it wasn’t that bad. Heroes, however, is one hour every week. One hour every week. I don’t think I could do it even if Bruce Campbell guest-starred.
Why, you ask? (I know you asked it because I can heeeeearrr you.) Here’s why:
1. That whiny bitch Peter is still in the show, right? Someone shut him up, and stat. Ooooh, poor me, I’m like Rogue only without the killing people by touching them, wah, wah, wah, boo-hoo.
2. I assume Hiro is still not living up to his potential. I gave up on Heroes halfway through the first season, when I realized I was only watching the Hiro/Ando scenes and skipping the rest. And then I realized I was only watching their scenes to see how much Japanese I could pick out. (Answer? Not much. I felt really, really stupid, unless they were counting, and then I was like, “Ichi?! I know that word! That word means one!!”)
3. By living up to his potential, I mean killing people with his samurai sword. He’s not doing that, is he? I didn’t see that future episode, where Hiro was all bad-ass, but it sounded almost worth watching, what with the … kill people with your samurai sword already! That’s what a samurai sword is for!! Cripes!
4. Nathan is dead, but Sylar isn’t dead, but Sylar is Nathan, and he just came back from the dead. What the bloody hell, show? What. The. Bloody. Hell.
5. Ray Park is playing Edgar, whose superpower is speed, like Daphne, not martial artistry? Seriously? You have Ray Park and you give him a superpower that doesn’t emphasize his actual real superhuman ability to kick your ass? God damn you, show.
6. That guy who wrote the good dialogue is gone again. Apparently, the dialogue really improves when the Pushing Daisies creator is on the show. I wouldn’t know, because I stopped watching before he showed up. In any case, he came back after Daisies was canceled, and is now gone again, as per that first sentence I wrote.
7. Claire’s still a moron. Hey! I can spontaneously regenerate and heal and such, which is a skill sure to make scientists want to disect the hell out of me. I will now demonstrate this power in plain sight of tons of other people, because I am a dumbass.
8. Of course, she is related to that wiener Peter. I hate you so much, Peter. So. Much.
9. They’re still dropping plotlines like mad, aren’t they. Yeah, whatever did happen to that damn wiener Peter’s girlfriend who got trapped in the future? And that little girl who could find all the people with powers? And the invisible guy?
10. Mohinder is gone? Does that mean his voiceovers are gone, too? Wow, I was wrong! That does improve this season!
Q. Is it possible for TV to hurt me any more?
A. Only if they cast Ray Park in Grey’s Anatomy or Desperate Housewives or something even worse than stupid Heroes.
Call this “the movie I might be seeing this weekend.”
I can’t decide. Every time the trailer comes on screen, my eyes are inexorably drawn to it. And then I realize: hey, I’m only watching this for those precious few seconds featuring my boy Ray Park.
I mean, jeez, it’s not like I can bring myself to be excited about Baroness’s expansive cleavage (it is, admittedly, quite spectacular, but it just makes me feel inferior as an evil spy-woman, you know?). Or whoever that prettyboy playing Duke is. Or whichever Wayans brother is in it. Or the subpar special effects.
And it’s not like I played with GI Joe toys when I was a kid. I was a girl. I played with my brother’s He-Man and Transformers toys, obviously. Obviously.
In the course of my “research” on this post, imagine my surprise to learn that Snake-Eyes is blonde and blue-eyed under that uniform, and that he is romantically linked to Scarlet (who I can only assume is boobtacular, yet less evil than Baroness). I’d always assumed he had some sort of tragic Dr. Doom-esque back story. (Wait. Does Dr. Doom have a tragic back story? I guess I’m only familiar with the Toyfare version, where Reed Richards kicks sand in his face….)
So, in the end, will I really spend $8 (or whatever) to go see some Aryan guy in combat gear fight with swords?
Well, that Aryan guy is Ray Park….
G.I. Joe opens this weekend, and Ray Park is, in the best bit of casting ever, is Snake Eyes. For this reason alone, I am tempted to see the film.
Here’s 10 reasons you should want to too:
1. There was one good thing about the new Star Wars movies and it got cut in half right in the first film because George Lucas hates me.
2. There were two good things about Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, and neither of those things were the title. (It was Ray Park and Lucy Liu, hi!)
3. Could anyone else have played Toad with such panache?
4. I mean, sure he got electrocuted and was sent to his death with a terrible joke, but he was pretty kick-ass right up until then.
5. Specifically, I’m talking about when he grabbed that steel rod for no reason and twirled it around. Also for no reason.
6. Did you know that he’s Scottish? Bet ya didn’t, ’cause if you did, you would be writing this list instead of me. (OK, he’s an Englishman who was born in Scotland, but they both possess awesome accents, so stop judging me.)
7. He was Christopher Walken’s stunt double in “Sleepy Hollow,” which is two layers of bad-assery right there.
8. He’s a southpaw, and I love that because so is Bart Simpson.
9. His martial art of choice, Northern Shaolin Kung Fu, is also popular with other movie gods, Bruce and Jet (Lee and Li).
10. Also, he makes gymnastics seem all manly and shit.