Even if Dudley Moore had survived, he couldn’t have prevented this atrocity
The Arthur remake.
I didn't think I could possibly hate you more, Hollywood, so congratulations! You've proven me wrong.
Why did someone find that necessary? Why did someone find the fame of Russell Brand necessary?
And why didn’t I recognize Jennifer Garner? I was all like, I know I recognize that brunette, but how? Could someone save Helen Mirren? Why am I writing everything in the form of questions again????
You're too good for him, Helen Mirren! Punch him in the throat! Punch him in the throat!
But enough about Arthur and how I hope it tanks so Russell Brand will please, please, please just go away forever, how about Hanna?
And look at that! Adapt or die is totally my life motto.
Doesn’t it look awesome? I love child assassins. As a fictional concept, not as a reality. (Seriously, if any of you are raising your child to become the perfect assassin, there is something wrong with you and someone needs to take your child away, quickly, and give it lots and lots of hugs and possibly hot chocolate.)
Child assassins deserve hot chocolate.
Plus isn’t Saoirse Ronan just beautifully eerie, with her pale hair and blue eyes? You can’t look at that girl and not think she isn’t planning to kill you. (Or is a ghost, I guess, but I never saw The Lovely Bones.)
Spooooooooky.
And the fight scenes look suitably brutal, and Eric Bana doesn’t suck or anything and, whee!, Cate Blanchett!
So, yeah, let’s all pretend that of the two movies with people’s names as titles opening this weekend, one of them doesn’t exist and go see Hanna instead.
I just think Saoirse Ronan looks really cool in this photo, even if I can't pronounce her name at all.
Because throat punching.
Even throat punching is more awesome when a kangaroo does it.
An open plea to James Marsden
Dear James Marsden,
You are so talented and cute and funny, and you make me so sad. Why do you make me so sad?
Awwww, look how huggable you are here! Do you need a hug? You do! You do need a hug!
Let’s look at your resume, shall we?
Ally McBeal?
Ooooh, Portia de Rossi has such pretty hair, though.
27 Dresses?
That's a lot of dresses. Also? What a stupid movie.
Superman Returns?
An open plea to the makers of the new Superman film: no grit. Please. Superman isn't gritty. PS: thank you for not casting Kate Bosworth.
X-Men: The Last Stand?
I mean, at least they let your character get killed off right away, but that was only so you could be in the aforementioned Superman Returns, so it's like two layers of suck here.
I mean, sure, there’s some winners in there, like X-Men and X2 and Enchanted, but then you do a voice part in Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore?
I don't mind that Scott Summers is a wanker when he's being played by you, James Marsden.
(Why is this post mostly questions?)
James Marsden, what I am saying, sir, is this: Please stop starring in movies like Hop, which is a Russell Brand vehicle for some reason, because someone apparently wants that stringy-haired Brit to be famous. More famous? (Like, Arthur? What the hell is up with that?)
And why the hair? What with the hair?
(Why can’t I stop phrasing things in the form of questions today? Am I channeling Alex Trebek?)
And if I am, I hope it's the fabulously mustachioed-era Alex Trebek.
To continue, James Marsden, I implore you to be in films that are worthy of 1) your looks; 2) your comedic timing; 3) your looks again; 4) your acting ability; and 5) definitely your looks some more.
It's just that they're quite tremendous, is all.
I’m trying to think of some good suggestions right now, but nothing is coming to me.
Just not the new Wonder Woman television series, OK?
It's going to suck. We all know it's going to suck. Her awesome figure cannot distract from how BADLY the new Wonder Woman is going to suck.
Thanks for your consideration.
(Oh, and in case you were wondering, I’m not seeing Hop.)
I'm sorry, James Marsden, but I just won't do it.
