The Arthur remake.
Why did someone find that necessary? Why did someone find the fame of Russell Brand necessary?
And why didn’t I recognize Jennifer Garner? I was all like, I know I recognize that brunette, but how? Could someone save Helen Mirren? Why am I writing everything in the form of questions again????
But enough about Arthur and how I hope it tanks so Russell Brand will please, please, please just go away forever, how about Hanna?
Doesn’t it look awesome? I love child assassins. As a fictional concept, not as a reality. (Seriously, if any of you are raising your child to become the perfect assassin, there is something wrong with you and someone needs to take your child away, quickly, and give it lots and lots of hugs and possibly hot chocolate.)
Plus isn’t Saoirse Ronan just beautifully eerie, with her pale hair and blue eyes? You can’t look at that girl and not think she isn’t planning to kill you. (Or is a ghost, I guess, but I never saw The Lovely Bones.)
And the fight scenes look suitably brutal, and Eric Bana doesn’t suck or anything and, whee!, Cate Blanchett!
So, yeah, let’s all pretend that of the two movies with people’s names as titles opening this weekend, one of them doesn’t exist and go see Hanna instead.
Because throat punching.
Dear James Marsden,
You are so talented and cute and funny, and you make me so sad. Why do you make me so sad?
Let’s look at your resume, shall we?
X-Men: The Last Stand?
I mean, sure, there’s some winners in there, like X-Men and X2 and Enchanted, but then you do a voice part in Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore?
(Why is this post mostly questions?)
James Marsden, what I am saying, sir, is this: Please stop starring in movies like Hop, which is a Russell Brand vehicle for some reason, because someone apparently wants that stringy-haired Brit to be famous. More famous? (Like, Arthur? What the hell is up with that?)
(Why can’t I stop phrasing things in the form of questions today? Am I channeling Alex Trebek?)
To continue, James Marsden, I implore you to be in films that are worthy of 1) your looks; 2) your comedic timing; 3) your looks again; 4) your acting ability; and 5) definitely your looks some more.
I’m trying to think of some good suggestions right now, but nothing is coming to me.
Just not the new Wonder Woman television series, OK?
Thanks for your consideration.
(Oh, and in case you were wondering, I’m not seeing Hop.)