Things I can’t compete with
When fabulous poet/wit Dorothy Parker feared her husband Alan Campbell was having a homosexual affair, she was quoted as saying: “I can compete with the girls, you know, but not with the boys.”
She had a point.
Thus, for your reading pleasure, here’s a list of 10 things that I can’t compete with:
1. Ziyi Zhang. Put me up against the talented Chinese actress and, for some reason, I always come up lacking.
But so does everyone! I mean, look at her!
2. The boys. Again, Ms. Parker had a point here. It’s hard to compete against the boys when the boys have bits that the girls don’t.
Also, they're so PRETTY nowadays.
3. Your body pillow girlfriend/wife. There are many things body pillows can do that I can’t, and one of those things includes tolerating someone who would marry a body pillow.
Tolerate? Actually, I would have a hard time not punching you in the throat. Enjoy your body pillow.
4. Cylons. Cylons look like Tricia Helfer and Grace Park. I don’t so much.
Lucy Lawless is also more awesome than I am.
5. Your awesome CIA girlfriend. In every category, I come up short when compared to your awesome CIA girlfriend.
For instance, my hair NEVER looks this good when I'm in a gun fight.
6. That anime character you have a crush on. It’s true. I don’t have perky anime boobs, and I’m not charmingly clumsy, so when I fall, I don’t land with my lacy panties slightly exposed, I end up scraping most of the skin off my face and bleeding all over.
Of course, you will always come in second to Spike Spiegel, so we have that in common, anyway.
7. Dorothy Parker. She was witty, she wrote great poetry and short stories, and she could hold her liquor waaaaaay better than I can. She could also come up with witty retorts on the spot, and I just can’t do that.
I'm the poor man's Dorothy Parker! The really, really, really, REALLY poor man's Dorothy Parker!
8. Your ex, Julia. I just can’t wear a full-body leather suit with that panache. I wish I could, but I can’t.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: I. Sweat.
9. Lady superheroes. I was just going to say “superheroes,” but I specifically mean the ones who keep their superhero costumes up with a bit of spirit gum and luck.
Also, gravity isn't an issue for superheroes.
10. Your 1985 Crown Victoria. I can’t compete with a car like that. I won’t even try.
Pictured here: something that is better than me in every way.
Fiona Glenanne vs. Sarah Walker
In honor of two of my favorite-est shows returning for new seasons/half-seasons, I present this battle between Fi and Sarah.
Both these ladies are ass-kicking beauties who have a variety of skills, from the art of seduction to driving fast cars to conning the hell out of an unwitting mark. Yup, Fiona and Sarah are badasses all the way.
What? No, no, I can't hear you over the dying screams of the person I'm shooting.
Sarah Walker: more deadly than the average fast food employee.
But whose ass is badder?
And does that even make sense?
Errr, on to the battle! Of fictional ladies! Whoo!
Physicality. There’s no denying that both Fiona Glenanne and Sarah Walker are beautiful, beautiful women. Fiona has this kind of, I don’t know, elegance about her. She looks very Renaissance, like women would have looked back then if they had been much, much thinner.
And her legs totally go on forever!
Sarah, on the other hand, is possibly the most beautiful girl ever. Really, though, the only complaint you could have is that Fiona is really, really skinny and whoever picks out her wardrobe is doing a poor job of hiding that. Winner? Sarah. I mean, she’s just so pretty.
Please be my friend, Sarah Walker.
Ass-kicking quotient? Here is another nearly even match. While Sarah is better with the ol’ fisticuffs, Fiona won’t hesitate to blow you to hell with a neatly planted bomb. They’re both good with guns and have no qualms about kicking you in the face should the need arise. Winner? It’s a total tie.
Has a cute brunette boyfriend? Sure, sure, they’re both on-again, off-again, but you know when the cameras are done rolling forever on both these shows, the viewers want Chuck and Sarah and Michael Westen and Fiona together. Although I wouldn’t mind seeing Michael and Sarah on a date, that would be some kind of awesome, am I right? (I’m sooooo right. Especially if said date led to some sort of international hijinks and they had to kick ass together, and Chuck and Fiona were all like, this sucks, and then Fiona was like, hey, wanna blow stuff up? and Chuck was like, well, I’ve got nothing better to do. Sure. And then they did.) But really, both have super cute brunette boyfriends and the only difference is do you prefer your boy clean-cut and snarky or floppy-haired and sweet (yet snarky). And the answer is: it doesn’t matter. Clean-cut, floppy-haired, they’re the brunettes with the hot girlfriends. Winner? A tie again!
Clean-cut?
Or floppy-haired? It's just too hard to choose.
Fights for good? Sarah is with the CIA, a.k.a. the government. Depending on your perspective, that can be a good thing or a bad thing. However, all of the missions of hers we’ve witnessed involved saving innocent (or at least semi-innocent) people from a horrible fate. Fi also fights for the little guy at the side of her super smokin’ hot boyfriend Michael. Before that, however, she was in the IRA, which means she was completely and utterly evil. And she’s actually still kind of evil. Winner? Sarah.
Sweeter ride? I know Fi drives a Saab, unless it got blowed up good on some episode I missed. Sarah drives some sporty little number. The real competition here, then, is between their boyfriend’s cars. Chuck drives a Nerd Herder, which is a cute little, I don’t know, something German or maybe Swedish? Anyway, it’s totally cute and John Casey put all sorts of awesome extras into it, so it’s like some sort of super spy-car now.
Then again, it does say "Nerd Herd" on it.
On the other hand, Michael Westen drives a 1971 Charger. Winner? Fiona.
I love the Charger.
Better cover identity? Sarah’s cover identity is that she works at a yogurt shop and is Chuck’s on-again off-again girlfriend. Fiona doesn’t bother with a cover ID. Winner? In this case, I’m going to have to go with Fiona, because like anyone is going to buy that a chick that looks like Sarah wouldn’t be an aspiring model or something.
Gets to hang out with Bruce Campbell? You know, I like to think that if Bruce Campbell wasn’t so busy with Burn Notice right now, he would totally make time for a guest shot on Chuck. Unfortunately, he is totally busy with Burn Notice, so Fiona wins again.
And I never miss the opportunity to reiterate that Bruce Campbell is a god.
That’s weird. You don’t even like Fiona. It’s true.
On the other hand, gets to hang out with Adam Baldwin? The best Baldwin brother of all! (He’s not one of the Baldwin brothers, so he (and we) wins.) Also, Sarah wins.
This is my post with the most people with guns ever! My mom would be so proud.
On to a tiebreaker? On to a tiebreaker.
The final, tie-breaking question? Errr, I actually hadn’t thought any further ahead than the cute boyfriend question.
How much prep goes into these things, anyway? Oh, tons. Just tons.
You ready to get on with it now? Yes?
The ultimate tie-breaking question: Better opening credits for your supra-awesome show, ladies? Oh, man, now that’s just a hard one. Burn Notice has the whole “I’m Michael Westen. I used to be a spy, until….” But Chuck has the whole “NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA can’t count nas and type while singing the Cake theme song there!” But isn’t Burn Notice’s intro basically a recap? Yeah, but “a friend who used to inform on you to the FBI.” “You know spies, a bunch of bitchy little girls.” But Chuck has the cute little animated guy! Why did I make this question the tie-breaker? Why indeed?!! Winner? Sarah, because Burn Notice’s intro isn’t a proper show opener at all. It’s a recap. (Still awesome, though.)
NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA!
Overall winner? Wow, this was a tighter race than I thought it would be. Sarah. Barely. Try a little harder next time, why don’t you, spy-girl?
Oooh, bonus points for invoking the holy trilogy!
