Princess Leia vs. Turanga Leela
Here’s a battle between two lovely ladies for your reading pleasure. What do Leia Organa and Turanga Leela have in common, you ask?
Leela and Leia kind of sound alike, that’s what.
On to the battle!
Physicality. One is a young Carrie Fisher with either really long hair or a late 20th-century weave. The other is a Cyclops that is also a cartoon. Winner? Hey, who doesn’t find cartoons attractive? … Seriously, though, it’s a tie.
There is literally nothing wrong with having a crush on a cartoon character when he’s this awesome.
Is an interstellar space princess? Again with the redundancy, but I really enjoy saying “interstellar space.” Anywho, you know who’s an interstellar space princess? Princess Leia! Princess Leia is an interstellar space princess. Winner? Princess Leia!
They don’t get more interstellar space princess-y than that!
Is a sewer-dwelling mutant? Hey, Leela doesn’t live in the sewers! But her parents do, and sometimes she visits, so we’ll call it “close enough.” Winner? Turanga Leela!
Plus, in a fight, she tends to side with the sewer-dwelling mutants.
Has a ray gun? Everybody in the future has ray guns! Also, people living long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away. They also have ray guns. Winner? Everybody wins when they’ve got ray guns!
Ray gun!
Ray gun! (Again.)
Has a better romantic interest? Princess Leia’s romantic interest is Han Solo. They’ve got a will-they-or-won’t-they thing going on, and it turns out they totally will, and everybody went squeeeeee! Han Solo is an interstellar space pirate who looks like a young Harrison Ford. Turanga Leela’s romantic is Philip J. Fry, a sweet-natured, slightly dim 20th century boy who ended up in the future through a wacky series of misadventures. Well, okay, just the one misadventure, really. Winner? As with Kara Thrace before him, anybody who goes up against a young Harrison Ford is going to come up just a wee bit short. Princess Leia.
Although, let it never be said that I wasn’t rooting for this to happen pretty much all along.
Travels through space? In the future and also, apparently, in the past, everybody travels through space.
Winner? It’s a tie.
Looks good in a Slave Leia costume? If you’d think the winner would be obvious, then you haven’t see this image before:
Mrow!
Winner? Another tie!
Oh, of course we weren’t getting out of here without an actual Slave Leia picture, never fear.
Fights an epic evil? If by “fights an epic evil,” you mean “delivers packages to other planets,” then, yes, Turanga Leela fights an epic evil. But you don’t mean that, so: Winner? Princess Leia.
Pilots an interstellar delivery ship? Man, if there’s one thing Star Wars fans would love to see, it would be Princess Leia piloting an interstellar delivery ship. Unfortunately, she doesn’t, so they can’t. Winner? Turanga Leela.
Oh, man, I totally forgot about the time she fought Captain Kirk.
Overall winner? Princess Leia coasts in to the finish line with a slight lead by having the good fortune to fall in love with Han Solo. (I’m not sure why I went with the finish line metaphor, because then these would be fictional character races, not fictional character battles, but we’ll just chalk that one up to creative license, eh?)
Squeeee! Quoth everyone.
So you think you’re dating Keanu Reeves: A modern teen’s guide
So, lately, I’ve noticed that Keanu Reeves hasn’t been too busy ruining movies I would otherwise want to go see with his wooden, wooden acting. That means he must have plenty of time for dating right now! He might even be dating you!
(But probably not!)
Let’s find out anyway:
1. Is your boyfriend a terrible, dreadful, incredibly wooden (yet attractive) actor?
Chances are he’s Keanu Reeves, but he could maybe be Channing Tatum too.
Lift weights or take acting classes? Lift weights or take acting classes?
2. Does he ever smile?
I’m not sure Keanu Reeves does that.
Happy?
3. Was he pretty good in The Matrix, though?
Laurence Fishburne was pretty good in The Matrix.
Wow, he really does look like King Mob.
Well, it’s not like Hollywood ever gets “pasty” and “British” right, anyway.
4. How about trench coats? Does he look good in those?
And not, like, I don’t know, kind of stubby and stupid?
Mmmm, trench coat-y.
5. Was he John Constantine once, because, apparently, Hollywood doesn’t know what “Blond” and “British” are?
“That’s the same thing as ‘brunette’ and ‘bad actor,’ right?”
6. Would he be horribly miscast as Spike Spiegel?
Oh, God, wouldn’t he, though?
Because Spike is the best, that’s why.
7. Have you tried convincing him to model instead?
“I’m an actor,” he replied.
Acting!
8. “Sweetheart, I really think you should consider it,” you said, gently.
“What are you, a film critic?” he said.
9. “No, honey, I’m just a person who enjoys watching films, except when you are in them, because you’re just … well … really bad at them.”
“How come I keep getting cast in them, then?” he answered.
10. “Blackmail? Are you blackmailing someone?”
You’re blackmailing someone, right?
So, to answer your question: You’re probably not dating Keanu Reeves. At least, not anymore, because that last conversation really hurt his feelings.
Awwww, sad Keanu.
A love letter to Sherlock Holmes
Dear Sherlock Holmes,
Everyone knows I’ve loved you for a long time. I am the only person I know that read your biography. (That is, an actual biography of Sherlock Holmes, not Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.) But my feelings have always been more about obsessing and less about, you know, lust.
I was always impressed by the way you solved crimes whilst riding in trains.
But thanks to the BBC (God bless the Queen!), that’s all changed.
(As an aside, to my readers who don’t share my Sherlock Holmes obsession, I apologize for the recent spate of posts about Sherlock and can only assure you that more will follow.)
Yes, thanks to the BBC, I love you in the way a woman loves a man. Or, more specifically, the way a fangirl loves a character as portrayed by the brilliant Benedict Cumberbatch. (Let me assure you, Sherlock, fangirls got a whole lotta love in them.)
And especially for Benedict Cumberbatch here, who has a fan group called the "Cumberbitches," which is actually quite clever, I think.
I love the way you investigate crime! I love the way you shoot your apartment wall when you’re bored! I love the way you keep severed heads in your refrigerator and won’t ever get the groceries! I love the way you play the violin instead of interacting with your older brother! I love the way you’re mean to that poor morgue worker who has a crush on you!
That's the look of someone who doesn't care if he's broken the poor morgue girl's heart or not. I love that look.
In short, Sherlock Holmes, I love your misanthropic sociopathical nature.
And your killer cheekbones and stunning grey eyes.
In shorter, Sherlock Holmes, I love you.
I just threw this picture in because I enjoy looking at Benedict Cumberbatch.
(Also Benedict Cumberbatch a bit, because there is no possible way he is a worse human being than you, unless he tortures puppies.)
Oh my god, I see it now, he is totally Spike Spiegel in the flesh, no wonder I love him, SQUEEEEEEE!
I know you’re not interested in women (or men, or fluffy kittens), but if anything ever happens to Watson, please consider ringing me up. I would so help you avenge his death, you don’t even know.
"Your killers will pay, John Watson!" is what I would say.
Things that I will always love more than you
Dear future boyfriend,
First off, I just want to say that you are such a catch! I mean, here you are: a guy who puts up with me! I am so lucky to have you, future boyfriend, and I just want you to know that. I love your (insert adjective here) and the way you (verb). (Note to self: add descriptors once you actually meet future boyfriend.)
But there’s a few things you need to know, and I have incorporated them here into this handy list. It’s a list of things that I will always love more than you.
1. Elijah Snow. No matter how awesome you are, future boyfriend, unless you were trained in the art of detecting at the knee of the best fictional detective ever (Sherlock Holmes), you cannot compare to Elijah Snow.
Weakness for white foxes: revealed.
Ooooh, and also, you would have to never, ever age, and have the power to freeze stuff and then shatter the hell out of it.
For example, Dracula's crotch.
2. Speaking of the best fictional detective ever: Sherlock Holmes. It’s true, future boyfriend, that there are not many things in this world that I love more than Sherlock Holmes, and I would have to include you on the list (of things that I do not).
Guy Ritchie is something I love much, much less than Sherlock Holmes.
3. Chuck. That show is so cute and I love it (more than you). I hope, if there is a fifth season, it doesn’t suck as bad as the fifth seasons of other shows I used to love, House, I’m looking at you.
Damn, Chuck's girlfriend looks good in leather.
4. Eric Elbogen. Unless future boyfriend and Eric Elbogen are one in the same (pardon me while I laugh at my audacity!), there is just no measuring up to a guy who has written a song about playing Ms. Pac-man.
And he has a head of hair I want to tousle SO BAD.
5. Lone Wolf and Cub. No, future boyfriend, you will never be as awesome as one of the best manga series ever, and I hope you don’t mind if I ask to be alone while I read my copies.
Quiet, you! This is my "me" time!
6. Spike Spiegel. I shouldn’t have to explain why Spike Spiegel is more awesome than you, should I? Fine: he’s tall, thin, tragic yet always has a snappy comeback, and practices jeet kune do. Also, he has a spaceship and is a bounty hunter. In space. He’s a bounty hunter in space.
Bounty hunter. In space.
7. Cowboy Bebop. Spike Spiegel is a character in the best anime ever, and I will always, always love that anime more than you.
There is no way Hollywood won't frak up a live-action version of this show.
8. “Roslin and Adama.” Bear McCreary wrote one of the world’s most beautiful pieces of music for the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica, and I just can’t imagine that you could possibly make me feel the way it does.
Also, I was totally 'shipping them the whole series.
9. Bulkogi. Man, bulkogi is good. I wish we had a decent Korean joint around here.
I like my bulkogi with carrots and onions.
10. Japan. Japan is crazy and awesome. You, future boyfriend, might be crazy and awesome too, but are you the birthplace of the ninja? No. No, you are not.
I love you, Japan! Call me!
Faye Valentine vs. Winry Rockbell
Faye Valentine is the busty, space-traveling, cyber-sleeping, con artist-ing sex symbol of Cowboy Bebop. (Well, the sex symbol for those who swing that way, because we all know there’s no sexier anime character than Spike Spiegel.)
Mrow.
Winry Rockbell is the blonde, wrench-swinging, automail-repairing, bandana-wearing … er … chick from Fullmetal Alchemist. There are other female characters in Fullmetal Alchemist, but Winry just seems like the one who’s best described as a “chick,” you know?
Yes, I'm a little afraid to describe Riza Hawkeye as a "chick."
What do these two ladies have in common?
Outside of being drawn in Japan, I can't think of anything.
Blondes have more fun or something.
Probably not much, actually, but all my guy friends seem to think Winry is sexy for some damn reason, so let’s battle to see where my true bias lays.
Physicality. Faye Valentine is a tall, dark-haired drink of water who manages to look good in a weird yellow jumpsuit thing with these suspenders and why does she even bother wearing that red jacket if she’s not going to cover her shoulders? Winry Rockbell is tall (-er than Edward Elric), blonde and … actually, that’s all that sticks out for me. Winner? Faye Valentine.
Is a more badass chick? Faye Valentine travels through space, seeking bounties, pulling cons and shooting people with her spaceship’s laser gun. When she makes a confession of love, she does it by shooting at you, because that is how she rolls. Winry Rockbell learned how to fix automail from her Granny Pinako, and is an orphan. She has the opportunity to avenge the hell out of her parents’ death by shooting the guy who murdered them, but she doesn’t do it. While that seems markedly un-badass, you have to keep in mind that the guy was right there and could totally have killed her with his superpowers, so that takes some balls. Winner? Faye Valentine, because Winry is just so damn vanilla.
I mean for Godsakes, Winry, he's practically got a target RIGHT THERE.
Is constantly being put into danger and having to be rescued by the men in her life? Actually, this happens less than you’d expect for the whole anime/manga genre. Sure, both Faye and Winry are put into danger, especially Faye, who’s really good at getting herself into all kinds of trouble, and sometimes the guys give them a helping hand, but most of the time these ladies are handling themselves just fine. Winner? Winry, actually, because the evil homunculus conspiracy is totally using her as a hostage against our boys Al and Ed.
Has better fashion sense? Faye’s outfit sucks. There, I said it. It’s bright yellow and the jacket is useless. It’s ugly, ugly, ugly with a capital FUGLY. On the other hand, Winry usually wears a boob tube with purple pants and a bandana. Winner? Nobody. Ick. Someone get these ladies to an outlet store, stat.
Has massive boobage? Boobage is totally a word, right? The one good point about Faye’s ugly, ugly yellow outfit is that it conforms to every curve of that woman’s rockingly-drawn body. And when I say she has massive boobage, I don’t say it lightly. Also, she spends a lot of time in outer space, so it’s not like she’s going to get saggy any time soon, if you know what I mean, and I think you do because I wasn’t exactly subtle, here. Winry is, like, 15 or 16, and thus probably not done developing. If she has massive boobage, it’s hidden under her overalls anyway. But I don’t think she does. Winner? Faye Valentine.
In fact, thank GOD for the cold vacuum of space, because otherwise she would just have the worst backaches.
Owns an interstellar space vehicle? I don’t think Winry owns a vehicle, let alone one that is capable of interstellar travel. Faye, however, has a cool space vehicle, so she wins. Winner? I just said Faye wins.
I guess I didn't realize it was called "The Redtail."
Looks pretty damn good for a lady of over 70? Faye Valentine was in a horrible space travel accident when she was young and was put into cyrogenic sleep until … I don’t know, she could be operated on or it was convenient to the plot, whatever. So, while she looks like a lovely young lass of about 23, she’s actually a wretched old woman of about 77. Winry is totally the age she is, which is teenaged. Man, I hate teenagers. Winner? Faye Valentine.
Would be more fun to take gambling? Faye Valentine is a compuslive gambler. I would go as far as to say she has a gambling addiction. That said, she seems like a lot of fun to hang around and is pretty good in a fight. I don’t know if Winry gambles. Winner? Faye Valentine, as long as you don’t lend her any of your money for your fun night out.
Plus, she cleans up pretty good, am I right, guys?
Hangs out with Spike Spiegel? Faye Valentine is the lucky woman who gets to hang out with Spike Spiegel and not get murdered to hell by the interstellar Mafia.
Julia? Not so lucky.
The sad news for her is that she’s really poor at expressing her love, so she and Spike never hook up. Winry lives in the Fullmetal Alchemist universe, which, while cool enough, is not populated by the likes of Spike Spiegel. Thus, she loses this category. Winner? Faye.
Look at this their backs are touching omigod bonus points for this pose squee!
Now you’ll have a category saying “hangs out with Edward Elric,” right? Actually, I won’t, because there’s just no comparison between Spike Spiegel and Edward Elric. It’s like a wolf fighting a gnat, you know?
I'm not saying Edward's not as cute as a button, because he is. He's just no Spike Spiegel.
Also, I just don’t like that damn Winry.
Aha! Eh, I think it was pretty clear from the way I tried to stack these categories in Faye’s favor, anyway.
It’s true. Totally true.
Overall winner? Faye Valentine, because my friends can go suck.
Now THAT is a girl I'd take to the opera.
So you think you’re dating a Hollywood movie monster: a modern teen’s guide
So, you’ve met this great guy. Doesn’t talk much. Shy. Basically unkillable.
A real catch, right?
But is he a Hollywood movie monster?
(Because it’s nearly Halloween, don’t you think you should assume he is?)
Anyway, here’s a list for you to find out for sure.
1. So, yeah, he’s the quiet type, but when he does talk, he mentions: a) revenge; b) his preternatural disposition towards evil; c) “arrrghhhh.”
If it’s a), you might be dating Freddy Krueger. Or that guy in the movies whose sensei was wronged or parents were murdered. If it’s b), you could be dating Michael Myers or possibly Jersey Shore’s The Situation (because I can’t make enough Jersey Shore jokes, that’s why!). If it’s c), you could be dating Jason. Or Michael Myers. I actually can’t remember if either of them could speak at all. (Could be a zombie, though.)
This was the only picture of this asshole I could find where he's at least mostly wearing a shirt.
2. Your boyfriend has a unique sense of style. He’s always wearing: a) a striped sweater and tekagi; b) a potato sack or something; c) a hockey mask.
If it’s a), your boyfriend’s wardrobe bears a striking resemblance to Freddy Krueger’s. Either that, or he’s the world’s worst-dressed ninja. If it’s b), you could be dating Michael Myers, because what the hell is that thing he’s wearing? If it’s c), you’re probably dating a hockey player. Or Jason. It could be Jason.
Tekagi: because neko-te are for girls.
3. You and your boyfriend haven’t been intimate because: a), b) and c) the slutty teens always die.
But does it count if you’re getting busy with the killer of said slutty teens? The jury is still out on this one.
I've never even seen this film, but I can tell you without a doubt that the teens in the front on the left (our left, not theirs) are total killer bait.
4. When you go on a date with your boyfriend, he’s likely to take you to: a) the place where he was murdered by the neighborhood parents; b) Jamie Lee Curtis’s house; c) a creepy summer camp.
If you chose a), you’ve got to ask yourself a couple of things, most importantly being: why are you dating a dead guy? (You can sort out the other questions on your own.) If it’s b), you might be dating Michael Myers, or just a guy who’s realllly into Jamie Lee Curtis. If it’s c), you’re either dating Jason or someone who got suckered into being a camp counselor instead of getting a real job.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say there is absolutely nothing wrong with liking Jamie Lee Curtis a little too much.
5. The word that best describes your boyfriend is: a) slashy; b) stabby; or c) murderous-y.
If you chose c), I’ll just have you know that it totally is a word because I have used it before.
6. Sometimes you think your boyfriend is dead, but: a) he always get resurrected in dreams; b) that’s silly because he can’t be killed; c) it turns out you were actually dating his mother!
It the answer is a), you are probably dating Freddy Krueger, because I can’t think of a single other Hollywood movie monster that would apply to. Unless there’s one in some weird Japanese film or something, I don’t know. If the answer is b), it could be Michael Myers, or it could be Spike Spiegel, if you’re dating him before the last episode of Cowboy Bebop. If it’s c), it’s definitely not Norman Bates, because then you would think mostly the opposite.
Normie, it's you? I thought I was dating your mother all along!
What? You thought I wouldn't slip in an image of Spike Spiegel?
7. Your boyfriend can only be defeated by: a) ceasing to fear him and causing him to manifest in the physical world; b) nothing, because he’s Michael Myers; c) crippling mommy issues.
Why would you want to defeat your boyfriend? What kind of relationship do you have, anyway?
8. Your friends don’t like your boyfriend because: a), b) and c) he keeps murdering them. Also, his breath.
That covers any of these guys. But what does peer pressure mean to you? You’re in love!
Iconic representations: handy!
9. Your boyfriend’s idea of a good time is: a) stalking teens in their dreams and killing them; b) stalking teens in their houses and killing them; or c) stalking teens at summer camp and killing them.
He sounds like fun.
Nothing funner 'n killing teens!
10. And, finally, you know you’re dating a Hollywood movie monster when: a), b) and c) he stars in a remake. Possibly by Rob Zombie, and almost certainly featuring Jackie Earle Haley.
There is no doubt about it. You are dating a Hollywood movie monster.
I love you, Mr. Haley!
Things I can’t compete with
When fabulous poet/wit Dorothy Parker feared her husband Alan Campbell was having a homosexual affair, she was quoted as saying: “I can compete with the girls, you know, but not with the boys.”
She had a point.
Thus, for your reading pleasure, here’s a list of 10 things that I can’t compete with:
1. Ziyi Zhang. Put me up against the talented Chinese actress and, for some reason, I always come up lacking.
But so does everyone! I mean, look at her!
2. The boys. Again, Ms. Parker had a point here. It’s hard to compete against the boys when the boys have bits that the girls don’t.
Also, they're so PRETTY nowadays.
3. Your body pillow girlfriend/wife. There are many things body pillows can do that I can’t, and one of those things includes tolerating someone who would marry a body pillow.
Tolerate? Actually, I would have a hard time not punching you in the throat. Enjoy your body pillow.
4. Cylons. Cylons look like Tricia Helfer and Grace Park. I don’t so much.
Lucy Lawless is also more awesome than I am.
5. Your awesome CIA girlfriend. In every category, I come up short when compared to your awesome CIA girlfriend.
For instance, my hair NEVER looks this good when I'm in a gun fight.
6. That anime character you have a crush on. It’s true. I don’t have perky anime boobs, and I’m not charmingly clumsy, so when I fall, I don’t land with my lacy panties slightly exposed, I end up scraping most of the skin off my face and bleeding all over.
Of course, you will always come in second to Spike Spiegel, so we have that in common, anyway.
7. Dorothy Parker. She was witty, she wrote great poetry and short stories, and she could hold her liquor waaaaaay better than I can. She could also come up with witty retorts on the spot, and I just can’t do that.
I'm the poor man's Dorothy Parker! The really, really, really, REALLY poor man's Dorothy Parker!
8. Your ex, Julia. I just can’t wear a full-body leather suit with that panache. I wish I could, but I can’t.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: I. Sweat.
9. Lady superheroes. I was just going to say “superheroes,” but I specifically mean the ones who keep their superhero costumes up with a bit of spirit gum and luck.
Also, gravity isn't an issue for superheroes.
10. Your 1985 Crown Victoria. I can’t compete with a car like that. I won’t even try.
Pictured here: something that is better than me in every way.
A love letter to Spike Spiegel
Hi, Mr. Spiegel. I just wanted to let you know that if things don’t work out between myself and Elijah Snow that I am totally and utterly willing to wed you. (It’s not that I don’t think that things will work out between me and my boy Elijah, it’s just that the whole fictional character thing.)
It’s not that I think you’re second best, by the way. I think you’re great. I mean, the way you get shot and stabbed and exploded and don’t die? That’s awesome. The way you fly through outer space (occasionally) nabbing bad guys for bounty money? Also awesome. Your knowledge of Jeet Kune Do, which I can’t actually spell and have to google? So incredibly awesome. Your hair? Holy cow awesome!!
SUCH awesome hair.
What’s much less awesome, though, is the way you just can’t get over your ex.
It's kind of hard to blame you, though. Damn.
That’s just … that’s gonna be tough for us to work around. But I think we can do it, Spike Spiegel! I think we can.
Here’s why: I have incredibly low self-esteem.
You could compare me to Julia, like, constantly, and I would just sit quietly and nod and think to myself, yes, I deserve that, because I’m not as awesome as Julia and we all know it. Like, do I look that good in full body leather? No! Because I sweat! I sweat and I’m disgusting. I’m so lucky that Spike Spiegel even talks to me when Julia is so much better.
But please don't even start comparing me to Faye Valentine, because I'm not sure I could handle that.
See? See how well things would work out?
Not to mention, I’m perfectly willing to sit quietly on Mars or wherever, waiting for you. And if you ask me to quietly assassinate a few interstellar Mafia members while I’m waiting, well, who am I to say no? Who am I? Well, not someone who hasn’t dreamed of quietly assassinating a few interstellar Mafia members for my whole life, that’s who I’m not. Wait, did that make sense? What I’m saying, Spike Spiegel, is that I’m perfectly willing to kill a few low-ranking interstellar Mafia members for you, if that is what you ask of me as your bride. (I’m assuming you want me to leave the high-ranking interstellar Mafia members for you, Spike Spiegel, because that is how you roll.)
But you'd have no problem with me killing his pet bird, right? Because I would totally murder the hell out of that bird for your love.
(I hope people still say “how you roll” or Spike is going to think I’m so lame.)
Also, Spike Spiegel, and I think this is my winning argument here: I can cook up a great dish on a budget. Instant rice and bell peppers? That’s right, baby, you’ve got bell pepper and beef (without the beef). I have a variety of seasonings on hand, so you’d never be able to tell. This, and I don’t think I have to tell you, Spike Spiegel, would come in really handy as you usually don’t nab the criminals and don’t get a bounty and you’re kind of starving to death in outer space.
Actually, and I don't want to come across as a braggart, but bell pepper and beef is a specialty of mine, Spike Spiegel.
I wouldn’t let that happen, Spike Spiegel.
I mean, you're already so thin! We've got to fatten you up, boy!
Please consider my proposal.
Unless you're the Keanu Reeves incarnation of Spike Spiegel, in which case, go to hell.
Are you dating a vampire? A modern teen’s guide.
Look, I know I pick on Twilight mercilessly, but you know what? It’s really easy and I’m the lazy sort.
Here’s 10 ways to tell if the guy you’re dating is a vampire or not.
1. Does he watch you while you sleep?
... or is he watching THE CAMERA?
Are you sleeping in the same bed and you fell asleep before him? He’s probably not a vampire.
Did he sneak into your house to watch you sleep? He’s a stalker, but he could also be a vampire.
Before he sneaked into your house to watch you sleep, did he have to be invited inside? He could be a vampire, but he could also be a stalker with some OCD tendencies.
Is he watching you sleep while he’s floating near your ceiling? Congratulations! You’re either on the moon, or you’re dating a vampire.
2. Does he hate sunlight?
Also, if he looks like this and he hates sunlight, yeah, you're dating a vampire.
Does he have that one disease where people are allergic to sunlight? He’s not normal, and you’re doomed to a dim lifestyle, plus he probably isn’t otherwise too particularly healthy, but he’s not a vampire.
Does he freckle easily? He could just be normal and embarrassed.
Does he wear black a lot and sunglasses at night? If he’s also wearing more lipstick than you, he is probably a goth and not a vampire at all. (Are there still goths anymore? Kids nowadays, I swear.)
Does he sparkle in the sunlight? He’s not a vampire, he’s a glam rocker.
Does he burst into flames when sunlight strikes his body? Congratulations! Get that boy under a blanket stat, you’re dating a vampire!
3. When you ask how he knew where to find you, does he say things like, “I could smell you”?
Smells like ... (insert witty joke here).
Have you considered bathing more frequently? Or perhaps it’s your excessive perfume.
Does he have a hyperactive sense of smell? You will never sneak a silent fart past this guy.
Maybe he’s actually a werewolf? Could be.
Did he actually say “I could smell your blood”? And then he described how your blood smelled and got this crazy look in his eyes, tried not to drool and moaned, “I can’t help myself”? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire.
4. Does he recoil at the sight of a crucifix?
GAAAAAHHH! The swirls! They burn! They BURN!!
Did he grow up in an uber-religious house? He could just be experiencing some sort of religious backlash.
Is the crucifix a little on the gaudy side? Perhaps he’s just showing good judgment.
Is he Jewish? You might want to ask if he’s Jewish. It will save you Christmas-related embarrassment.
As he recoils from said crucifix, does he also hiss and cover his face and possibly turn into smoke? Congratulations! Either this guy takes his atheism seriously, or you’re dating a vampire!
5. Does he have a large family and none of them look very much alike?
Of course, in Hollywood, EVERYONE looks alike. It's the law.
Is he adopted? He could be adopted. If he is, does he know he’s adopted? You might have to be the one to break the news.
Is he a damn hippie? Damn hippies oftentimes think of mankind at large as their “family.” (Dump him! Damn hippies!)
I hate to put it indelicately like this, but was his mom a slut? I mean, she could have 10 different baby daddies, and that could explain why none of his siblings look like him.
Does his “family” all talk about blood a lot and “keeping our true identities secret” and sometimes they talk about the Civil War like they were there and then be like, “Oops, I mean I read that in a history book!” and get all fidgety and awkward? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire.
6. Does he mention “lost loves” in a melancholy way?
Actually, my lost love looked EXACTLY like you. How's that for a coincidence, huh? I mean, it's coincidental! Totally!
Is he a bit of a drama queen? He could just be a drama queen.
Is he your history teacher? Your parents should probably be informed.
Does he look your age, seem your age, but talk about old girlfriends as if they were decades-long dead? Maybe they were really awful and he just wants to pretend they’re decades-long dead.
Does he look your age, seem your age, but talk about old girlfriends as if they were decades-long dead? And they actually are? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire, because an android wouldn’t be so damned sentimental.
Plus, he'd shoot you soon as look at you.
7. Does he drink a red liquid out of a wine goblet, but won’t let you have any?
Oh, for the love of --! It's spilling all over!
Is it wine? Maybe you act like a big goober when you’re drunk.
Is it blood? He could have some sort of fetish, like those glam rockers I mentioned earlier.
Is it blood and he gets weak and withers away if he doesn’t have a glass of it every night? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire, or an actor who’s taken “The Method” to extremes.
8. Has he bitten you?
OK, ewwww, your boyfriend is SO undead.
Have you tried relaxing a little? Some people find that sort of thing erotic.
Have you told him you don’t find it erotic and he does it anyway? He’s a jerk, and he’s hoping you’ll bite him back.
Has he tried not biting you, but then says something about how he can feel your blood and it’s like the heavens and earth colliding and then he’s at your neck like some sort of shite-poetry-spouting leech? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire! (Or some sort of shite-poetry-spouting leech.)
9. Did he go see Twilight with you?
You didn't think it might make him a LITTLE uncomfortable?
Does he want in your pants really bad? Seriously, why would you make your boyfriend go to Twilight with you? I think you’re the asshole in this scenario.
Is he gay? My best gay friend always wants to see romantic comedies, which is why we never go to the movies together.
Did he sit there, snort into his hand and say, “That’s not how real vampires are!”? He could just be a purist.
Did he sit there, snort into his hand and say, “That’s not how real vampires are!” and then follow it up with, “Er, not that I would know or anything, because I’m just your average, everyday guy.”? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire who is also a bad liar.
10. Does nothing kill him except a stake through the heart?
Is he Michael Myers? The stake probably won’t work either. Nothing kills that guy.
Is he Spike Spiegel from Cowboy Bebop? Don’t worry, he’ll die in the series finale.
You’ve got to ask yourself, why are you staking this guy through the heart? If the answer is “Because he’s a vampire,” then congratulations! You’re dating a vampire.
Nah, that's just how I dump people.
Kaneda vs. Spike Spiegel
In an earlier post, I mentioned that I didn’t think there was anyone else who possessed as much awesome as Kaneda to go up against him in a death battle. (Note: These aren’t actually death battles, because this blog is just not that cool.)
But then I remembered there was Spike Spiegel, who is even more awesome than Kaneda.
If not more awesome, at least equally awesome.
Hell, I don't NEED a laser gun to be awesome.
Or is he?
Only a death battle will decide!!
(Note: Seriously, this isn’t a death battle. Do I have any friends who are good with photoshop??? Or actual death battles?)
On to the (not actually a) death battle!
Physicality. You know what I hate the most about the physicality category? The way I always try to spell it psychality. I mean, what the hell is that? Why did I even make a category I can’t spell? And how can one cartoon character be hotter than another? Am I going to turn into one of those Japanese men who dates his body pillow? Do they even make Spike Spiegel body pillows? In conclusion, Kaneda is certainly awesome, but Spike Spiegel is drawn better. Plus, he’s got that lanky thing going, which is my kryptonite. Winner? Spike Spiegel. The real winner? Lokifire, if she can find a Spike Spiegel body pillow.
The action figure's just not that snuggly.
General bad-assedness. Here’s where the battle really begins. Sadly, it’s not a battle to the death because one of these characters is already dead. By the way, I appreciate my friends who try to console me by saying (spoiler alert) that Spike could just be resting at the end of the Bebop series, but he’s dead. Thanks anyway. I mean it. *sniff* Errr, moving right along. Spike Spiegel studies Jun Fan Jeet Kune Do, which was the martial art created by Bruce Lee, who is a god among action movie stars and also everyone else. He gets stabbed, tossed out a church window, exploded, bit by dogs, punched, shot, etc., etc., and doesn’t die. You know, until he does. (Personally, I think his body was just like, damn it, stop putting me in these situations! That’s it, if I’m going down, I’m taking you with me!) He goes up against more serial killers than the entire cast of Criminal Minds (that show’s about serial killers, right?)! And he always comes out OK! Until he doesn’t. But what of Kaneda? Man, Kaneda faced off against two powerful psychics with only a laser gun and some chutzpah. And if you’re like: “Powerful psychics, schmowerful schmychics,” then, 1) I’m impressed with your abillity to pronounce that; 2) Apparently, you didn’t see Tetsuo punch a hole in the godsdamned moon. Winner? I’m sorry, Spike, but we’re going on Kaneda with this one. 1) Those were some powerful psychics; and 2) he’s not dead.
Better first name? Spike’s first name is Spike. I don’t know if he was born with that name or what. Kaneda’s first name is Shotaro. There’s a couple of ways to write the kanji for Shotaro and I can’t read kanji so I don’t know for sure how Kaneda’s first name is spelled, but the traditional way is Sho = Pine and Taro = boy. So Kaneda’s first name is probably Pine Boy. Winner? Spike.
Better friends? Spike Spiegel hung out with the crew of the interstellar craft Bebop, which includes the following: 1) Jet Black, a guy with a robot arm who used to be an interstellar cop and is now a bounty hunter; 2) Faye Valentine, a con artist from who was woken from cyrogenic sleep and also wears hardly any clothing; 3) Ed, the young computer genius; and 4) Ein, the really cute data-dog who is also a genius in addition to being a Welsh Corgi.
Really, Faye, is that outfit appropriate for interstellar travel?
Kaneda hangs out with the survivors of Tokyo, who include: 1) Kei, his love interest who is a powerful conduit for psychic power and also pretty handy with a gun; 2) Chiyoko, Kei’s aunt, who is roughly the size of a water buffalo and just as deadly; 3) Kaisuke, some little short dude who was in Kaneda’s gang before Tokyo was destroyed (the second time), and is totally loyal and good in a fight; 4) The Colonel, who isn’t really Kaneda’s friend at all, but does control some sort of satellite super-beam. The winner? Holy cats! These guys have awesome friends. This is totally a draw.
Lives in a dystopia? Both Cowboy Bebop and Akira are set in futures where Tokyo has been destroyed at least once. However, in Cowboy Bebop, it’s not just Tokyo taking the brunt of the destruction, it’s the whole earth. However, people have colonized Mars and Venus and some other places, and they have interstellar space travel, so it’s cool. In Akira, though, Tokyo gets destroyed a couple more times and also, Tetsuo punches a hole in the moon. Tetsuo’s a bit of a prick. Winner? Um, I guess Kaneda, if the winner of this category is the one who lives in the worst future/society. If not, then it’s Spike, because he has a spaceship.
Ran with a gang? Kaneda and Tetsuo used to be juvenile delinquents in some sort of motorcycle gang. Before Tokyo was destroyed (for the second time). Spike used to be in the interstellar Mafia. Why, yes, I do enjoy using the word “interstellar.” How did you know? Winner? Spike, because “Interstellar Mafia” sounds waaaay more badass than “Motorcycle gang.”
Cooler vehicle? They’re both red. They’re both fast. But between Kaneda’s motorcycle and Spike’s Swordfish, only one is up for interstellar travel. (It’s the Swordfish.) Winner? Spike “Interstellar Traveler” Spiegel.
Also? It shoots lasers!
I don't need a vehicle that shoots lasers. I've got a gun that does that.
Gets the girl? Kaneda and Kei end up being the rulers of Neo-Tokyo (which has been destroyed three times at this point, so good luck with that, kids). Spike dies. Also, he was mean to Faye up until the end, when they! would! have! made! such! a! cute! couple!! Winner? Kaneda. (Gods, Spike, you should’ve just hooked up with Faye already.)
Lives to fight another day? Winner? Kanedaaaaaa!
Overall winner? Spike Spiegel. But only barely. Mostly because of his spaceship.
