Lex Luthor vs. Professor Moriarty
You guys, I really wish new Sherlock episodes would start airing soon.
Season 3! Season 3!
Anyway, here’s a fictional character battle between two criminal masterminds, because while the boss’s away, the mice will update their blogs.
In one corner, we have Lex Luthor, the nemesis of Superman, a super-powered alien being who happens to look like a person. In the other corner we have James “Jim” Moriarty, the nemesis of Sherlock Holmes, a regular human being who has the superpower of being a crime-solving machine.
Who shall win? We’ll find out … once I come up with some categories.
Let’s rock and roll!
Physicality. Lex Luthor is a very, very bald man. I have nothing against very, very bald men, unless they have funny-shaped heads, I guess, but then I’d still blame that on a tiny birth canal or an overeager doctor with a nasty pair of forceps. Still, Lex Luthor is super bald. James Moriarty is sometimes an evil old man in disguise as a math professor, and other times he’s a flamboyant, well-dressed kind of freaky-looking guy.
Say, Jim, that’s a nice suit.
Winner? Ummmm … Moriarty?
Has a superior nemesis? You’d think Lex Luthor, the guy with the super-powered alien being to … is there a verb form of nemesis? Nemesate? … anyway, you’d think the guy going up against the invincible superhero would have a leg up in the “superior nemesis” portion of this competition, but here’s the thing: Superman is no Sherlock Holmes, am I right?
Please someone buy this for me please someone buy this for me please someone buy this for me
Winner? Moriarty.
Is more evil? Lex Luthor is pretty evil, although he’d never admit it. Well, I guess he might, if it was one of those campy Superman comics from the olden days. He does all sorts of evil things that I can’t think of because … I don’t really read Superman comics, I guess. Oooh, but in one of the Superman movies, he wants to flood half of America so he can sell beachfront property in Arizona or someplace. That’s pretty evil. Moriarty also is rather evil, because Sherlock Holmes told me so. He calls him the “Napoleon of Crime,” even! Now, that’s either a dig at his height or he’s a 19th-century supervillain.
Yeah, I can’t tell if he’s short or not in this picture.
Winner? It’s a tie.
Gets elected president? I’m pretty sure, in some story arc, Lex Luthor gets elected president. Also, they don’t have presidents in England.
Well, he runs for president, at least.
Winner? Lex Luthor.
Has a cooler ringtone? I don’t know what Lex Luthor’s ringtone is, but I can’t imagine it’s cooler than the Bee Gees, amiright?
Winner? Moriarty.
Faces his nemesis in mano-a-mano battle and dies? The thing about Superman is that he doesn’t kill people.
Er, except when he does, I guess.
Sherlock Holmes hardly ever does it either, but he does seem totally willing to toss you over the side of a waterfall if that’s what’ll stop your evil works.
Winner of this oddly specific category? Moriarty.
Balder? Hey, have I mentioned that Lex Luthor is a very, very bald man?
True story: I have a bald friend that I always call “Lex” because I suck at remembering people’s real names, and it turns out he looks a lot like this guy. I know. That was super-interesting, right?
Winner? Lex Luthor.
Overall winner? Yeah, I gotta wrap this thing up before the boss comes back. The winner, by virtue of proximity to Sherlock Holmes: Professor Moriarty!
“No, when I say you’re the Napoleon of crime, it is because you’re so short.”
Superman’s best pickup line
“Honey, you’re so sweet, I’d turn back time for you.”
“And that’s only one of my many awesome powers, such as creating miniature supermen somehow.”
We’ll always know him as Jimmy Olsen
Remember the Superman movies? (The good ones, I mean, not that tedious reboot by Bryan Singer.) (And by the good ones, I mean the first two and parts of the third one, but only for the nostalgia value.)
They told us we would believe a man could fly, and they were right.
*Sniff* I still believe, Mr. Reeve!
But that’s not what we’re here to talk about today. Or read about. Or whatever. No, we’re here for Jimmy Olsen, also known as the actor Marc McClure, who was also in Back to the Future, which I don’t remember at all.
I mean, if he really had been in Back to the Future, wouldn't he be wearing a Back to the Future shirt here?
McClure’s career started in 1975 with a guest shot on the television series Emergency!, which I can only assume was an awesome show because of the exclamation point! It’s not just an emergency, it’s an Emergency! Moving right along, his next role was on The Cop and The Kid, which was either about a scrappy orphan and his policeman buddy, or a cop who owns a goat. Of course, then you’d've thunk they’d have gone with the more insulting The Pig and The Goat, so it’s probably the first one.
Here's a picture of a baby goat, because it's really cute.
He also had a role in the movie Freaky Friday, and I guess I didn’t realize that movie was older than me. But it is. Good to know.
Other notable roles in the 1970s included guest spots on Happy Days and Eight is Enough. OK, maybe not so much “notable roles” as just plain old “roles,” but the important thing is, in 1978, McClure was cast as the photographer friend of the man of steel in Superman.
Because in the 1970s, people still read newspapers.
That plum role was enough to get him … oh. More roles intelevision movies. Well, shoot. Ooooh, ooooh, but in 1979, he had a starring role in a TV series called California Fever as a teenager enjoying the Southern California lifestyle. If it was a reality show, it would still be airing today, but it wasn’t, so it only ran for 10 episodes.
Sometimes I forget how silly everyone's hair was in the 1970s. But then I remember.
But that’s OK, because Superman II!
And then moving right along to 1981′s Strange Behavior, which is about a scientist turning good kids into murderers, because there just weren’t enough teen killers in the early ’80s, apparently. Then ’82′s Pandemonium, which is about a Mountie tracking a killer at a cheerleading camp. Phil Hartman was in that one, too, but I still wouldn’t recommend it.
"You might remember me from such films as Pandemonium. Ha, ha, I'm just kidding. Don't watch it."
Then Superman III! And Supergirl! McClure was the only actor from the Superman films to appear in Supergirl, which was awfully nice of him.
I mean, gosh, no one else bothered, you know?
He then went on to a guest role on Trapper John, MD, which I only mention because the character’s name was Luther, which is probably some sort of homage to Lex Luthor, but who knows.
Gratuitous Azzarello plug alert!
Then he played Dave McFly in Back to the Future. Was Dave McFly Marty’s cousin or something? I seriously can’t remember this character at all.
Oooh, then he was on a couple of episodes of Hunter, and does anyone else remember that show? I loved that show when I was a kid.
Like the '70s before them, the 1980s were a bad decade for hair and clothing.
Then between Superman IV and Back to the Future III, there was something called Amazon Women on the Moon, as well as several other movies that I don’t feel like mentioning.
Phil Hartman was in this one too.
The ’90s brought him a guest-starring role heyday, with appearances on Beverly Hills, 90210; Sister, Sister; and Nash Bridges. I never watched any of those shows, but good for them for employing Jimmy Olsen. He also had roles in Apollo 13 and That Thing You Do!, both of which were popular movies at the time and I also didn’t see.
In 2003, he was in Freaky Friday, so I guess that was the remake or something? I didn’t realize Lindsay Lohan was that old. I mean, she looks haggard and all, but I always assumed that was the rampant drug abuse.
Also, she's 47!
Anyway, he continued his guest-starring streak, with roles on The Shield, ER and Cold Case, as well as Smallville in 2008, which always did like throwing fans a bone and giving roles to the old movie cast.
(What do you mean it’s still not canceled? Are you sure?)
Also in 2008, he had a role in Proud American and in Frost/Nixon.
And what’s he been doing since then?
Well, that’s a good question, because I don’t know. He does appear to be alive, but that’s really all I know. I’m sorry I have failed you all.
To cheer you up, here's a 2010 photo of Marc McClure with a small dog that is wearing a scarf.
The movie I actually saw this weekend
The heavens rejoiced and a chorus of angels went “Ahhhhhhhh” because, you guys, I totally finally went to the movies for the first time in over a year this weekend!
And, yes, I saw The Warrior’s Way because what else was I going to see? Tron hasn’t opened yet!
Look how conflicted he is about all the murderin' he's about to commit.
So here’s my impressions, a.k.a. an actual movie review!
First off: I love Dong-Gun Jang a little. Especially when he’s wearing old-fashioned pinstriped pants, a trenchcoat and slaying his enemies with a sword. (Even if my friend I went to the movie with suffers from Asian-man blindness: he thought we were watching a Jackie Chan flick the whole time. “I wondered why he looked so good for his age,” he said.)
I'm still not loving the moustache, but millions of Korean women can't be wrong. Or probably not.
Pictured here: A guy who doesn't look anything like Dong-Gun Jang. At all. Not even a little bit, really.
Secondly: The action scenes were exactly as awesome as I thought they would be, and some of them were, in fact, quite beautiful. I especially liked the way they would speed up some scenes to emphasize how fast our hero the master warrior was.
Thirdly: Holy cow, the baby in that film is totally the cutest baby ever. (“They probably grew it in a lab,” my friend said.)
So cute, in fact, that I was tempted to give up my warrior's lifestyle for her myself.
Fourthly: I finally remembered who Kate Bosworth (the movie’s romantic interest/token fighter chick) is, and it is best explained via anecdote.
In one scene, they had her defeat one of the super ninja warriors, which was ridiculous and pissed me off.
One day, at work, the telephone rang, and it was Margo Kidder on the line.
“This is Margo Kidder from Livingston,” she said.
“You mean Margo Kidder from Superman,” I corrected her.
Margo Kidder: “Yeah, sure, whatever.”
Me: “You’re Lois Lane! Superman’s girlfriend!”
"And he took you flying that time? Remember?"
Margo Kidder: “Er, yes.”
Me: “You were a much better Lois Lane than Kate Bosworth.” (I didn’t actually say it in bold, though, I just put it in bold so you guys would get that was the point of this anecdote.)
Margo Kidder: “That’s very sweet.”
Me: “And true!”
Margo Kidder: “Anyway, I was calling about this editorial your paper ran…”
Me: “So is it true you’ve gone completely wacko?”
Margo Kidder: “… Can I speak to your supervisor?”
Me: “No.”
(Note: portions of this conversation, mostly that last bit, were probably made up for dramatic purposes. Especially that last bit, ’cause I would never insult Lois Lane on the phone, unless it was the Kate Bosworth one. Then she deserves it, ’cause she sucked.)
Fiftly: There was, I thought, a lot of unnecessary exposition and dialogue. (“Less talkin’ and more stabbin’,” I said to my friend.)
Sixthly: They totally cut the “Ninjas. Damn.” line, so don’t go in expecting to see that part. ‘Cause you won’t.
"Man, that's more ninja than I ever expected to see in the Old West, Tex." "You got that right, Slim."
My overall impression is that it was a good movie, but would’ve been better served by being watched at home so I could fast-forward past the boring, boring talking scenes and repeated the pretty, pretty fight scenes.
Bad Ash vs. Bizarro
So Bad Ash is like the bad version of Evil Dead Ash, who isn’t really all that good when you think about it. And Bizarro was conceived as the mirror image of Superman, because someone had been reading a lot of Jung at the time.
This here's the toy version of Bad Ash, because it was hard to find the movie version. Lots of scantily clad ladies though, if you're looking to do an image search yourself.
Bizarro's little "No. 1" badge is made of awesome.
Which alternate version of a hero will come out on top?
And do you even care?
(Of course you do.)
On to the battle!
Physicality: Bad Ash looks a lot like Bruce Campbell until he gets boomsticked to death and then re-animated by an incorrect reading of the Necronomicon.
Yes, if you own a replica of this book, you are a geek. And that's OK.
(I’m just going to call it Book of the Dead from now on, ’cause screw Latin.) Then he looks more like a zombie. Bizarro looks like if Superman was in a really bad fire and had the world’s worst plastic surgeon try to repair his skin, using the skin of an albino who is also made of glass. Winner? Bad Ash, for at least looking like Bruce Campbell for a few minutes.
Would that we could all look like Bruce Campbell for a few minutes.
Wreaks more havoc? I feel like this is a category in a lot of these things, but I find havoc-wreaking to be an awesome quality in a fictional character. (It’s a much less awesome quality in a politician, but they all seem to possess it to some degree. Ha, ha, political jokes — over.) Bad Ash sends the Deadites to attack the village that Ash is protecting, and I’m not sure why we stopped calling them Candarian demons in Army of Darkness, but whatever. However, his plans are thwarted because Ash has a chainsaw hand. Well, he has some sort of robotic armor hand in Army of Darkness, which is cool, but the chainsaw hand is cooler. Bizarro wreaks all sorts of havoc, whether on purpose or by trying to imitate Superman. Winner? Bizarro, because have you seen what he’s done to grammar??
The armor hand is still pretty sweet, though.
More evil? Bad Ash is so evil he’s got “Bad” in his name, and not like “Bad” when people mean “good.” More like “just plain mean” bad. Bizarro is just a confused, tragic character who mangles grammar. (I really can’t forgive him for that.) Winner? Bad Ash.
Leads a legion of the undead? Hey, they don’t call it “Army of Darkness” for nothing. Winner? Bad Ash.
Is a more sympathetic character? Bad Ash, evil though he is, is mostly played for laughs because, by Army of Darkness, everyone realized the Evil Dead franchise was actually a comedic series. Bizarro has been created by, like, every Superman villain out there, because when they came up with the concept for Superman, they forgot that having an all-powerful hero makes for some pretty anti-climactic fight scenes, so all the villains are kind of wimptacular next to the world’s biggest boy scout. Thus, Bizarro, who has all of Superman’s powers and none of his good qualities, is born. The poor, sympathetic bastard. He didn’t even ask to be born! No one asked him! Winner? Bizarro.
Who looks at this mug and DOESN'T feel some sympathy, you know?
Dies a more spectacular death? First, Bad Ash gets shot and buried and then resurrected. Then, he gets torched. Then, he gets his hand chopped off. Even more then, he gets catapulted into the air and blown up with a sackful of gunpowder. Explode-y! Bizarro has been offed in a variety of ways, one of which includes a midair collision with Superman. But was there an explosion? Science says no. Winner? Bad Ash.
I can't decide if conjoined-twin Bruce Campbell is a dream or nightmare come true.
Is played by Bruce Campbell in a film? Winner? Bad Ash.
The overall winner in this (slightly) (biased) battle? Bad Ash.
So you think you’re dating Superman: a modern teen’s guide
Recently, you’ve noticed a lot of girls in your class are dating vampires, werewolves and even the occasional Egyptian mummy.
Well, bully for them, you think, but I’ve got bigger problems than that.
That’s right. While those girls are busily dating movie monsters who have recently turned emo for some reason, you suspect you’re dating a superhero. And not just any superhero. The superest hero-est of them all: Superman.
We miss you every day, Mr. Reeve! Rest in peace!
Well, are you?
Here’s 10 ways to find out:
1. Is your boyfriend a reporter? With today’s economy and the uncertain state of the traditional newspaper, the only people who are reporters are either 1) terrified; 2) have their superhero-ing to fall back on when things go bad.
Please tell me your boyfriend has an awesome hat like this.
2. Does your boyfriend look remarkably like Superman, except he wears glasses and occasionally stammers? Stammering shouldn’t change how your boyfriend looks, I don’t care how confident Superman is. And if you can’t recognize your boyfriend when he’s not wearing glasses, then you are the worst girlfriend ever.
Gosh, I just feel so SILLY for not noticing!
3. But say you are the worst girlfriend ever. Is your boyfriend incredibly resistant to the idea of wearing contacts? Does he have ridiculous excuses for being resistant? Like: “Contacts make my eyes sweat”?
4. Whenever Superman saves someone, is your boyfriend nowhere to be found? He could just be a coward. Some people hide when there is danger. But if he returns immediately after the danger is over and acts surprised that there was any danger at all, then he either doesn’t want you to remark on his cowardice or is actually Superman.
I guess he could be Spiderman, too. Spiderman does that.
5. Does he wear red and blue a lot? And yellow? Is there some yellow in there? Does he act like he’s getting away with something sneaky when he’s wearing red and blue?
Or does he occasionally go bare-chested with only a giant "S" to hide his shame?
6. Does he refuse to dress up as Superman for Halloween, even though you think he’d make a really cute Superman? It could be because Superman wears his skivvies on the outside, and some guys just don’t go for that sort of thing.
Also, most Superman costumes are ridiculous.
7. Does your boyfriend have friends named Diana Prince, Bruce Wayne and Oliver Queen? It’s either a remarkable coincidence, or they’ve already formed a Justice League.
And watch out for that Diana Prince. She tends to get a little handsy.
8. Speaking of names, does your boyfriend go by Clark Kent or some variation thereof? If so, that’s a dead giveaway.
9. Did your boyfriend date a Lana Lang before he met you? And is your name Lois?
And are you just cute as a BUTTON?
10. And, most importantly, does your boyfriend have superpowers? Specifically, Superman’s superpowers, which are variable and include making teeny little Supermans in some issues?
Teeny little supermen?
If your answer to all, most or some of these questions is yes, you can rest assured that you are probably dating Superman maybe.
I think what Alex Ross does with paints is a superpower of his own.
Songs to woo your superpowered lover by
It’s hard finding the right way to let your superhero significant other know you’re thinking of them (in a super way). But I feel your pain, and I am here to help.
Through the power … of music!
Here’s a list of 10 songs that kind of maybe have something to do with superheroes, or I like to think that a superhero would like them.
1. Four Color Love Story by The Metasciences. OK, this song is actually from the point of view of the superhero, but I still think it’s a great way to acknowledge that you’re living in a comic book, and you’re in love.
Sample line: “If you’ll keep my identity a secret, then you will know the touch beneath my glove. I may go out every night and risk my life for strangers, but you’re the only girl I’ll ever love.”
Bonus points for: listing super significant others, like Elektra, Lois Lane, Gwen Stacy and Sue Dibney. (She’s Elongated Man’s wife. Please pick up a DC comic book.)
Don't say, "But who's the Elongated Man?" Now you're just trying to piss me off.
2. Sunshine Superman by Donovan. Sometimes we all feel a little insecure. Donovan did. But you need to let your superlover know that you are awesome, and here’s a good groovy way to do it.
Sample line: “Superman and Green Lantern ain’t got nothing on me.”
Bonus points for: “I’ll pick up your hand and slowly blow your little mind.” That Donovan had some sexifyin’ goin’ on, baby.
3. Jimmy Olsen’s Blues by Spin Doctors. Sometimes, you just need to let your lover know you’re willing to go the extra distance to win her over, and that includes incapacitating the competition with their only weakness.
Sample line: “Come on downtown and stay with me tonight. I have got a pocketful of kryptonite.”
I don't know. Kryptonian or no, having this stuff in your pocket doesn't seem like it would do wonders for your sperm count there, Jimmy.
Bonus points for: the goofy beards.
4. Back Before We were Brittle by Say Hi. Boy, it’s sure been a long time since I mentioned Eric Elbogen (marry me, Eric! I love you!!). This song is for when you and your superspouse have hung up the capes for good, and need to reminisce.
Sample line: “Remember when we could save kittens from trees? Have lunch on skyscrapers? Bring the villains to their knees? Maybe we should move someplace new and build a time machine to to go and get us back. Back before we were brittle.”
Bonus points for: Being a song by the perfect man, Eric Elbogen. (Call me!)
I mean it, Eric Elbogen, I think we would be great friends.
5. Spiderman by The Ramones. OK, this song works best if you’re specifically dating Spiderman, so you could be all like, “Look what happens when your theme song is in the right hands?” But it also works for anyone who loves The Ramones. (That’s everybody, right?)
Sample lyric: “Spiderman, Spiderman, friendly neighborhood Spiderman. Is he strong? Listen, bud: he’s got radioactive blood.”
Bonus points for: I miss The Ramones. How many are left? Two? One? Is it one?
A moment of silence for the dead Ramones and the ones that I can't remember if they're dead or not.
6. Birdman Kicked My Ass by Wesley Willis. If your super loved one is being tormented by a supervillain, or is just on their merry way to a psychotic break (like the very excellent Mssr. Willis), this is the song for them.
Sample line: “Birdman caught me on his property. He saw me trespassing his real estate. He reached in his pocket for a pistol. He came after me and pistol-whipped my behind. Birdman kicked my ass.”
Bonus points for: The Power of Awesome.
Wesley wielded it like none before and none since.
7. I Am Superman by R.E.M. Eh, your super significant other will like this song because “Superman” and “R.E.M.”
Sample line: “I am, I am, I am Superman, and I know what’s happening.”
Bonus points: For being one of the few R.E.M. songs from that era where you can mostly understand what Michael Stipe is saying.
8. Batdance by Prince. Sometimes, you just need to find out if the superhero you’re dating is funky. This is the best way.
Sample line: “Stop the press, who is that?”
Bonus points for: Doing a whole album of music for the Tim Burton film. Also, for being Prince.
God bless Purple Rain.
9. “Heroes” by David Bowie. This song lets your caped crusading darling know that, even though you’re not out there fighting crime too, the both of you are heroes.
Sample line: “We can be heroes. Just for one day.”
Bonus points for: Hello, it’s Bowie!
10. My Hero by Foo Fighters. Hey, maybe the one you love doesn’t actually have superpowers. Or an arsenal of bat-themed weapons. Or the build to wear a spandex or leather suit. This song lets them know that’s OK.
Sample line: “There goes my hero. Watch him as he goes. There goes my hero. He’s ordinary.”
Bonus points: for having a kickass video, just like all the Foo ones. It makes me miss the days of music videos.
Superpowers I don’t want
As a child, I played a game called “Superheroes” a lot. Basically, it involved my brother and I running around and hitting each other and saying, “No, I have lightning powers” or “No, I can phase through walls.”
The basic rule was: we weren’t supposed to have the same superpower as anybody else playing. This became problematic when our friends came over, because all the good powers got used up pretty fast. (Another rule was: you can’t be Superman, because that’s major unfair.)
Here’s some lame powers that if Stan Lee came up and was like, “Hey! Superpowers! You want some?”, I would have to be all: “No thank you, Mr. Stan Lee, a god among men, sir.”
1. Mind-reading. Sure, every X-man who can read your mind also has some telekinetic abilities as well, but before Jean Grey went all Dark Phoenix on our asses, she could do what? Bend spoons? And, if you’re the unfortunate X-man who can do naught but mind-read, you’re going to know the rest of your more ass-kicking teammates are thinking about how incredibly lame you are, and possibly how those pants emphasize your fat ass.
As a matter of fact, my ass looks FINE, Shadowcat.
2. Time travel. There’s nothing wrong with traveling in time. In theory. But you put it into practice and what have you got? Hiro from Heroes, that’s what you’ve got! Always traveling to the past to try to fix things and making them lamer. Also traveling to the future to try to fix things and making them lamer. He might as well just stay in the present and be satisfied making it lame. Or start using his samurai sword! Jeez! Wait, what was my point here? Oh, yeah, my point was this: What good does it do you to be able to travel in time if you can’t do anything useful once you get to where you’re going, like fire laser beams from your eyes or something?
Wait .... Is THAT how he's using his katana? Could someone PLEASE cancel this show?
3. Invulnerability. Now, everybody wants to be Wolverine when they grow up. I mean, how cool is that? You’re a short Canadian with some supra-nasty hair, but the hot chicks still dig you, am I right, Storm and Jean Grey? Plus you’ve got the whole snikt! factor going. What could be better??! Errr, can you ever, you know, die? Wolverine’s been beat up pretty good and probably laying there with his legs in one pile and his torso in another and wishing for death, but he knows eventually, he’s going to have to drag his tattered remains back over to those legs and try to hook together. Plus, he’s lost everyone he ever loved because he is an unaging, undying freak. Thank god for that amnesia, or he’d be the mopiest X-man ever.
On the plus side, Hugh Jackman!
4. Whatever that power is that Dazzler has. Look, I don’t care how pretty the sparkly lights are that you make with your synth-crap music, if your superpower requires your supermoniker to be “Dazzler,” you have been saddled with the lamest power of all.
Frak the '70s. God.
5. Having giant wings. Sure, you can fly like the birds and all, but where the hell do you store those things? Also, are you any good in a fight now that you have ginormous wings? No, you are not. In fact, you’re a big, fat, winged target for the other supers with far, far superior superpowers. Frak you, giant wings.
Yeah, it looks cool now, but wait until I have to try to put on a shirt.
6. Turning your body into ice. I’ve already given Iceman a hard time for this, and, really, kid should take a lesson from the far superior Elijah Snow on how to use his powers, but why, why, WHY would you want to turn your body into ice? It’s like, hey! What’s more breakable than the human body? Ooooh, ice! I know, I’ll turn into that!
Iceman, that's your ass, getting shattered. Please marry me, fictional character Elijah Snow.
7. X-ray vision. This power would be all right when combined with several other powers, such as super-strength to punch the hell out of the wall you just x-ray visioned through or the power of super-thievery, but on its own? Ooooh, I can see through stuff. Ooooh. (The “Oooohs” are sarcastic.)
Oooooh!
8. Shrinking. Batman never said, “Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot, so I shall shrink down to actual bat-size to fight them.” You know why he never said that? ‘Cause that’s stupid. Ant-man, Atom-man and the rest of you, sure you can get into places that the rest of your super-powered friends can’t, but those places aren’t very awesome anyway, plus, now a rat can kick your ass. So lame.
Gods, Ant-man, could you be any lamer? What's that? You beat your wife? I stand corrected.
9. Invisibility. First off, you’ve got the whole “scientifically speaking, you’d actually be blind while you’re invisible,” but what does science have to do with superpowers? Nothing. So, anyway, you’re invisible. Now what? Are you stronger? Faster? Shooting laser beams from your eyes?? No? In fact, you’re more likely to get hit by friendly fire now that your teammates can’t see you? How useful! I mean, c’mon, they didn’t give Sue Storm the ability to make force fields somehow because being invisible is so awesome.
Clothes or go naked? Clothes or go naked?
10. Being Aqua-man. Hey! Guys! Wanna fight me?! Come get me! Yeah! Come in the water! Where the sea creatures do my bidding! Come on! What are you, chicken? You’re chicken, aren’t you? You know, we call dolphins the “chicken of the sea”! Or is that tuna? Anyway, c’mon! Let’s go! Just hop in the water! We’ll fight! I’ll whomp you good! Just hop in the water! Hey! No! Stop walking away! Stop! Walking! Away!
Dammit.
Guys?
Batman vs. Superman
Yeah, I know Frank Miller’s already done it, and with much cooler art too, but I thought it was about time I had a matchup between comic book characters that other people have actually heard of.
By the way, you should really have read Planetary and Death Note by now, and I fervently hope that you do. Especially Planetary. What a great series. Sighhhh … Oh, Elijah Snow, you are the best comic book character ever.
Erm, except for Superman and Batman, of course, who will now battle it out for bestest ever (est).
I can't even make a joke here, I miss Christopher Reeve so much. *Sniff*
- Also? He has batarangs.
Physicality. Whooo boy, this is a tough one. You’ve got plenty of different artists’ perspectives on these two gents, but they tend to agree on this: these boys are smokin’ hot. I mean, Bruce Wayne (that’s Batman, for the non-comic book … you know what? Everyone knows that, even my mom. If you didn’t know it, get off the internets now!) doesn’t have a playboy persona just because he’s fabulously wealthy, which he totally is, but also because he’s one fine specimen of human male (that works out constantly). Superman’s got the blue-eyed, dark-haired (errr, Supes does have blue eyes, right? I always assumed he had blue eyes) thing going on, plus that spit-curl. The winner? Batman, because fabulous wealth always makes a man more attractive.Ass-kicking ability. The sad thing here is both men are burdened by a silly moral code that prevents them from kicking ass unto death, so we have to be satisfied with some half-assed ass-kickings. (Yes, I am trying to use the word “ass” as often as possible, why do you ass …k?) Batman is trained in, like, 200 different martial arts and I think he does some gymnastics too (Editor’s note: why aren’t you googling these facts, Lokifire?), and Superman is an alien with superhuman abilities. On a scale of 1 to “Beating your face in,” these two vigilantes are both on the “And I did it with my pinky finger” end of the scale. However, superhuman abilities tend to beat the pinnacle of human abilities, so, no matter how much Bats can bench-press, Superman is our winner.
Ability to commit. What’s this category doing in a superhero matchup, you ask? Hey, it’s my blog. I can make up whatever categories I want and you can’t stop me. I could even have a category where I compare their toenail cutting ability (winner? Batman, ’cause you know he gets his butler to do it for him). This category, however, is just a gimme for our boy Superman, who has a thing for lovely ladies (whose initials are also L.L., just like lovely ladies, and Mr. Cool J), but has remained faithful to Lois Lane for lo these many years. Batman is a commitment-phobe, and that’s all there is to it.
Implied pedophilia?
Ummmm ... could this really be interpreted innocently? I mean, really?
Maybe the '50s or whatever were just a more innocent time, or when this sort of thing was OK. Stupid '50s.
Errrr, let’s call this one a tie.
Detective skills? Look, I’ve got nothing against Superman, but he’s not really the brightest bulb in the aliens who fell to earth pack and, boy, that simile kind of went to hell on me, didn’t it? Batman, on the other hand, we might as well match up against Sherlock Holmes and call it a day. Although he’s no Elijah Snow, who was trained by Sherlock Holmes, and read Planetary already. Winner? Bats.
Best costume? Look, Bats, the whole goth thing is so over, you know? Real 1990s, maybe the oughts. Emo’s the thing now. On the other hand, Superman is wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants and they are bright red. Winner? Batman.
Most tragic origin? Both Superman and Batman are orphans. That’s just really, really sad. Terribly, tremendously sad. Sad, sad, sad. On the other hand, Superman was just a baby when his parents bit the big one, and Batman witnessed his parents getting murdered to death (like there’s another way to get murdered, right?) in front of his eyes. On yet another hand, however, Superman’s entire planet blew up. Then again, he was adopted by really nice farm folk who taught him to help people and other good old American values (God Bless the USA!!) and Batman dedicated his life to revenge. Winner? Batman again.
Coolest villain? Superman’s got Lex Luthor, who was voted president at some point in the DC Universe’s sketchy history. The Batman’s got the Joker, who is completely sociopathic. They’re both evil, but the Joker is awfully iconic. What’ve you got going for you, Lex? You’re bald? Lots of men are bald, Lex. Winner? Batman again again.
Most likely to break that silly moral code and kill your ass dead? Hee, hee, I said “kill your ass dead.” Um, I mean, Batman! Superman is the opposite of conflicted. He’s proflicted. Winner? Batman, ’cause, in the right (or wrong, I guess) circumstances, he would twist your damned head off.
I could keep going. But Batman’s just going to win some more.
In conclusion, Batman wins. He is the Dark Knight, after all, and Superman is just a glorified Boy Scout.
