Lately, I’ve been thinking about boys named Edward
Remember Terminator 2? Remember Edward Furlong? Such promise he held! That snazzy 1990s haircut!
Actually, the hair doesn't look too bad here.
The delivery of lines containing horribly, horribly outdated lingo! The way he had a pet terminator! Things could only go up from there, skyrocketing him into a career filled with awesome roles and busty supermodel girlfriends.
Just think of all the Calvin Klein model tail he got after this shoot.
Except that didn’t really happen.
"Is it because of my hair?"
Or if it did, it happened quietly in, like, Europe or somewhere.
So, as I wondered, “where have you been, Edward Furlong,” I set my crack team on the trail. Or went to IMDb, one of the two.
As we all know, Edward Furlong’s career began when he was thrust into the spotlight with Terminator 2. It seems to be a trend among child actors that they get cast in some awesome sequel to a previous awesome movie and then disappear forever. (See: Ke Quan, Jonathan for a striking example of this phenomenon.)
He followed up that piece of cinematic greatness with a role in American Heart, which sounds kind of familiar to me, but I don’t think I actually know what it is.
I wonder if Jeff Bridges' moustache is listed in the credits too.
Then, of course, we all know he starred in Pet Sematary II, which … wait. They made a sequel to Pet Sematary? I actually remember watching this movie, which means, in 1992, my love for Edward Furlong must have been great indeed.
I'm so ashamed of myself for watching this.
Moving right along, he’s actually gotten plum roles in some fun little flicks, like John Waters’ Pecker, which is less about dick than you would imagine, but also completely forgettable. He was in American History X with Edward Norton, which I totally did not know, probably because critics only ever mention Norton and I have never actually seen the film. In 1999, he was in something called Detroit Rock City, which was about teens trying to get into a KISS concert, and I already don’t care.
Then came the 00s, when his career kind of imploded or something. I mean he was in a French film. A French film! No one stars in French films except the French! (Note: this film could also be Italian, but my point still stands.) Then it was on to 3 Blind Mice, because every actor from the ’90s has been contracturally scripted into movies about the Internet. There’s, like, a law or something. Then he was in a Crow sequel, because Hollywood kept making those for some reason, and, for the Buffy fans among you, it also stars David Boreanz, but you probably knew that already. That was an excessively long sentence, and I apologize for that.
I'm not, however, going to apologize for pointing out that he looks a lot like a girl here.
After that, there were a bunch more movies that I didn’t even know existed, like 2006′s Warriors of Terra and 2009′s Night of the Demons. On the bright side, Edward Furlong is still getting a paycheck. On the much less bright side, it’s for stuff like that, you know?
From 2006 to 2010, our boy Edward has had a recurring role on CSI: NY, so I guess if I watched that I would’ve known he’s not dead, just like Gary Sinise!! But I don’t watch it, so I guess Edward and Gary are both dead to me.
Eh, at least it's not CSI: Miami.
Then, Eddie’s got a bunch of films in post-production, including The Green Hornet, which I can’t decide whether I should be excited or filled with dread about, as Tupper. I don’t know who Tupper is, but I’ve only seen three episodes of The Green Hornet ever, so for all I know, he’s the Green Hornet’s long-lost twin brother. But probably not, since Seth Rogen is playing the Green Hornet.
I suppose he could be Seth Rogen's long-lost FRATERNAL twin brother.
Also, did you guys know that Edward has an album that was released in Japan? I’m not sure the Japanese even knew that. He has suffered from problems with drugs and alcohol, which I can only assume led to him being romantically linked with Paris Hilton.
This is why you shouldn't do drugs, kids. You could end up dating Paris Hilton.
At least Paris Hilton isn't in this picture, but it's still a good case for not doing drugs.
I feel I should insert here that he has also had issues with his weight.
So there you go. It turns out little Eddie Furlong has not quit making movies and is, in fact, rather successful, and I just need to get to the theaters or the Redbox more.
