Choosing is hard. Staying home is easy.
Holy hanging albatross, Batman! Are there a lot of crappy movies opening this weekend!
(Although that was phrased as a question, it’s not actually a question. You could probably tell from the absent question mark, but just in case you thought I hit the exclamation point by mistake, I’m just clarifying.)
(Yes, I’m aware that came off as a bit snooty.)
First off, you’ve got Just Go With It, because Hollywood sat down and said, “You know what? Adam Sandler’s schtick is wearing thin and Jennifer Anniston has become a one-trick pony. How ’bout we change things up and put them in a rom-com together? What a good idea!”
I hate you so much, Hollywood, and I hate the viewing public in advance for making this a success.
Then: Gnomeo and Juliet. Because garden gnomes aren’t creepy and oh god they’re alive. THEY’RE ALIVE!!!!
Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I do have a pathological fear of ALMOST EVERYTHING, thanks for asking. On a related topic, Gah! Garden gnomes!
Also, you’ve got Justin Bieber in 2D AND 3D. And I just want you to know right now that I have nothing against Justin Bieber, despite my irrational hatred of most pop culture things, he seems like a genuinely talented and sweet-natured kid who is being marketed as a pussy by adults, and you can’t blame him for that. (You can avoid his movie for that, though, which I wholly intend to do.) I really hate his hair, though.
Damn your stupid hair, kid, and damn the tweens who love it.
And then you’ve got The Eagle, which actually looks like it is even worse than I imagined it would be. On the bright side, it stars Channing Tatum’s chest, and it shows his name in the credits, so I know I got it right this time, huzzah! On the down side, if it’s a movie starring Channing Tatum, it’s going to suck so why bother.
Because Hollywood desperately needs another Roman epic?
