A love letter to Father Tres Iqus
Dear Father Tres,
I don’t want the fact that you’re a (gunslinging android) priest to be a barrier to our love. In fact, part of the reason I love you is because you’re a priest! The other part of the reason is the gunslinging android thing, because who doesn’t love a gunslinging android? (Other than my mom, who always rolls her eyes and mutters something about “where did I go wrong?” and “at least I have your brother” when I talk about androids, gunslinging or no.)
C'mon, Mom, how can you not love an android with snazzy hair like that?
In fact, Father Tres, if I had to sit down and come up with my favorite thing about you, it would be the gunslinging. With the “android priest” part coming in a close second.
Yeah. Definitely the gunslinging.
And let’s not let the androidness of yourself get in the way of our love! I mean, things worked out for Helo and Athena, right?
Gods, they are so pretty.
I mean, sure, you’re 600 pounds of pure killing machine, but that’s all right. I love you for it! I love the way you’re shooting things and speaking all robotically. That’s so hot, Father Tres.
You are the only reason I keep reading the Trinity Blood series, Father Tres.
And I’m sure you’re wondering right now what I would bring to our relationship, and I am telling you: absolutely nothing. Do you know why, Father Tres? It’s because you’re an android, and thus can be programmed to love me despite (or perhaps even because of!) my foibles. I like the word foibles, and with the help of a wrench, soon you will too, Father Tres!
So ditch that damn Abel Nightroad and give this some consideration. Like, .7 seconds worth.
If he spent more time shooting things and less time being all wishy-washy, I'm sure I'd like him better.
Kisses!
And if you're not available, could you get me this guy's number?
The Terminator vs. Father Tres
“But who is Father Tres?” you ask (I told you already, I can heeeeaarrr you).
Father Tres, codenamed Gunslinger, is the gunslinging (hence the code name, I suppose) android priest from the Trinity Blood light novels/manga/anime.
“Look,” you say. “I’ve heard of The Terminator, but what the hell is Trinity Blood?”
It’s not important. All that matters is that Father Tres Iquis is a gunslinging android priest, which is possibly the coolest combination of things to be ever except for that upcoming movie, Ninja Assassin.
Because there's nothing cooler than a ninja assassin, unless it is an ANDROID ninja assassin.
So how does a gunslinging android priest fare in competition against the well-known-est android of all?
Sooooooo. Gunsling-y!
"Governator" was a headline that totally made me giggle.
Let’s find out, shall we?
Physicality. If we’re counting sheer size alone, Ahhh-nold (yes, I will insist on referring to him in that manner, as I have already told you I can’t spell his name!) wins, because he is one massive fellow. However, we all know that Lokifire doesn’t grade on muscle mass and ignore a pretty animated face. Winner? The petite, 600-lb (or so) Father Tres.
Coolest codename? The Terminator’s codename (?) is “The Terminator.” Father Tres Iquis’s codename is “Gunslinger.” Holy leaping cats, Batman! Those are both supra-awesome codenames! In conclusion, it’s a total damn tie. I mean, could you pick “Gunslinger” over “The Terminator” or vice versa? You couldn’t, could you? It’s a total draw, isn’t it? So! Awesome!
Coolest catchphrase. The Terminator has two: “I’ll be back” and “Hasta la vista, baby.” They’re cooler if you imagine Ahhh-nold saying them. Father Tres doesn’t seem to have a catchphrase, although he often tells his enemies what fraction of a second too slow they are, which is really kind of an asshole move. Could someone have programmed him to have a little discretion? Jeez. Winner? The Terminator.
Fighting for the best cause? The Terminator starts out all evil, but then he’s fighting to save humanity, and then there were some other movies that I never saw. Father Tres has always been programmed to protect humanity … from VAMPIRES! (It’s a really weird series, OK?) Winner: It’s another tie, although I’m not sure humanity is really the best cause out there, but whatever.
Coolest robotic series? The Terminator is from the 800 series of robots. Father Tres comes from the “Killing Doll” series. Oooooooh, “Killing Doll” sounds totally cool, doesn’t it? Doesn’t it?! Winner? Father Tres.
Fought something made of liquid metal? You’d think this would be a gimme for The Terminator, wouldn’t you? Well, you’re right, it is, because they quit translating the Trinity Blood novels into English, and until I learn Japanese or they make a better anime, I don’t know what happens later on in the series. Winner? The Terminator.
Remember when you first saw this scene? Gods, wasn't it soooo cool?
Possibly a cyborg and not an android at all? Nope, no matter what wikipedia thinks, The Terminator is not made from any human bits. Well, maybe they peeled the skin of some human in the future, but I don’t think that’s how it worked? Father Tres, on the other hand, has, like, part of a human’s brain in his program or something (it’s a really, REALLY weird series). Winner? Father Tres.
Most likely to shoot you full of holes as soon as look at you? If you’re an evil vampire, you’re facing some serious trouble from Father Tres. Otherwise, you’re pretty much safe. He’s been programmed not to shoot innocent humans. If you’re dealing with the old-school Terminator, the answer is yes, he will shoot you up till you look like a piece of Swiss cheese. That is bleeding. However, Edward Furlong’s character totally neutered the poor Terminator, and now he doesn’t kill anybody. Winner? It’s a tie in sadness.
Coolest outfit? The Terminator totally stole some fat biker’s leather clothes. That’s so cool! But Father Tres dresses like a priest who carries around a ton of guns. Winner? Father Tres.
Overall winner? Apparently, you can’t get any cooler than being a gunslinging android priest, but The Terminator comes as close as anybody.
