Nowadays, it seems like all the cool kids are dating vampires. (Well, them and that Bella chick, anyway.) And you don’t want to be left out! You’re pretty sure your boyfriend is a vampire … probably.
Well, you’re wrong.
Here’s how you know for certain.
1. Let’s just get this out of the way right off the bat: Your boyfriend sparkles in the sunlight.
If your boyfriend sparkles in the sunlight, you’re not dating a vampire. You’re dating a unicorn.
2. Your boyfriend has never killed you to drink your blood.
That’s good news for you, I guess, but bad news for the likelihood of your boyfriend being a vampire.
3. Your boyfriend wears a lot of black and dark eye makeup.
Eh, he’s probably just a goth kid or perhaps in a visual-kei band.
4. But he’s so pale and he looks kind of like Dracula!
Does he pee red? If he pees red, he suffers from porphyria. (No, it’s not from all the blood.)
5. He can get into buildings uninvited.
Hardly any supernatural creatures can get into human dwellings uninvited, which is nice. Aliens probably can, though.
6. He’s not actually, you know, dead.
Techinically, vampires are undead, but you do have to die first and then come back to be a vampire. Kind of like those people in all the “I saw a White Light” specials!
7. He enjoys Italian and Chinese food.
Whoa there with the garlic, buddy! I thought you were a vampire!
8. C’mon, list! He says he’s a vampire!
You know who doesn’t claim to be vampires? Vampires. They don’t want to get staked.
9. He does like sleeping in a coffin.
I already told you: Goth.
10. He doesn’t have the distinctive odor of … eh, let’s describe it as “horrible, rotting flesh” … about him.
I know, I know. Your boyfriend doesn’t smell, you know, great, but he is a teenage boy. And I’m sorry, teenage boys, but there are some of you who desperately, desperately need to meet our friends “soap” and “deodorant.”
God help me, I won’t me to do it, but I will laugh at you so hard if I ever see you wearing this shit.
Nowadays, teens find themselves in relationships with all manner of mythical creatures, monsters and emo kids. But sometimes it’s hard to tell if your boyfriend is of a supernatural background or if he’s just plain hairy.
Thus, I have created this handy guide to help you find out if the boy you’re dating really is a werewolf or if he just wants an excuse to pee in your front yard.
1. There are two really obvious questions that we should just get out of the way first thing. Here is the first: Does your boyfriend change into a wolf with the full moon?
If the answer is yes, you are almost certainly dating a werewolf. I mean, really, it’s kind of obvious. Turning into a wolf is, like, the main symptom of being a werewolf. In case you weren’t sure.
2. The second obvious question is this: Are you only dating him to get over your vampire ex-boyfriend?
If the answer to this question is yes, then there is no doubt about it: you are definitely dating a werewolf.
Now, perhaps we’re dealing in subtleties here. Perhaps you think he’s probably a werewolf, but you just don’t know. The rest of these questions will help you find out for certain: is he a werewolf?
3. You haven’t actually seen him transform, but you’ve noticed you’re not the only one who gets a bit beastly once a month.
Ha, ha, it’s a menstruation joke! Whoop!
Seriously, though, this isn’t conclusive evidence that your boyfriend is a werewolf. Some men react negatively to their girlfriends’ cycles. Some only get paid once a month and get a little twitchy as they run low on funds. Some men are just plain bitches, and perhaps you should pay more attention the rest of the month.
4. He seems excessively hairy.
He could suffer from Hypertrichosis, which is romantically called werewolf syndrome, but involves less sexy shape-changing and more razor purchases.
Either that, or you’re dating a Wookiee.
He could be a werewolf, though.
5. Are you living in a gothic romance?
If you are living in a gothic romance and you are dating a guy you suspect is a werewolf, never fear. He’s not. He’s actually a “shifter,” which is what gothic romances call them nowadays.
Sure, it makes him sound a bit of a pussy and brings up the mental image of Marvel’s Morph, but you can be relieved that he’s not actually a werewolf.
6. Does he show a strong aversion to silver?
Some people just don’t like silver. I don’t know why. To me, it’s better than gold because it goes nicely with black and white, and is less obtrusive with most shades of blue.
On the other hand, if he shows a strong aversion to silver bullets, he could be a werewolf, or just a rational-thinking human being who wants you to stop shooting me with silver bullets, dammit.
7. Has he pissed off any witches, shaman or anyone else with the ability to place a curse on him?
A lot of people believe that people are turned into a werewolf via curse, which I think is silly, because it would be much worse if the curse turned your next-door-neighbor into a werewolf. Sooner or later, you know he’s coming for you.
At any rate, if your boyfriend has pissed off someone with magical abilities, there is the possibility he is a werewolf, but it’s just as possible they’ve decided to curse him with erectile dysfunction. It could really go either way.
8. Has he been bitten by a werewolf?
Maybe it was a real wolf. Is he showing symptoms of rabies? To the uneducated eye, rabies can appear a lot like lyncanthropy. Take him to the doctor. If they can cure him of his ailment with a series of painful shots to the abdomen, he’s not a werewolf. If, instead, he kills and eats the doctor, you have a whole ‘nother can of worms to deal with, including the possibility that he could be a werewolf.
9. Does he run around shirtless a lot?
Apparently werewolves do that.
10. Is he overly protective of you when your vampire ex-boyfriend comes around?
Look, I thought I told you already, if you are dating a guy, any guy, after dating a vampire, he is clearly a werewolf and you are only using him to soothe your own hurt feelings. Clear up your guilty conscience, why not, and introduce him to your neighbor’s pretty Husky.
It’s been a while since I’ve done a Top Ten list. I chalk that up to many things. Most of which include the word “laziness,” so whatever.
This list honors my undying love of Eric Elbogen and his music. At least it’s undying for now. In high school, I wanted to marry the Smashing Pumpkins (yes, all of them), so I might change my mind. But currently, I plan to become a ninja, marry Mssr. Elbogen and train him in the way of the ninja, and then we will commit a series of daring daylight heists. Call me, Eric Elbogen! We could make this work!
By the way, this list of songs by Say Hi that I really love is in no particular order because don’t make me choose.
1. These Fangs from Impeccable Blahs. There’s a definite drum machine vibe to this song, but I don’t mind, because Eric Elbogen is awesome and I love him. I also love the line “I don’t mind if you wanna hide your fangs too.” This is from the album that’s all about vampires, back before they sparkled.
2. Laundry from Discosadness. It would turn me off a little that Eric Elbogen waits until his laundry is dirty enough to give him high-fives before he heads down to the laundromat, but he is Eric Elbogen, and thus, awesome in every way, so it doesn’t bother me. Favorite line: “I put it off, but they were alive. When I’d walk by, they’d give me five.”
3. Northwestern Girls from The Wishes and The Glitch. Eric Elbogen had moved from NYC to Seattle for the making of this album, and he thought all the northwestern girls were really nice and wrote this song about them. Technically speaking, I am also from the northwest, even if I’m a few states over, so this song is also about me. The line I love the most is “It must be in the air here.”
4. November Was White, December Was Grey from Oohs & Aahs. Eric Elbogen hates winter as much as I do! Eric Elbogen hates winter as much as I do! Between this and the geekiness, I sense that we are soul mates. Bestest line? “For these three months, I’ve been inside the house. My pacing’s worn all of the carpet out” would win, but for these words: “I’ll feel better when the winter’s gone.” Gods, it’s so true, Eric Elbogen. It’s so true.
5. Blah Blah Blah from Impeccable Blahs. I believe I have written of my love for this song before. In fact, I’m certain of it. It’s not only about vampires, it also quotes the Borg. Y’all can see why I love this guy, right? Plus, after I listen to it, I run around singing, “I am going to drink your blood. And I just wanna drink your blood.” But my favorite line is (of course): “The trains stop for you and so do the boys when you run your fingers through your hair. But … Resistance Is Futile.”
6. Let’s Talk About Spaceships from Numbers & Mumbles. Eric Elbogen also hates talking about relationships! We are so meant to be!!! The whole song is about him trying to avoid talking to his girlfriend about his relationship, saying things like, “I should’ve paid attention in algebra.” and “Don’t look now, but there’s a spider on the wall behind you.” Actually, those are in the same stanza, and in exactly the opposite order I listed them in. But my favoritest bit is “Let’s talk about spaceships or anything except you and me, OK?”
7. Toil and Trouble from The Wishes and The Glitch. In this song, Eric Elbogen is making a love potion to woo some chick. It’s just because he hasn’t met me yet. “She’s gonna love me, oh yes she will.” Oh, Eric Elbogen, you don’t need a love potion. If your awesome isn’t enough to win her over, she doesn’t deserve you. My favorite line is actually when he says “Oh yeah” repeatedly, not due so much to any clever use of lyrics there, but more for the tone of his voice, which makes me happy.
8. Back Before We Were Brittle from The Wishes and The Glitch. The Wishes and The Glitch might be my favorite Say Hi album. Or Impeccable Blahs. It’s so hard to choose! This song seems to be about superheroes who are a little less powerful these days. Best bit: “Remember when we could save kittens from trees? Or have lunch on skyscrapers. Bring the villains to their knees.” Man, those were great days!
9. Sweet Sweet Heartkiller from Impeccable Blahs. This song makes me think of that episode of Homicide where Kyle Secor’s character hooked up with some chick and I think they had sex in a coffin. Which seems uncomfortable to me, especially since he’s 6’5″. Maybe she just slept in the coffin. I don’t know. Anyway, the chick in this song is actually a vampire, so it makes sense that she sleeps in a coffin, because that is totally a thing that vampires do. Best line? Any time he refers to Ginsu knives: “Her winks cut through me like a Ginsu.” “She bites through necks like a Ginsu.”
10. Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh from Oohs & Aahs. I always lose count of the number of “ohs” in the title of this song. Also, it was apparently on an episode of Gossip Girl. Good for it! Lovely line? “If the devil was a girl and she wore a yellow tee, it would be the spitting image, but that’s all right with me.” Although I also appreciate the way “it’s the sound of her verbs,” because I can totally relate to that. Please marry me.
Look, I know I pick on Twilight mercilessly, but you know what? It’s really easy and I’m the lazy sort.
Here’s 10 ways to tell if the guy you’re dating is a vampire or not.
1. Does he watch you while you sleep?
Are you sleeping in the same bed and you fell asleep before him? He’s probably not a vampire.
Did he sneak into your house to watch you sleep? He’s a stalker, but he could also be a vampire.
Before he sneaked into your house to watch you sleep, did he have to be invited inside? He could be a vampire, but he could also be a stalker with some OCD tendencies.
Is he watching you sleep while he’s floating near your ceiling? Congratulations! You’re either on the moon, or you’re dating a vampire.
2. Does he hate sunlight?
Does he have that one disease where people are allergic to sunlight? He’s not normal, and you’re doomed to a dim lifestyle, plus he probably isn’t otherwise too particularly healthy, but he’s not a vampire.
Does he freckle easily? He could just be normal and embarrassed.
Does he wear black a lot and sunglasses at night? If he’s also wearing more lipstick than you, he is probably a goth and not a vampire at all. (Are there still goths anymore? Kids nowadays, I swear.)
Does he sparkle in the sunlight? He’s not a vampire, he’s a glam rocker.
Does he burst into flames when sunlight strikes his body? Congratulations! Get that boy under a blanket stat, you’re dating a vampire!
3. When you ask how he knew where to find you, does he say things like, “I could smell you”?
Have you considered bathing more frequently? Or perhaps it’s your excessive perfume.
Does he have a hyperactive sense of smell? You will never sneak a silent fart past this guy.
Maybe he’s actually a werewolf? Could be.
Did he actually say “I could smell your blood”? And then he described how your blood smelled and got this crazy look in his eyes, tried not to drool and moaned, “I can’t help myself”? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire.
4. Does he recoil at the sight of a crucifix?
Did he grow up in an uber-religious house? He could just be experiencing some sort of religious backlash.
Is the crucifix a little on the gaudy side? Perhaps he’s just showing good judgment.
Is he Jewish? You might want to ask if he’s Jewish. It will save you Christmas-related embarrassment.
As he recoils from said crucifix, does he also hiss and cover his face and possibly turn into smoke? Congratulations! Either this guy takes his atheism seriously, or you’re dating a vampire!
5. Does he have a large family and none of them look very much alike?
Is he adopted? He could be adopted. If he is, does he know he’s adopted? You might have to be the one to break the news.
Is he a damn hippie? Damn hippies oftentimes think of mankind at large as their “family.” (Dump him! Damn hippies!)
I hate to put it indelicately like this, but was his mom a slut? I mean, she could have 10 different baby daddies, and that could explain why none of his siblings look like him.
Does his “family” all talk about blood a lot and “keeping our true identities secret” and sometimes they talk about the Civil War like they were there and then be like, “Oops, I mean I read that in a history book!” and get all fidgety and awkward? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire.
6. Does he mention “lost loves” in a melancholy way?
Is he a bit of a drama queen? He could just be a drama queen.
Is he your history teacher? Your parents should probably be informed.
Does he look your age, seem your age, but talk about old girlfriends as if they were decades-long dead? Maybe they were really awful and he just wants to pretend they’re decades-long dead.
Does he look your age, seem your age, but talk about old girlfriends as if they were decades-long dead? And they actually are? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire, because an android wouldn’t be so damned sentimental.
7. Does he drink a red liquid out of a wine goblet, but won’t let you have any?
Is it wine? Maybe you act like a big goober when you’re drunk.
Is it blood? He could have some sort of fetish, like those glam rockers I mentioned earlier.
Is it blood and he gets weak and withers away if he doesn’t have a glass of it every night? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire, or an actor who’s taken “The Method” to extremes.
8. Has he bitten you?
Have you tried relaxing a little? Some people find that sort of thing erotic.
Have you told him you don’t find it erotic and he does it anyway? He’s a jerk, and he’s hoping you’ll bite him back.
Has he tried not biting you, but then says something about how he can feel your blood and it’s like the heavens and earth colliding and then he’s at your neck like some sort of shite-poetry-spouting leech? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire! (Or some sort of shite-poetry-spouting leech.)
9. Did he go see Twilight with you?
Does he want in your pants really bad? Seriously, why would you make your boyfriend go to Twilight with you? I think you’re the asshole in this scenario.
Is he gay? My best gay friend always wants to see romantic comedies, which is why we never go to the movies together.
Did he sit there, snort into his hand and say, “That’s not how real vampires are!”? He could just be a purist.
Did he sit there, snort into his hand and say, “That’s not how real vampires are!” and then follow it up with, “Er, not that I would know or anything, because I’m just your average, everyday guy.”? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire who is also a bad liar.
10. Does nothing kill him except a stake through the heart?
Is he Michael Myers? The stake probably won’t work either. Nothing kills that guy.
Is he Spike Spiegel from Cowboy Bebop? Don’t worry, he’ll die in the series finale.
You’ve got to ask yourself, why are you staking this guy through the heart? If the answer is “Because he’s a vampire,” then congratulations! You’re dating a vampire.
Yea, though zombies are infinitely superior to their undead brethren, especially now that a generation of writers has made them infinitely mopey, vampires do have a few redeeming qualities.
I will list them now for your reading pleasure.
1. Vampires validate goth kids. I know, I know. I hate the goth kids as much as you, especially that one who stole my college boyfriend, but what would they have without the vampire culture? No reason to get up at night, that’s what they’d have.
2. Vampires burst into flames in sunlight. Except for those lame-ass Twilight vampires, but the less said about “teh sparkle,” the better. In fact, the most bestest vampire/sunlight mass death was the end of From Dusk till Dawn. You know the bit. When the sunlight hits the disco ball? So. Awesome.
3. Vampires give ash a use. I mean seriously, the ash tree? It’s not good for building (I assume). Cedar’s better for closets. The fair folk are more frightened of iron than trees, so the only thing to do with that grove cluttering up your back yard is to make stakes, and lots of them.
4. Vampires ate my baby! No, wait, that’s dingos. Carry on.
5. Vampires are awfully well-kept for folks without reflections. When was the last time you saw a vampire with a zit or in the midst of a bad hair day? I mean, these undead try to keep themselves looking nice, even without the benefit of mirrors. Also, why don’t they show up in mirrors? Corpses do. They’re just corpses. Jesus, vampire mythology, can you be a little less stupid?
6. Vampires hate garlic! Just like you do! Not me, though. I love garlic. Especially in Chinese cooking. Yummmmm.
7. Vampires can’t knock you up. Your lover’s sperm is just as dead as he is, so go bareback or whatever. Plus, rigor mortis! I have officially grossed myself out, yes.
8. Vampires are polite. No vampire worth his salt is coming into someone’s house uninvited. Manners, people! They’re important!
9. Vampires support struggling coffin makers. You know, most people only need one coffin in their lifetime. Not so the vampire! Sure, he can make do with the same one until his inevitable staking or flame-bursting-into…ness, but you know some of those vampires are switching it up a bit.
10. Vampires gave pretty Boone from Lost a place on my television screen again. Oh, pretty Boone. So. Pretty. Sooooo. Pretty.
Except for a few teens who are still going through their goth phase, that is.
But has anyone quantified the many ways in which zombies are better than vampires? They probably have. But I’m going to do it too.
1. Zombies don’t care about appearances. Not since the early 1900s have vampires been portrayed as walking corpses clad in their death shrouds. Today’s vampire only sucks the blood of the beautiful and wears a lot of velvet. Snobs.
2. Zombies don’t whine. Really, ever since Anne Rice’s masterpiece (?) “Interview with the Vampire,” the whiny, emo-vamp has been a staple of literature, theater and cinema. Zombies are too busy thinking about braaaains and where to get their next braaaaaains to get all mopey on us. For that, we salute you, zombies.
3. Zombies splatter when you shoot them. Vampires have to be staked instead of shot, which is all well and fine, but not as cool as an exploding head.
4. Zombies don’t start lame-ass rock bands. Sure, there was that early-rock band The Zombies, but I’m pretty (well, relatively) sure those guys were all humans. Vampires, on the other hand, like to rock. Emo-style.
5. Zombies work together as a team. Now except for the second awesome half of the Quentin Tarantino/Robert Rodriguez collaboration “From Dusk Till Dawn,” you hardly ever see vampires put aside their differences, do a little team-building exercise and get down to the important business of devouring humans. Zombies, on the other hands, are all about teamwork.
6. Zombies, like the boy next door your mom wants you to date, aren’t complicated. A zombie won’t try to seduce you or set you against your friends. No, a zombie is simple in his desires and won’t stop until he’s gotten them. Also, he won’t stop until after he’s gotten them, because braaaaains are just that delicious.
7. Zombies are easier to dress as for Halloween. Sure, you think it’s easy to be Count Dracula, just throw on a cape and some fangs and you’re good to go, right? Wrong, wonder bread. You’ve got to wear those fangs all night or you’re just another weirdo in a cape. The lisping is horrendous! The drooling! Also, if you’re wearing your favorite football jersey under that cape, all the other vampires are going to laugh at you. Zombie? Just slap on some fake blood, tear your shirt a bit and make sure your main topic of conversation is braaaaains and you’re good to go.
8. Zombies, like you, enjoy the benefits of sunlight. Not like those damn vampires, who either burst into flames in the light of day or — worse — sparkle.
9. Zombies don’t need permission to get into your house. They do, however, need to re-master basic human behaviors, such as doorknob-turning skills. On the bright side, they can walk through glass windows without complaint.
10. Zombies improved Pride and Prejudice. No vampire could say that about the works of Jane Austen.