I don’t wanna see Hit and Run.
It’s for a very stupid reason, one that is so stupid I’m almost embarrassed to admit it. But then I think, hey, if I cared about looking stupid, would I style my hair like this?
Anyway, the stupid, illogical reason that I don’t wanna see Hit and Run is because I don’t think Guy From Parenthood is good enough for Veronica Mars.
What makes this reasoning especially stupid and illogical is I don’t know anything about the actor himself. Not his name, not his personality, not what color his eyes are.
All I know about him is that in the brief previews I’ve seen for Parenthood, his character looks like a big, dumb wanker, and I don’t want that associating with Veronica Mars, the best fictional female detective ever! (Except for Miss Marple. Ooooh, new fictional character battle?)
So I’m sure (OK, make that not quite sure, but possibly a bit positive) that Hit and Run is sheer comedy genius (I mean, jeez, that’s what the trailers are telling me!), but it doesn’t matter because Guy From Parenthood shouldn’t be dating Veronica Mars.
I can only assume that is why Hollywood put Cher (!!!!!) and Veronica Mars (!!!!) in the same (!!!!) movie(!!!!)!!!!
Oh, yeah, and Christina Aguilera is in it too.
So Burlesque looks like one of those Hollywood musicals that have enjoyed a bit of a resurgence lately, or else Showgirls with less nudity. The trailer‘s only two and a half minutes long. It’s hard to tell.
But what I can tell is that:
Cher does not actually melt under all that lighting like you kind of expect she would do.
Stanley Tucci is in the movie for some reason, possibly because some Hollywood producer said, “We can’t make a movie and call it Burlesque and NOT put Stanley Tucci in it,” and then snorted some cocaine, I don’t know.
Christina Aguilera seems to be acting her little heart out, which goes about as well as you would expect, but it’s nice to see her trying. (Actually, she’s not as terrible as some singers who attempt acting, and I just *heart* all her little wigs.)
Veronica Mars currently has yet to find a career trajectory that is consistent and awesome.
There’s a lot of shimmying and sparkly costumes.
There’s some kind of romance storyline shoehorned in there, but who cares because of the aforementioned shimmying.
And … that is all. Really, this movie looks like a big fluffy ball of fluffiness, and it has Cher and Veronica Mars, so I can’t hate it on principle. But I can forget it exists, and I assure you that I will do that as soon as this post is finished.
So for me, the best thing about Veronica Mars was Jason Dohring. I’ve got nothing against Kristen Bell, and, indeed, nurture a tremendous girl-crush on her, but Jason Dohring was my boy.
Well, you know, until Season 3, when I completely and utterly gave up on the show.
(I’m sorry, but Season 2 convinced me I shouldn’t have signed that petition to not cancel Veronica Mars. The first season was a thing of beauty, and it just went downhill from there.) (I’m trying to be nice, here. I used to love that show.)
I heard he was in Moonlight a couple of years ago, which apparently starred the actor currently known as The White Guy on Hawaii Five-O (to me, anyway), but that got canceled, like, immediately, and then I lost track of him.
So, what has Jason Dohring been up to lately?
Well, according to his IMDB page, he’s been doing guest shots on shows like CSI, where he played Danny Nagano, which makes me think of the Olympics, but probably has nothing to do with them.
Also, he was on a show called Party Down, which I guess I should’ve heard of before now, but I hadn’t. Anyway, it’s connected to Veronica Mars somehow, so of course they made room for Mssr. Dohring!
He’s also been in that awful Tim Roth vehicle, Lie to Me, that I can’t bear to watch no matter how much fondness I have for Tim Roth.
And he’s done some voiceover work for the Kingdom Hearts video games.
His most recent project sounds like a movie, but could be a TV pilot, what do I know, called Searching for Sonny, which includes a murder mystery or something.
So, yeah, my boy Jason’s been keeping busy, earning himself a steady paycheck and all, which is great, but I’d really like him to be on a show I have heard of/give a rat’s ass about.
But as long as he isn’t starving on the streets or *shudder* doing work in theater, I guess I shouldn’t complain.
Some characters are dead when their television series begin. Especially when it is their horrible, brutal murders that propel the plot along. Two such characters are Veronica Mars’s Lilly Kane and Twin Peaks’ Laura Palmer.
So they have that in common, at least.
But which of them was the better murder victim?
Or is that just cruel to ask?
Anyway, on to the battle of dead chicks!
Physicality. Lilly Kane is played by Amanda Seyfried, whom I believe we can all agree is one smoking hot lady. She’s got the looks, she’s got the figure, and if someone would make me a wig of her hair, I would be the happiest girl in the world. Laura Palmer is played by Sheryl Lee, who is nearly 20 years older than Amanda Seyfried, who has the power of youth on her side. But Sheryl Lee still looks pretty damn good, and also, Twin Peaks is, like, two decades old, so she was young then. And gorgeous. Winner? It’s a tie. I can’t choose between these two ladies, and I don’t think anyone should have to.
Whose death was discovered in a more dramatic manner? Lilly Kane’s body was discovered beside her family’s back yard swimming pool, her head having been brutally beaten with a nearby ashtray or some damn thing. On the other hand, Laura Palmer washed up onshore, her body’s discovery leading to one of the greatest lines in television ever: “She’s dead. Wrapped in plastic!” Winner? Laura Palmer’s wrapped in plastic-ness certainly was more mysterious and gave early viewers their first impression of what we were to expect, so she wins. How lucky for her!
Worked the whole good girl/bad girl routine? Lilly Kane was the most popular girl in school, was dating a movie star’s son and was on the cheerleading squad. She was also having an affair with her boyfriend’s dad, and the local gang leader, and had mommy issues. Laura Palmer was the homecoming queen who delivered Meals on Wheels and dated the high school quarterback. She was also a cocaine addict who sexed it up with whoever, including the embodiment of evil who eventually killed her, and local bad boy James “the worst character in Twin Peaks” Hurley. Also, she worked at a strip club. Winner? Neither of them were angels, but Laura Palmer really, really, really had everybody fooled. So she wins.
Better best friend? And not like in a more loyal sort of way, although Donna (Laura’s pal) would lose here, for totally dating her boyfriend once she was dead in a very unloyal display of thinking with her loins. More like in a who’s best friend is more of a badass? Now, we all know that Lilly Kane’s bestest bud, Veronica Mars, was a bit of a wallflower when Lilly was alive, but once that girl was killed, she came into her own, with the whole snarky girl detective working the cute blonde haircut thing. Also, she totally solved Lilly’s murder. Laura’s best friend Donna Hayward attempted to help solve Laura’s murder, but mostly she stole her dead buddy’s stupid biker boyfriend and was played by the excessively thin Lara Flynn Boyle. Winner? Lilly Kane.
Creepiest murderer? Ahem, spoiler alert, as I am about to reveal who both these girls were killed by. Lilly Kane was murdered by her lover, aka movie star and father of her boyfriend, Aaron Echolls, upon discovering she stole some secret sex tapes he had made of the two of them and was either going to blackmail him with them or just sell them to the tabloids. Which he totally deserved, because who makes secret sex tapes of their illicit relationship with a high school student? Laura Palmer was murdered by Bob, the embodiment of evil/her lover, who, it turned out, was at the time possessing her father. Ew. Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew. Winner? Laura Palmer, for which we should pity her profoundly.
Inspired a kick-ass song? As far as I can tell (via a very cursory google search), nobody’s actually written a song about Lilly Kane. There’s this, though. But Laura Palmer inspired You Say Party! We Say Die! to write Laura Palmer’s Prom, which is awesome. Winner? Laura Palmer.
Was on a better show? Oh, man, this is hard. I love Veronica Mars. Wait, let me rephrase that. I love the first season of Veronica Mars. It was quick-paced, well-written and fun to watch, which is everything television should be. I love Twin Peaks. Once again, let’s make that the first season. And Fire Walk With Me. I love Fire Walk With Me. What a great film! Twin Peaks was quirky and weird and creepy and everything you expect from the mind of David Lynch. Winner? It’s a tie, because these two shows are so completely and utterly different, it’s like choosing between Beethoven and The National. You just bloody well can’t.
Went on to have a career in the movies? As much as I hate rom-coms, Amanda Seyfried is certainly making a nice bit of green for herself starring in them. Sheryl Lee has mostly done television work. (And every time I see her in a show, I have to admit that I squee a little and go, “It’s Laura Palmer!”) Winner? Amanda Seyfried, which means Lilly Kane, I guess.
Overall winner? As the original, the first and the best murdered girl whose death sparked a television series, Laura Palmer deservedly takes this one. But I still love you, Lilly. Don’t worry.
Hey! You know what sounds like fun? A battle of teenaged blonde detectives sounds like fun!
In this corner, we have Nancy Drew, the first teen crime-solver known to adolescent girl. She’s “as immaculate and self-possessed as a Miss America on tour. She is as cool as a Mata Hari and as sweet as Betty Crocker,” according to some random character that I never heard of. I’m having trouble reconciling all those different things she’s like, but maybe that’s just me. I’m sure, if anyone can be a Miss American spy/baker, it’s Nancy Frakkin’ Drew. (On a related note, she’s also described as being able to dance like Ginger Rogers and give first aid like the Mayo Brothers, which leads me to believe she actually suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder.)
In the other corner, we have Veronica Mars. On television, she’s portrayed by Kristen Bell.
Let’s get to the battle, here, people!
Physicality. They’re both teenaged blonde detectives. I’m sure, in addition to being composed like a Miss America, Nancy Drew also looks like one, because who wants to read about dumpy teens solving crimes? Fat kids, that’s who. On the other hand, that thing I said earlier: “In the other corner, we have Veronica Mars. On television, she’s portrayed by Kristen Bell.” Winner? I think we can safely say that the girl who launched thousands of nerd fantasies wins. That’s Veronica Mars, for those of you keeping score at home.
Solves her best friend’s murder? So, the first (and best) season of Veronica Mars had a bunch of little mysteries for our titular (hee!) detective to solve, and one mystery that lasted the whole season. (Is an over-arcing mystery the correct phrase for that? It seems wrong.) That mystery was: Who killed Lilly Kane? Lilly Kane was, in addition to being Amanda Seyfried, Veronica Mars’ best friend.
And was her murder solved? Yes! And by Veronica Mars? Yes again! On the other hand, Nancy Drew’s friends never got murdered, even though I’m sure they got kidnapped with some frequency, because you have to have peril in these sorts of books or the kids are going to tune out. Winner? Veronica Mars.
Has a hot boyfriend? Nancy Drew has longtime boyfriend Ned Nickerson at her side and helping solve mysteries or grunting and saying “Me protect you” a lot. I don’t know. What did he contribute to the story? Anyone? Veronica Mars, on the other hand, hooked up with Logan Echolls, who is tall, thin and has a Roman nose, which makes him exactly my type. Winner? Veronica Mars.
Traveled to all sorts of exotic locales to solve mysteries? Veronica Mars was so poor, a plot point in one episode was how she and her father couldn’t afford to fix the water heater, so she kept having to take cold showers. She probably would have showered at school instead, but since a lot of people hated her, that probably would have been unwise. Unless the creators wanted an episode where Kristen Bell has to solve the mystery of the missing clothes while wrapped in a scant towel (I am copywriting this idea even as you read this so don’t even think of stealing it), that is. So she couldn’t really afford to travel to exotic locales, is what I’m saying, but I think she went to Mexico once. Nancy Drew had money coming out her ears or some other orifice. She went to Japan for a mystery, and also Austria and Costa Rica. Winner? Nancy Drew.
Sweeter ride? In most books, Nancy Drew drives a blue convertible. Since these are books for girls, who don’t care about cars or whatever, it’s not really indentified any further than that, which kind of pisses me off. Veronica drove a Chrysler LeBaron and, in that season I stopped watching the show, a Saturn of some sort. That’s pretty specific, but unfortunately, not particularly convertible. Winner? Nancy Drew and her mysterious blue convertible.
Better living best friend? Nancy’s best friends are Bess Marvin and Georgia “George” Fayne, whom I can’t remember anything about except that they thought Nancy was great and sometimes gave her boy advice. Veronica’s best friend is the very excellent Wallace Fennel, who befriends her despite her marked lack of popularity. I hope, in the future, they end up together, because, no matter how hot Logan Echolls is, Wallace was the perfect boy. Winner? Veronica Mars.
Was actually in serious peril at some point in her mystery-solving career? Being that the ladies are stars of their own series that feature their names in the titles, you don’t ever totally fear for their safety. But you feared even less for Nancy Drew, who was never locked in a refrigerator that was set on fire, nor made enemies of drug dealers and hired goons. Winner? Veronica “Danger is my middle name” Mars.
Overall winner? It didn’t even go to a tie this time! I guess that’s just because Veronica Mars is so awesome. I wish I had been Veronica Mars when I was in high school, what with the crime-solving and the snarkiness and the really cute haircut. Veronica Mars for the win.
Dear Veronica Mars,
I know your real name is Kristen Bell. I know that. But I can’t help but always think of you as Veronica Mars, because that was the last good role you ever had.
So anyway, you’re currently starring in When in Rome, a rom-com about a magical fountain! And love! And being a successful New Yorker!
(Because God knows we won’t watch a movie unless it’s about New Yorkers.)
So, from what I grasp of the trailer, the storyline is this: You, Veronica Mars, are a happy young professional. A happy young single professional. Until! You run into your ex, who’s all like “I’m engaged,” and you’re all like “Son of a –” Clever editing, that. Or not, whichever. So anyway, ex is happily engaged and all of a sudden you’re like, “Must Find Love!” and so you steal coins from a fountain in Rome after a godawful amount of footage of you being clumsy at your sister’s wedding and finding the guy of your dreams. Wait…. You steal coins from a fountain in Rome after meeting the guy of your dreams. I don’t follow. I mean, I’ve never been that drunk, and I’ve been pretty godsdamned drunk. But even then, my thought processes go thusly: Oooh, it’s the guy of my dreams! I should try to talk to him! And then sleep with him! You know what I won’t do, though? Especially in my inebriated state? Climb into a godsdamned fountain and steal coins out of it.
I mean, who does that? Are we even supposed to be rooting for you, Veronica Mars?
And then the guys who threw coins into the fountain all fall in love with you, like, really? That’s the magical power of the fountain? How drunk was the screenwriter when they wrote this, because I’ve been really drunk and this is a frakking stupid script.
Anyway, I can’t help but notice that Danny Devito is also slumming in this movie, but you know what? At his age, he deserves an easy paycheck.
But you, Veronica Mars? You need to get a new agent. An agent who will step up and say “No more godawful romantic comedies! Veronica Mars can do better than that!” But your agent will probably call you Kristen Bell, because, after all, that is your name.
So, I know I’m always going on about pretty men, but there’s a whole plethora of awesome television ladies that I consider my best television girlfriends FOREVAH!
Why? Well, because I don’t particularly have any real friends, that’s why.
Anyway, here’s a list. (*sob*)
1. Sarah from Chuck. She’s so pretty. She kicks so much ass. She makes me want to join the CIA and save the world too. Also, she gets to hang out with Chuck and Casey, which would be fun. Not that I’m considering just spending time with her to get their numbers or something.
2. Tricia Helfer from anything she’s been in. (Except Two and a Half Men, because does she really need the paycheck that badly?!) From her awe-inspiring turn as Six on Battlestar Galactica to her guest spot on Burn Notice to that one episode of Chuck she was on, Tricia Helfer is gorgeous, ass-kicking and seems like she would be really fun to take out for margaritas. Please hang out with me, Tricia Helfer! We could be such great friends!
3. Jillian from The Biggest Loser. I’m not a big reality TV show fan, but my mother always sucks me into the Loser drama. Also, Jillian is soooo cool, the way she’s mean to all those fatties! Beat me like you beat the fatties, Jillian! I deserve it!
4. Parker from Leverage. Parker is a pretty blonde thief who is crazy. I would totally pull off a daring daylight heist with her (yes, I am totally all about daring daylight heists at this juncture in time). If she thinks I’d screw it up for her, I would be willing to treat her to some ice cream instead. Call me, Parker!
5. Scully from the X-Files. Petite, redheaded, brave, smart, gorgeous. I had a girl-crush on Scully before the word girl-crush existed. I’m too cowardly to fight monsters, but I would be totally willing to listen to her phone calls bitching about that damn Fox Mulder dragging her into another mess.
6. Chloe from Smallville. Smallville is a mess. A real tragedy of a show. Not because it’s meant to be a tragedy, but because it could be so much more. That said, there’s one thing worth watching it for, and that’s Chloe Sullivan, who recently gave up on journalism because the Smallvile writers hate her. You can do better, Allison Mack! I love you!
7. Crush from American Gladiators. She has the. Coolest. Hair. Love the corset-style costume! Also, she’s called Crush because she can crush you like the grape you are. Squish! That’s you! Squish! Not me, though, ’cause we’re friends.
8. Lisa Cuddy from House. Oh, Cuddy. You put up with House’s shenanigans like such a trooper! Also, you have a great body and you’re beautiful. Can you give me beauty tips? We could talk about Hugh Laurie together. It would be awesome.
9. “Hot Lips” Houlihan. Squee! That’s what I said when my girl Margaret and Hawkeye Pierce kissed for, like, 10 minutes in the last episode of M*A*S*H. It was the culmination of many childhood dreams for me. Margaret, call me. We’ll go out for some beers.
10. Veronica Mars from Veronica Mars. A scrappy little blonde detective who solved her best friend’s murder, all while being socially isolated at school. The episode where she stood up for a bullied girl by snarking at her own bullies made me realize: the writers of this episode either know the coolest teenagers ever or they totally don’t know any teenagers at all. In any case, I was smitten. Too bad she’s already got the best BFF already: Wallace. That’s okay, though. I am willing to take sloppy best friend seconds.
I will obviously not be seeing Couples Retreat this weekend. Veronica Mars and Jason Bateman are awesome, but they’re not that awesome, you know? Also, I know Veronica Mars has a real name, but it’s like President Roslin’s real name: I can’t remember it. I’m pretty sure Jason Bateman is Jason Bateman’s real name, but maybe it’s not. It probably is.
My issues with Couples Retreat — putting aside the combined supra-awesomeness of VM and JB, as they will henceforth be called, unless I forget I’m calling them by their initials — are plentiful and as follows:
Vince Vaughn. I will not ever buy the idea that this guy is supposed to be a heart-throb, or that he’s funny.
Half-naked yoga guy. Ha ha, near-male nudity makes other males uncomfortable! Ha ha, and he’s oblivious to their discomfort!
There’s fish in the floor. Gah, even if I had wanted to watch this movie, just knowing those creepy bastards are underneath the actors’ feet in every scene gives me a serious case of the heebie-jeebies. I’m so happy I got to say heebie-jeebies.
Why don’t they leave? Look, when the couples are told they have to either participate in couple’s therapy or nothing, they could’ve gone home. But they didn’t, because staying is “funnier.” Seriously, it’s like that movie where they are “forced” into doing something, but it’s not really “forcing” at all and they could leave at any time. Those kind of setups just drive me nuts.
Man, I didn’t even recognize Silk Spectre II. Also, until I saw a photo of her, I’d forgotten there was a redhead in the film, that’s just how much of a standout she was.
This film looks so unfunny, I can’t even say anything funny about it. Like, “Retreat from Couples Retreat” or “This movie looks like ass and you shouldn’t go!” or “Stop taking parts for the paychecks, Veronica Mars and Jason Bateman!” That’s not funny; that’s good advice, and you should all take it to heart. Especially you, Veronica Mars and Jason Bateman. Especially you.
Do I not go see Jennifer’s Body or do I not go see Love Happens? It’s. So. Hard. To. Choose.
Of course, it’s not really hard, I was totally joking about that. I’m not seeing both films! Whoo! And I know you want to know why, so let’s get down to business.
Jennifer’s Body. First off, it reminds me off that song by Hole, “Jennifer’s Body” (weird that, eh?), which has the lyrics “found pieces of Jennifer’s body,” and I can’t listen to it anymore (and not just for the reason that Courtney Love is creepy and insane) because I knew a girl named Jennifer who died in a bad car wreck a decade or so back and so every time I hear that line, I think of her death, and so, in a roundabout way, this movie makes me think of this girl who died. (Rest in peace, Jennifer!)
That’s not why I’m not seeing it, though. I’m not seeing it ’cause it looks like crap. We’ve got Amanda Seyfried (a.k.a. Dead Lily from Veronica Mars) playing an outcast kid, which really? I mean, hey, acting!, but she’s a pretty blonde with a great figure.
I don’t care what kind of glasses they put on her, she’s not going to be frumpy. Also, it’s got Megan Fox, who just sucks in all sorts of ways. I mean, really, Megan, whining about being compared to Angelina Jolie? I’m not a fan of Ms. Jolie, but she is one of the biggest movie stars in the world, and you are a talentless hack. Are you too short to be a model? Is that it? Because you should be modeling and not acting, Megan Fox. Also, stop bitching about the director who picked you up and put you on a big fat skyrocket to fame: yes, Michael Bay movies suck, yes, everyone knows that, you don’t have to tell us. (Hee hee, the crew hates you too!) In fact, I feel so bad for Seyfried for having to put up with this chick that I’m avoiding it on general principle. Also, did I mention it looks like crap?
(Although I do have to take my hat off (or I would if I wore a hat, which I don’t, because they’re just not flattering on me) to Diablo Cody, a screenwriter and people actually know her name, which happens to, like, three screenwriters, ever, so: more power to you, girl! I hope someday you make a movie I would want to see!)
That alone is enough to turn me off this film, but then it also has to be a romantic comedy co-starring Jennifer Aniston, and I can’t believe you made a movie with the most things I don’t want to see ever.
Huzzah to you, Hollywood! And don’t try to win over my sensitive side, Hollywood. I haven’t got one. I laugh in the face of your romantic comedies, and not in the way you intended, at the clumsy heroine or the scenes that are so similar to my life, but in a derisive way, like this: HAH!
My suggestion? Zombies.
In fact, zombies in both movies. Huzzah!
(Note: Jennifer’s Body may already have zombies in it, but I can’t be arsed to find out.)