Guys, I know it’s hard out there in the dating world, what with all the ladies dating the vampires and werewolves and what-have-you. And what have you got for mythical creatures? Ha! Mermaids, if you’re lucky.
But the good news is: you have found a girl. She seems nice, doesn’t she? But lately, you’ve noticed, she’s acting a bit … well … mutated.
So perhaps you’re dating a mutant?
Let’s find out.
1. Does your special lady friend have the power to read your mind and also turn her body into diamond-like substance, rendering her almost impossible to harm?
That doesn’t seem fair, you know. Maybe if she wasn’t hogging all the superpowers, there’d be more left for the rest of us.
2. Can she walk through walls?
Not in a ghosty way, more like in a telephase-y kind of way?
3. When you kiss, does she absorb your life energy?
Possibly sending you into a coma, depending on said kiss’s intensity?
4. Can she control the elements of nature?
And does she have a kind of stupid name?
5. Does she sometimes get possessed by something called the Phoenix Force and then try to destroy the universe or something?
Also, did she kill you in the third X-Men movie and you immediately rebounded to Superman’s ex-girlfriend?
6. Do people keep asking you why you’re two- and three-timing your girlfriend, and where did all those hot ladies come from anyway, and what do they see in you?
“Guys, she’s a shapeshifter,” you protest, and they roll their eyes?
7. Does she have a band, sometimes roller-skates, likes disco and pretty lights?
And does she have a ridiculously bad superhero name?
8. Speaking of pretty lights, can she create plasma explosions?
Also, did she later lose her mutant powers and get turned into a vampire and … really? Gods, no wonder I don’t read any X-Men series.
9. Is she scarlet and also a witch?
You could do worse.
10. Does she only have one eye and live in the future?
Stop dating her! She and Phillip J. Fry are meant to be together, dammit!
So, to answer your question: Yes, without a doubt, you are absolutely dating a mutant.
What with all the mutants out there, it’s hard to tell which one you’re dating. It could be anyone, really. But it’s probably Wolverine, because, man, does that guy get around.
But how can you be certain to a passably certain extent?
By checking out this handy-dandy guide, that’s how.
1. Is your boyfriend short and hairy?
But not too short and hairy.
2. Does he sometimes look like Hugh Jackman?
Who doesn’t want to date the Hugh Jackman Wolverine?
3. Does he still carry a torch for his old girlfriend?
Except she wasn’t really his girlfriend because she was engaged to this other guy, and then she died, and then she came back and … it’s complicated, okay?
4. Does he suffer from amnesia?
Not anterograde amnesia though. Just regular old retrograde amnesia?
5. Sometimes, when he’s alone in the bathroom, do you hear a sound like “Snikt”?
“What’s that, honey?” “Nothing! Leave me alone!”
6. Does he have a mutant healing power?
Also, he doesn’t age, like Elijah Snow, except less awesome?
7. How ’bout an adamantium skeleton? Has he got one of those?
“Dammit, I told the airport security already that I’ve emptied everything out of my pockets.”
8. Does he sometimes talk about his old girlfriend, the weather goddess chick?
Wolverine dated Storm, right?
9. When he goes places, like other comic book titles, does it automatically make them sell better?
Everybody loves Wolverine.
10. Last but not least, does he suffer a fatal weakness in battles against Magneto?
Unless it’s one of those times when adamantium is a magical metal that Magneto can’t affect?
Look, I know you think you’re my second choice, and it’s true. I do love Young Magneto more than you. But since my last post featured so many pictures of Michael Fassbender, I felt you deserved the spotlight. Also, the Internet was running out of good pictures of him, so there was that.
But don’t get me wrong: I do love you.
Sure, you’re, like, a decade too young for me, and you’re a ginger, if that’s still an insult, but I still love you.
I mean, Jesus, your voice.
It’s got this, like, crazy husky thing going on. I could seriously listen to you talk for hours, especially if you were talking about that time you used to hang out with Magneto, back when he was young.
Plus, you’re tall, which is a … you know, plus.
Oooh, and you have the superpower of screaming and somehow that makes you fly. That’s pretty cool, albeit probably a bit annoying in practice.
Anyway, you’re welcome to marry me if your mom will let you.
And if she’s not cool with that, maybe we could be pen pals?
Since nobody took me up on my offer to go to X-Men: First Class on their dime, I ended up not seeing it until this weekend. And it was so good, squeeeeee, you know, you already saw it, but wow!
Like, my favorite things were Magneto and the way he totally kept superpowering people to death. Also Magneto and the way he climbed out of water in a black suit and was dripping wet. In addition, Magneto and the way he … did stuff. In conclusion, I want to have Michael Fassbender’s babies now, very much.
Outside of my enduring love for Erik Lensherr and his superpower of being the best mutant ever, I also very much enjoyed Banshee, who was totally adorable and had such a deep voice for such a skinny kid, and Havok, who (if I remember correctly, and I don’t guarantee that I do) is totally Cyclops’s older brother!
I was not so much a fan of the ladies, but I figure Mystique needs some time to grow into her awesomeness and stop saying “Mutant and Proud,” because that is really annoying, thankyouverymuch. I’m not sure what could improve Moira MacTaggert or Angel, but Emma Frost was about what I expected, which is just fine.
But that doesn’t matter, because did I mention that scene where Magneto stabs the Nazi in the hand and then magnetics another Nazi to death, then stabs some other guy with the knife, then magnetics the knife out of him and stabs the Nazi in the hand again and then shoots that guy? Because I meant to mention that scene if I didn’t.
And also the scene where he rips that ship to shreds with the anchor?
Also where he pulls the submarine out of the water?
Plus, thanks to X-Men: First Class, I finally know that Sebastian Shaw has the power of energy absorption, like that guy in Stormwatch. Except that guy was Russian and not Kevin Bacon.
I also learned that Charles Xavier has been a prissy little bitch, but that I don’t mind it as much when it’s coming from Jean-Luc Picard.
In conclusion, I totally will forgive this movie for killing off the guy whose superpower was “adapting to survive” as long as there is a second movie that will explain what happened to all these super-awesome mutants and also has more scenes of Michael Fassbender doing situps or something.
I know, I know. You’d think this would be a battle between Gandalf and that one wizard from the Harry Potter books who looks a lot like him because everybody is always comparing the two. And I suppose it would be, except what is that wizard’s name anyway?
Also: Two Ian McKellans! You can’t go wrong with that.
On to the battle!
Physicality. Gandalf is a wizard in the Lord of the Rings who looks pretty much the way you’d expect a wizard to do, with the bonus of being portrayed by Ian McKellan.
Magneto is a master of magnetism, who, like many a robot before him, hates puny humans. Also, he has the bonus of being portrayed by Ian McKellan. Both these guys look like Ian McKellan, so it’s a tie, right? Not so fast, friend! Magneto was played by that one guy in the prequel, who was hot, but not so hot, apparently, that I can remember his name. Still, he was pretty hot.
More powerful? Magneto, as mentioned previously, is a master of magnetism. Which means blah blah blah science, he is practically all powerful. Also, he can kick Wolverine’s ass a lot, which is funny. Also, he has a cool (?) helmet that blocks Professor X’s mind control.
On the other hand, Gandalf is a powerful wizard. At first he’s a grey wizard, but then, after a battle against a flame monster, he becomes a white wizard somehow. (What? Yes, I didn’t read the books, as a matter of fact, why do you ask?) White wizards are something something magic, so he’s all powerful too. Although he doesn’t have the nifty helmet.
Winner? Gandalf, because magic beats science any day. Well, except in reality, but reality can go to hell.
Has a cooler entourage? It’s not like people (read as: mutants and wizards) as powerful as Magneto and Gandalf really have a lot of friends. No, they have followers. And who follows Magneto? Well, in the first X-Men movie, you’ve got Mystique, Sabretooth and Toad. Bonus points for Toad being played by Ray Park, a god among men.
In the second movie, it’s mostly Mystique, but then Johnny Whatsisname hooks up with them, so that’s cool, I guess. In the third movie, let’s pretend I had a stroke and never saw it.
Gandalf is part of a fellowship, some might say. The fellowship includes some hobbits, an extremely pretty elf with the superpower of arrowing you right in the brains…
…some human guy with a magic sword or something (What? Why, yes, I did kind of zone out during the movies, why do you ask?) and a dwarf. Bonus points for the dwarf being played by Jonathan Rhys Davies, a king among men.
Winner? The guy with all the mutants on his side: Magneto.
Fights a greater evil? Gandalf and his fellowship must face off against the mighty Sauron, who is so evil he manifests as a giant, hideous eye floating in the sky. That’s pretty evil, I guess. On the other hand, Magneto is the great evil that must be defeated in the X-Men movies and comic books. So, uh, winner? Gandalf.
Better costume? Gandalf’s costume is the traditional wizard garb of a flowing cloak and magic staff (or walking cane, I guess. I totally didn’t see the third movie at all). Magneto’s costume is the traditional evil villain garb of smashing black with a dandy cape. Also, he’s got that helmet.
Doesn’t murder any hobbits? You know, for an all-powerful being forced to spend so much time with those annoying little hobbits, Gandalf sure kills way less of them than you would think. The total is none, as far as I can tell, but if he goes on some sort of hobbit-murdering spree in the third movie, I’m sure someone will correct me in the comments. And insult my parentage. Magneto also doesn’t kill any hobbits, but he does kill a bunch of humans, so we’ll give this one to Gandalf. Winner? Gandalf.
Doesn’t have to deal with any hideous little henchmen? Sure, some people might think it’s hideous the way Toad uses his tongue for … well, everything, but those people have forgotten that he’s played by Ray Park and Ray Park wins at everything. Then you’ve got the third X-Men movie, which doesn’t exist. Moving right along, Gandalf has to put up with Gollum, one of the most hideous pieces of CGI ever put to film. Winner? Magneto.
Has better hair? Man, I’ll bet it takes Gandalf hours to comb all the tangles out. Winner? Gandalf.
The tiebreaker: Has a cooler means of transportation? Gandalf rides on a magical white horse, which is cool, because how does he keep that thing from getting dirty? (Magic, right?) On the other hand, Magneto uses the power of magnetism to fly, which I’m sure is totally scientifically possible.
Overall winner? Magneto, but it might have been Gandalf if I cared more about the source material.
Sometimes, it’s nice when a faltering franchise rewards us by putting out a new movie that looks HOLY CRAP COMPLETELY AWESOME.
I mean, did you see the way Michael Fassbender was doing stuff? Things and stuff?
(Seriously, I think you could put Michael Fassbender in a movie extolling the virtues of quilting and wearing traveling pants, and I would be tempted to watch it, because have you seen that man? Such screen presence! Such physical beauty!)
Oooh, oooh, and then there’s Beast and Emma Frost and Charles Xavier and Banshee and some other X-Men that I really can’t remember their names but they look really cool, and I don’t know, maybe it’s ’cause it’s set in the ’60s, but doesn’t this movie seem really classy to you guys too?
And I love how it makes it pretty clear that, yeah, Professor X is a dick, and he knows it and everyone knows it, and it’s OK because he’s totally got superpowers.
Also, the special effects are just gorgeous, and the action sequences, and just everything! I have to see this movie.
Dear James Marsden,
You are so talented and cute and funny, and you make me so sad. Why do you make me so sad?
Let’s look at your resume, shall we?
X-Men: The Last Stand?
I mean, sure, there’s some winners in there, like X-Men and X2 and Enchanted, but then you do a voice part in Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore?
(Why is this post mostly questions?)
James Marsden, what I am saying, sir, is this: Please stop starring in movies like Hop, which is a Russell Brand vehicle for some reason, because someone apparently wants that stringy-haired Brit to be famous. More famous? (Like, Arthur? What the hell is up with that?)
(Why can’t I stop phrasing things in the form of questions today? Am I channeling Alex Trebek?)
To continue, James Marsden, I implore you to be in films that are worthy of 1) your looks; 2) your comedic timing; 3) your looks again; 4) your acting ability; and 5) definitely your looks some more.
I’m trying to think of some good suggestions right now, but nothing is coming to me.
Just not the new Wonder Woman television series, OK?
Thanks for your consideration.
(Oh, and in case you were wondering, I’m not seeing Hop.)
Dear Wolverine (Hugh Jackman version),
I love you.
Well, not really in the romantic sense, or the “got to know him and thought he was really neat” sense. More in the “holy shit, look at those arms!” sense.
So, I guess, Wolverine (Hugh Jackman version), what I’m saying is I lust after you. Especially your arms, because they are amazing. Your arms are like if the best-written poetry in the world was hot. Maybe that simile doesn’t work for you. It probably shouldn’t because it’s completely nonsensical, but everything else I thought of was beyond sacriligeous and I figure, why tempt God more than I already have, you know?
Anyway, Wolverine, I just want you to know I have watched nearly every movie you’ve been in, even the third X-Men movie, because the first two were really good and I didn’t realize that the third would be such a steaming pile. I didn’t watch that prequel, though, despite the trailers showing you murdering the hell out of a helicopter.
It’s not because I don’t love you. It’s just that I don’t love you quite that much, I guess.
Also, like I said before, it’s less love and more lust, so you can see why I didn’t want to submit myself to the pain.
(Although I do think Liev Schreiber is awesome.)
(And helicopter murder is also awesome.)
(Well, not in real life, because there’s probably innocent people in there, but it makes for a cool effect in a movie.)
Also, Wolverine (Hugh Jackman version), thanks to my viewing of three out of four of your films and my scant knowledge of your comic book counterpart, I am aware that every woman you love comes to a bad end.
And I just want you to know that that’s okay. I mean, you read that thing above about me tempting God, right? I’m pretty much guaranteed a bad end as it is, so I might as well go out in style.
(Was that too subtle? I hope it wasn’t too subtle.)
Just think about it, that’s all I’m saying.
Dear Kurt Wagner,
I think I love you.
Of all the X-Men, you annoy me the least. (When a good writer is doing the writing; otherwise, all bets are off.)
There’s just something kind of sexy about a blue-furred German with a prehensile tail who can teleport. Personally, I think it’s the whole “superpowers” thing, which, in my opinion, gives a lot of so-so guys an edge.
(Like your pal Cyclops? Like he could get chicks with his tortured loner bit if he couldn’t also vaporize you with his eyes.)
Plus, the teleportation. I mean, what’s not to love about a demon-esque guy who teleports, leaving behind a puff of sulphuric smoke? Actually, what’s not to love is that whole thing I just said. Really, Kurt, we’ll have to work on the puff of sulphuric smoke thing if we want this relationship to work. Have you considered public transportation?
But don’t worry. I’m hardly a complainer. I mean, you know, now that I have this blog as an outlet for my complaining and …
Fine. I will totally complain about the sulphur smell if you teleport into my kitchen while I’m making dinner, Kurt, and I’m not going to lie. (Anymore.) I mean, if you must teleport to my house, perhaps teleporting to the front step and ringing the doorbell like a non-mutant, non-teleporting, non-prehensile-tailed sort of person is the way to go. I promise my neighbors hardly ever shoot at anything resembling human. (Which you do, kind of, so you should be OK.)
Another thing I like about you is your sense of humor, which I found referred to repeatedly on your fan sites, but haven’t really seen evidence of myself. Perhaps I’m just reading the wrong titles, I don’t know. But I like a man with a sense of humor, because then he will laugh when I say hilarious things, which not everybody does. (It’s their fault, not mine.)
Oh, another thing we need to work on? Your codename. I mean, “Nightcrawler”? Really? You couldn’t pick something, I don’t know, more badass and less worm? Of course, if you insist on keeping the “Night” in your name, we could run into some trouble, because all the good “Nights” have been taken. Night Stalker. Nightwing. Dark (K)night.
Anyway, do some brainstorming on that, Kurt, and get back to me.
What do Karl “Helo” Agathon and Wanda “Scarlet Witch” Maximoff have in common?
Why, more things than you would think, that’s what.
For a little background, Helo is from the reimagined (and awesome!) Battlestar Galactica. The Scarlet Witch is a mutant from X-Men. Additionally, the new Battlestar Galactica is much better than the original. Also, Helo flies some sort of space vehicle. Whee!
Let’s get to battlin’, folks!
Physicality. The Scarlet Witch, according to her Marvel wiki, is an auburn-haired, blue-eyed beauty. OK, they don’t actually use the word “beauty,” but have you ever seen a Marvel artist draw an ugly mutant (when Grant Morrison’s not doing the writing)? Helo, on the other hand, is one of the most attractive men to ever grace the television screen. His arms are all wow, and his face is like oooooh and the rest of him is also very excellent. Winner? Karl “So hot you made Lokifire forget how adjectives work” Agathon.
Fell in love with and married an android? Well, that’s an oddly specific question. What’s the likelihood that one, let alone both these characters would have — What’s that you say? They both married androids? Both of them? Really?
That’s right, folks. Helo married Sharon “not the Boomer one” Valerii, who then became Sharon “Athena” Agathon, which is less confusing than calling her “not the Boomer one.” But still confusing, even though Grace Park did a great job giving all the various Sharons different personalities/mannerisms. Against all odds, their love prevailed. It was beautiful.
The Scarlet Witch, on the other hand, married an android who didn’t even bother to try to look particularly human, the Vision. He’s all metal-ly and … stuff. Ew.
Winner? It’s a resounding tie. (I’m not sure a tie can actually be resounding, but let’s just go with it, ‘kay?)
Went on to have babies with said android? Now this seems even more impossible and … wait, what? They both had offspring somehow? What, was it like magic or something?
Oh, well, yes, in the Scarlet Witch’s case, it was magic. She magically had magical babies through her magical android lovin’.
Actually, in Helo’s case, it was probably a bit magical too, because the writers never really could supply us with a good reason why some Cylon/human pairings resulted in babies and others didn’t other than “the power of love,” which is ridiculous, so magic it is.
The winner? You’d think this would be another tie, but it’s not, because once someone was like, “Hey, Scarlet Witch, isn’t it kind of impossible to have babies with an android?”, said babies ceased to exist (or something), whereas if anyone would have said that to Helo, he’d have been all, “yeah, well look at Hera here.” And then punched them for insulting his wife. Helo wins.
Can alter reality? Hey, you know who can alter reality? The Scarlet Witch can alter reality. She altered reality so hard she thought she had little android babies, which is totally impossible. Also, she uses that power to screw with her enemies, which is totally awesome and something I would also do to my enemies. Winner? The Scarlet Witch.
Has a cooler code name? Helo’s code name is Helo. Wikipedia tells me Helo can refer to helicopters (although mostly it refers to Karl “Helo” Agathon), which is cool. The Scarlet Witch’s code name is Scarlet Witch. Which totally describes the thing that she is. Winner? The Scarlet Witch. I’m not so sure about that whole helicopter thing.
Has better taste in androids? I don’t think anyone reading this blog, or anywhere in the world for that matter, would turn down a night of passion with Grace Park. Have you seen her? She’s gorgeous.
On the other hand, have you seen Vision? He’s not pretty at all.
Fathered the dawn of modern humanity? Wanda Maximoff’s dad Magneto is always going on about how Homo Superior is the future of mankind, but so far, they just seem to squabble amongst themselves and fight crime or commit crimes, so, I’m not sure I take his word on that. On the other hand, Helo and Athena’s daughter Hera was apparently mitochondrial Eve, because, sure, why not, Battlestar Galactica? Also, I probably gave away the winner of this category with the whole “fathered” thing, huh. Winner? Karl “Father of modern humanity is too long a nickname” Agathon.
Flies some sort of space vehicle? Helo flies a raptor. That’s pretty sweet. The Scarlet Witch has probably been to space too, because that’s what all the mutants are doing nowadays. However, we can’t be certain she piloted a space vehicle to travel to space. Why can’t we be certain? Because her Marvel wiki was boring and we stopped reading, that’s why. Winner? Helo.
Overall winner? For the first time in the history of this blog, a Marvel character went up against a television character and came out on the losing end. That, truly, is the power of awesome. For Helo. Because he won. Helo.