Last weekend, Mr. Holmes opened.
But not here. Not in my town.
So I gave it another week, just in case.
AND IT’S STILL NOT HERE!
About the Astronaut Wives Club: I think it’s great that Yvonne Strahovski is getting work, because she’s beautiful and talented and awesome, but why does it have to be a period piece with her hair like that, you know?
With all the to-do about the new Harper Lee novel that I won’t be reading, I’ve been thinking a lot about famous fictional lawyer Atticus Finch. You know who else is a famous fictional lawyer? Daredevil! Also known as Matt Murdock!
Which one of these famous fictional lawyers is all-around better person (ignoring the fact that Atticus Finch turns into a racist in Go Set a Watchman, because I’m pretty sure that book was never meant to be published)? And which one do I just plain old like better, because I’m biased against certain fictional characters?
Let’s find out!
Physicality. Atticus Finch, in To Kill a Mockingbird, is a 50-year-old man who is dignified and wears glasses. Matt Murdock also wears glasses, because he is blind, which is his superpower somehow. Winner? It’s a tie.
Was portrayed in the movies by one of the most attractive men ever to exist? Atticus Finch was portrayed by Gregory Peck.
Matt Murdock was not portrayed by Gregory Peck. Winner? Atticus Finch.
Has adorable little kids that halt a lynching? Atticus Finch is the proud papa of Jem and Scout Finch, whom you should not name your children after, because those are silly nicknames, not their actual names. Jem and Scout prevent a lynching through the power of being adorable kids. I don’t think Matt Murdock has kids. Maybe he does. I don’t know. Whatever. Winner? Atticus Finch.
Is a superhero? Atticus Finch is a southern man in the 1930s who defends a black man convicted of rape. Matt Murdock is Daredevil, a guy whose blindness gave him superpowers. Sometimes, superhero origin stories really strain the limits of belief. Winner? It’s a tie!
Is blind? Atticus Finch has to wear glasses, and he can barely see out of one eye. But he’s not blind. Matt Murdock, on the other hand, is blind, which gives him superpowers. I can’t emphasize enough how silly that is. Winner? Matt Murdock.
Saves more lives? Atticus Finch is a good lawyer, but the 1930s South was pretty racist. His client, Tom Robinson, is convicted of rape and shot to death trying to escape prison. Matt Murdock is a superhero. He saves all sorts of lives, all the time. Winner? Matt Murdock.
Looks better in red? Atticus Finch probably doesn’t even wear red. It was the 1930s, after all, and red wasn’t invented until 1942. Matt Murdock, when in costume as Daredevil, wears head-to-toe red for these two reasons: 1) DareDEVIL; 2) blindness. Winner? Nobody, because nobody looks good in red.
Now we’re tied! It’s probably because I actually have no biases, at all, toward anything, and am a perfect human being.
Probably not. You’re right! It was all so I could have a highly loaded-in-one-character’s-favor tie-breaking question!!!!
Saves his neighborhood from a rabid dog, through the power of having really good aim? Atticus Finch, conveniently enough, totally saves his neighborhood from a rabid dog, through the power of having really good aim. He wins! He’s the winner! Atticus! Atticus!
Overall winner? The guy who was played by Gregory Peck in the movies, obviously, because have you seen Gregory Peck?
My father, on reading that Caitlyn Jenner received the Ashe Award at the ESPYs: “BLAAARGHHHHH.”
My mother, on learning the same news: “I agree with the letter to the editor that said the young men going off to war and getting their legs blown off are just as brave as Caitlyn Jenner.”
Last night, I took my mother to the movie theater to see Some Like it Hot. I’ve seen Some Like it Hot at least a dozen times, but I’d never watched it on the big screen before.
Anyway, it’s one of my favorite movies, and it was totally worth the $5 admission fee. (Although my mother saw some people walk out, which is ridiculous, because how can you walk out on one of the funniest movies ever????)
There were actually a few people in the audience who had never seen it before, which was neat — when Marilyn Monroe makes her first appearance, someone gasped loudly: “There she is!”
And of course, everyone adored the best tango sequence ever…
… and I got, for the first time, the joke with the grapefruit. (Y’see, George Raft plays Spats Colombo, this gangster type, and he just about smooshes a grapefruit into the face of one of his bodyguards/yes men, which is totally a reference to James Cagney’s Public Enemy.)
Then at the end, when everybody was riding off on the boat together to get married (especially Daphne and Osgood) and the classic line was uttered (check out entry number five), everybody clapped.
So there’s going to be two new Ghostbusters movies, which is something, I guess, but why can’t we just be satisfied with the Ghostbusters movie we have (there is only one), and make different funny movies?
Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is, because I’ve been thinking about Ghostbusters (because there’s going to be two new Ghostbusters movies, which we totally don’t need), and I realized that Slimer…
…has a lot in common with Adventure Time’s Lumpy Space Princess.
I’m sure I like one of them better than the other, though, and I’m sure you’re all excited to find out who and why.
On to the battle!
Physicality. Slimer is a lumpy, green, legless glob of ectoplasmic goo. Lumpy Space Princess is a lumpy, purple, legless glob of mystery goo. I like purple. Winner? Lumpy Space Princess.
Has more repulsive eating habits? Slimer is first discovered haunting a hotel, chowing down at a food cart. His manners are atrocious. I mean, food is getting everywhere, he’s making all these awful sounds. It’s disgusting. Lumpy Space Princess (also known as LSP, probably because it’s easier to say and type) ran away from home to become a hobo, living in the woods and sucking baked beans right out of the can and fighting raccoons for pieces of garbage chicken legs. Winner? It’s a tie, you disgusting creatures!
Has better friends? Slimer is a hideous ghost, and no one likes him. LSP is a hideous floating space princess thing, but her best friend is Turtle Princess…
… and sometimes she hangs out with some of the other movers and shakers in the Adventure Time universe. Winner? LSP!
Wreaks more havoc? As a hideous ghost, Slimer haunts a hotel and pukes ectoplasm all over my third-favorite ghostbuster, Peter Venkman. The ghostbusters wreck up the place pretty bad trying to contain him, but that’s more on them than Slimer. Lumpy Space Princess nearly turned Jake the Dog into a Lumpy Space Person, accidentally trapped a romantic interest in a pocket of time, terrified a village of very tiny people and ate all their crops, nearly let the Lich back out into the world and pissed off a bunch of wolves one time. Winner? Lumpy Space Princess.
More easily defeated? Sure, it took the ghostbusters a while to capture Slimer, but to be fair, it was their first ghostbusting job, and they were unfamiliar with the equipment. Lumpy Space Princess, on the other hand, runs rampant throughout the Land of Ooo to this very day. Winner? Slimer.
Overall winner? Lumpy Space Princess, because they’d better not remake Adventure Time. That would be terrible.
Magic Mike XXL, y’all! The XXL is for, I assume, their penises!
(Seriously, if you have a better explanation for why it’s called XXL, let me know.)
(And it’s not because of Roman numerals, because that’s not how they go.)
Anyway, Magic Mike XXL, much like Magic Mike before it, is about guys taking off their clothing and dancing around for money. This is great if you’re into that sort of thing, but I guess I’m not.
I don’t wanna see the new Terminator movie.
For many reasons, number one of which is they spelled “Genesis” like that, you know?
But then it’s like, wait, is that Arnold Schwarzenegger meeting a young Arnold Schwarzenegger? (Finally! We’ve put the technology to good use, because WHAT’S COOLER THAN THAT?!)
Wait, what’s that you say? My favorite living actor J.K. Simmons is in the movie? You’re right! That is cooler than two Schwarzeneggers! That’s way cool! It’s the coolest!
Ugh, it’s almost like I want to see this movie now, but I really, really don’t because it’s, like, what? A prequel? An alt-universe story? And that’s totally not Linda Hamilton, and her hair totally doesn’t look ’80s enough. And John Connor is a Terminator now? Wha? I don’t even under — and, wait, did Arnold Schwarzenegger just say “I’ll be back?”
So I ran into this woman who’s known me since I was in college. She looks at me and says: “You just don’t age!”
Later, I said to my daughter: “Why didn’t I tell her ‘You should see this painting I have hiding in my closet?'”
And then my daughter rolled her eyes.