I hate fish. I hate fish so much. I really hate them!
But a thing I hate worse than fish is seeing living creatures suffer. So, because no one else remembers to do it, I have been feeding the horrible, creepy, awful fish at work. I even found a fish that I disliked less than the rest of them. It was a little albino shark that the others had eaten half its tail off.
“Poor little guy,” I said. “Poor scrappy little guy.”
Yesterday, when I went to feed the fish, I noticed my least-hated fish wasn’t eating with the others. Then I noticed he was bobbing upside down. Then I noticed, a half-hour later, he had completely vanished. Because the other fish had eaten him.
When I told my coworker, he said: “Well, they already knew he was delicious.”
Dear Jareth, the Goblin King,
You are exactly what I always imagined a goblin king would be like. Tall, crazy-eyed and beautiful. You are, in short, my perfect goblin king.
I love you.
If you kidnapped my baby half-brother and said you were going to turn him into a goblin, I’d be all: “OK, sure, fine, but when do we get to the enchanted ball and the dancing?”
If you forced me into a labyrinth with tons of Muppets and swamps of eternal stench, I’d be like: “Look, I’m only going through this labyrinth to get to the castle of Jareth, the Goblin King, because I love him.”
If you wanted to sing me songs about how you’re only doing this for me, I’d be all: “…” because I’d be too busy listening to you sing to talk. Unless some of those damn Muppets started yammering on, and then I’d be like: “Shut up, you! The Goblin King is singing.”
If you wanted me to look like Jennifer Connelly, I’d be all: “Just rub the camera lens with some Vaseline or whatever, and you’ll never be able to tell the difference.”
Anyway, Jareth, the Goblin King, I just want you to know that I love you, and I will always love you, and the world is a colder, darker place without a David Bowie in it.
In this corner, it’s one of my absolute favorite fictional characters.
In the other corner, it’s one of my absolute favorite fictional characters.
OH GOD WHO WILL WIN????
Onward to the battle!
Physicality. Sherlock Holmes isn’t supposed to be handsome, but lately he’s been played by these attractive actors, like Basil Rathbone (lately?) and Benedict Cumberbatch. Han Solo, on the other hand, looks like Harrison Ford. Winner? Han Solo. Because he looks like Harrison Ford.
Better sidekick? Sherlock Holmes’s sidekick is the ever-faithful, ever-ignoring-his-clients Dr. John Watson. Han Solo’s sidekick is Chewbacca the Wookiee, whom Spellchecker hates. Chewie is an 8-foot-tall hair monster who rips off people’s arms when he loses at space chess. He says “Ahrrr” a lot. Winner? Han Solo, because Chewbacca is awesome.
Is an interstellar space pilot? Sherlock Holmes lives in the 19th and early 20th century, where space travel was nothing more than a mad pipe dream. Also, he didn’t even know the earth was round, so he’d probably be just terrible at space piloting anyway. Han Solo, however, is an interstellar space pilot. Winner? Han Solo.
Comes back from certain death? Sherlock Holmes was dead for 10 years after being tossed over the edge of the Reichenbach Falls (spoiler alert: he never fell). He came back. Han Solo? … Not so much. Winner? Sherlock Holmes, because suck it, death.
Doesn’t have a damn wiener son who ruins everything? You know who has a damn wiener son who ruins everything? Leia Organa Skywalker Solo, that’s who. Also, her baby daddy, Han Solo. You know who doesn’t have a damn wiener son who ruins everything? Sherlock Holmes. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Solves more crimes? Han Solo is a smuggler. A smuggler in space! He is definitely not solving any crimes. Committing them, sure. Solving them, not so much. Sherlock Holmes is a genius detective, the likes of which the world has never seen. He solves crimes like *insert cliche here*. He is a crime-solving machine. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Has a cooler love interest? Sherlock Holmes doesn’t like ladies, or love, or anything except John Watson and cocaine and solving crimes. Han Solo fell for the ultra-badass Princess Leia, who is now a badass general. She is the coolest. Winner? Han Solo.
Has a light saber? Haaah, this is a trick question. Luke Skywalker has a light saber. Han Solo just has a laser gun. Winner? Nobody.
Wears a more iconic costume? True story: When I was in college, I dated a guy who idolized Han Solo , and wore cowboy boots and vests for years of his childhood in an effort to match his hero’s unique style of dress. That’s pretty iconic! Also, a really lame anecdote. But Sherlock Holmes has the deerstalker cap and cape! Winner? It’s a tie.
Is winning this fictional character battle? Han Solo, barely.
Is that a surprise? Well, Sherlock Holmes always wins these things. But Han Solo is Han Solo, you know?
So he’s going to come out ahead? … Maybe?
Overall winner? I know this is going to be hard to believe, fellow Holmesians, but … Han Solo. Han Solo is the overall winner. I … think I might cry.
I recently read that there is a cat that looks exactly like Adam Driver.
“That just doesn’t seem possible,” I thought as I began my image search. “How could a cat look exactly like the dude from the new Star Wars movie that spoiler alert and ruined the whole thing for me?”
Q. So, another haunted doll movie, what?
A. I told you guys that Hollywood hates me.
Look, I need to admit something to you, and I know you’re going to be ashamed of me, and I want you to know that I’m ashamed too. Deeply. But the truth is this:
I’ve been watching Supergirl on CBS.
And here’s the thing about watching Supergirl on CBS: The dialogue is just terrible. Just terrible! So unnatural. The plot “twists” are so telegraphed my 12-year-old daughter can see most of them coming. Calista Flockhart has used so much Botox her entire face doesn’t move at all.
The characters act in ridiculous ways, just so they can propel the plot forward.
But. I. Just. Keep. Watching. It.
I can’t stop!
I mean, Supergirl is just so adorable! I want to take the actress home and braid her hair and feed her hand-baked cookies and play charades! She’s just so CUTE.
And the Martian Manhunter is in it, which is awesome, because where else are you going to see the Martian Manhunter?
And Supergirl’s sister is the chick from Taxi Brooklyn, so that’s something.
Anyway, I think I need help.
This weekend, I was discussing the new Star Wars film with one of my IRL friends (hi, Jamin!) and I neglected to mention my belief that Poe Dameron is Princess Leia.
I know, I know — he’s a spaceship pilot and a rogue, so you’d think he’s Han Solo, right? But hear me out!
1) He sends a droid on a mission to save the galaxy
2) He gets captured by the enemy
3) He gets tortured by Darth Vader Lite (TM)
4) He escapes with the help of someone dressed as a stormtrooper
5) He is the prettiest one
So you see? Poe Dameron is Princess Leia.
As you’re aware, I saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens this weekend. Here are my thoughts, other than “It sucks that Wedge, my second-favorite character, wasn’t in it.”
First off, did you see the new hotshot pilot Poe Dameron? And also the evil General Hux? They were, like, soooo handsome, and I didn’t even realize they were both in Ex Machina, which I also saw and didn’t think either of them were all that good-looking in it, so some kudos are deserved either by the makeup artists of Star Wars (for making them so pretty) or the makeup artists of Ex Machina (for making them so not).
Secondly, and horrifyingly, did you notice that the two main characters WERE BOTH BORN IN 1992?! Are they even old enough to drive, let alone fly interstellar spaceships? Also, how freaking old am I?
Thirdly, did anyone else SQUEEEEE when the Millennium Falcon showed up? And then again when Han and Chewie showed up? And then a third time when Princess/General Leia appeared on the screen? And then you didn’t get to squee because Wedge Antilles never showed up, and I think the movie could only have been improved if all the characters went around saying “Where is Wedge?” whenever he wasn’t on screen.
And what was up with cut-rate Darth Vader taking off his mask and showing off his ugly mug all the time? Doesn’t he realize he’s SO MUCH MORE INTIMIDATING with his mask on?
Plus, was anyone else disappointed that they went to the trouble of casting the beautiful Lupita Nyong’o and then had her play a Yoda-esque goggle monster?
Anyway, the action sequences were great, the special effects were good, and there were some funny bits, and then something so damned tragic happened, and I’d say I cried like a little girl, but I brought my daughter to the movie with me and she didn’t cry at all.
So, yes, the new Star Wars was a good movie and I liked it, except for that one part, and I never want to see it again.
I just got back from seeing the new Star Wars movie, and I just want to say how much I appreciate everyone who kept the spoilers from me. I mean, knowing that the worst thing possible happens in advance would have ruined the movie for me.
What the hell? They got everybody else back, but not Denis Lawson?!
Please sign my petition below so J.J. Abrams can know just how unhappy we are.