Batwoman’s ex so stupid? How stupid is she?
I know I haven’t posted in a while! I’ve been busy (BUY MY BOOK! ha ha, just kidding. Please buy my book?) and, as usual from working in the world’s depressingest industry, just not very funny lately.
But I’m here now. To complain about Batwoman’s ex-girlfriend, Sophie.
You were always out of Sophie’s league, Batwoman.
She is just the worst at her job. She’s terrible. She lets the evil villain Alice (who is, by the way, the annoyingest villain ever and I hope they get rid of her after season 1, because I am just here to see Ruby Rose kick ass and hook up with beautiful ladies) have a copy of her Alice in Wonderland book!
Love that coat, though.
“I had it x-rayed *and a bunch of other things,” smugs Sophie. So she knows it’s harmless! But, unless you were only just born, in which case, hi! Welcome to the world!, it is OBVIOUS something bad will happen!
And, of course, something bad happens and the evil villain Alice escapes and murders two people and lets Sophie go to stew over the fact that she is closeted.
Man, Sophie, was your job really worth it when you are so very bad at it?
Then Batwoman comes bopping up and is like, “oh, Sophie, you poor thing, how do you feel?” and Sophie is like, “bad, I guess,” like her incompetence didn’t just get two people totally murdered, and ALSO, Batwoman, SHE REVEALED YOUR SECRET CODE TO YOUR EVIL FRATERNAL TWIN.
Also, I want it to be known for the record that Batwoman’s stepsister Mary is actually Batman, because she plays the role of a dizzy socialite so she can secretly help people! (As a doctor in her secret clinic, but still! BATMAN.)
You should buy my book, even Buzzfeed thinks so!
I know I never update this site! (Hi, faithful readers, whom I have ignored for SUCH A LONG TIME) But I have some really exciting news!
I’m going to have a book! A real actual for real yes it’s true book!
And BUZZFEED thinks you should read it! (They also probably think I should cool it on the exclamation points, but that’s neither here nor there.)
Anyway, you can preorder/order the book here! (It’s about murdered ladies, and isn’t funny, I’m very sorry.)
(PS: The cover art is by the amazing Sarah Shields, isn’t it gorgeous???)
The Flash and suspension of disbelief
Lately, I’ve gotten hooked on The Flash, because apparently I just want to spend my life watching CW superhero shows, why not.
Dude can run really fast? I’m in.
And I will buy just about anything it sells.
You can run fast enough to go back through time? Sure!
Travel through time AND look like Tom Cavanagh? COOL.
Also, let’s just have a Jesse L. Martin appreciation moment, shall we?
People can fuse together and become a superhero who shoots fire? I’m down with that!
You can visit the multiverse! Oh, hell, yes, of course you can!
Through one of these schnazzy glowing portals, even!
But I just cannot believe that anyone — ANYONE — would offer Iris West a job at a newspaper after reading her terrible blog. THAT WOULD NOT HAPPEN THIS SHOW IS SO FAKE.
Seriously, you do not go from inexperienced barista to investigative reporter in two episodes. I DON’T BELIEVE THIS FOR A MOMENT, SHOW.
Cobra Kai whaaaaa?
This is everything I never knew I ever wanted.
You GUYS. A Cobra Kai series? Johnny Lawrence seeking redemption for walking into the Karate Kid’s foot?
PLEASE YES SO MUCH.
“Strike first. Strike hard. No mercy.”
Story of my life, right there.
I love you, Legends of Tomorrow
So on Mondays, instead of Supergirl, the CW has been showing DC’s Legends of Tomorrow. (On a completely unrelated tangent-thingy, how weird is it that it’s THE CW and not just CW?? Wouldn’t it feel weird to say “The NBC” or “The FX”? Yet it feels right to say “The CW. Anyway!)
“The CW: So much prettier than the other stations.”
DC’s Legends of Tomorrow is far superior to Supergirl.
“Seriously, everything on this station is pretty.”
It is funny and the dialogue is a little less on the nose and just LOVE the evil villain, he is the very best thing.
“It’s evil how good I look in this fedora and/or trilby, you mean.”
Also, Brandon Routh’s character (yes, I haven’t bothered to learn the characters’ names, it’s true) is as excited to meet John Noble as I would be.
“I LOVE YOU JOHN NOBLE THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE YOU COULDN’T BE MORE AMAZING.”
Like, you guys, SO excited.
Like, they’re going to fight a time demon, change a timeline and save the universe, and he’s like, “YES BUT I MET JOHN NOBLE.”
“And have I mentioned how distractingly PRETTY we all are?”
Digging too Deeply: Rough Boy
Hi, I’m not dead!
I know, you thought I was dead, but really I was just dealing with personal issues, major surgery and severe depression. It was really fun and I’m glad all this stuff happened at the same time because it means nothing bad will happen in my life, ever again.
Ever again.
Feel free to pity the hell out of me in the comments below.
So to celebrate my return to blogging (probably as intermittently as before, I am so sorry to my faithful readers), I thought I’d talk a little about a band one of my college boyfriends tried to ruin for me.
ZZ Top.
Now those are some sharp-dressed men, amiright?
Good ol’ ZZ Top, with the gimungous beards and the sunglasses and the way they’ve looked exactly the same for, like, four decades. Good ol’ ZZ Top with Velcro Fly, AWESOME.
*makes the drum line sounds with her mouth*
And stupid ol’ college boyfriend, saying, “Oh come ON, literally ALL of their songs are about sex! Every single one has an overt sex reference! It’s RIGHT THERE.”
Well, stupid ol’ college boyfriend, here’s a little somethin’ for you: Rough Boy. It’s an unrequited love song! Where’s the overt sexual reference in that, HUH?
Let’s take a look at it, shall we?
“What in the world’s come all over me?”
…
Dammit.
“It’s the opening lyric, woman, how did you not notice?”
Why did no one tell me about this?
Why did no one tell me there is a Blade of the Immortal movie now????
There is no excuse for this! It’s inexcusable! I can’t believe no one said! *mutters incoherently*
JUST LOOK AT IT!!!!
PERFECTION!!
Supergirl sadness
Last night, my daughter broke with tradition and *sniffle* watched Supergirl at her dad’s house. Naturally, this made me very sad, as it’s “our show.”
Also, it made her dad very sad.
“This show is terrible,” he whispered as he dropped her off.
“Yes, but you’re in love with Melissa Benoist now too, right?”
“Maybe a bit,” he replied.
Another request from my daughter
“Oh, I thought that guy standing on the side of the road was an ostrich,” I said. “Hmmm, now I want to write a story about fighting an ostrich.”
“You don’t have to say every single thing you think of, you know,” my daughter replied.
This ostrich says I should just write that story, though.
Best Belchers from Bob’s Burgers
Here is a list of my favorite Belchers, in order from least favorite to favorite, because I’m sure you care.
5. Coming in fifth is Gene, the least essential Belcher. He likes farts and being annoying (and who doesn’t?), but … yeah. He’s fine. Just … fine.
And I’m sorry, but I’m just not down with lazy musicians. PRACTICE MORE, Gene.
4. Linda. Linda Belcher. I appreciate her enthusiasm, but I’m also deeply annoyed by her enthusiasm.
Although, lately I have been saying “All right” in a Linda voice….
3. Tina. Tina’s cool, I guess. I mean, apparently I AM Tina, so I guess I like her? I love her little tube socks with the skirt look she’s got going, that’s something.
Hmmm. Easy Halloween costume or easi-EST Halloween costume?
2. Oh, you thought Louise would be my number-one pick, didn’t you! Because Louise is wonderful and trickster-y and cute bunny ears-wearing and I want to marry her when she grows up! Yes! She is all those things and more. But…
“Yeah, what? Are you sure? This doesn’t seem right.”
1. Bob Belcher is my dream boy. He is voice by H. Jon Benjamin, he has a hamburger restaurant, that ridiculous mustache and God bless him, he tries so damn hard. I love you always, Bob!
“Here, have a hamburger,” he says dreamily, in H. Jon Benjamin’s voice.
