Great news for silent movies!

May 29, 2015 at 1:43 pm (Things I Want) (, )

I’m so excited that if I wasn’t at work, I’d be literally squeeing myself with joy!

Universal Studios is going to restore FIFTEEN WHOLE SILENT MOVIES! FIFTEEN! That’s way more than you would expect, because who watches silent films anymore except for me? (Well, and my daughter, because I make her.)

The only way I could be happier is if I finally finished my time machine so I could go and meet Buster Keaton.

"Hey, Buster, what's up?" I'd say. And he'd reply: "I don't understand your newfangled slang." And I'd say: "Take me, I'm yours!" And then he'd call the police, and I'd die in a jail cell in the 1920s.

“Hey, Buster, what’s up?” I’d say. And he’d reply: “I don’t understand your newfangled slang.” And I’d say: “Take me, I’m yours!” And then he’d call the police, and I’d die in a jail cell in the 1920s.

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Brightening everyone’s day with unicorn jokes!

May 28, 2015 at 9:49 am (Randomosity) ()

I lied. There’s actually only one unicorn joke that I tell, and I shared it with my boss yesterday:

“How do you catch a unicorn?”

"Well, they like virgins, right? Something to do with virgins."

“Well, they like virgins, right? Something to do with virgins.”

“How?” said my boss, looking worried.

“Unique up on it!”

“Ha ha,” he said.

“Do you get it?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you get it? It’s ’cause they both start with –”

“I get it.”

“– the same three letters.”

“I get it.”

“Uni!”

"Not the University of Northern Idaho, just, you know, uni!"

“Not the University of Northern Idaho, just, you know, uni!”

“Yeah, I got it the first time.”

“Yeah, ’cause they start with the same three letters.”

Later that same day, I shared the joke with my daughter, and this was basically her reaction.

Later that same day, I shared the joke with my daughter, and this was basically her reaction.

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Hey, hey, cheerleaders are A-OK

May 22, 2015 at 9:35 am (Randomosity)

My daughter loves music. She plays the piano and the flute, and she sings. She sings all the time. She loves to sing.

My mother said to me the other day that my daughter would probably do choir in high school and that I “shouldn’t encourage her to be a cheerleader, because it will ruin her voice.”

Which explains every terrible American Idol audition, probably.

Which explains every terrible American Idol audition, probably.

After a few moments of silence as we stared at each other, my mother finally said: “Wait, right, who am I talking to?”

Not this gal, that's for sure.

Not this gal, that’s for sure.

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Why did I think the Babadook was just OK?

May 19, 2015 at 9:48 am (Randomosity) ()

Welcome to Hollywood Hates Me, the home of movie reviews that are way too late for anyone to care!

Recently, I finally watched The Babadook. I’d heard that 1) it was terrifying; and 2) the little kid was super-annoying. Both of those things were wrong.

Insert caption here.

Also, I was pronouncing Babadook wrong.

I’m an easily scared person. I’m scared of tons of things. But I’m not scared of the Babadook. And that little boy was freaking adorable. It’s not his fault he’s weird. It’s his mother’s fault for not loving him and not wanting to admit it so her little guy can get some help.

"All right, honey, we'll just eat dinner at our creepy table in our creepy kitchen in our creepy house, and not speak to each other at all."

“All right, honey, we’ll just eat dinner at our creepy table in our creepy kitchen in our creepy house, and not speak to each other at all.”

Pretty early on in the movie, we learn that Daddy died trying to drive Mommy to the hospital so Baby could be born. And it’s pretty clear that Mommy still blames Baby for his father’s death. It’s not rational, of course, and she seems to realize it, but the big problem is that she’s only faking being a good mother. She doesn’t really love her child; she just doesn’t want people to think badly of her. (And as the movie wears on, she stops worrying about even that.)

Samuel, the little boy, is an adorable, weird little kid.

An adorable, weird little kid who is READY TO DO BATTLE WITH MONSTERS.

An adorable, weird little kid who is READY TO DO BATTLE WITH MONSTERS.

He builds weapons to fight monsters so he can protect his mother. He knows she doesn’t love him, but he won’t admit it. And she’s the only person in the world (except for their awesome neighbor with Parkinson’s) who shows him anything resembling affection. Samuel is a sweet little kid who has to endure a lot of shit — getting kicked out of school; going to his horrible, HORRIBLE cousin’s birthday party (she accosts him and declares that nobody loves him, and that his dad hated him so much he died rather than have to spend time with him); getting in trouble for shoving his awful, AWFUL cousin out of a tree house, which she totally deserved, because she is the worst little girl ever; and then his mother gets possessed by an evil spirit and tries to murder him. Also, his only friend, the adorable white doggy, gets absolutely murdered, and it is so damn sad.

Parenting Tip #1: If an obviously haunted book shows up on your kid's bookshelf, don't read it.

Parenting Tip #1: If an obviously haunted book shows up on your kid’s bookshelf, don’t read it.

The actress playing the mother is brilliant, but it’s hard to feel much sympathy for a woman who refuses to get help for her son. Sure, by the time the movie’s roaring along, it’s because she’s possessed by the Babadook, but the kid is nearly 7 years old, and has clearly been suffering for a long, long time. Why didn’t she try to get help for him earlier? Why are they still living in that horrible house? I get that she’s still mourning her husband, but maybe she needs to step back and say, “You know, this is probably messing up my life and my kid’s life, and our adorable dog’s life that I will probably end later on in the film.”

"It's in the book, even."

“It’s in the book, even.”

Anyway, things really go to hell when the Babadook shows up, and the dog gets murdered, and Samuel stabs his mother in the leg, and they end up (SPOILER ALERT) hosting an evil entity in the basement and feeding it worms. I’m not sure why they do that.

Although I did learn that Babadooks like worms.

Although I did learn that Babadooks like worms.

There’s a few genuine scares here and there, and a unsettling feeling of dread the whole movie through, and I probably would have liked it better if I’d had more sympathy for the mother, but I thought she was a jerk, so there you go.

And you've got to admit, she looks like the kind of person who would kill her kid without even needing to be possessed by an evil spirit.

And you’ve got to admit, she looks like the kind of person who would kill her kid without even needing to be possessed by an evil spirit.

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There’s a fourth Mad Max movie

May 15, 2015 at 10:35 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , )

I wasn’t going to go see Mad Max: Fury Road this weekend. Not because it doesn’t look good, because it does, what with Charlize Theron slowly but surely turning into a badass action hero and all.

So. Bad. Ass.

So. Bad. Ass.

And not because I’m a raving misogynist like this guy, who thinks the word “feminist” is an insult, and also that women are icky.

Carlito here has to be joking, right?

Carlito here has to be joking, right?

No, the reason I wasn’t going to go see Mad Max: Fury Road this weekend is because I never go to the movies, because going to the movies is hard. They’re crowded and far away and there’s always some jerk on the cell phone and some kid throwing popcorn in my hair, and if you’re late, you end up sitting too close to the screen, and if you’re early, some creep sits right next to you and smells funny. Also, my attention span just keeps getting shorter and shorter.

I like squirrels.

I like squirrels.

But now I have to go, somehow, just to piss of the misogynists.

Also, because it will be nice to have a Mad Max who’s not a crazy anti-Semite.

I mean, as far as we know, currently.

I mean, as far as we know, currently.

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Did somebody put out a burn notice on Jeffrey Donovan?

May 13, 2015 at 10:24 am (Whatever happened to ...?) (, , , , , , , , )

Ha, but seriously, folks: Now hiring Headline Writer.

Include your headshot with application.

Include your headshot with application.

Moving right along, Jeffrey Donovan, the former star of Burn Notice, seems to have disappeared right off the face of the earth. Why? Did he anger some dangerous people? Become disfigured in an explosion? Get typecast by people who have trouble telling the actor apart from the spy character he played (like who would do that, right)?

He always dresses like this, right?

He always dresses like this, right?

The answer is: I don’t know! But let me tell you some things I do know about Jeffrey Donovan, other than Michael Westen is my perfect boy.

For, you know, obvious reasons.

For, you know, obvious reasons.

Jeffrey T. Donovan was born in 1968 in Amesbury, Massachusetts, which is a town neither I nor Spellchecker have ever heard of before. He grew up to be an even 6 feet tall, which is pretty good, and married a beautiful model (yes, I know “beautiful model” is redundant), and has a daughter. Also, he was poor as a kid, and knows, like, 500 different kinds of martial arts. Or three. Probably just three. That’s still a lot.

Ahem. THOSE ARMS.

Ahem. THOSE ARMS.

Donovan did some acting in high school, earning an acting award at Amesbury High, a place I am having trouble believing exists, and moved on to the big time with a role in Throwing Down, an independent film from 1995. That led to, awesomely, a role on an episode of Homicide, wherein he played twins with Southern accents, and one was a vicious killer and the police arrested the wrong one because nobody knew they were twins! It was not the best episode of Homicide (I think that honor probably goes to Three Men and Adena), but it was all right.

Also, Kyle Secor and Andre Braugher are wonderful.

Also, Kyle Secor and Andre Braugher are wonderful.

Then he did a bunch more acting, like in Sleepers, which I think was a movie I actually saw one time; and Millennium, that TV show that was too scary for me to watch; and Catherine’s Grove, which I’m including for the first sentence of its description: “Undercover cop Doyle is working on a serial killer case that’s left a trail of dead transvestites.”

Jeffrey Donovan does NOT look good as a blonde.

Jeffrey Donovan does NOT look good as a blonde.

After that, he was in a few episodes of The Pretender, which I really should remember by now existed; Spin City; The Blair Witch sequel, after which he hopefully got a new agent; Witchblade, which did anyone know that was made into a TV series in 2002?; and then it was on to a starring role in Touching Evil.

“What didn’t kill him made him stranger” is like my life, if you switch out a couple of pronouns.

Here’s a description of Touching Evil, which sounds almost as good as Catherine’s Grove: “In spite of his inability to abide by common sense and the laws he’s sworn to uphold, he, with the help of his partner, work together to hunt down the most wicked and vicious criminals on the streets.” Then he was in Hitch with Will Smith, which is too bad; then CSI: Miami and original flavor Law & Order; and then an episode of Monk, which, if I recall correctly, is the one where he played an evil astronaut.

Ooh, look at the good memory on me!

Ooh, look at the good memory on me!

In 2007, he was in Crossing Jordan for a while, which I don’t remember at all, despite it being the show I would end up watching when I was too tired and depressed to leave the couch, and too poor for basic cable.

Those were dark days, you guys. Dark days.

Those were dark days, you guys. Dark days.

After that, it was some other stuff, but I’m tired of listing those things, so Burn Notice! He totally got to hang out with Bruce Campbell, like, all the time, so I’m sure it was his best gig ever and now he wakes up every day and is unhappy because he and Bruce don’t hang anymore.

“Don’t be sad. We can be, like, Twitter buddies or something.”

(Oh, and in 2011, he played Robert Kennedy in a movie called J. Edgar.) After Burn Notice wrapped up in 2013 — and might I say: 2013??? What? I thought it ended in 2011 or so — there’s a great big gaping hole in his resume filled with, I would assume, husbanding and fathering. OR TRYING TO RESTORE HIS GOOD NAME AFTER BEING BURNED BY THE GOVERNMENT.

OK, so maybe I have a little trouble telling fiction from reality.

OK, so maybe I have a little trouble telling fiction from reality.

Anyway, it looks like he shows up in an episode of Fargo this spring, and then he’s in Extinction, for which I shall copy-paste yet another description: “Nine years after an infection turns most of the humanity into rabid creatures, Patrick, Jack and Lu, a nine-year-old girl, survive in seeming peace and calm in the forgotten snow-covered town of Harmony”; and lastly, Sicario, which stars Emily Blunt and Josh Broling, so I don’t know what that’s all about.

Although I should probably watch Fargo, since Watson's in it and I enjoyed the movie and all.

Although I should probably watch Fargo, since Watson’s in it and I enjoyed the movie and all.

Also, he apparently really likes the outdoors and doesn’t watch much television, so I guess we wouldn’t be friends or anything. Unless he’s willing to give it all up for a more sedentary lifestyle, but I would bet probably not.

But if he's up for that, maybe he wouldn't mind me tousling his hair some?

But if he’s up for that, maybe he wouldn’t mind me tousling his hair some?

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An almost true story of Star Wars Day

May 7, 2015 at 9:13 am (Randomosity) (, )

Having finally remembered that Star Wars day is totally a thing now, I greeted my coworkers, family and friends on Monday with “Happy Star Wars Day!”

"And many happy returns!"

“And many happy returns!”

Most of them looked confused. My mother asked if it was the anniversary of when the movies came out.

But the guy from the national cemetery, who had arms like whoa and looked a little bit like Dr. Dave from ER replied:

“May the Fourth be with you!”

“I love you,” I declared.

"When we get married, do you want to dress as Han, or should I?"

“When we get married, do you want to dress as Han, or should I?”

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People say stupid things sometimes

May 5, 2015 at 9:31 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) ()

So the six cops in Baltimore were charged in Freddie Gray’s death, which THANK YOU VERY MUCH JUSTICE AT WORK, but here’s what one former detective/FBI agent had to say:

“The biggest danger is that the police officer will not properly perform his duties. It puts him at risk, it puts the other officers around him at risk, and it puts the public at risk. A police officer must react instinctively as he has been trained. If a police officer first thinks about what liabilities he will be facing, it’s too late.”

Which is funny, because it seems to me like NOT MURDERING DEFENSELESS PEOPLE IN YOUR CUSTODY should be a very important part of anyone’s job, especially police. So maybe worrying about liabilities for KILLING HANDCUFFED PRISONERS is a good thing???

"Back in my day, we shot first and asked questions later. That day was yesterday."

“Back in my day, we shot first and asked questions later. That day was yesterday.”

 

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Why do I like iZombie (the TV series)?

April 30, 2015 at 9:45 am (Randomosity) (, , , , , )

The truth is, I didn’t really like iZombie (the comic book). There wasn’t anything wrong with it; I’m just not that into ghosts and werewolves and all that jazz.

Jazz hands!

Jazz hands!

And when I found out they were making it into a TV show, my immediate reaction was: Meh.

Yes, even with art by the incomparable Mike Allred.

Yes, even with art by the incomparable Mike Allred.

But then I found out that the Veronica Mars guy was working on it, and I was all like Veronica Mars? I loved the first season of that show! Plus, it turned out they were getting rid of all the ghosts and werewolves and jazz, and keeping it way more based in reality with, you know, zombies, and so I was like: Meh?

What if Veronica Mars, but with zombies? (is how I imagine the pitch for this show going)

What if Veronica Mars, but with zombies? (is how I imagine the pitch for this show going)

So it turns out: iZombie (despite, oh dear God that name) is pretty good! Rose McIver is zombie Olivia “Liv” Moore, which is silly, but not as silly as her former fiance, Major Lilywhite.

He's, basically, Duncan from Veronica Mars if Duncan was whiter.

He’s, basically, Duncan from Veronica Mars if Duncan was whiter. And had a dumb name.

Anyway, Liv gets turned into a zombie at a party and goes from overachieving medical intern to underachieving zombie morgue girl (so she has access to brains, of course), and she solves crimes with the help of 1) her medical examiner boss, who is just so wonderful and I wish our medical examiner was as awesome as he is; 2) a detective who believes Liv’s a psychic; and 3) the psychic flashes she gets from eating people’s brains.

Yup.

Yup.

(Don’t ask. It makes sense in context.)

(It does! Really!)

(No, really.)

Then there’s an evil zombie, and a cute musician zombie who is actually less cute than the evil zombie, but who doesn’t like bad boys, right?…

"Oh, if only I could tame him." -- Lisa Simpson

“Oh, if only I could tame him.” — Lisa Simpson

…and there’s the secretly-a-zombie police chief, and the zombie rich lady who’s totally dead for realsies now, and the zombie chef lady at the meat restaurant, and seriously is Seattle entirely zombies now?

Probably?

Probably?

(My friends who live in the area, let me know! Is there some sort of zombie apocalypse hitting town?)

So it’s actually a better show than I was expecting, and I’m really liking it, and in the most recent episode they played one of my favorite songs, which is called, of course, Zombies, and also it ended with a zombie rat.

Also, Rose McIver is way prettier in the pasty makeup than anyone has a right to be.

Also, Rose McIver is way prettier in the pasty makeup than anyone has a right to be.

Basically, iZombie is the best zombie show ever.

Now to sit back and wait for the hate to roll in.

Now to sit back and wait for the hate to roll in.

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The last volume of Blade of the Immortal (a spoiler-free review)

April 21, 2015 at 9:21 am (Randomosity) (, , )

So, wow! That last volume of Blade of the Immortal, huh? I can’t believe that (redacted) (redacted) and that (redacted) was (redacted)!

And these two guys definitely fought, for sure.

And these two guys definitely fought, for sure.

And then I (redacted) a bit at the end when (redacted) left (redacted) and they never (redacted)!! How could they not have (redacted)?

Well, at least Rin finally (redacted) her parents by (redacted).

Well, at least Rin finally (redacted) her parents by (redacted).

Anyway, I hope you’ve enjoyed this (redacted) review.

What do you mean "Kill this she-devil"? This review was perfectly (redacted)!

What do you mean “Kill this she-devil”? This review was perfectly (redacted)!

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