Because screwing up Holmes in Elementary (which is probably a perfectly fine show, but I’d like it better if it was called The Adventures of Sickboy and Lucy Liu, because that is not Sherlock Holmes) wasn’t enough, CBS has now decided to
youthen youngen de-age (none of these things are words, because the dictionary agrees that THIS SHOULDN’T HAPPEN) Miss Marple so that they can have a young Miss Marple show, godDAMN, CBS, what is wrong with you????
I know you’ve probably been worried because I haven’t mentioned Say Hi in a while. You probably thought they’d been replaced by Beirut in my heart.
Well, the truth is, I didn’t like the last album very much, so I didn’t have anything to say about it. But Eric Elbogen has returned to his roots with an all-new vampire-themed album, Bleeder’s Digest, which probably isn’t the best album title ever, but is a pretty decent pun, I think.
Anyway, my favorite song on it so far is Teeth Only for You, which manages to be silly and super-romantic, all at once.
So I’m happy you’re back, Say Hi! I promise I won’t stop loving you, unlike all those other things I said I’d always love, but then I didn’t.
My father: He got those guns legally, you know.
Me: And if we had stricter gun control, maybe he wouldn’t have been able to get them.
My father: Yeah, it’s a tough deal. I don’t know what we could do to make it better.
Me: Maybe stricter gun control?
My father: And I don’t know why we have so much trouble with mass shootings compared to other civilized countries.
Me: Uh, I think it’s because of their stricter gun control laws.
My father: Yup, it’s just a problem that can’t be solved.
It’s been a long time since I’ve done a big ol’ post like this, and I apologize. You guys deserve better. We all deserve better. Especially since we’re probably dating evil aliens, and we don’t even know for sure which ones.
Well I can tell you, through the power of making a list! The excitement of a list! Who’s with me? Here’s a list of aliens you could be dating, were you to be dating an evil alien!
1. Alien. The best way to tell if you’re dating the Alien from Alien is if she bleeds acid and eats everyone except Ripley.
But is she so bad? She bleeds acid, eats everyone except Ripley, and lays eggs in your face.
2. The Thing. It would be hard to know if you’re dating The Thing from John Carpenter’s The Thing, because The Thing is a shapeshifter and, thus, could look like anybody.
But how evil is The Thing? The Thing murders innocent little doggies and wants to take over the planet.
3. Alf. If you never watched a sitcom in the 1980s, you wouldn’t know if you’re dating this Alien Life Form (see? clever!) or not. Alias Gordon Schumway, which I don’t remember how to spell, Alf is a hairy little bastard who boards with the whitest family ever and likes to eat cats.
Is he really evil, though? It depends on your stance on housecats, I suppose.
4. Superman. Superman is an alien from the planet Krypton who’s just like a human, except he’s super.
But he’s a good guy, isn’t he? Eh, if you look at some of the stuff he got up to in the ’50s, it’s hard to be sure.
5. J’onn J’onzz. This guy is a Martian who probably pals around with Superman from time to time.
I thought he was a good guy too. He probably is, but I now realize going into this list with a meager grasp on sci-fi was a terrible, terrible idea.
6. A Skrull. Skrulls are aliens in the Marvel universe. They also can, I think, shapeshift. Seriously, I should’ve thought this through harder.
Skrulls are pretty bad, right? I think so? Usually they’re bad guys, maybe?
7. E.T. This Extra Terrestrial (see? Clever again!) looks like a wrinkled, monster turnip, and loves Reece’s Pieces.
But he’s totally not evil, though. It’s sweet that you’re so trusting.
8. Spock. Good news! I just remembered that Mr. Spock exists, and he’s an alien! You can tell it’s him if he resembles the late Leonard Nimoy (or, I suppose, Sylar from Heroes), and he’s got pointy ears and is very logical.
Now, Spock’s definitely not evil. Only when it’s logical, baby. Only when it’s logical.
9. Chewbacca. The funny thing about Chewbacca is that my spellchecker really thinks I’m trying to write “backache.” With this most famous of the Wookiees, you can tell you’re dating him if he’s seven feet tall and really hairy. It’s either him, or a tall dude with a hair growth issue, I guess.
But is he evil? Just let him win at space chess, and you shouldn’t have any problems.
10. An illegal immigrant. If your significant other is here to steal our jobs, rape our women and other things Donald Trump might say, you’re dating an illegal alien.
All that work for an immigration joke? So it turns out I’m the real evil.
One Million Moms doesn’t like the new Muppets show, but who can blame them because it’s hard when your old favorites change, and are new and different and sexy.
In their press release on their own site (which I’m not linking to, so go suck, One Million Moms), they ask:
How many parents want to explain the punchline of sexually charged jokes to young children?
And I thought, “Well, at least one, because it would be embarrassing for my daughter if she’s the only one on the playground who doesn’t get the sex jokes.”
Which is why, when we watch Archer together, I make sure to explain all the sex jokes for her.
“She’s sure no Marilyn Monroe,” I said.
“Well, she’s alive and Marilyn Monroe is dead,” said my mother.
“THAT IS ONE OF THE MANY DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THEM, YES,” I replied.
Because I thought Martin Luther King Jr. was a man who believed in equal rights, and not someone who believed in discrimination against others.
But it turns out I was wrong, according to the lawyer for that awful Kentucky clerk who won’t issue marriage licenses to gay couples. Because she’s going to jail for BREAKING THE LAW by being a disgusting, discriminatory bigot, her lawyer says she’s JUST LIKE Martin Luther King Jr.
So that’s good to know, and I’ll be sure to tell my friends that MLK Jr. was an asshole.
Last week, I didn’t go see No Escape, because it looked like a dumb movie about white people trying to flee a foreign country, where THANK GOD, no one of any importance was being killed, just a bunch of foreigners, am I right, jingoism for the win, WHOOO.
This week, I’m not seeing The Transporter Refueled, which doesn’t even have John Cena (going by Jason Statham, for some reason) in it anymore.
I mean, at least the Mission Impossible series has the decency to keep casting Tom Cruise in ’em, instead of replacing him with some dude who looks just like him.
Also, I guess I’m just not that big into car chase movies where the ladies all throw themselves at the car driver movie, but he’s all stoic and blah blah blah, and in the end he saves the day, whatever.
Lately, I’ve had a very bad cold, so my nasal passages are all clogged.
My mother says to me, upon reading it in the paper: “On this date in 1868, the city of Eedo was renamed Tokyo.”
“Edo,” I corrected her.
“Oh, I didn’t realize you already knew that,” said my mother.
“No, Edo! Edohhhhh!”
“All right, all right, I get it, you know.”
So, Johnny Depp’s new movie, right? Check out that makeup job!