On horses and giants and fitting names
My daughter is obsessed with the new Legend of Zelda. And she loves going on side quests, like taming a giant horse. And then she gets to name the giant horse. AND THEN SHE DOESN’T NAME IT FEZZIK, which is what all giant things should be named all the time, forever.
“What’s wrong with Fezzik?”
“Neigh! I’m a giant horse and I should be named Fezzik. Neigh!”
I didn’t see The Mummy last weekend
I actually kind of like the Brendan Fraser Mummy. It’s cute and fluffy and Brendan Fraser is adorable in his little suspenders.
Hi, cutie-pie!
But I don’t understand why we’re doing a Tom Cruise Mummy. Or why we’re trying to make Tom Cruise Ancient Action Star a thing. He’s old enough to be my grandfather!
“I am so very old and so very tired.”
(Editor’s note: This is a lie. Tom Cruise is not old enough to be the blogger’s grandfather. The blogger is a dirty liar, and you kids had better get off her lawn.)
So the Tom Cruise Mummy looks like it’s basically a lady Mummy because take that, sexism, apparently! And Really Old Tom Cruise running around with Girl Young Enough To REALLY Be His Granddaughter who is probably the love interest because that’s just how Hollywood rolls.
Take that, sexism?
So WHY BOTHER?
“Because sexy lady wrapped in bandages, duh.” — Hollywood
No, really, I hate country music
Lady: So, are you going to the Garth Brooks concert?
Me: No, I really hate country music.
Lady: But it’s Garth Brooks!
Me: Right. Garth Brooks, the country musician?
Hey, look, it’s not that he’s not good at what he does, it’s that what he does is the most annoying form of music.
Google on haircuts
So it’s been over a year since my terrible, bad, made-me-cry haircut and my hair is growing out and it looks really stupid.
So I googled “best short haircuts for wavy mixed-race hair.”
These haircuts …
… are neither …
.. short …
… nor wavy.
FOR GOODNESS’ SAKE, GOOGLE.
Eh, maybe this’ll work.
Hey, look, it’s a new post!
Hey, blog, hey!
Hey, Girl!
So you probably thought I’d given up on you, but I haven’t! I mean, I didn’t on purpose or anything. It’s just … the world’s been kind of shit lately, and I haven’t been able to be funny at all.
But last night that all changed.
Because I found my BEST SHOW EVER.
It is called Still Star-Crossed (Still Star-Crossed!!! What a name! I love you so much, show!), and it is about Romeo and Juliet, except after Romeo and Juliet are already dead, so I guess I could’ve just said “It’s about the Capulets and the Montagues,” but … Eh.
It’s my first Shondaland show! (That I liked.)
I missed the first episode apparently, which makes me sad, because I’m sure it was awesome, but the second episode was SO GOOD. There’s a prince who’s having an affair with Rosalind (Capulet, apparently, in this version), except Rosalind has to get married to pouty-face Benvolio (Montague, Romeo’s cousin), BY THE ORDER OF THE PRINCE. You guys, the drama! The absolute drama.
And you know they’re going to BOTH fall for her and it will be AMAZING.
Then the prince’s sister has to go around stuffed into these godawful dresses, and I don’t think she even breathed once because no one’s waist is that tiny, and Rosalind keeps hanging around her being all, Thank God my costumes FIT, you know? (And all the dudes are in leather pants and they keep walking around bowlegged because leather pants are SO sweaty, amiright??)
OK, this image cuts off a little early, but imagine her waist is about as big around as her neck and you get the idea.
In the meantime, Juliet’s mother is freaking out that someone talked her into suicide, which — wow, Juliet’s mom must’ve read her some Shakespeare back in the day, and Juliet’s father is freaking out because he’s out of money, BUT NO ONE CAN KNOW. So he totally meets with this architect who’s supposed to build the chapel for Rosalind and Benvolio’s wedding, and he’s all, I’m gonna blame you if it doesn’t get built, and the architect is like, I’m not gonna take the fall, and the whole time they’re high up on this scaffolding, and so I say to my daughter: “Now he’s going to push that guy to his death and say: ‘You will take the fall,'” and then he did, and my daughter would’ve been impressed, but she was like, “Meh, I saw it coming too.”
Pictured here: Rosalind Capulet, relieved that she’s not standing on a precarious scaffolding with her eeeeeeevil uncle.
Anyway, the dialogue is SUPER ridiculous, like sometimes they’re trying to sound like Shakespearean, and other times they’re talking about screwing prostitutes, literally using the word “screw,” and everybody keeps gazing directly into the camera, and everybody looks like they just stepped off the set of a CW show and accidentally wandered over to ABC, and it is just glorious.
P.S. Thank you, costume designer, for making everybody look as miserable as possible. It is so great!
So I can’t wait to watch it again next week!
If you hate reading…
Then you’re probably not reading this post. Crap, did this misfire.
Anyway! If you don’t want to read any of my short stories, but are curious about them, here’s a podcast featuring several of my weirder pieces.
And it’s hosted by an adorable teddy bear, so everything is wonderful!
Good ninja, bad name
This weekend, I got a new ninja plushie!
I don’t have a problem! This is not my bedroom!
“What’s his name?” my daughter said, even though I never name my plushies because I am an adult person and an adult person would never do anything silly like name a plush.
“Uhhh … Shinobu,” I said, suddenly unable to remember the name “Sarutobi Sasuke,” which is what I wanted to say, because at least if I, as an adult person, am going to name an adorable ninja plushie, I want to name it after a cool ninja.
Anyway, now my daughter won’t let me change his name.
“He looks like a Shinobu,” she says.
… He kind of does.
The Show is the best, like, ever
I don’t review a lot of the silent movies I watch on this blog (or anywhere, truthfully) because I know you guys don’t care about silent movies as much as I do.
It’s like y’all are my daughter, rolling her eyes at me every time she hears the word “silent.”
But that will all change once you see Tod Browning’s The Show.
BECAUSE IT IS THE BEST EVER.
I love this movie so much if it was possible to marry a movie I would marry this movie, so take that, junior high taunters.
It’s got John Gilbert (and his ridiculous mustache) playing a carny who goes by — are you ready for this? I know you think you’re ready, but you’re probably not ready. Anyway, gird your loins, because this is awesome — COCK ROBIN.
And oh my god you guys, his costume!
Cock Robin!
Yes, I know it’s a nursery rhyme, but that’s OBVIOUSLY not how they meant it.
And, of course, because it’s a Tod Browning film, everything takes place at a circus/carnival, because when you live in a Tod Browning movie, it is all carnival all the time. So there’s random freak show girls and the adorable Renee Adoree and a total POISON IGUANA and Lionel Barrymore, the second hottest Barrymore of all.
Of course I meant John Barrymore! Granddaughter Drew is my third hottest Barrymore, and that’s final.
Now, the plot: Lionel Barrymore is totally dating Renee Adoree, who used to date Cock Robin (hee!) because she has terrible taste in men for reasons that will be later revealed. Also, Lionel Barrymore is a really bad dude. (And so is his character in the movie, ha, ha, ha.) So he straight-up murders this guy so he can rob him, but the guy’s billfold is empty! And it turns out the dead guy left the money with his daughter, a random girl who is in love with COCK ROBIN! (Ahem. Hee!)
Pictured here: A scene with Lionel Barrymore and Cock Robin, and they’re all like: “I’ll cut you,” “No, I’ll cut you.”
Cock Robin ends up with the money and Renee Adoree’s love, which really ticks off Lionel Barrymore. So he decides to murder Cock Robin, but instead of just shooting him like he did the first guy he murdered, he decides to do it in a roundabout way during a staging of Salome, so that Renee Adoree will see her lover’s head brought to her on a silver platter!
Let him die, Renee Adoree! He tried to wreck up your pretty face!!
MWA HA HA HA!
Anyway, that belabored plan doesn’t work for some reason, and Cock Robin has to go into hiding in Renee Adoree’s attic. Whilst there, he learns that she reads letters to a blind man from the blind man’s soldier son. THEN he learns that the son isn’t a soldier, but is actually a prisoner set to be hanged! Then the blind old man hears his voice and thinks it’s his son and he’s just SO HAPPY he takes Cock Robin back to his apartment and DIES OF JOY.
And then we learn that it’s actually Renee Adoree’s dad, who wasn’t even nice to her because he only loved his criminal son, and that explains her terrible, terrible taste in men, because she only knows criminals and jerks.
“Don’t leave me, Cock Robin! You are seriously the least horrible man I know!”
The good news is this leads to a change of heart for Cock Robin, and they start to fall IN LOVE.
BUT WAIT! You’d forgotten Lionel Barrymore and his needlessly complicated murder plans, hadn’t you??? You’d forgotten the POISON IGUANA!!! Well, not to worry, because Lionel Barrymore has totally sneaked into the attic to try to murder Cock Robin using a venomous lizard, because of course he would. And it is GLORIOUS.
I am so sad that this is the only picture of the POISON IGUANA I could find.
Anyway, Lionel Barrymore doesn’t succeed, and the movie ends with some girls at the carnival whispering about how Renee Adoree kept Cock Robin locked up alone in her house with her for weeks, and another girl hears them and delivers the best line, as she eyes John Gilbert in his tight-fitting costume:
“Who wouldn’t?”
*SIGHHHHHHHH*
I can’t read a room: A true story
Holy cow, you guys! What have I been doing this month?
“To Blog or … Nope. ‘Not to’ it is.”
Anyhow, to make up for your lack of funny, insightful genius from me, here’s an anecdote about how I do stupid things sometimes a lot of the time:
So there I was, invited to this writers’ group a friend of mine had set up. It was a group of nice, older women who like stories about cats and sweet grandpas. “Oh, what do you write?” they said.
I read them a pleasant story I’d written about birds living in a box store. They liked it, but it was really short. “Why don’t you read another?”
“Sure,” I said, and proceeded to read them my story about a woman having an affair with a guy whose wife is in a coma, and it ends with him taking her to bed and asking her to stay still. Really still.
“…”
“That’s … very nice, dear,” they said politely.
Ghosts in shells, bosses that are babies, and others
You probably think I’ve been going to the movies a lot lately because I haven’t been posting any “movies I’m not seeing this weekend,” but you’re wrong. I’ve just been lazy and awful and hardly posting anything.
So here’s a quick rundown of some movies I won’t be seeing, no how, no way, yuck.
Beauty and the Beast (Live Version for some reason). I guess we have to have live versions of all the Disney princess movies now? I can’t wait for the Snow White remake, because that won’t be super boring or anything.
But apparently she doesn’t have Stockholm Syndrome and falls for her captor because … I don’t know … true love?
Ghost in the Shell. And here we have a movie where Scarlett Johansson, whose name I can never spell, plays a woman who is in no way shape or form Japanese because Scarjo (I’m only doing it because I can’t spell her name! I’m sorry! I hate portmanteaus!) would never take a role from a person of color, this is just a random woman who was Japanese in the original version but is no longer Japanese, so why you got to be hating on the Black Widow?
Truth-telling time, here: I had a hard time following the anime and didn’t really like it.
Power Rangers. I NEVER LIKED MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS AND I REFUSE TO SEE THIS MOVIE.
Nostalgia is a terrible thing, you guys.
Kong: Skull Island: How is Samuel L. Jackson in, like, all the movies? Is he clones? I think he’s clones.
That might also explain how he hasn’t aged in 30 years.
Boss Baby. Just ick. Yuck. Looks so dumb. Bleh.
Screw you, Dreamworks. I hate you and your stupid movie so much.
