Omigod, you guys, I am having the hardest time coming up with post titles anymore. I swear, I’m just going to start calling things Random Post 1, Post about Anime 17, Indiana Jones is the best and Here’s Why 83.
Historically [women] tend to take every sick day that’s available with them, and that’s a gender thing. They look at how many sick days you get in a year. Say you get 12 sick days a year. If they go for two years and they’ve only taken three sick days, they’re going to cash in the remaining 21 sick days.
He further goes on to say that women are using these sick days for frivolous things:
Women in the workforce traditionally take a disproportionate amount of their sick days off for other reasons than sick days,” he said. “They take Junior to the hospital or go see Johnny’s soccer game.”
Because damn those bitches for not just letting Junior die at home, I guess.
So my mouth is super numb from going to the dentist, and I’m having a hard time talking, and I work at a place that starts with an “M,” which is really, really hard to say, and every time I answer the phone, my damn coworker just laughs at me.
My daughter and I were watching old episodes of Bob’s Burgers last night, and I said: “You know, I wish I was Louise, but I think I’m more of a Bob.”
My daughter immediately replied: “You’re Tina.”
But I’m not Tina Belcher!
I mean, it’s not like I’m an oblivious nerd who writes strange stories.
It’s not like I have glasses and a bad haircut.
It’s not like I’m socially awkward and…
Oh, God, I’m Tina Belcher.
The Light Between Two Oceans has Michael Fassbender in it.
Also, Alicia Vikander.
And then there’s this baby that shows up at their lighthouse, hence the title, washed up to shore in a boat with some dead dude, and they’re like: “Well, clearly, the only thing to do in this situation is not report this to the authorities and pretend the kid is ours.”
Later, the baby’s mother shows up, because who wouldn’t see that coming, and then there’s supposed to be some sort of moral dilemma, but seriously, don’t just pick up random babies and then tell everybody they’re yours, you slightly-better-than-kidnappers.
Well, am I glad that hellish week of spotty Internet service is over! Or probably over. Or whatever.
Anyway, to celebrate, here’s a photo of Jessie Graff, who is the best:
And I’m sure once I get caught up on my work that I’ll have all sorts of funny and entertaining things to say, and definitely won’t be too depressed or something to update my blog.
“Ma’am, are these comic books 50 cents?” said the woman, pointing to the box of comic books with a giant sign on it reading: “50 Cent Comic Books.”
“Yes, they are,” I replied.
After letting her 5- or 6-year-old son pick out a couple of comic books from the box of 50 Cent Comic Books, she brought them to the counter.
“Just so you know,” I said, “These are pretty mature books. Is it all right with you if he has them?”
“Oh, it’s not like he’ll read them, anyway,” she said.
“Comic books have pictures too,” I decided not to say.
Welp, there’s a new Ben-Hur movie. Like, what was wrong with the best one?
Anyway, Morgan Freeman seems to be reprising his role from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, a movie I have now shamefully admitted that I have seen, wherein he plays the coolest character, but one who is far too black to be the main character.
Also, the chariot race scene is soooo fake! Like, why not endanger some extras, huh? It’s not like they’re making enough money they can afford good lawyers for suing you! Why is it all CGI? Why is it all such obvious CGI?
At least it doesn’t look as terrible as War Dogs, I guess.
Oh, Ryan Lochte.
Oh, Ryan Lochte, oh, Ryan Lochte.
You are just so stupid.
I mean, I always knew you were the stupidest Olympic swimmer of our generation, and that you tended to be a frat boy type, and that your hair looks really terrible blonde.
But I never thought you would lie about getting mugged in Rio to cover up your own vandalism.
For all that’s good in this world, Ryan Lochte, you stupid, stupid man, you are 32 years old. Shouldn’t you know better by now?
So here it is, the epic battle you’ve all been waiting for (now that April Ross and Kerri Walsh Jennings took the bronze in beach volleyball, that is): Dora the Explorer vs. Stewie from Family Guy!
“What?” you’re saying. Or possibly “WTF” if you’re one of those hip young kids nowadays. “What could Dora the Explorer and Stewie from Family Guy possibly have in common?”
Well, I’ll tell you. Their heads are both shaped like footballs.
So, on that exceedingly flimsy basis: On to the battle!
Physicality. Dora the Explorer is a cartoon girl with a head shaped like a football. Stewie from Family Guy is a creepy cartoon baby with a head shaped like a football. Who is more attractive? Well, you’ll notice I used the word “creepy” to describe one of them. The winner is the one who isn’t creepy. Winner? Dora the Explorer.
Goes on marvelous adventures? Dora the Explorer goes on marvelous adventures. Stewie from Family Guy, I don’t know, makes the same jokes over and over? (I, ah, don’t watch Family Guy. I kind of hate it. Probably this won’t go well for the creepy football-shaped head baby from Family Guy). Winner? Dora the Explorer.
Is friends with a talking animal? Well, isn’t this a coincidence! Dora the Explorer’s best friend is a talking monkey. Stewie from Family Guy’s best friend is a talking dog. What is up with cartoons, right? Winner? It’s a tie.
Is more homicidal? Stewie the creepy awful murder baby from Family Guy wants to kill his mom, unless they’re done with that joke.
Dora the Explorer wants to teach kids colors and shapes and things like that. She seems nice. Winner? Stewie from Family Guy.
Knows how to use a map? You’d think it would be Dora the Explorer, right? But this is a trick question, because Dora has a map that flies and sings! (I think? It’s been a while since my kid was young enough to watch this show.) Anyway, whatever magical things Dora the Explorer’s map does, it’s not something a real map would do. But what of Stewie from Family Guy, you ask? Eh, he probably uses GPS. Winner? Nobody.
Overall winner in this fictional character battle that shows I’m desperately running out of ideas and need to be exposed to more characters from pop culture, STAT? Dora the Explorer, but only because I hate Family Guy so much.
SQUEEEEE! Did you see Simone Manuel win the gold in the women’s 100 free last night, and the way she’s the first African-American woman to ever win a gold in swimming?
And speaking of Simones, did you see how awesome Simone Biles was at gymnastics?
Oooh, and Michael Phelps won another gold medal and then competed in the 100 fly!
It was SO EXCITING!!!!!