Thanks, all y’all!

February 5, 2016 at 12:04 pm (Randomosity) ()

By popular demand, my story “The Drowning Pool” has been selected for inclusion in Microfiction Monday’s print anthology! Thanks to everybody who voted for my story!

Here's a picture of a baby Corgi as a thank you.

Here’s a picture of a baby Corgi as a thank you.

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Fish are awful, and I hate them

February 5, 2016 at 10:56 am (Randomosity) ()

I hate fish. I hate fish so much. I really hate them!

But a thing I hate worse than fish is seeing living creatures suffer. So, because no one else remembers to do it, I have been feeding the horrible, creepy, awful fish at work. I even found a fish that I disliked less than the rest of them. It was a little albino shark that the others had eaten half its tail off.

“Poor little guy,” I said. “Poor scrappy little guy.”

"Creepy little bug-eyed bastard, though."

“Creepy little bug-eyed bastard, though.”

Yesterday, when I went to feed the fish, I noticed my least-hated fish wasn’t eating with the others. Then I noticed he was bobbing upside down. Then I noticed, a half-hour later, he had completely vanished. Because the other fish had eaten him.

When I told my coworker, he said: “Well, they already knew he was delicious.”

Now I hate fish even more.

Anyway, now I hate fish even more.

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A love letter to Jareth, the Goblin King

February 4, 2016 at 12:07 pm (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , , , )

Dear Jareth, the Goblin King,

You are exactly what I always imagined a goblin king would be like. Tall, crazy-eyed and beautiful. You are, in short, my perfect goblin king.

I also admire your eclectic taste in hairstyles.

I also admire your eclectic taste in hairstyles.

I love you.

If you kidnapped my baby half-brother and said you were going to turn him into a goblin, I’d be all: “OK, sure, fine, but when do we get to the enchanted ball and the dancing?”

"I hope it's soon!"

“I hope it’s soon!”

If you forced me into a labyrinth with tons of Muppets and swamps of eternal stench, I’d be like: “Look, I’m only going through this labyrinth to get to the castle of Jareth, the Goblin King, because I love him.”

"Although a map would help. Seriously."

“Although a map would help. Seriously.”

If you wanted to sing me songs about how you’re only doing this for me, I’d be all: “…” because I’d be too busy listening to you sing to talk. Unless some of those damn Muppets started yammering on, and then I’d be like: “Shut up, you! The Goblin King is singing.”

"Seriously, you damn Muppets. I will cut you."

“Seriously, you damn Muppets. I will cut you.”

If you wanted me to look like Jennifer Connelly, I’d be all: “Just rub the camera lens with some Vaseline or whatever, and you’ll never be able to tell the difference.”

Pictured here: My long-lost twin.

Pictured here: My long-lost twin.

Anyway, Jareth, the Goblin King, I just want you to know that I love you, and I will always love you, and the world is a colder, darker place without a David Bowie in it.

It's been hard to process your loss, Rock God I Didn't Know Personally.

It’s been hard to process your loss, Rock God I Didn’t Know Personally. I’ll miss you.

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Sherlock Holmes vs. Han Solo

January 27, 2016 at 10:54 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , , , , , )

In this corner, it’s one of my absolute favorite fictional characters.

In the other corner, it’s one of my absolute favorite fictional characters.

OH GOD WHO WILL WIN????

Onward to the battle!

Physicality. Sherlock Holmes isn’t supposed to be handsome, but lately he’s been played by these attractive actors, like Basil Rathbone (lately?) and Benedict Cumberbatch. Han Solo, on the other hand, looks like Harrison Ford. Winner? Han Solo. Because he looks like Harrison Ford.

When I say "I love you" to photos of Han Solo, I like to whisper back to myself: "I know."

When I say “I love you” to photos of Han Solo, I like to whisper back to myself: “I know.”

Better sidekick? Sherlock Holmes’s sidekick is the ever-faithful, ever-ignoring-his-clients Dr. John Watson. Han Solo’s sidekick is Chewbacca the Wookiee, whom Spellchecker hates. Chewie is an 8-foot-tall hair monster who rips off people’s arms when he loses at space chess. He says “Ahrrr” a lot. Winner? Han Solo, because Chewbacca is awesome.

Eh, maybe he's only a 7'6" hair monster.

Eh, maybe he’s only a 7’6″ hair monster.

Is an interstellar space pilot? Sherlock Holmes lives in the 19th and early 20th century, where space travel was nothing more than a mad pipe dream. Also, he didn’t even know the earth was round, so he’d probably be just terrible at space piloting anyway. Han Solo, however, is an interstellar space pilot. Winner? Han Solo.

I used to have a Millennium Falcon keychain, but I lost it at the grocery store, and then I cried.

I used to have a Millennium Falcon keychain, but I lost it at the grocery store, and then I cried.

Comes back from certain death? Sherlock Holmes was dead for 10 years after being tossed over the edge of the Reichenbach Falls (spoiler alert: he never fell). He came back. Han Solo? … Not so much. Winner? Sherlock Holmes, because suck it, death.

"Pfft. Like the evilest supervillain of my time could ever defeat me."

“Pfft. Like the evilest supervillain of my time could ever defeat me.”

Doesn’t have a damn wiener son who ruins everything? You know who has a damn wiener son who ruins everything? Leia Organa Skywalker Solo, that’s who. Also, her baby daddy, Han Solo. You know who doesn’t have a damn wiener son who ruins everything? Sherlock Holmes. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.

Stupid Kylo Ren, ruining everything. Stupid.

Stupid Kylo Ren, ruining everything. Stupid.

Solves more crimes? Han Solo is a smuggler. A smuggler in space! He is definitely not solving any crimes. Committing them, sure. Solving them, not so much. Sherlock Holmes is a genius detective, the likes of which the world has never seen. He solves crimes like *insert cliche here*. He is a crime-solving machine. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.

"I certainly do enjoy solving crimes."

“I certainly do enjoy solving crimes.”

Has a cooler love interest? Sherlock Holmes doesn’t like ladies, or love, or anything except John Watson and cocaine and solving crimes. Han Solo fell for the ultra-badass Princess Leia, who is now a badass general. She is the coolest. Winner? Han Solo.

*Sighhhhhhh*

*Sighhhhhhh*

Has a light saber? Haaah, this is a trick question. Luke Skywalker has a light saber. Han Solo just has a laser gun. Winner? Nobody.

"'Just' a laser gun? Really?"

“‘Just’ a laser gun? Really?”

Wears a more iconic costume? True story: When I was in college, I dated a guy who idolized Han Solo , and wore cowboy boots and vests for years of his childhood in an effort to match his hero’s unique style of dress. That’s pretty iconic! Also, a really lame anecdote. But Sherlock Holmes has the deerstalker cap and cape! Winner? It’s a tie.

An iconic tie.

An iconic tie.

Is winning this fictional character battle? Han Solo, barely.

"Barely's still winning, sweetcheeks. Barely's still winning."

“Barely’s still winning, sweetcheeks. Barely’s still winning.”

Is that a surprise? Well, Sherlock Holmes always wins these things. But Han Solo is Han Solo, you know?

So he’s going to come out ahead? … Maybe?

Overall winner? I know this is going to be hard to believe, fellow Holmesians, but … Han Solo. Han Solo is the overall winner. I … think I might cry.

I know, Holmes. I can barely stand myself right now. Er, I mean, congratulations, Han Solo, the guy I wanted to marry when I was a kid!

I know, Holmes. I can barely stand myself right now.
Er, I mean, congratulations, Han Solo, the guy I wanted to marry when I was a kid!

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Cats and celebrities, lookin’ alike

January 26, 2016 at 10:03 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, )

I recently read that there is a cat that looks exactly like Adam Driver.

“That just doesn’t seem possible,” I thought as I began my image search. “How could a cat look exactly like the dude from the new Star Wars movie that spoiler alert and ruined the whole thing for me?”

"Huh. Well, God works in mysterious ways, I guess."

“Huh. Well, God works in mysterious ways, I guess.”

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The Boy, a doll, whatever

January 22, 2016 at 10:27 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend, Two-sentence Reviews) (, )

Q. So, another haunted doll movie, what?

A. I told you guys that Hollywood hates me.

YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL ME THAT ALL DOLLS ARE EVIL I ALREADY KNOW THAT IT WON'T STOP STARING WITH ITS DEAD, EVIL EYES GAHHHHHH.

YOU DON’T NEED TO TELL ME THAT ALL DOLLS ARE EVIL I ALREADY KNOW THAT AND IT WON’T STOP STARING WITH ITS DEAD, EVIL EYES GAHHHHHH.

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I’ve got to get this off my chest

January 19, 2016 at 10:29 am (Randomosity) (, , , , )

Look, I need to admit something to you, and I know you’re going to be ashamed of me, and I want you to know that I’m ashamed too. Deeply. But the truth is this:

I’ve been watching Supergirl on CBS.

I'm ... so ashamed.

I’m … so ashamed.

And here’s the thing about watching Supergirl on CBS: The dialogue is just terrible. Just terrible! So unnatural. The plot “twists” are so telegraphed my 12-year-old daughter can see most of them coming. Calista Flockhart has used so much Botox her entire face doesn’t move at all.

It's like she's wearing a Noh mask, I swear.

It’s like she’s wearing a Noh mask, I swear.

The characters act in ridiculous ways, just so they can propel the plot forward.

But. I. Just. Keep. Watching. It.

I can’t stop!

I mean, Supergirl is just so adorable! I want to take the actress home and braid her hair and feed her hand-baked cookies and play charades! She’s just so CUTE.

You just let me know your favorite kind of cookie, Melissa Benoist, and I'll get right on baking them for you.

You just let me know your favorite kind of cookie, Melissa Benoist, and I’ll get right on baking them for you.

And the Martian Manhunter is in it, which is awesome, because where else are you going to see the Martian Manhunter?

Ha! It's a trick question, because he can look like anyone. He could be behind you right now, and you'd never even know.

Ha! It’s a trick question, because he can look like anyone. He could be behind you right now, and you’d never even know.

And Supergirl’s sister is the chick from Taxi Brooklyn, so that’s something.

Er, her adopted sister, that is. Only Supergirl is an alien. Her sister is from Earth.

Er, her adopted sister, that is. Only Supergirl is an alien. Her sister is from Earth.

Anyway, I think I need help.

Please, someone stop me.

Please, someone stop me.

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Poe Dameron = Princess Leia

January 6, 2016 at 10:19 am (Randomosity) (, , , , , )

This weekend, I was discussing the new Star Wars film with one of my IRL friends (hi, Jamin!) and I neglected to mention my belief that Poe Dameron is Princess Leia.

"But Princess Leia doesn't pilot a ship! She's a GENERAL!"

“But Princess Leia doesn’t pilot a ship! She’s a GENERAL!”

I know, I know — he’s a spaceship pilot and a rogue, so you’d think he’s Han Solo, right? But hear me out!

1) He sends a droid on a mission to save the galaxy

"I'd do anything you say, Poe Dameron. Anything."

“I’d do anything you say, Poe Dameron. Anything.”

2) He gets captured by the enemy

3) He gets tortured by Darth Vader Lite (TM)

"Please stop calling me that. Just 'cause I never Force-choke anyone."

“Please stop calling me that. Just ’cause I never Force-choke anyone, jeez.”

4) He escapes with the help of someone dressed as a stormtrooper

"Aren't you a little short to be a --" "I am as God made me."

“Aren’t you a little short to be a –“
“I am as God made me.”

5) He is the prettiest one

Soooooo pretty.

Soooooo pretty.

So you see? Poe Dameron is Princess Leia.

And Princess Leia is a badass.

And Princess Leia is a badass.

 

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A Star Wars review for realsies this time

January 3, 2016 at 1:20 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

As you’re aware, I saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens this weekend. Here are my thoughts, other than “It sucks that Wedge, my second-favorite character, wasn’t in it.”

First off, did you see the new hotshot pilot Poe Dameron? And also the evil General Hux? They were, like, soooo handsome, and I didn’t even realize they were both in Ex Machina, which I also saw and didn’t think either of them were all that good-looking in it, so some kudos are deserved either by the makeup artists of Star Wars (for making them so pretty) or the makeup artists of Ex Machina (for making them so not).

He's no Wedge, but I guess he'll do. Also: *dreamy sighhhhhh*

He’s no Wedge, but I guess he’ll do.
Also: *dreamy sighhhhhh*

Secondly, and horrifyingly, did you notice that the two main characters WERE BOTH BORN IN 1992?! Are they even old enough to drive, let alone fly interstellar spaceships? Also, how freaking old am I?

Get off my lawn, you young Jedi Knights!

Get off my lawn, you young Jedi Knights!

Thirdly, did anyone else SQUEEEEE when the Millennium Falcon showed up? And then again when Han and Chewie showed up? And then a third time when Princess/General Leia appeared on the screen? And then you didn’t get to squee because Wedge Antilles never showed up, and I think the movie could only have been improved if all the characters went around saying “Where is Wedge?” whenever he wasn’t on screen.

I missed you guys SO MUCH while you were gone!

I missed you guys SO MUCH while you were gone!

And what was up with cut-rate Darth Vader taking off his mask and showing off his ugly mug all the time? Doesn’t he realize he’s SO MUCH MORE INTIMIDATING with his mask on?

I mean, not THAT intimidating, but more intimidating than his damn face.

I mean, not THAT intimidating, but more intimidating than his damn face.

Plus, was anyone else disappointed that they went to the trouble of casting the beautiful Lupita Nyong’o and then had her play a Yoda-esque goggle monster?

GAHHHHHHHHHH.

GAHHHHHHHHHH.

Anyway, the action sequences were great, the special effects were good, and there were some funny bits, and then something so damned tragic happened, and I’d say I cried like a little girl, but I brought my daughter to the movie with me and she didn’t cry at all.

And then I cried some more, because I've raised The Bad Seed.

And then I cried some more, because I’ve raised The Bad Seed.

So, yes, the new Star Wars was a good movie and I liked it, except for that one part, and I never want to see it again.

Damn you for making me cry like that, J.J. Abrams.

Damn you for making me cry like that, J.J. Abrams.

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Spoilers ahead: I saw the new Star Wars

January 2, 2016 at 5:11 pm (Randomosity) (, , , )

I just got back from seeing the new Star Wars movie, and I just want to say how much I appreciate everyone who kept the spoilers from me. I mean, knowing that the worst thing possible happens in advance would have ruined the movie for me.

That would suck, right? If someone gave things away and spoiled the movie for you?

That would suck, right? If someone gave things away and spoiled the movie for you?

I mean: WHERE WAS WEDGE ANTILLES?

Maybe he retired to a nice little corner of the universe to herd nerfs?

Maybe he retired to a nice little corner of the universe to herd nerfs?

What the hell? They got everybody else back, but not Denis Lawson?!

Please sign my petition below so J.J. Abrams can know just how unhappy we are.

 

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