Just let Junior die, says Wyoming legislator

September 15, 2016 at 9:32 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) ()

Omigod, you guys, I am having the hardest time coming up with post titles anymore. I swear, I’m just going to start calling things Random Post 1, Post about Anime 17, Indiana Jones is the best and Here’s Why 83.

Anyway, this post is about Gerald Gay, a Wyoming legislator, who thinks the wage gap is due to gender issues such as women using all the sick days. He says:

Historically [women] tend to take every sick day that’s available with them, and that’s a gender thing. They look at how many sick days you get in a year. Say you get 12 sick days a year. If they go for two years and they’ve only taken three sick days, they’re going to cash in the remaining 21 sick days.

He further goes on to say that women are using these sick days for frivolous things:

Women in the workforce traditionally take a disproportionate amount of their sick days off for other reasons than sick days,” he said. “They take Junior to the hospital or go see Johnny’s soccer game.”

Because damn those bitches for not just letting Junior die at home, I guess.

Seriously, Gerald Gay, you are the worst.

Seriously, Gerald Gay, you are the worst.

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Coworkers and dentists suck

September 13, 2016 at 11:32 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

So my mouth is super numb from going to the dentist, and I’m having a hard time talking, and I work at a place that starts with an “M,” which is really, really hard to say, and every time I answer the phone, my damn coworker just laughs at me.

You'll be sorry when I feel good enough to bite you with my newly perfect teeth!

You’ll be sorry when I feel good enough to bite you with my newly perfect teeth!

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I am … Tina Belcher

September 9, 2016 at 9:20 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, )

My daughter and I were watching old episodes of Bob’s Burgers last night, and I said: “You know, I wish I was Louise, but I think I’m more of a Bob.”

My daughter immediately replied: “You’re Tina.”

But I’m not Tina Belcher!

I mean, it’s not like I’m an oblivious nerd who writes strange stories.

"I wouldn't say 'oblivious.'"

“I wouldn’t say ‘oblivious.'”

It’s not like I have glasses and a bad haircut.

"Have you seen your hair?"

“Have you seen your hair?”

It’s not like I’m socially awkward and…

... Wait, is this Tina Belcher or is this me?

… Wait, is this Tina Belcher or is this me?

Oh, God, I’m Tina Belcher.

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A tale of beautiful baby thieves

September 2, 2016 at 9:13 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

The Light Between Two Oceans has Michael Fassbender in it.

He is beautiful.

He is beautiful.

Also, Alicia Vikander.

She is also beautiful.

She is also beautiful.

And then there’s this baby that shows up at their lighthouse, hence the title, washed up to shore in a boat with some dead dude, and they’re like: “Well, clearly, the only thing to do in this situation is not report this to the authorities and pretend the kid is ours.”

"Hey, honey, I think there's a baby in here. We should just call dibs, right?"

“Hey, honey, I think there’s a baby in here. We should just call dibs, right?”

Later, the baby’s mother shows up, because who wouldn’t see that coming, and then there’s supposed to be some sort of moral dilemma, but seriously, don’t just pick up random babies and then tell everybody they’re yours, you slightly-better-than-kidnappers.

For reals, guys, though, give that lady back her baby. Jeez.

For reals, guys, though, give that lady back her baby. Jeez.

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Welcome back, Internet connection

August 30, 2016 at 10:00 am (Randomosity) (, )

Well, am I glad that hellish week of spotty Internet service is over! Or probably over. Or whatever.

Anyway, to celebrate, here’s a photo of Jessie Graff, who is the best:

I love you, Jessie!

I love you, Jessie!

And I’m sure once I get caught up on my work that I’ll have all sorts of funny and entertaining things to say, and definitely won’t be too depressed or something to update my blog.

Shhhh. I'm working.

Shhhh. I’m working.

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A fun day at work

August 22, 2016 at 9:20 am (Randomosity)

“Ma’am, are these comic books 50 cents?” said the woman, pointing to the box of comic books with a giant sign on it reading: “50 Cent Comic Books.”

“Yes, they are,” I replied.

"Also, maybe don't breathe under the water, okay?"

“Also, maybe don’t breathe under the water, okay?”

After letting her 5- or 6-year-old son pick out a couple of comic books from the box of 50 Cent Comic Books, she brought them to the counter.

“Just so you know,” I said, “These are pretty mature books. Is it all right with you if he has them?”

“Oh, it’s not like he’ll read them, anyway,” she said.

“Comic books have pictures too,” I decided not to say.

"And I'm sure every picture in the comic book will be perfectly appropriate for a child of your son's age."

“And I’m sure every picture in the comic book will be perfectly appropriate for a child of your son’s age.”

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The greatest story ever told?

August 19, 2016 at 1:26 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , )

Welp, there’s a new Ben-Hur movie. Like, what was wrong with the best one?

I know you thought I meant this one ...

I know you thought I meant this one …

... but clearly I'm referencing the silent classic starring Ramon Novarro!

… but clearly I’m referencing the silent classic starring Ramon Novarro!

Anyway, Morgan Freeman seems to be reprising his role from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, a movie I have now shamefully admitted that I have seen, wherein he plays the coolest character, but one who is far too black to be the main character.

Sorry, scratch that. Second coolest character. Rest in peace, Alan Rickman, you magnificent bastard.

Sorry, scratch that. Second coolest character.
Rest in peace, Alan Rickman, you magnificent bastard.

Also, the chariot race scene is soooo fake! Like, why not endanger some extras, huh? It’s not like they’re making enough money they can afford good lawyers for suing you! Why is it all CGI? Why is it all such obvious CGI?

"Because it's cheaper than using real actors, duh."

“Because it’s cheaper than using real actors, duh.”

At least it doesn’t look as terrible as War Dogs, I guess.

And I know you thought I was joking earlier, but Ramon Novarro is just, like, so great.

And I know you thought I was joking earlier, but Ramon Novarro is just, like, so great.

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Lyin’ Ryan rhymes, at least

August 19, 2016 at 1:10 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, )

Oh, Ryan Lochte.

Oh, Ryan Lochte, oh, Ryan Lochte.

You are just so stupid.

I mean, I always knew you were the stupidest Olympic swimmer of our generation, and that you tended to be a frat boy type, and that your hair looks really terrible blonde.

"Buh?"

“Buh?”

But I never thought you would lie about getting mugged in Rio to cover up your own vandalism.

For all that’s good in this world, Ryan Lochte, you stupid, stupid man, you are 32 years old. Shouldn’t you know better by now?

God bless the New York Post, though.

God bless the New York Post, though.

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Dora the Explorer vs. Stewie Griffin

August 18, 2016 at 3:04 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , )

So here it is, the epic battle you’ve all been waiting for (now that April Ross and Kerri Walsh Jennings took the bronze in beach volleyball, that is): Dora the Explorer vs. Stewie from Family Guy!

“What?” you’re saying. Or possibly “WTF” if you’re one of those hip young kids nowadays. “What could Dora the Explorer and Stewie from Family Guy possibly have in common?”

Well, I’ll tell you. Their heads are both shaped like footballs.

Now that you've seen it ...

Now that you’ve seen it …

... you can't unsee it!

… you can’t unsee it!

So, on that exceedingly flimsy basis: On to the battle!

Physicality. Dora the Explorer is a cartoon girl with a head shaped like a football. Stewie from Family Guy is a creepy cartoon baby with a head shaped like a football. Who is more attractive? Well, you’ll notice I used the word “creepy” to describe one of them. The winner is the one who isn’t creepy. Winner? Dora the Explorer.

It probably helps that she has hair to disguise that football-shaped gourd of hers.

It probably helps that she has hair to disguise that football-shaped gourd of hers.

Goes on marvelous adventures? Dora the Explorer goes on marvelous adventures. Stewie from Family Guy, I don’t know, makes the same jokes over and over? (I, ah, don’t watch Family Guy. I kind of hate it. Probably this won’t go well for the creepy football-shaped head baby from Family Guy). Winner? Dora the Explorer.

"Oh, such adventures I had when I was a child, little ones. Now come sit round Granny's lap and let me tell you all about it."

“Oh, such adventures I had when I was a child, little ones. Now come sit round Granny’s lap and let me tell you all about it.”

Is friends with a talking animal? Well, isn’t this a coincidence! Dora the Explorer’s best friend is a talking monkey. Stewie from Family Guy’s best friend is a talking dog. What is up with cartoons, right? Winner? It’s a tie.

I suppose I could've said "Talking animal with a drinking problem" and just given Stewie this category, but I didn't wanna.

I suppose I could’ve said “Talking animal with a drinking problem” and just given Stewie this category, but I didn’t wanna.

Is more homicidal? Stewie the creepy awful murder baby from Family Guy wants to kill his mom, unless they’re done with that joke.

I suspect they're not done with that joke.

I suspect they’re not done with that joke.

Dora the Explorer wants to teach kids colors and shapes and things like that. She seems nice. Winner? Stewie from Family Guy.

Evil little creepy little awful murder baby that he is.

Evil little creepy little awful murder baby that he is.

Knows how to use a map? You’d think it would be Dora the Explorer, right? But this is a trick question, because Dora has a map that flies and sings! (I think? It’s been a while since my kid was young enough to watch this show.) Anyway, whatever magical things Dora the Explorer’s map does, it’s not something a real map would do. But what of Stewie from Family Guy, you ask? Eh, he probably uses GPS. Winner? Nobody.

"No, kids, you're ALL winners! Don't do drugs."

“No, kids, you’re ALL winners! Don’t do drugs.”

Overall winner in this fictional character battle that shows I’m desperately running out of ideas and need to be exposed to more characters from pop culture, STAT? Dora the Explorer, but only because I hate Family Guy so much.

The Parents Television Council agrees with me, though probably not because of how derivative and annoying it is.

The Parents Television Council agrees with me, though probably not because of how derivative and annoying it is.

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Your semiannual Olympics squee!

August 12, 2016 at 9:20 am (Randomosity) (, , , )

SQUEEEEE! Did you see Simone Manuel win the gold in the women’s 100 free last night, and the way she’s the first African-American woman to ever win a gold in swimming?

And she tied with a Canadian swimmer, and they were both so happy, and it was SO COOL!

And she tied with a Canadian swimmer, and they were both so happy, and it was SO COOL!

And speaking of Simones, did you see how awesome Simone Biles was at gymnastics?

And Aly Raisman took the silver and it was *sniff* SO MOVING.

And Aly Raisman took the silver and it was *sniff* SO MOVING.

Oooh, and Michael Phelps won another gold medal and then competed in the 100 fly!

And he was all like, "I've won four gold medals this Olympics, you guys!"

And he was all like, “I’ve won four gold medals this Olympics, you guys!”

It was SO EXCITING!!!!!

So: SQUEEEEEEEE!

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