Some people are just the worst

July 21, 2016 at 10:54 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

So I just got a call from a guy we’re helping wanting to know if the director they’re working with was in. I said that he was, but was helping another family and asked if they wanted to leave a message.

“No,” he said, “I just wanted to confirm he was in the office today because we’re going to bring their payment and some photos by for him.”

“Well,” I said, “he is in the office today, but he’s meeting with some other families, so I don’t know if he’ll be available when you come in. But if you’re just dropping off payment and photos, we can certainly get it to him.”

“Well, honey,” says this guy, “We’re talking cash, so I don’t feel comfortable giving it to you. I’d rather give it to him directly.”

Shown here: Me, as pictured by this dipshit I'm talking to.

Shown here: Me, as pictured by this dipshit I’m talking to.

“Fine,” I said, after pausing for a moment so I wouldn’t lose my shit. “I will have him call you when he’s available.”

“Well, I guess we could give it to you,” he decides. “As long as we get a receipt.”

"All right now, on the 'Received From' line, would you like me to spell Asshole as one word or two?"

“All right now, on the ‘Received From’ line, would you like me to spell Asshole as one word or two?”

 

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A love letter to Indiana Jones

July 19, 2016 at 8:39 am (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , , )

Dear Indiana Jones,

I’ve always loved you since I was a little girl.

Daddy issues, probably.

Daddy issues, probably.

Actually, I did go through a phase where I wasn’t that into you, but that’s because my brother was going through a phase where he wore khakis and a fedora, carried a whip, and wanted to be an archeologist, and it just felt wrong to love you then.

Like this, but it's your brother and not some random cosplayer.

Like this, but it’s your brother and not some random cosplayer.

But other than that, I have always, always loved you.

(About as much as I love Han Solo.)

Dear Han Solo: I've always loved you since I was a little girl.

Dear Han Solo:
I’ve always loved you since I was a little girl.

Which is why I think we should get married.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I think Marion Ravenwood is, like, the perfect girl for you. Hell, I think Marion Ravenwood is, like, the perfect girl, full stop. She’s brave, beautiful, can handle alcohol well, and she just seems really like a lot of fun to be around.

And she's all like: "Eat my smoke, Nazi!"

And she’s all like: “Eat my smoke, Nazi!”

There’s only one problem with Marion Ravenwood, Indiana. When you procreate with her, you create a Shia LeBeouf.

LOOK AT HIS STUPID HAT! LOOK AT IT!

LOOK AT HIS STUPID HAT! LOOK AT IT!

And that’s terrible. That’s just terrible.

Now I, on the other hand, have a beautiful, talented, non-plagiarizing daughter, so you wouldn’t have to worry about that sort of thing.

Seriously, he is just the worst.

Seriously, he is just the worst.

So, let’s get married.

Just you, me and your whip.

We could honeymoon in, oh, I don't know, Germany? AND FIGHT SOME NAZIS!!!

We could honeymoon in, oh, I don’t know, Germany? AND FIGHT SOME NAZIS!!!

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I really need to stop reading the opinion page

July 19, 2016 at 8:22 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

I know I shouldn’t, but I keep reading the opinion page of the local newspaper and discovering that 1) a lot of my fellow townspeople LOVE Trump; 2) a lot of them hate women; and 3) a lot of them really dislike people who aren’t white, and it’s probably their fault that the police shot them to death when they were unarmed, and maybe people should just stop complaining about how police never get prosecuted for straight-up murdering people, and also Obama is secretly a Muslim.

Seriously, in the last two days’ paper, we had a guy who thought Hillary Clinton should be satisfied just being a grandmother, and not try to run for president. (Like he’d say THAT to a man of her age.)

I mean, jeez, ya old hag, have some consideration for the men who are threatened by you!

He probably wouldn’t even tell them to retire and focus on being a GRANDFATHER.

We had another guy who said if you argue with the police, it’s your fault you get shot, and at least it decreases the surplus population. (Paraphrasing; his was actually more like: “Darwinism, yo!”) (Which doesn’t explain Philando Castile, but, hey, whatever, right?)

Aw, man, kid, it's like you're ASKING to get shot by asking NOT to get shot.

Aw, man, kid, it’s like you’re ASKING to get shot by asking NOT to get shot.

And we had a woman who blames Obama for not running as a black man, not a biracial man, because if he had run as a biracial man, then the last eight years would have been years of “inclusion rather than exclusion.”

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

"Plus I can tell from this photo that he's actually anti-American 'cause he's secretly flipping us the bird British-style."

“Plus I can tell from this photo that he’s actually anti-American ’cause he’s secretly flipping us the bird British-style.”

Luckily, there was a letter to the editor from a guy that was basically: “Bigotry = Stupidity,” so not everyone in my town is jerks.

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I ain’t afraid of no remakes

July 15, 2016 at 9:48 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, )

On the new Ghostbusters, I’m torn.

I want to see it so all those misogynists who are like “Ewww, women will ruin the movie!” can go suck.

How gross, these actresses making a living doing their thing.

How gross, these actresses making a living doing their thing.

But I don’t want to see it because it doesn’t look that funny.

But I still want to punch the faces of the dudes who call this "Ghostbusters: Fat Dyke edition."

But I still want to punch the faces of the dudes who call this “Ghostbusters: Fat Dyke edition.”

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Drivers for Trump

July 13, 2016 at 9:02 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) ()

Lately, on the way home from work, I’ve been stuck behind a truck with a Trump bumper sticker. Which is fine and all, as everyone is welcome to their own stupid opinion, but STOP GOING FIVE MILES UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT THE WHOLE TIME, GUY!

Also, your opinion is crap.

Also, your opinion is crap.

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My mother said a funny thing

July 12, 2016 at 9:27 am (Randomosity) (, , , )

My obsession with American Ninja Warrior continues unabated! And last night, I cheered for the awesome Jessie Graff, who does stuntwork for this one show I can’t stop watching.

I've loved her since she first competed in American Ninja Warrior dressed like Big Bird.

I’ve loved her since she first competed in American Ninja Warrior dressed like Big Bird.

Anyway, Jessie Graff is beautiful and awesome (you already said that!) and outperformed all but one of the other contestants on a brutal obstacle course.

Because she is a GODDESS.

Because she is a GODDESS.

My daughter, however, was unimpressed.

“You won’t say that when I marry her,” I said.

Oooh, and she can wear a suit to the wedding, because she is SO PRETTY.

Oooh, and she can wear a suit to the wedding, because she is SO PRETTY.

But then I realized I had nothing to offer Jessie Graff, being older, less awesome and poor. “I can’t even be her sugar momma,” I said, sadly.

“You can be her Splenda momma,” my mother offered.

"Hmmmm," I replied, thoughtfully.

“Hmmmm,” I replied, thoughtfully.

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The Purge the Third

July 1, 2016 at 10:28 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, )

Guys, this isn’t funny anymore.

There is a THIRD Purge movie. I really don’t understand how this is a successful franchise. Are the movies that good? That cathartic?

A horrific peek at the future to come?

A horrific peek at the future to come?

Anyway, two years ago I blamed everybody for the sequel, and now I’m blaming them for the … wait, what the hell do you call the third entry in a franchise?

"Seriously? Who cares?" -- Hollywood

“Seriously? Who cares?” — Hollywood

The third Purge movie looks just like the first two: Night of mayhem, crime is legal, everybody wears stupid masks.

It seems like it would be hard to commit murder with these godawful masks covering your faces, but what do I know?

It seems like it would be hard to commit murder with these godawful masks covering your faces, but what do I know?

Enjoy it if you go, I guess.

And if there’s a fourth, I will never forgive you.

 

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Tarzan, King of the Apes

June 29, 2016 at 9:13 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , )

Right. So, the first thing about this new Tarzan movie is that I’ve been reading about feral children lately, and most of them can’t speak. So every time I see an ad for this new Tarzan flick and he’s speaking perfect English, I’m like: “Pfft! Like he’d be able to talk at all!”

Plus, I'm sorry, but he'd probably be more attracted to lady apes than to ladies, because he would think he was an ape.

Plus, I’m sorry, but he’d probably be more attracted to lady apes than to ladies.

The second thing about the new Tarzan flick is boy do those apes look fake.

"All right, now, Alexander, we'd like you to pretend like you're running in a flock of apes. A flock? What the hell do they call a group of apes, anyway?"

“All right, now, Alexander, we’d like you to pretend like you’re running in a flock of apes. A flock? What the hell do they call a group of apes, anyway?

The third thing is does Samuel L. Jackson have to take every role he’s offered? Is it some sort of “deal with the devil” scenario?

"The details of my agreement do not allow me to answer that question conclusively."

“The details of my agreement do not allow me to answer that question conclusively.”

The last thing is there’s only one true Tarzan, and that Tarzan is Johnny Weissmuller.

Because I like old movies, that's why.

Because I like old movies, that’s why.

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I just did a terrible thing

June 27, 2016 at 2:43 pm (Randomosity)

You guys, this is bad.

This is really bad.

This is, like, the worst.

So I went outside, right? I was going to get the mail at work, and the sun was right in my eyes, so I wasn’t really paying attention to what was going on around me, just kind of, you know, shading my eyes and walking forward.

And I kicked something.

“Huh,” I thought. “This feels softer than a rock.”

And then it flew away.

So, yeah, I just kicked a bird. I feel, you know, really REALLY terrible.

So, yeah, I just kicked a bird. I feel, you know, really REALLY terrible.

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Counting = A very hard thing

June 22, 2016 at 4:33 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

Lately, I’d been feeling down because I got FOUR STORIES REJECTED IN FIVE DAYS.

But then I discovered that Saturday, Sunday and Monday actually equals three, so then I felt worse.

"Sonuvabitch," quoth I, learning how to use a calendar for the first time.

“Sonuvabitch,” quoth I, learning how to use a calendar for the first time.

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