And now I’m torn

June 30, 2015 at 10:00 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , )

I don’t wanna see the new Terminator movie.

And what's this "resetting the future" business? I thought we were "fighting the future," like in Terminator 2, the best one.

And what’s this “resetting the future” business? I thought we were “fighting the future,” like in Terminator 2, the best one.

For many reasons, number one of which is they spelled “Genesis” like that, you know?

Also, John Connor doesn't look like Christian Bale anymore, which is terrible.

Also, John Connor doesn’t look like Christian Bale anymore, which is terrible.

But then it’s like, wait, is that Arnold Schwarzenegger meeting a young Arnold Schwarzenegger? (Finally! We’ve put the technology to good use, because WHAT’S COOLER THAN THAT?!)

Omigod, omigod, this is the best thing ever!

Omigod, omigod, this is the best thing ever!

Wait, what’s that you say? My favorite living actor J.K. Simmons is in the movie? You’re right! That is cooler than two Schwarzeneggers! That’s way cool! It’s the coolest!

Is he playing the president? That would be really cool. If J.K. Simmons ran for president, I would totally vote for him. That would be cool.

Is he playing the president? That would be really cool. If J.K. Simmons ran for president, I would totally vote for him. That would be cool.

Ugh, it’s almost like I want to see this movie now, but I really, really don’t because it’s, like, what? A prequel? An alt-universe story? And that’s totally not Linda Hamilton, and her hair totally doesn’t look ’80s enough. And John Connor is a Terminator now? Wha? I don’t even under — and, wait, did Arnold Schwarzenegger just say “I’ll be back?”

Fine. I'll see you there.

Fine. I’ll see you there.

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A missed opportunity

June 30, 2015 at 9:02 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, )

So I ran into this woman who’s known me since I was in college. She looks at me and says: “You just don’t age!”

Later, I said to my daughter: “Why didn’t I tell her ‘You should see this painting I have hiding in my closet?'”

And then my daughter rolled her eyes.

"Yes, Mom, I get the reference, but can you please stop telling me every time you think of something clever too late?"

“Yes, Mom, I get the reference, but can you please stop telling me every time you think of something clever too late?”

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YEA! FINALLY!

June 26, 2015 at 9:42 am (Randomosity)

Marriage is finally legal (in America) for all consenting adults of any shape, color, gender or sexual orientation, what took us so long???

God bless the five members of the Supreme Court who aren't assholes.

God bless the five members of the Supreme Court who aren’t assholes.

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New wheels, babies!

June 24, 2015 at 9:58 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

This weekend, I bought a new car. (Well, not brand new. I’ve never owned a brand new car in my life, but it’s 12 years newer than my poor little jalopy, so it’s new to me!)

My father had some good advice for keeping it in good shape:

“Go around the pothole in the road. Don’t drive through it.”

Thank goodness I have a father to give me advice I already figured out on my own.

Thank goodness I have a father to give me advice I already figured out on my own.

 

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The dinosaurs are back in town

June 12, 2015 at 9:48 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , , )

Hold onto your hats, everybody, because there’s a new Jurassic Park movie coming out!

This guy knows the score.

This guy knows the score.

That is so exciting! We needed a new Jurassic Park movie! It’s not like there’s been at least several already made!

But this time they're mutant dinosaurs so it doesn't matter that we've been designing dinosaurs wrong all this time!

But this time they’re mutant dinosaurs so it doesn’t matter that we’ve been designing dinosaurs wrong all this time!

Now that all that phony enthusiasm is out of my system, I’d like to address my most pressing complaint about Jurassic World (other than that why do we need a new Jurassic Park movie, I seriously don’t get it): Chris Pratt as the heir apparent to Harrison Ford.

But not the silent film star Harrison Ford, because that would be silly.

But not the silent film star Harrison Ford, because that would be silly.

I get that he’s cute and charming, I guess, but I can’t tell him apart from the other half-dozen guys who look just like him.

Is this Chris Pratt?

Is this Chris Pratt?

I don't think this is.

I don’t think this is.

Maybe I'm the only one who mixes these guys up all the time?

Maybe I’m the only one who mixes these guys up all the time?

Maybe I need to see a movie that he’s in. Maybe that would help. Can someone tell me what movies he’s in? Because I don’t think I’d recognize him without help.

Eh, maybe I'll just watch the Indiana Jones trilogy again.

Eh, maybe I’ll just watch the Indiana Jones trilogy again.

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A love letter to Bob Belcher

June 9, 2015 at 9:44 am (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, )

Dear Bob Belcher,

You are my perfect man. I mean, except for the mustache. I really don’t like mustaches. Unless they’re connected to a goatee, or even a nicely trimmed beard. But you are kind of funny-looking without the mustache, so … you are my perfect man.

My perfect man is ALWAYS happy to be around hamburgers.

My perfect man is ALWAYS happy to be around hamburgers.

I love how accepting you are of your family’s strange behaviors. And they’re all strange. Especially Tina. And Gene. Also Linda. But not Louise, because Louise is perfect.

Hey, Louise, if your dad's not interested, call me when you're older, 'kay?

Hey, Louise, if your dad’s not interested, call me when you’re older, ‘kay?

I love how you’re a hamburger chef, because sometimes, Bob, I don’t feel like making dinner. Sometimes, Bob, I get home from work and I don’t want to make dinner at all. So we could have hamburgers! Or something! You like cooking, right? You would make dinner for me, right?

I would especially enjoy the Edward James Olive-Most Burger.

I would especially enjoy the Edward James Olive-Most Burger.

I love how you always try your best, and also how when you talk to inanimate objects, you make them talk back. That’s so endearing! In fact, lately I’ve started talking to inanimate objects and having them talk back. It’s probably because I love you so much, or because I watch too much TV and am easily influenced.

I haven't blinked in years.

I haven’t blinked in years.

I love how you get along with all your neighbors, except for Jimmy Pesto, because he’s a jerk, and that mean old lady from the arts and crafts store. She’s really mean! You’re totally in the right not to like her! And I support you in that, even if it means I wouldn’t be able to buy crafting supplies. But why would I need crafting supplies when I have the love of a good man who once accidentally made out with his sister-in-law?

At least she dresses tastefully.  Get it? Because of the shrimp! Tastefully!

At least she dresses tastefully.
Get it? Because of the shrimp! Tastefully!

So, Bob, if anything happens to Linda — and not that I want anything to happen to Linda, God, no, I love that woman, and I would never, never push her in front of a car just to propel you into early widower-hood — I’d like you to keep me in mind. We could double-date with, I don’t know, Marshmallow.

Because Marshmallow always looks pretty, that's why.

Because Marshmallow always looks pretty, that’s why.

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NCIS: A show that, apparently, inspires passion

June 4, 2015 at 9:48 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, )

A thing I didn’t realize is that NCIS (that CBS show about, I don’t know, military crimes or something — you know, the one that’s basically CSI [which was basically Law & Order, only with “law” and no “order”] with a goth chick?) has a devoted fan base who are willing to purchase (and wear!) NCIS tee-shirts.

Who has clearly made a deal with some skin-moisturizing devil, because she's not actually 19, but rather a 46-year-old woman.

The goth chick has clearly made a deal with some skin-moisturizing devil, because she’s not actually 19, but rather a 46-year-old woman.

But then I saw someone wearing one this weekend, and now I’ve learned a new (and useless!) thing.

And now, so have you. You're welcome.

And now, so have you.
You’re welcome.

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On camels and tents

June 2, 2015 at 9:29 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, )

I have a new favorite saying now.

“Don’t let the camel get his nose under your tent wall, or he will break your tent.”

"Hi! I'm a camel, and I'm here to wreck your tent."

“Hi! I’m a camel, and I’m here to wreck your tent.”

Isn’t that just so unrelentingly stupid? I love it! It’s the dumbest saying I’ve ever heard. I found it in a brilliant letter to the editor in our local paper, from this guy who is worried his children will grow up to be open-minded and tolerant if they’re led by gay Boy Scout leaders, and not ignorant and bigoted like he is.

“I don’t want my children learning the ways a gay man would teach them. I want my boys to grow up to be men, not someone who is confused about his gender,” says this guy, who is an idiot.

I can't think of a snarky cutline for this. This sucks and I hate it.

I can’t think of a snarky caption for this. This sucks and I hate it.

He also goes on about the gay agenda, and camels, and tents. He wraps up his letter with this: “Scouting has let the camel in.”

And once the camels get in, that's when they start biting people on the head.

And once the camels get in, that’s when they start biting people on the head.

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Great news for silent movies!

May 29, 2015 at 1:43 pm (Things I Want) (, )

I’m so excited that if I wasn’t at work, I’d be literally squeeing myself with joy!

Universal Studios is going to restore FIFTEEN WHOLE SILENT MOVIES! FIFTEEN! That’s way more than you would expect, because who watches silent films anymore except for me? (Well, and my daughter, because I make her.)

The only way I could be happier is if I finally finished my time machine so I could go and meet Buster Keaton.

"Hey, Buster, what's up?" I'd say. And he'd reply: "I don't understand your newfangled slang." And I'd say: "Take me, I'm yours!" And then he'd call the police, and I'd die in a jail cell in the 1920s.

“Hey, Buster, what’s up?” I’d say. And he’d reply: “I don’t understand your newfangled slang.” And I’d say: “Take me, I’m yours!” And then he’d call the police, and I’d die in a jail cell in the 1920s.

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Brightening everyone’s day with unicorn jokes!

May 28, 2015 at 9:49 am (Randomosity) ()

I lied. There’s actually only one unicorn joke that I tell, and I shared it with my boss yesterday:

“How do you catch a unicorn?”

"Well, they like virgins, right? Something to do with virgins."

“Well, they like virgins, right? Something to do with virgins.”

“How?” said my boss, looking worried.

“Unique up on it!”

“Ha ha,” he said.

“Do you get it?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you get it? It’s ’cause they both start with –”

“I get it.”

“– the same three letters.”

“I get it.”

“Uni!”

"Not the University of Northern Idaho, just, you know, uni!"

“Not the University of Northern Idaho, just, you know, uni!”

“Yeah, I got it the first time.”

“Yeah, ’cause they start with the same three letters.”

Later that same day, I shared the joke with my daughter, and this was basically her reaction.

Later that same day, I shared the joke with my daughter, and this was basically her reaction.

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