In other news, I can crack walnuts with my thighs
There are so many detestable jumping jack variations!
Squat jacks? Who came up with that? I hate them! I hate them so much!
It’s been a long time since I posted, but this will be so funny and totally worth it, I swear
So I think the character it would really suck to be is that one guy in the horror movie.
The guy! You know, the guy!
Imagine this: You’ve been fighting an unimaginable horror for years. Decades even. Sure, you’re looking a little worse for the wear. Your teeth aren’t great. You’ve got crazy hair. Hell, you’ve got total crazy eyes! But, you know, it’s hard to get spa days when you are fighting unspeakable evil.
And you are at the top of your game. You are one badass mo-fi*!
*It’s short for “monster fighter” but also a play on “mofo.” You like it? You can have it, it’s totally a gift. I’ve got plenty of these!
And then they show up. These kids nowadays with their haircuts and their premarital sex and their wandering off into the dark alone and what even kind of music is that?
And they take one look at you and decide you’re suspicious. Hell, you’re probably the weirdo responsible for killing the black guy or the sluttiest girl, whoever’s already dead by now.
But you, being the nice guy you are, explain the situation to them.
Sure, there’s maybe some ranting, possibly a bit of raving, but they have to know what sort of horrific monster they’re facing.
So, finally, they untie you or shake your hand or whatever the hell, and then boom! These idiots are attacked by the monster you’ve been battling. And the next thing you know, double boom! You’ve been decapitated or disemboweled or some godawful thing, and the kids are like “whoa man, that’s so gnarly,” and then they run away and end up beating the monster, leaving your corpse where it lies, to rot.
And that is the character I think it would suck to be.
Batwoman’s ex so stupid? How stupid is she?
I know I haven’t posted in a while! I’ve been busy (BUY MY BOOK! ha ha, just kidding. Please buy my book?) and, as usual from working in the world’s depressingest industry, just not very funny lately.
But I’m here now. To complain about Batwoman’s ex-girlfriend, Sophie.
You were always out of Sophie’s league, Batwoman.
She is just the worst at her job. She’s terrible. She lets the evil villain Alice (who is, by the way, the annoyingest villain ever and I hope they get rid of her after season 1, because I am just here to see Ruby Rose kick ass and hook up with beautiful ladies) have a copy of her Alice in Wonderland book!
Love that coat, though.
“I had it x-rayed *and a bunch of other things,” smugs Sophie. So she knows it’s harmless! But, unless you were only just born, in which case, hi! Welcome to the world!, it is OBVIOUS something bad will happen!
And, of course, something bad happens and the evil villain Alice escapes and murders two people and lets Sophie go to stew over the fact that she is closeted.
Man, Sophie, was your job really worth it when you are so very bad at it?
Then Batwoman comes bopping up and is like, “oh, Sophie, you poor thing, how do you feel?” and Sophie is like, “bad, I guess,” like her incompetence didn’t just get two people totally murdered, and ALSO, Batwoman, SHE REVEALED YOUR SECRET CODE TO YOUR EVIL FRATERNAL TWIN.
Also, I want it to be known for the record that Batwoman’s stepsister Mary is actually Batman, because she plays the role of a dizzy socialite so she can secretly help people! (As a doctor in her secret clinic, but still! BATMAN.)
You should buy my book, even Buzzfeed thinks so!
I know I never update this site! (Hi, faithful readers, whom I have ignored for SUCH A LONG TIME) But I have some really exciting news!
I’m going to have a book! A real actual for real yes it’s true book!
And BUZZFEED thinks you should read it! (They also probably think I should cool it on the exclamation points, but that’s neither here nor there.)
Anyway, you can preorder/order the book here! (It’s about murdered ladies, and isn’t funny, I’m very sorry.)
(PS: The cover art is by the amazing Sarah Shields, isn’t it gorgeous???)
The Flash and suspension of disbelief
Lately, I’ve gotten hooked on The Flash, because apparently I just want to spend my life watching CW superhero shows, why not.
Dude can run really fast? I’m in.
And I will buy just about anything it sells.
You can run fast enough to go back through time? Sure!
Travel through time AND look like Tom Cavanagh? COOL.
Also, let’s just have a Jesse L. Martin appreciation moment, shall we?
People can fuse together and become a superhero who shoots fire? I’m down with that!
You can visit the multiverse! Oh, hell, yes, of course you can!
Through one of these schnazzy glowing portals, even!
But I just cannot believe that anyone — ANYONE — would offer Iris West a job at a newspaper after reading her terrible blog. THAT WOULD NOT HAPPEN THIS SHOW IS SO FAKE.
Seriously, you do not go from inexperienced barista to investigative reporter in two episodes. I DON’T BELIEVE THIS FOR A MOMENT, SHOW.
Cobra Kai whaaaaa?
This is everything I never knew I ever wanted.
You GUYS. A Cobra Kai series? Johnny Lawrence seeking redemption for walking into the Karate Kid’s foot?
PLEASE YES SO MUCH.
“Strike first. Strike hard. No mercy.”
Story of my life, right there.
I love you, Legends of Tomorrow
So on Mondays, instead of Supergirl, the CW has been showing DC’s Legends of Tomorrow. (On a completely unrelated tangent-thingy, how weird is it that it’s THE CW and not just CW?? Wouldn’t it feel weird to say “The NBC” or “The FX”? Yet it feels right to say “The CW. Anyway!)
“The CW: So much prettier than the other stations.”
DC’s Legends of Tomorrow is far superior to Supergirl.
“Seriously, everything on this station is pretty.”
It is funny and the dialogue is a little less on the nose and just LOVE the evil villain, he is the very best thing.
“It’s evil how good I look in this fedora and/or trilby, you mean.”
Also, Brandon Routh’s character (yes, I haven’t bothered to learn the characters’ names, it’s true) is as excited to meet John Noble as I would be.
“I LOVE YOU JOHN NOBLE THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE YOU COULDN’T BE MORE AMAZING.”
Like, you guys, SO excited.
Like, they’re going to fight a time demon, change a timeline and save the universe, and he’s like, “YES BUT I MET JOHN NOBLE.”
“And have I mentioned how distractingly PRETTY we all are?”
Digging too Deeply: Rough Boy
Hi, I’m not dead!
I know, you thought I was dead, but really I was just dealing with personal issues, major surgery and severe depression. It was really fun and I’m glad all this stuff happened at the same time because it means nothing bad will happen in my life, ever again.
Ever again.
Feel free to pity the hell out of me in the comments below.
So to celebrate my return to blogging (probably as intermittently as before, I am so sorry to my faithful readers), I thought I’d talk a little about a band one of my college boyfriends tried to ruin for me.
ZZ Top.
Now those are some sharp-dressed men, amiright?
Good ol’ ZZ Top, with the gimungous beards and the sunglasses and the way they’ve looked exactly the same for, like, four decades. Good ol’ ZZ Top with Velcro Fly, AWESOME.
*makes the drum line sounds with her mouth*
And stupid ol’ college boyfriend, saying, “Oh come ON, literally ALL of their songs are about sex! Every single one has an overt sex reference! It’s RIGHT THERE.”
Well, stupid ol’ college boyfriend, here’s a little somethin’ for you: Rough Boy. It’s an unrequited love song! Where’s the overt sexual reference in that, HUH?
Let’s take a look at it, shall we?
“What in the world’s come all over me?”
…
Dammit.
“It’s the opening lyric, woman, how did you not notice?”
Why did no one tell me about this?
Why did no one tell me there is a Blade of the Immortal movie now????
There is no excuse for this! It’s inexcusable! I can’t believe no one said! *mutters incoherently*
JUST LOOK AT IT!!!!
PERFECTION!!
Supergirl sadness
Last night, my daughter broke with tradition and *sniffle* watched Supergirl at her dad’s house. Naturally, this made me very sad, as it’s “our show.”
Also, it made her dad very sad.
“This show is terrible,” he whispered as he dropped her off.
“Yes, but you’re in love with Melissa Benoist now too, right?”
“Maybe a bit,” he replied.
