A love letter to Sterling Archer
Dear Archer:
You are the best spy/private detective in the world, and I love you.
Tigers are pretty cool, too.
I love your fashion sense, your overconfidence, your ability to improvise, and the sound of your voice.
Call me, H. Jon Benjamin!
You know, literally.
So I can listen to your voice.
Of all the spies in the world, Archer, you’re my favorite, and I love you, and I really, really hope that you didn’t spoiler alert for those who haven’t seen the last season.
Anyway, Archer, provided spoiler alert didn’t happen, I want you to know: I just want you to be happy. Which is why I’m here, today, to tell you that your perfect girl is not Lana Kane, but rather Pam Poovey.
Not that I blame you, because Lana is totally bangin’.
Yes, Archer. Pam. Pam is your perfect girl. You guys have the same terrible sense of humor, the same lack of self-preservation, the same addictive personalities.
And you are so damn cute together.
Look how cute, you guys, ogling strippers together! So cute!
You see, Archer, this is where I usually make my case for myself being the perfect girl for whichever fictional character I love the most right now, but my love for you is so unselfish that I want you to be with Pam.
Now shut up and start dating Pam.
You know, providing ….
*Sob!*
My brother and I don’t have much in common
So, while my brother and his wife are in town, my daughter thought it would be fun if we spent some time together, so we ended up watching one of the best movies ever, The Princess Bride. Which my brother had never heard of before, somehow.
When it was over, he suggested, since I like The Princess Bride so much, that I should read Nicholas Sparks‘ The Notebook.
“I … can’t believe you would say that to me.”
So here’s a list of ten things that make equally as much sense as that recommendation.
1. So, you like Filet Mignon, huh? You should try this hamburger I got at McDonald’s.
They’re both made of cow parts, probably.
2. Oh, you’re a fan of Rimsky-Korsakov’s Scherezade? Have you tried listening to Meghan Trainor?
“Ugh. Yes.”
3. You enjoy Alan Moore’s Watchmen? You should check out Garfield, in the daily funnies.
4. Japan is your favorite place to visit? I’ll bet you’d love camping.
Large cities and the great outdoors have so much in common, after all!
5. Michael Phelps is your favorite competitive swimmer? I think you should give Ryan Lochte a try.
“Buh?”
… is my go-to sound effect for all Ryan Lochte photos.
6. You liked Miyazaki’s Spirited Away? You should watch The Secret Life of Pets.
7. Oh, so you’re into Grant Morrison’s Arkham Asylum? You’d probably really like Batman V. Superman.
Ha! Just kidding. Nobody liked Batman V. Superman.
8. You’re a fan of Marilyn Monroe? Have you seen Lindsay Lohan’s later works?
… And also that time she posed like Marilyn Monroe?
9. Gustav Klimt is your favorite artist? Maybe you should hang up this page I ripped out of an adult coloring book.
10. You like well-written stories that aren’t sappy, but are filled with humor and action? No, really, did I already recommend Nicholas Sparks’ The Notebook?
It’s definitely a book for someone who appreciates really good writing.
Just let Junior die, says Wyoming legislator
Omigod, you guys, I am having the hardest time coming up with post titles anymore. I swear, I’m just going to start calling things Random Post 1, Post about Anime 17, Indiana Jones is the best and Here’s Why 83.
Anyway, this post is about Gerald Gay, a Wyoming legislator, who thinks the wage gap is due to gender issues such as women using all the sick days. He says:
Historically [women] tend to take every sick day that’s available with them, and that’s a gender thing. They look at how many sick days you get in a year. Say you get 12 sick days a year. If they go for two years and they’ve only taken three sick days, they’re going to cash in the remaining 21 sick days.
He further goes on to say that women are using these sick days for frivolous things:
Women in the workforce traditionally take a disproportionate amount of their sick days off for other reasons than sick days,” he said. “They take Junior to the hospital or go see Johnny’s soccer game.”
Because damn those bitches for not just letting Junior die at home, I guess.
Seriously, Gerald Gay, you are the worst.
Coworkers and dentists suck
So my mouth is super numb from going to the dentist, and I’m having a hard time talking, and I work at a place that starts with an “M,” which is really, really hard to say, and every time I answer the phone, my damn coworker just laughs at me.
You’ll be sorry when I feel good enough to bite you with my newly perfect teeth!
I am … Tina Belcher
My daughter and I were watching old episodes of Bob’s Burgers last night, and I said: “You know, I wish I was Louise, but I think I’m more of a Bob.”
My daughter immediately replied: “You’re Tina.”
But I’m not Tina Belcher!
I mean, it’s not like I’m an oblivious nerd who writes strange stories.
“I wouldn’t say ‘oblivious.'”
It’s not like I have glasses and a bad haircut.
“Have you seen your hair?”
It’s not like I’m socially awkward and…
… Wait, is this Tina Belcher or is this me?
Oh, God, I’m Tina Belcher.
A tale of beautiful baby thieves
The Light Between Two Oceans has Michael Fassbender in it.
He is beautiful.
Also, Alicia Vikander.
She is also beautiful.
And then there’s this baby that shows up at their lighthouse, hence the title, washed up to shore in a boat with some dead dude, and they’re like: “Well, clearly, the only thing to do in this situation is not report this to the authorities and pretend the kid is ours.”
“Hey, honey, I think there’s a baby in here. We should just call dibs, right?”
Later, the baby’s mother shows up, because who wouldn’t see that coming, and then there’s supposed to be some sort of moral dilemma, but seriously, don’t just pick up random babies and then tell everybody they’re yours, you slightly-better-than-kidnappers.
For reals, guys, though, give that lady back her baby. Jeez.
Welcome back, Internet connection
Well, am I glad that hellish week of spotty Internet service is over! Or probably over. Or whatever.
Anyway, to celebrate, here’s a photo of Jessie Graff, who is the best:
I love you, Jessie!
And I’m sure once I get caught up on my work that I’ll have all sorts of funny and entertaining things to say, and definitely won’t be too depressed or something to update my blog.
Shhhh. I’m working.
A fun day at work
“Ma’am, are these comic books 50 cents?” said the woman, pointing to the box of comic books with a giant sign on it reading: “50 Cent Comic Books.”
“Yes, they are,” I replied.
“Also, maybe don’t breathe under the water, okay?”
After letting her 5- or 6-year-old son pick out a couple of comic books from the box of 50 Cent Comic Books, she brought them to the counter.
“Just so you know,” I said, “These are pretty mature books. Is it all right with you if he has them?”
“Oh, it’s not like he’ll read them, anyway,” she said.
“Comic books have pictures too,” I decided not to say.
“And I’m sure every picture in the comic book will be perfectly appropriate for a child of your son’s age.”
The greatest story ever told?
Welp, there’s a new Ben-Hur movie. Like, what was wrong with the best one?
I know you thought I meant this one …
… but clearly I’m referencing the silent classic starring Ramon Novarro!
Anyway, Morgan Freeman seems to be reprising his role from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, a movie I have now shamefully admitted that I have seen, wherein he plays the coolest character, but one who is far too black to be the main character.
Sorry, scratch that. Second coolest character.
Rest in peace, Alan Rickman, you magnificent bastard.
Also, the chariot race scene is soooo fake! Like, why not endanger some extras, huh? It’s not like they’re making enough money they can afford good lawyers for suing you! Why is it all CGI? Why is it all such obvious CGI?
“Because it’s cheaper than using real actors, duh.”
At least it doesn’t look as terrible as War Dogs, I guess.
And I know you thought I was joking earlier, but Ramon Novarro is just, like, so great.
Lyin’ Ryan rhymes, at least
Oh, Ryan Lochte.
Oh, Ryan Lochte, oh, Ryan Lochte.
You are just so stupid.
I mean, I always knew you were the stupidest Olympic swimmer of our generation, and that you tended to be a frat boy type, and that your hair looks really terrible blonde.
“Buh?”
But I never thought you would lie about getting mugged in Rio to cover up your own vandalism.
For all that’s good in this world, Ryan Lochte, you stupid, stupid man, you are 32 years old. Shouldn’t you know better by now?
God bless the New York Post, though.
