Let’s do the time loop again

January 17, 2017 at 11:51 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

So I just had an immense feeling of déjà vu, which means, of course, that I am trapped in a time loop.

... And I'm taking you all with me.

… And I’m taking you all with me.

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Speaking of TV I don’t enjoy

January 2, 2017 at 5:33 pm (Randomosity) ()

… Here’s a list of television shows I’ve been watching lately that are kind of awful.

The Great American Baking Competition. My mother and my daughter love this show about people baking stuff and then we don’t get to eat it.

And nobody even says "I'm not here to make friends," and they're all just so nice.

And nobody even says “I’m not here to make friends,” and they’re all just so nice.

Ransom. I watched what was clearly the first episode of this paint-by-numbers procedural last night because I think I’m suicidal or something, seriously, why didn’t I do anything else? And at the end, it was all like: “New episodes! Saturday evening, where TV shows go to die!” So clearly CBS thinks as highly of it as I did.

This show couldn't be more mediocre if it tried.

This show couldn’t be more mediocre if it tried.

Some procedural on ABC that has Iceman or his twin brother in it, and I can’t even bother to remember the name of it. It’s some show about how they try to save people from execution, I think? And they were trying to get this girl who murdered her rapist out of prison? And then it turned out she wasn’t the real murderer? And I was like, “Um, it’s obviously the rape counselor?” And 20 minutes later, the characters were like, “Oh, it’s obviously the rape counselor?”

I know you thought I was joking, but I literally can't remember and don't care about the name of this show.

I know you thought I was joking, but I literally can’t remember and don’t care about the name of this show.

To Tell the Truth. This actually had a Soul Train dancer and a Solid Gold dancer show up, so, by default, it is the best thing I have watched on television lately.

... I should probably just try to watch old episodes of Soul Train.

… I should probably just try to watch old episodes of Soul Train.

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Abominable is a good word, though

January 2, 2017 at 5:02 pm (Randomosity) (, , )

Sherlock Series 4 started yesterday! But I didn’t see it, because PBS has decided to stop working on my television, and I didn’t get around to streaming the new episode in a totally legal manner, so I decided to review last year’s Christmas special instead.

Insert pithy remark about Benedict Cumberbatch's cheekbones here.

Insert pithy remark about Benedict Cumberbatch’s cheekbones here.

I probably should have reviewed last year’s Christmas special last year, but why don’t you get a blog and I’ll tell you how to run it.

No, I'm sorry, guys. I'll stop taking out my writing issues on you.

No, I’m sorry, guys. I’ll stop taking out my writing issues on you.

Anyway, the Sherlock Christmas Special is called “The Abominable Bride” or somesuch, because I can’t be arsed to look it up. It’s set in Victorian England, because Holmes has gotten his hands on a time machine. Alternately, he did a lot of drugs and is in his mind palace, which is a conceit that is really beginning to wear on me.

I mean, by season 3, everybody and their DOG had a mind palace.

I mean, by season 3, everybody and their DOG had a mind palace.

So in Victorian England, Holmes and Watson are trying to solve the case of the suicidal bride who kills her husband after she’s already dead. Along the way, we meet the Victorian England versions of our favorite Sherlock characters. Lestrade has some incredible mutton chops. Molly Hooper, the cute morgue girl, is disguised as a dude, and Holmes totally can’t tell that she’s not a dude, because he is the worst Best Detective Ever ever.

"Seriously, you are an awful detective."

“Seriously, you are an awful detective.”

Mrs. Hudson is Mrs. Hudson is a retro dress, and John’s Annoying Wife is still there.

Although not for long, am I right? Spoiler alert for season 4, suckers!

Although not for long, am I right? Spoiler alert for season 4, suckers!

The dead bride keeps killing dudes, which is spooooooky, except it turns out it’s a conspiracy of ladies, and then that whole plot line of STOP IGNORING WOMEN DAMMIT gets totally dropped.

"Soooo ... can you figure out how to write our way out of this one?" "Let's just say it was all in Holmes's mind and call it a day, shall we?" "Let's do."

“Soooo … can you figure out how to write our way out of this one?”
“Let’s just say it was all in Holmes’s mind and call it a day, shall we?”
“Let’s do.”

Then Moriarty shows up and is annoying, and then he and Holmes fight on a waterfall, because why not beat The Final Problem like a dead horse, and then Holmes jumps off the waterfall and it’s totally the end of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, and then we’re back in London and sexism is solved, forever.

"WHEEEEEEEEEE."

“WHEEEEEEEEEE.”

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Goddamn this year

December 27, 2016 at 12:10 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , , )

Okay, so it’s not bad enough that 2016 took David Bowie and Prince and Muhammad Ali and George Michael and a bunch of other awesome people, in addition to giving us President-Elect Trump (seriously, 2016, you’re a bastard). But now it had to take CARRIE FISHER?

CARRIE FISHER?

Princess Leia?

Damn all of this. Carrie Fisher, you were a beautiful and funny lady, and you will be missed so much.

I salute you, General Leia.

I salute you, General Leia.

 

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Stuff that bugs my mom right now

December 22, 2016 at 2:21 pm (Randomosity) ()

My mom gets really irritated when I describe a white person as being white, so I like to do it every chance I get.

"You know, Mom, that famous actor? I forget his name, but he's white? A white famous actor?"

“You know, Mom, that famous actor? I forget his name, but he’s white? A white famous actor?”

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Steel, Men of

December 14, 2016 at 10:07 am (Randomosity) ()

Because I am actually a 12-year-old boy, when I saw the sign on my drive home last night advertising “Steel Erection,” I immediately thought of Superman.

Because, he's, you know, ha, ha, the Man of Steel?

Because, he’s, you know, ha, ha, the Man of Steel?

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I hate Audition: a book review

December 7, 2016 at 2:52 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, )

I don’t usually review books on this blog, because I’ve been mostly reading biographies of silent movie stars and Depression-era criminals, so why would you guys care, right?

I still find Alvin Karpis very interesting, and would love for someone to do a good biography on him.

I still find Alvin Karpis very interesting, and would love for someone to do a good biography on him.

But I decided to delve into Japanese literature, except, you know, translations, because the only word I can read in Japanese is “bizu,” which means bead, and looks like a guy sitting down throwing a ball to a guy running with his arms behind him.

I mean, you guys see it too, right?

I mean, you guys see it too, right?

So I read Audition by Ryu Murakami. It’s a short book, around 127 pages or so, which means it’s not like I wasted more than a couple hours of my time (I read really fast, and by the end, I was skimming because I was like UGH WHEN IS THE NARRATOR GOING TO GET MURDERED ALREADY).

The crazy murder chick didn't even show up until about a third of the way through, and I was hoping at least he'd get hit by a bus by then.

The crazy murder chick didn’t even show up until about a third of the way through, and I was hoping at least he’d get hit by a bus by then.

But I still wasted my time.

The gist of the story is that this jerk-ass piece of crap Aoyama has been widowed for seven years. He cheated on his wife, but she was a real classy lady, so she didn’t mind. Then she died, but, being a real classy lady, she died quickly and without complaint. So obviously she was A CARDBOARD CUTOUT AND NOT A REAL PERSON AT ALL. Like, Jesus, Murakami-san, I get that she’s not all that relevant to the plot, but she was so obviously fake.

Anyway, this cheating asshole Aoyama has this wonderful teenage son (whom he never spent time with before his wife’s death, but then he does, and they totally bond and whatever) who says: “Hey, dad, why don’t you get married again?”

This section felt a little text-heavy, so here's a picture of the version I read.

This section felt a little text-heavy, so here’s a picture of the version I read.

So then Aoyama and this friend of his decide to fake a movie and hold auditions for the role of the main character, who coincidentally has all the traits Aoyama would want in a wife (those traits being 1) classically trained in some art or another; 2) being cool with his cheating; 3) dying without complaint).

So he finds this chick whose name I’ve already forgotten, and Aoyama falls head over heels for her because she is 1) like, 20 years younger than him; 2) the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen; 3) seems to match all his criteria for spousedom.

So they start dating, and everybody’s like, “I don’t know, there’s something odd about this chick,” even though she never does anything odd, it’s just this vibe they pick up on, but Aoyama’s like, “whatever, guys, she’s HOT,” and then finally in the last couple of pages she stalks him and tries to cut off his feet.

BUT SHE DOESN’T KILL HIM. She kills the dog.

AND THE DOG WAS THE BEST ONE!

AND THE DOG WAS THE BEST ONE!

Then his damn son comes home and rescues him by stabbing her in the throat. And then the book is over.

I think we were supposed to be worried for Aoyama's well-being, but I was hoping he would die from blood loss because he was SUCH A JERK.

I think we were supposed to be worried for Aoyama’s well-being, but I was hoping he would die from blood loss because he was SUCH A JERK.

So I guess if you like a long, dull buildup to a jerk WHO DOESN’T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO GET MURDERED and two-dimensional female characters and male characters being all, “Jeez, why aren’t there more beautiful, classy women for us sexist pigs to cheat on our long-suffering wives with?” then this is the book for you.

And also the movie. And also I think your taste is suspect.

And also the movie. And also I think your taste is suspect.

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When parallel universes collide

December 7, 2016 at 10:23 am (Randomosity)

So, today, my comic book store boss and my funeral home boss will meet for the first time.

So when the universe implodes, I just want you guys to know I am so, so sorry.

So when the universe implodes, I just want you guys to know I am so, so sorry.

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Notify this!

December 2, 2016 at 12:26 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, , , )

So I’ve been looking for the perfect notification alert. The one that encapsulates, you know, me. My essence.

I started with Gunter’s “wenk wenk” from Adventure Time.

"Actually, I sound like a goose."

“Actually, I sound like a bit like a goose.”

I tried the opening from Cowboy Bebop’s Tank!. (No, the exclamation point is really in the song title.)

3 2 1, Let's Jam!

3 2 1, Let’s Jam!

I gave the Knights Who say “Ni” saying “Ni!” a go.

On my phone, "Ni!" sounds more like *fart noise*.

On my phone, “Ni!” sounds more like *fart noise*.

Anyway, now I’ve got the sound of Pacman dying.

Eh, close enough.

Eh, close enough.

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Moana wasn’t terrible

November 30, 2016 at 11:02 am (Randomosity) (, , , , , , )

… although this post title is.

“Your post title is bad, and you’re bad.”

Hi, everybody! I’m not dead or even in a coma, but it has been very busy at work, and also I did Thanksgiving (you guys should try my mashed potatoes with caramelized onions, because they are so good), so Internetting has been about the last thing on my mind.

But I’m back, and I’m sorry, and I went to Moana with my daughter last weekend, because sometimes she makes me go to Disney movies. (I guess our only other option was the new Harry Potter minus Harry Potter thing, but, then again, Eddie Redmayne is really pretty.)

I HAVE A THING FOR PEOPLE WITH HIGH CHEEKBONES, OKAY?

I HAVE A THING FOR PEOPLE WITH HIGH CHEEKBONES, OKAY?

So, Moana! Here’s some things I love about it:

  1. Casting actual Pacific Islanders to voice-act. That’s cool.
  2. The song the crab sings.
  3. Dwayne Johnson is finally the sexiest man alive, like, jeez, what took so long? Were you waiting for him to not be alive?
  4. Auli’i Cravalho has a gorgeous voice.

Also, the plot was fine, and I’m pretty sure they got the Maui myth about right (I’m sorry, but I’m not as up on my Pacific Island mythology/folklore as I should be!), and the stupid chicken was even stupider than the chicken I had when I was a kid, so that was good.

Makes you feel pretty okay with eating 'em.

Makes you feel pretty okay about eating ’em.

My daughter says it was really good and you should go watch it, and I’ll just say: Yeah, it was fine.

Look,

Look, “I didn’t hate it” is high praise for a Disney flick from me.

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