Why did no one tell me about this?

November 7, 2017 at 3:07 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, )

Why did no one tell me there is a Blade of the Immortal movie now????

There is no excuse for this! It’s inexcusable! I can’t believe no one said! *mutters incoherently*

JUST LOOK AT IT!!!!
PERFECTION!!

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Supergirl sadness

November 7, 2017 at 11:10 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, )

Last night, my daughter broke with tradition and *sniffle* watched Supergirl at her dad’s house. Naturally, this made me very sad, as it’s “our show.”

Also, it made her dad very sad.

“This show is terrible,” he whispered as he dropped her off.

“Yes, but you’re in love with Melissa Benoist now too, right?”
“Maybe a bit,” he replied.

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Another request from my daughter

November 2, 2017 at 10:41 am (Randomosity) ()

“Oh, I thought that guy standing on the side of the road was an ostrich,” I said. “Hmmm, now I want to write a story about fighting an ostrich.”

“You don’t have to say every single thing you think of, you know,” my daughter replied.

This ostrich says I should just write that story, though.

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Best Belchers from Bob’s Burgers

October 27, 2017 at 2:09 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , , , )

Here is a list of my favorite Belchers, in order from least favorite to favorite, because I’m sure you care.

5. Coming in fifth is Gene, the least essential Belcher. He likes farts and being annoying (and who doesn’t?), but … yeah. He’s fine. Just … fine.

And I’m sorry, but I’m just not down with lazy musicians. PRACTICE MORE, Gene.

4. Linda. Linda Belcher. I appreciate her enthusiasm, but I’m also deeply annoyed by her enthusiasm.

Although, lately I have been saying “All right” in a Linda voice….

3. Tina. Tina’s cool, I guess. I mean, apparently I AM Tina, so I guess I like her? I love her little tube socks with the skirt look she’s got going, that’s something.

Hmmm. Easy Halloween costume or easi-EST Halloween costume?

2. Oh, you thought Louise would be my number-one pick, didn’t you! Because Louise is wonderful and trickster-y and cute bunny ears-wearing and I want to marry her when she grows up! Yes! She is all those things and more. But…

“Yeah, what? Are you sure? This doesn’t seem right.”

1. Bob Belcher is my dream boy. He is voice by H. Jon Benjamin, he has a hamburger restaurant, that ridiculous mustache and God bless him, he tries so damn hard. I love you always, Bob!

“Here, have a hamburger,” he says dreamily, in H. Jon Benjamin’s voice.

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A request from my daughter

October 5, 2017 at 9:53 am (Randomosity)

“Mom, please stop saying ‘check out these guns.'”

“Not gonna happen, honey, sorry.”
*Kisses bicep*

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Welcome back, me!

October 5, 2017 at 9:51 am (Randomosity)

*Ahem*

Taps microphone, blushes, asks “is this thing on?”

Helllloooo, everybody! I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you. I’ve been dealing with some health issues and just did NOT have it in me to be funny. It was awful, you guys! Everything was so dead serious and not funny and I HATED IT.

Tragically, I wasn’t nearly this photogenic and pensive.

But while I was gone, I started working out a lot.

And now, you guys, I am RIPPED.

SO. RIPPED.

And I just wanted to share that with you and also say “CHECK OUT THESE GUNS.”

This is me now, basically. Except for the awesome hair. And also standing like that would throw out my back. And I don’t have a rope. And I would look RIDICULOUS in this costume. And….

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Just take some melatonin already, you idiot

September 8, 2017 at 10:01 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, )

So I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately. (Well, more trouble than usual, I mean.) To remedy that, I’ve started drinking more.

“I am so relaxed right now!”

Studies say: drinking more doesn’t help you sleep.

I say: To hell with that! I’m different from everybody in your studies! I’m sure I will sleep better after I have all the vodka and the whiskey!

Pictured here: My dinner.

In conclusion, I’m so very sleepy and also out of vodka and whiskey.

Also, for some reason, I have a headache and my stomach hurts? Weird, huh?

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Airplane movies

August 16, 2017 at 10:22 am (Randomosity) (, , , , , , , , )

So here’s the thing. I love Japan, but I hate flying there. Luckily for me, the airplane was playing one of the best movies of our, or indeed ANY, generation.

That movie is The Fate of the Furious. It’s, like, the 27th Fast and the Furious movie or something, I don’t know. And I don’t care, because it is wonderful.

I mean a submarine tries to kill cars! How is that not the greatest?

It’s got The Rock and he is constantly lifting people up and throwing them and also he somehow throws a moving torpedo with his bare hands?

“It is literally impossible for me to shrug.”

It’s got Michelle Rodriguez and her rippling biceps and the totally fakey way she gets her car to do stuff.

You can bench press me any time, Michelle. *winks*

It’s got Jason Statham doing, like, a ballet sequence with shooting.

“One two jete, one two plie….”

It’s got Charlize Theron in the awfulest wig ever.

If this is her real hair, please don’t say and ruin Charlize Theron for me.

It’s got Helen Mirren.

“Helen, you are the amazingest, sexiest woman in this movie, and that’s saying a lot, because have you seen Michelle and Charlize?”

And, best of best: Kurt Russell is there.

Being awesome, as Kurt Russell does.

So it is the best movie ever! The plot is something like Vin Diesel has teamed up with Charlize Theron’s wig to do bad things, and then The Rock has to throw people at him and Michelle Rodriguez has to be badass and Jason Statham has to dance, and whatever the other characters are doing.

But who cares because THE ROCK PICKS UP SO MANY PEOPLE AND THROWS THEM.

For God’s sake, just pick up Vin Diesel and throw him already!!

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Countdown to Japan

July 26, 2017 at 3:10 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) ()

So it’s less than a week till my daughter and I leave for Japan, and my mother is getting a little cranky.

“I’d’ve gone if you’d invited me,” she said.

“Uh, yeah, that’s what we were afraid of,” I said.

Ha, ha, in your face, Mom, enjoy your time NOT in Japan!

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Another perfectly reasonable question – daughter version

July 18, 2017 at 10:13 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

“Why do you say you would die for me, but then run away and leave me behind when the wasps come?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you, I’m too busy running from all these wasps!”

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