Everybody likes my story about marrying a giraffe

May 27, 2016 at 3:09 pm (Randomosity) (, )

So now my story “Your Stepfather, the Giraffe” has made the longlist of Wigleaf’s Top 50 Very Short Fictions (2016).

Which is to say, it’s not in the top 50, but it was in, like, the top 100 or something. (Counting is hard. No, YOU shut up.)

Anyway, it’s a big honor, and I’m super happy, and I like giraffes more than I ever did before.

Hey, you know, you guys are all right.

Hey, you know, you guys are all right by me.

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This is the right-wingiest town, I swear

May 26, 2016 at 4:29 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, )

So the largest venue in my town expects a full house for Trump’s visit. They’re expecting it to be the fullest the place has ever been, except for once during another politician’s visit in the 1980s.

Of course. Of course it was.

Of course. Of course it was.

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Congrats, Nyle DiMarco

May 25, 2016 at 10:14 am (Randomosity) (, , )

I have never watched Dancing With the Stars before. But I did watch the most recent season of America’s Next Top Model, even though I’d managed to stop for a few seasons, I came back, I loved it, and I am ashamed.

And then it got canceled, and I was like, Thank God, I'll finally stop watching it, but now another station has picked it up! Someone save me from this!

And then it got canceled, and I was like, Thank God, I’ll finally stop watching it, but now another station has picked it up! Someone save me from this!

Anyway, Nyle DiMarco was named America’s Next Top Model, because, well, LOOK AT HIM:

Now, if it's possible, STOP looking at him and continue reading.

Now, if it’s possible, STOP looking at him and continue reading.

In addition to being sculpted from God’s favorite things, DiMarco is also deaf, so when my Nyle DiMarco-obsessed family discovered he was going to be on Dancing With the Stars, we had to watch because we wondered: How is a deaf man going to manage dancing when he can’t hear the music?

The answer is: With grace, skill and a whole lotta shirtlessness.

So much shirtlessness.

"Mom, stop laughing in that creepy way," my daughter said. "I don't think I can," I replied.

“Mom, stop laughing in that creepy way,” my daughter said.
“I don’t think I can,” I replied.

Anyway, because Nyle DiMarco is awesome, he won Dancing With the Stars, and a place in my heart.

Yeah. Heart. That's the place.

Yeah. Heart. That’s the place.

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A “Whatever Happened To…?” update

May 25, 2016 at 9:20 am (Whatever happened to ...?) ()

So, a few years back, I wondered what happened to Mia Sara, the beautiful actress from Legend and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

Well, it turns out, now she’s a flash fiction writer, like me!

We're, like, practically twins or something!

We’re, like, practically twins or something!

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Eh, but spelling doesn’t matter, right?

May 20, 2016 at 1:57 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

So we’re helping a family that couldn’t remember how to spell the name of the town where their loved one was born. They were pretty far off at first, but they got close enough eventually that I was able to google the place and find the correct spelling, which we would then use in the obituary and death certificate.

Upon telling them the correct spelling, the daughter replied: “Well, I don’t know. Should we use that spelling?”

"Meh. Why bother?"

“Meh. Why bother?”

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Digging too Deeply: Me Too

May 18, 2016 at 11:28 am (I Overanalyze Song Lyrics) (, , )

Lately, my daughter has been listening to a lot of terrible pop music. I assume it’s her father’s influence, because I only like things that are good, like Battlefield Baseball and the scene in Evil Dead 2 where you can see the rope holding up Bruce Campbell.

I also really like the part where he traps his possessed hand under a bucket and weights it down with a copy of Hemingway's "A Farewell to Arms."

I also really like the part where he traps his possessed hand under a bucket and weights it down with a copy of Hemingway’s “A Farewell to Arms.”

Anyway, the song my daughter likes now is this total earworm by Meghan Trainor, Me Too, so I thought, hey, while it’s stuck in my head for the rest of my life, why not analyze the lyrics, huh?

We should also probably analyze the mind of the person who came up with those costumes.

We should also probably analyze the mind of the person who came up with those costumes.

So we’ll do just that.

Who’s that sexy thing I see over there?
That’s me, standin’ in the mirror
What’s that icy thing hangin’ ’round my neck?
That’s gold, show me some respect

This is an odd little beginning, because I think Meghan Trainor is looking at herself in the mirror while wearing a gold necklace, and she is talking to herself. And she is disrespecting herself while doing so.

"Bitch, why ya gotta be disrespectin' me?"

“Bitch, why ya gotta be disrespectin’ me?”

I thank God every day
That I woke up feelin’ this way
And I can’t help lovin’ myself
And I don’t need nobody else, nuh uh

Yes, she is definitely alone.

Just me and my giraffe hoody, against the world!

Just me and my giraffe hoody, against the world!

If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too

And here, she’s speaking to a hypothetical “you,” telling them that she understands their desire to be her, because she is awesome. So awesome that she has to say she would wanna be herself too SIX TIMES.

"I should really probably fire my stylist, though."

“I should really probably fire my stylist, though.”

I walk in like a dime piece
I go straight to V.I.P.
I never pay for my drinks
My entourage behind me
My life’s a movie, Tom Cruise
So bless me, baby, achoo
And even if they tried to
They can’t do it like I do

Here, I had to turn to Google, because I am an old person, and when I saw “dime piece,” I thought it meant “dime bag,” and we were talking weed all of a sudden. But it turns out that a dime piece is just a really sexy woman. So Meghan Trainor (who, you might remember, is conversing with a reflection of herself) asserts here that she walks into places like one fine piece of tail (see? old person talk, right there.), heading straight to the important person section, where her drinks are all free (or at least billed to her accountant), with an entourage behind her.

For your viewing pleasure: These. A thing that exists.

For your viewing pleasure: These. A thing that exists.

Then I think she has a seizure or something, because the next section is a bit of a mess: “My life’s a movie, Tom Cruise, So bless me, baby, achoo.” What the hell does that even mean?

"Sometimes even I sneeze too?"

“Sometimes even I sneeze too?”

Then she reminds us that she is awesome, and we should all be so lucky as to be her:

I thank God every day
That I woke up feelin’ this way
And I can’t help lovin’ myself
And I don’t need nobody else, nuh uh

If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too

Again, SIX TIMES.

Meghan Trainor then invites us to turn the bass up …

(Turn the bass up)
Turn the bass up
(Turn the bass up)
Let’s go!

… which seems like a good idea, because these lyrics are seriously just the worst.

Although it might just be a callback to her earlier, equally annoying song.

Although it might just be a callback to her earlier, equally annoying song.

The song wraps up with this sentiment once again:

I thank God every day
That I woke up feelin’ this way
And I can’t help lovin’ myself
And I don’t need nobody else, nuh uh

If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too

That’s TWELVE TIMES. TWELVE TIMES that Meghan Trainor says she’d want to be herself too, were she someone else. You know what that’s called? That’s called overcompensation. So Meghan Trainor isn’t really saying “you should aspire to be me, because I am awesome,” she is saying “my life is terrible ever since I sold out to The Man, I’m so lonely and my self-esteem is suffering, please won’t someone see this as the cry for help that it is?”

Either that, or she’s actually saying: “I’m too famous to bother memorizing lyrics, so let’s just go with this, okay?”

You know, she looks, just, so tired. It's probably the first one. Poor Meghan Trainor.

You know, she looks, just, so tired. It’s probably the first one. Poor Meghan Trainor.

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A love letter to Audrey Horne

May 17, 2016 at 11:02 am (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , , )

Dear Audrey Horne,

You are my perfect girl. You’re the kind of girl that, were we to hook up, people would look at us together and be all: “Man, why is Audrey Horne slumming so hard?”

"Just working out some self-esteem issues. You know."

“Just working out some self-esteem issues. You know.”

And that is my dream, Audrey Horne. To be the girl that people would slum for. Or slum with. Or whatever is grammatically correct.

"I'd say I care, but I'm really slumming here."

“I’d say I care, but I’m really slumming here.”

Because, Audrey Horne, I mean, you’re beautiful, right? You’re so beautiful. You’re short, dark and gorgeous. I could look at you for hours, I swear.

Or, you know, days, probably.

Or, you know, days, probably.

And, Audrey Horne, you are, like, so rich. I mean, just so rich. You’re even richer than my rich relatives, who are currently building a house with four fireplaces, like I live in a place that doesn’t even have one fireplace, I can’t imagine being rich enough to have four! And you are richer than that!

I wish I had a fireplace. I'm just so damn chilly all the time.

I wish I had a fireplace. I’m just so damn chilly all the time.

Also, you have great taste in men, because, like me, you believe that Agent Dale “Coop” Cooper is the perfect boy, and the last few episodes of Twin Peaks never happened, no dating guys who tuck their sweaters into their pants for you.

Although I kind of feel like if Coop was so great, he would have waited for you and then hooked up like mad.

Although I kind of feel like if Coop was so great, he would have waited for you and then hooked up like mad.

So look me up, Audrey Horne! Or I’ll look you up! Or I’ll watch the new Twin Peaks, but probably not, because it seems like such a bad idea, I don’t know.

I mean, Season Two got just soooo terrible, and nostalgia isn't a good enough reason to bring back a TV show, but maybe it'll be good, I can't decide....

I mean, Season Two got just soooo terrible, and nostalgia isn’t a good enough reason to bring back a TV show, I’m looking at you, The X-Files, but maybe it’ll be good, I can’t decide….

Anyway, you’re gorgeous! Love you!

And might I reiterate: Stupid Coop. Stupid, stupid Coop.

And might I reiterate: Stupid Coop. Stupid, stupid Coop.

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Announcing the new Han Solo, like I care

May 11, 2016 at 9:11 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, , , )

So Disney has cast Alden Ehrenreich to play young Han Solo, like anyone cares who they cast to play young Han Solo if they didn’t bother to invent a time machine and bring a confused (but game!) young Harrison Ford to the future.

"Time travel?" he'd say. "Sure, I can work with that."

“Time travel?” he’d say. “Sure, I can work with that.”

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Veronica Mars vs. Liv Moore

May 5, 2016 at 10:20 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , , , )

The titular blondes of two Rob Thomas series (hey, iZombie is titular enough, plus I hardly ever get to use the word “titular,” so file it under creative license, durnit), Veronica Mars and Liv Moore have several things in common. Like being blonde or something. Snarky, maybe.

Veronica Mars: titular.

Veronica Mars: titular.

iZombie: Slightly less titular.

iZombie: Slightly less titular.

Anyway, which one do I prefer?

We’ll find out … in this fictional character battle!

Physicality. Veronica Mars is cute as a button and, despite her shortness, has legs that go on for days. Liv Moore is also cute as a button, working the whole goth girl thing. Winner? Despite my love of Kristen Bell, I have to say that I’m kind of into Liv’s pastiness. Liv Moore.

Blonde goths have more fun, or something.

Blonde goths have more fun, or something.

Punnier name? Veronica Mars is a cool name. It just rolls right off the tongue. But Olivia “Liv” Moore began living more (ha! so punny!) once she became a zombie. Winner? Liv Moore.

"I've never felt so alive! Also: BRAAAAAAINS."

“I’ve never felt so alive! Also: BRAAAAAAINS.”

Solves more crimes? Veronica Mars is an amateur detective who solves literally TONS of crimes (not literally). She even solves her best friend’s murder! Liv Moore is an assistant medical examiner who helps the police solve murders. Winner? It’s a tie!

Solves more crimes using plain old detective work? The truth is, Liv Moore helps solve crimes through the power of being a zombie. That’s right! She gets psychic flashes and memories from the brains of murder victims she’s eaten! While handy, that’s totally cheating. Veronica Mars has never eaten another human’s brain in her life. As far as I know. Winner? Veronica Mars.

"Hello. I'm here to solve crimes and have awesome hair."

“Hello. I’m here to solve crimes and have awesome hair.”

Better new best friend? After Veronica Mars’ first best friend Lilly Kane is brutally murdered, Veronica Mars befriends the awesome Wallace Fennel, and they become BFF for double-ever. After Liv Moore turns into a zombie, she ditches her old life to work in the morgue, where she befriends Ravi Chakrabarti, the most wonderful person to ever exist. He’s British, he’s tall, he loves Star Wars — oh, and he’s totally down with Liv’s zombieness and is working on a cure. Also, he saves her life a couple of times. Also, he prevents the zombie apocalypse a lot. Winner? Liv Moore.

He doesn't even need hair this good.

He doesn’t even need hair this good.

Better old best friend? Lilly Kane, Veronica Mars’ first best friend, was a super-cool girl who did what she wanted, when she wanted, who she wanted. Which ultimately led to her getting her brains bashed in, but was probably a lot of fun up till that point. Liv Moore’s first best friend is Peyton Charles, who is probably the hottest person in the universe. She’s a DA, she can drink everybody under the table and, once she finds out about Liv’s zombieism, she’s eventually pretty cool with it. Winner? Liv Moore.

Peyton is so hot, y'all.

Peyton is so hot, y’all.

Better love interest? Veronica Mars’ was in love with her best friend’s brother, Blandguy Kane, whose name I always struggle to remember. Luckily, she came to her senses and hooked up with bad boy Logan Echolls, because they are soul mates (unless he tries to come between her and BFF Wallace, in which case he should be kicked straight to the curbside). Logan is bad because he’s tortured, man. He’s, like, sensitive, but so bad. Liv Moore’s ex-fiance is Major Lillywhite, which is an even dumber name than Liv Moore, and do you suppose she would have taken his last name if they had gotten married? Then she’d be Liv Lillywhite, which is just too much alliteration! And I love alliteration, because it’s easy! Liv has experimented with dating some dude zombies, but it never seemed to work out, so she’s probably destined to be with Major. Winner? Veronica Mars, because who doesn’t love a sensitive bad boy?

So sensitive! So bad! *Sighhhh*

So sensitive! So bad!
*Sighhhh*

Bigger badass? Veronica Mars will tazer the hell out of you if she has to. For a tiny little person, she’s also pretty good at hand to hand combat. And when worst comes to worst, she’s always got Backup — her dog, who will rip your throat out with his adorable teeth. However, Liv Moore will literally eat your brains if she has to. She is a zombie. Winner? Liv Moore.

Overall winner? Liv Moore, because apparently I like zombies more than teen girl detectives. Who knew, right?

I mean, other than all my previous posts about zombies, of course.

I mean, other than all my previous posts about zombies, of course.

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Sometimes it snows in April, like he said

April 29, 2016 at 9:36 am (Randomosity) (, )

Yesterday, it snowed here.

Anyway, I will always love "Batdance."

Anyway, I will always love “Batdance.” We’ll miss you, you talented sumbitch.

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