A guy I ran into at my part-time job this weekend revealed to me that he had voted for Trump. He didn’t mind the white supremacists and neo-Nazis advising the president, he said, because at least they’d protect us from the Muslims.
He works at a fast food restaurant, and it is so bad there, he said, that they can no longer just stick the bacon and the hamburger meat together. BECAUSE OF THE MUSLIMS!
I waited for more.
But there wasn’t more. That was all. That was why he hates Muslims.
Dear Colonel Broyles (from the alternate universe),
When I first watched Fringe, my crush was on Peter Bishop (and also I love Walter). Now that I’m older (holy crap, you guys, Fringe has been off the air for FOUR YEARS HOW AM I SO OLD YET LOOK SO GOOD?), my affections have turned to you.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with our universe’s Agent Broyles, who is awesome and never commits treason and wears great suits.
But you, Colonel Broyles (from the alternate universe): You wear those tight little black shirts and I say to my daughter I think he has to hold his arms like that because of his muscles, oh my god, can I please go to the other universe?
(My daughter still likes Peter best, though, which is understandable. Reasonable, even.)
You, Colonel Broyles (from the alternate universe), are a devoted father, willing to sacrifice almost anything (not two universes, thank goodness) for your adorable son.
I love you, and I think we should get married.
You know, once you’re out of prison for all the treason you committed for your adorable son.
So, you guys! You guys! I’ve got some very talented writer friends. There’s the lovely BrikHaus and the equally lovely Michael Ampersant. And they’ve both published books, and they’re super good and you should read them!
… Here’s the caveat, though. They’re both genre books, so if you’re not into literary erotica or dystopian satire, then maybe don’t read them. But maybe recommend them to your friends who are into those kinds of books, because they are really good. And I’m not just saying that ’cause I love these guys.
Or I am, because I love them because they’re both funny, talented writers.
Another caveat: These are both self-published books, but here’s the thing — they were self-published by writers who actually know a bit about editing. (I’m looking at you, sloppily-written Barker Gang book I regret purchasing.) They’re both, if you spring for the paperback rather than the Kindle version, nicely made, professional books. (I’m really enjoying using the word caveat today.)
Anyway, here’s a rundown of what to love about these books.
Green Eyes, which I’m linking to again, is a witty love story/crime story/plenty of sex of, like, all kinds story/just a lot of fun story. It’s written in a literary style with a slightly unreliable narrator.
Safety Nation, which again I’m linking to again (yes I know that made no sense), is set in a horrific future where the government actually cares about our health and safety, but, being the government, they take it too far. As usual.
Anyway, you should give these books a try, even though I am a terrible reviewer, because they’re good books by good folks. And I hear there’s sequels in the works, so (insert smiley face here).
“You won’t like this one,” my daughter said. “She’s caught in a time loop.”
She was talking about Before I Fall, which I probably wouldn’t like anyway, because, ugh, who wants to watch movies about teenagers and their problems?
Of course, in Before I fall, it’s one of those time loops where she can escape it if she just becomes a better person, like, no, that’s not how time loops work. They just loop and loop and loop …
… and now I need a hug and a stiff drink.
The headline in the newspaper read: “Protestors support suspended host,” but this is more accurate: “Racist not wrong to say racist things, other racists say.”
This weekend, my daughter and I saw The Lego Batman Movie. This was to make up for that time I promised her we would go see The Lego Movie, but secretly I didn’t want to, and then we never saw it. She likes to remind me of that from time to time, and also that lying is wrong.
Anyway, I don’t know how The Lego Movie is, but The Lego Batman Movie is very cute. Their little Lego bodies are cute. Their little Lego faces are cute. The references to various movie villains is super-cute, because AWWWWW THEIR SAURON IS MADE OF LEGOS IT IS SO CUTE.
I’ve heard people describe The Lego Batman Movie as the best Batman movie ever, because those silly guys clearly aren’t familiar with this work of staggering genius, and also my personal fave from the late ’80s.
I mean, it’s got a pretty potent storyline (Lego Batman is afraid of losing people, probably because he has lost Legos in the carpet before and then stepped on them with his bare feet), but the best Batman movie ever?
It doesn’t even have Batdance!
Q. Why Great Wall you guys?
A. Because why not take everything I would love in a modern movie — action, monsters, an attractive Asian cast — and toss a steaming pile of Matt Damon right on in there?
So, after silencing Senator Elizabeth Warren because apparently it’s really, really mean to read a letter from Martin Luther King Jr.’s wife that points out that a racist is indeed a racist, Montana Senator Steve “It’s Short For Steven, But Not That Short” Daines is appealing for campaign donations because he was brave enough to tell a lady to shut up.
I can only imagine the plea for donations goes something like this: “Donate to me, Steve Daines! I’ll keep those uppity women and black people in their places!!”
I keep getting this spam in my work e-mail that says: “What did Trump have that Hillary didn’t?”
And I’m like: “Uh, duh, a penis?”