A request from my daughter
“Mom, please stop saying ‘check out these guns.'”
“Not gonna happen, honey, sorry.”
*Kisses bicep*
Welcome back, me!
*Ahem*
Taps microphone, blushes, asks “is this thing on?”
Helllloooo, everybody! I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you. I’ve been dealing with some health issues and just did NOT have it in me to be funny. It was awful, you guys! Everything was so dead serious and not funny and I HATED IT.
Tragically, I wasn’t nearly this photogenic and pensive.
But while I was gone, I started working out a lot.
And now, you guys, I am RIPPED.
SO. RIPPED.
And I just wanted to share that with you and also say “CHECK OUT THESE GUNS.”
This is me now, basically. Except for the awesome hair. And also standing like that would throw out my back. And I don’t have a rope. And I would look RIDICULOUS in this costume. And….
Just take some melatonin already, you idiot
So I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately. (Well, more trouble than usual, I mean.) To remedy that, I’ve started drinking more.
“I am so relaxed right now!”
Studies say: drinking more doesn’t help you sleep.
I say: To hell with that! I’m different from everybody in your studies! I’m sure I will sleep better after I have all the vodka and the whiskey!
Pictured here: My dinner.
In conclusion, I’m so very sleepy and also out of vodka and whiskey.
Also, for some reason, I have a headache and my stomach hurts? Weird, huh?
Airplane movies
So here’s the thing. I love Japan, but I hate flying there. Luckily for me, the airplane was playing one of the best movies of our, or indeed ANY, generation.
That movie is The Fate of the Furious. It’s, like, the 27th Fast and the Furious movie or something, I don’t know. And I don’t care, because it is wonderful.
I mean a submarine tries to kill cars! How is that not the greatest?
It’s got The Rock and he is constantly lifting people up and throwing them and also he somehow throws a moving torpedo with his bare hands?
“It is literally impossible for me to shrug.”
It’s got Michelle Rodriguez and her rippling biceps and the totally fakey way she gets her car to do stuff.
You can bench press me any time, Michelle. *winks*
It’s got Jason Statham doing, like, a ballet sequence with shooting.
“One two jete, one two plie….”
It’s got Charlize Theron in the awfulest wig ever.
If this is her real hair, please don’t say and ruin Charlize Theron for me.
It’s got Helen Mirren.
“Helen, you are the amazingest, sexiest woman in this movie, and that’s saying a lot, because have you seen Michelle and Charlize?”
And, best of best: Kurt Russell is there.
Being awesome, as Kurt Russell does.
So it is the best movie ever! The plot is something like Vin Diesel has teamed up with Charlize Theron’s wig to do bad things, and then The Rock has to throw people at him and Michelle Rodriguez has to be badass and Jason Statham has to dance, and whatever the other characters are doing.
But who cares because THE ROCK PICKS UP SO MANY PEOPLE AND THROWS THEM.
For God’s sake, just pick up Vin Diesel and throw him already!!
Countdown to Japan
So it’s less than a week till my daughter and I leave for Japan, and my mother is getting a little cranky.
“I’d’ve gone if you’d invited me,” she said.
“Uh, yeah, that’s what we were afraid of,” I said.
Ha, ha, in your face, Mom, enjoy your time NOT in Japan!
Another perfectly reasonable question – daughter version
“Why do you say you would die for me, but then run away and leave me behind when the wasps come?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you, I’m too busy running from all these wasps!”
A perfectly reasonable question
Exactly how many Spider-Man movies do we need, anyway?
“At least seven. Now shut up and give us your money.” — Hollywood
Want, want, want this
By which I mean, I want both this Twin Peaks Bento and Kyle MacLachlan hanging out at my house in an apron.
Specialized spam….
I was going to keep going with the whole “sp” sounds there, but then I couldn’t think of anything except “sputter” and “Spartan,” so an ellipsis it is.
Anyway, today I’ll be complaining about the spam at work, because I get spam from spambots who clearly think I’m a bigoted Trump-loving Republican who hates Megyn Kelly (one out of four ain’t bad, I guess).
But the weird thing is our main inbox is clearly a diabetic dude with erectile dysfunction.
“The diabetes is probably causing your inbox’s erectile dysfunction.” — Thus sayeth the spambot.
On horses and giants and fitting names
My daughter is obsessed with the new Legend of Zelda. And she loves going on side quests, like taming a giant horse. And then she gets to name the giant horse. AND THEN SHE DOESN’T NAME IT FEZZIK, which is what all giant things should be named all the time, forever.
“What’s wrong with Fezzik?”
“Neigh! I’m a giant horse and I should be named Fezzik. Neigh!”
