Then you’re probably not reading this post. Crap, did this misfire.
Anyway! If you don’t want to read any of my short stories, but are curious about them, here’s a podcast featuring several of my weirder pieces.
This weekend, I got a new ninja plushie!
“What’s his name?” my daughter said, even though I never name my plushies because I am an adult person and an adult person would never do anything silly like name a plush.
“Uhhh … Shinobu,” I said, suddenly unable to remember the name “Sarutobi Sasuke,” which is what I wanted to say, because at least if I, as an adult person, am going to name an adorable ninja plushie, I want to name it after a cool ninja.
Anyway, now my daughter won’t let me change his name.
“He looks like a Shinobu,” she says.
I don’t review a lot of the silent movies I watch on this blog (or anywhere, truthfully) because I know you guys don’t care about silent movies as much as I do.
But that will all change once you see Tod Browning’s The Show.
BECAUSE IT IS THE BEST EVER.
It’s got John Gilbert (and his ridiculous mustache) playing a carny who goes by — are you ready for this? I know you think you’re ready, but you’re probably not ready. Anyway, gird your loins, because this is awesome — COCK ROBIN.
And, of course, because it’s a Tod Browning film, everything takes place at a circus/carnival, because when you live in a Tod Browning movie, it is all carnival all the time. So there’s random freak show girls and the adorable Renee Adoree and a total POISON IGUANA and Lionel Barrymore, the second hottest Barrymore of all.
Now, the plot: Lionel Barrymore is totally dating Renee Adoree, who used to date Cock Robin (hee!) because she has terrible taste in men for reasons that will be later revealed. Also, Lionel Barrymore is a really bad dude. (And so is his character in the movie, ha, ha, ha.) So he straight-up murders this guy so he can rob him, but the guy’s billfold is empty! And it turns out the dead guy left the money with his daughter, a random girl who is in love with COCK ROBIN! (Ahem. Hee!)
Cock Robin ends up with the money and Renee Adoree’s love, which really ticks off Lionel Barrymore. So he decides to murder Cock Robin, but instead of just shooting him like he did the first guy he murdered, he decides to do it in a roundabout way during a staging of Salome, so that Renee Adoree will see her lover’s head brought to her on a silver platter!
MWA HA HA HA!
Anyway, that belabored plan doesn’t work for some reason, and Cock Robin has to go into hiding in Renee Adoree’s attic. Whilst there, he learns that she reads letters to a blind man from the blind man’s soldier son. THEN he learns that the son isn’t a soldier, but is actually a prisoner set to be hanged! Then the blind old man hears his voice and thinks it’s his son and he’s just SO HAPPY he takes Cock Robin back to his apartment and DIES OF JOY.
And then we learn that it’s actually Renee Adoree’s dad, who wasn’t even nice to her because he only loved his criminal son, and that explains her terrible, terrible taste in men, because she only knows criminals and jerks.
The good news is this leads to a change of heart for Cock Robin, and they start to fall IN LOVE.
BUT WAIT! You’d forgotten Lionel Barrymore and his needlessly complicated murder plans, hadn’t you??? You’d forgotten the POISON IGUANA!!! Well, not to worry, because Lionel Barrymore has totally sneaked into the attic to try to murder Cock Robin using a venomous lizard, because of course he would. And it is GLORIOUS.
Anyway, Lionel Barrymore doesn’t succeed, and the movie ends with some girls at the carnival whispering about how Renee Adoree kept Cock Robin locked up alone in her house with her for weeks, and another girl hears them and delivers the best line, as she eyes John Gilbert in his tight-fitting costume:
Holy cow, you guys! What have I been doing this month?
Anyhow, to make up for your lack of funny, insightful genius from me, here’s an anecdote about how I do stupid things sometimes a lot of the time:
So there I was, invited to this writers’ group a friend of mine had set up. It was a group of nice, older women who like stories about cats and sweet grandpas. “Oh, what do you write?” they said.
I read them a pleasant story I’d written about birds living in a box store. They liked it, but it was really short. “Why don’t you read another?”
“Sure,” I said, and proceeded to read them my story about a woman having an affair with a guy whose wife is in a coma, and it ends with him taking her to bed and asking her to stay still. Really still.
“That’s … very nice, dear,” they said politely.
You probably think I’ve been going to the movies a lot lately because I haven’t been posting any “movies I’m not seeing this weekend,” but you’re wrong. I’ve just been lazy and awful and hardly posting anything.
So here’s a quick rundown of some movies I won’t be seeing, no how, no way, yuck.
Beauty and the Beast (Live Version for some reason). I guess we have to have live versions of all the Disney princess movies now? I can’t wait for the Snow White remake, because that won’t be super boring or anything.
Ghost in the Shell. And here we have a movie where Scarlett Johansson, whose name I can never spell, plays a woman who is in no way shape or form Japanese because Scarjo (I’m only doing it because I can’t spell her name! I’m sorry! I hate portmanteaus!) would never take a role from a person of color, this is just a random woman who was Japanese in the original version but is no longer Japanese, so why you got to be hating on the Black Widow?
Power Rangers. I NEVER LIKED MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS AND I REFUSE TO SEE THIS MOVIE.
Kong: Skull Island: How is Samuel L. Jackson in, like, all the movies? Is he clones? I think he’s clones.
Boss Baby. Just ick. Yuck. Looks so dumb. Bleh.
So I guess they’re making an It movie?
But I guess they didn’t cast Tim Curry as Pennywise?
So I guess nobody will actually be scared?
So I guess why are they bothering?
Two words, easily summed up: John Lithgow.
John Lithgow is great, you guys. I love John Lithgow. I love him so much he is actually one of the actors whose real name I can remember. He is really, just really SO GOOD.
And Trial and Error is really very funny, with all of the other characters, like whatsisname the out-of-state lawyer and the feisty DA and the lady with face blindness and the dude who just wants a disembodied body part of his own. And they work out of a taxidermist’s office, just like there is literally a taxidermist right down the street from me. There is, like, nothing funnier than taxidermy. Especially when you take little rodents and have them reading a book. It’s really cute and also funny.
Oooh, and speaking of funny, I actually laughed out loud at the scene in the pilot, where John Lithgow hands his dog to the reporter lady as he’s being taken off to jail for murdering his wife (the fourth leading cause of death in his hometown is listed as “Larry Henderson,” which is John Lithgow’s character’s name, which is funnier than I just made it sound), and then it turns out he forgot to let go of the leash and the world’s second fakest dog is yanked away by the police car.
(The world’s fakest dog is in this here video. It’s funny, too!)
Anyway, Trial and Error is far superior to Powerless, plus it doesn’t even have that National Park-desecrating Vanessa Hudgins in it, so even if the writing wasn’t snappier and the acting wasn’t stronger, it would be better by default, so you should watch it.
A guy I ran into at my part-time job this weekend revealed to me that he had voted for Trump. He didn’t mind the white supremacists and neo-Nazis advising the president, he said, because at least they’d protect us from the Muslims.
He works at a fast food restaurant, and it is so bad there, he said, that they can no longer just stick the bacon and the hamburger meat together. BECAUSE OF THE MUSLIMS!
I waited for more.
But there wasn’t more. That was all. That was why he hates Muslims.
Dear Colonel Broyles (from the alternate universe),
When I first watched Fringe, my crush was on Peter Bishop (and also I love Walter). Now that I’m older (holy crap, you guys, Fringe has been off the air for FOUR YEARS HOW AM I SO OLD YET LOOK SO GOOD?), my affections have turned to you.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with our universe’s Agent Broyles, who is awesome and never commits treason and wears great suits.
But you, Colonel Broyles (from the alternate universe): You wear those tight little black shirts and I say to my daughter I think he has to hold his arms like that because of his muscles, oh my god, can I please go to the other universe?
(My daughter still likes Peter best, though, which is understandable. Reasonable, even.)
You, Colonel Broyles (from the alternate universe), are a devoted father, willing to sacrifice almost anything (not two universes, thank goodness) for your adorable son.
I love you, and I think we should get married.
You know, once you’re out of prison for all the treason you committed for your adorable son.
So, you guys! You guys! I’ve got some very talented writer friends. There’s the lovely BrikHaus and the equally lovely Michael Ampersant. And they’ve both published books, and they’re super good and you should read them!
… Here’s the caveat, though. They’re both genre books, so if you’re not into literary erotica or dystopian satire, then maybe don’t read them. But maybe recommend them to your friends who are into those kinds of books, because they are really good. And I’m not just saying that ’cause I love these guys.
Or I am, because I love them because they’re both funny, talented writers.
Another caveat: These are both self-published books, but here’s the thing — they were self-published by writers who actually know a bit about editing. (I’m looking at you, sloppily-written Barker Gang book I regret purchasing.) They’re both, if you spring for the paperback rather than the Kindle version, nicely made, professional books. (I’m really enjoying using the word caveat today.)
Anyway, here’s a rundown of what to love about these books.
Green Eyes, which I’m linking to again, is a witty love story/crime story/plenty of sex of, like, all kinds story/just a lot of fun story. It’s written in a literary style with a slightly unreliable narrator.
Safety Nation, which again I’m linking to again (yes I know that made no sense), is set in a horrific future where the government actually cares about our health and safety, but, being the government, they take it too far. As usual.
Anyway, you should give these books a try, even though I am a terrible reviewer, because they’re good books by good folks. And I hear there’s sequels in the works, so (insert smiley face here).