Agent Mulder vs. “Coop”

August 3, 2009 at 5:38 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , )

Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, someone decided to let David Lynch have his own television series. That’s crazy! Anyhow, the protaganist of the series was an offbeat FBI agent known as Coop. He had a full name, but no one called him that, because why would you when you can call someone Coop?

Coop stands tall as one of the best TV characters ever, in any galaxy.

But is he a better FBI agent than the X-Files’ Fox Mulder?

I'ma hurt you, Coop.

I’ma hurt you, Coop.

Diane? The ties here are retro.

Let’s compare.

Physicality:

Winner? Fox Mulder. Sure, there was something a little bit sexy about our boy Coop, and he had a head of hair to die for, but I’m sure we all remember that infamous red Speedo scene in the X-files, right? Fox Mulder has a rockin’ body.

Cases solved:

Winner? Fox Mulder. Look, I’m sorry, Coop, but Mulder solved an average of one case an episode, for about 20 cases each season and with five good seasons (I know there were more than five seasons. We’re counting good seasons) under his belt, that’s one hundred cases. What did you do? Found out “who killed Laura Palmer?” Well, bully for you, Coop, but Mulder probably could’ve done it AND not ended up trapped in some horrible alternate dimension. Just sayin’.

Crime-solving style:

Winner? Coop, all the way. Mulder, despite his “I believe” mantra, really needed facts to solve his cases. Coop, on the other hand, had visions of a backwards-talking, dancing dwarf and was possibly not certifiably insane.

Partner:

Winner? Tie. Mulder had Scully, but Coop had the mysterious “Diane.” It might have just been the name of his tape recorder, but you know what? I’m calling Diane his partner anyway.

Ultimate fate:

Winner? Coop. Sure, he ended up in some horrible alternate dimension, but Mulder just starred in some crappy movie that no one wanted to see. Also, I think Coop saved some chick’s soul or something. Mulder just met some aliens.

The tie-breaker:

Fox Mulder is an awful name. Horrible, horrible, horrible. You know the poor thing was bullied as a child. His classmates couldn’t have known then he would grow up to become an alien-obssessed crime-solving hottie! But Coop’s first name is Dale. The winner? Fox Mulder.

Overall winner?

Mulder, by a very sensual nose.

Also, there’s this photo, that made everyone a little bit bi-curious:

Suddenly, I was a ‘shipper.

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7 Comments

  1. jhr151 said,

    Fun fact — David Duchovny appears in drag in the second season of Twin Peaks, playing a post-operative transsexual FBI agent. So, if you want to see Fox and Coop flirt, you can! It’s even on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2s0VuCSRAew

  2. lokifire said,

    Oh, yeah! I’d completely forgotten about that. Shee.

  3. A love letter to “Coop” « Hollywood Hates Me said,

    […] I mean, my god, “Coop”! You’re “Coop”! Also known as Agent Dale Cooper, the best-est FBI agent ever(-er)!! (Results of a previous fictional character battle notwithstanding.) […]

  4. Fuji said,

    David Duchovny also played an android in the series “Space: Above and Beyond” which was done by the creators of the X-Files.

    • lokifire said,

      Wasn’t it actually two of the writers: Morgan and Wong? I didn’t think Chris Carter had anything to do with it.

  5. me said,

    Is that photo for real? (the second one, obvs.) did the actors pose for that or is it shopped?

    • lokifire said,

      Nope, they posed for it. It was a big ol’ poster that I coveted at one point.

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