Do I only love the new Joe movie for Snake Eyes?

August 6, 2009 at 9:32 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, )

Call this “the movie I might be seeing this weekend.”

I can’t decide. Every time the trailer comes on screen, my eyes are inexorably drawn to it. And then I realize: hey, I’m only watching this for those precious few seconds featuring my boy Ray Park.

I think it’s clearly evident from the use of two Snake Eyes photos in one week that I love Ray Park. It’s a pure and unabiding love. Pure and unabiding.

I mean, jeez, it’s not like I can bring myself to be excited about Baroness’s expansive cleavage (it is, admittedly, quite spectacular, but it just makes me feel inferior as an evil spy-woman, you know?). Or whoever that prettyboy playing Duke is. Or whichever Wayans brother is in it. Or the subpar special effects.

And it’s not like I played with GI Joe toys when I was a kid. I was a girl. I played with my brother’s He-Man and Transformers toys, obviously.  Obviously.

In the course of my “research” on this post, imagine my surprise to learn that Snake-Eyes is blonde and blue-eyed under that uniform, and that he is romantically linked to Scarlet (who I can only assume is boobtacular, yet less evil than Baroness). I’d always assumed he had some sort of tragic Dr. Doom-esque back story. (Wait. Does Dr. Doom have a tragic back story? I guess I’m only familiar with the Toyfare version, where Reed Richards kicks sand in his face….)

So, in the end, will I really spend $8 (or whatever) to go see some Aryan guy in combat gear fight with swords?

Well, that Aryan guy is Ray Park….

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