The Time Traveler’s Wife makes my brain feel bad

August 12, 2009 at 5:50 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, )

Ugh.

I had no idea.

Nice try, sir, but no, you are not handsome enough to get me to see The Time Traveler's Wife. I might go back and watch that Ang Lee Hulk movie, though.

Nice try, sir, but no, you are not handsome enough to get me to see The Time Traveler’s Wife. I might go back and watch that Ang Lee Hulk movie, though.

I mean, I’d seen the book in airport bookstores and assumed it was science fiction, right? The Time Traveler’s Wife. Sounds like science fiction. Looking back, I’m not sure why I assumed that. Maybe just because it made me think of Slaughterhouse-Five, because the character in that was unstuck in time, right? (Note: I’m not actually a Kurt Vonnegut fan. I read a bunch of his books; I don’t like ’em.) At any rate, I had no idea that it was a (gasp) romance.

Then I saw the trailer. And part of my soul died. It went kind of like this:

Lokifire’s soul: What’s that horrible music? Is that some sort of love song? That is! That’s some sort of love song! I would go so far as to say a horrible love song, because seriously, that is just crap. It’s worse than light alterna-rock. Maybe it is what passes for light alterna-rock nowadays. I don’t know. Ugh.

Seriously? The romantic opening sequence is a strange man going up to a 6-year-old and telling her he knows her when she’s older? Who wrote that and didn’t think of pedophiles? I mean, God, you just know there’s a whole bunch of sick fraks out there who are going up to kids right now: “I travel through time.” God! Way to go, Time Traveler’s Wife.

What did she just say? Did she just say “I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!” God, she did just say that! Ugh, now is she bitching him out for time-traveling which his voiceover said he couldn’t control, so it’s not like he’s an alcoholic, it’s more like he’s a diabetic, so how is it his fault, and yes I know I’m only siding with him because he’s an attractive man. But if I don’t side with the attractive men, who will? You know? I feel like it’s my duty. 

Oh God, that song hasn’t stopped. It. Hasn’t. Stopped. Did she say “I never regretted a single moment of our life together?” She did. She totally did. I just — I can’t — Argh. Now part of me is dead.

Kind of like that.

Anyway, have fun at the movie, folks! I’ll be thinking of seeing that alien flick, but it’s totally got a message, and if there’s one thing I hate (note: it might be obvious, but there’s actually a lot more than one thing that I hate), it’s a message.

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