Ten badasses ruined by the Disneyfication process

August 27, 2009 at 3:19 pm (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , , )

Disney’s destroyed a lot of things. Countless reels of their early racist cartoons. Small nations. My will to live.

Not least among those things is what makes certain badasses truly badass.

A list follows.

1. Tinkerbell.

Gah! It's a fairy! I mean one of the little people! Please don't smite me, powerful one!

Gah! It's a fairy! I mean one of the little people! Please don't smite me, powerful one!

Pre-Disney: Tinkerbell, as we all know, was Peter Pan’s pet fairy. As you may not know, people don’t actually keep fairies as pets and Tink was only hanging out with the lad because of a strange sense of fondness. Later, when Peter brought the young girl Wendy to Neverland, Tink convinced the Lost Boys to shoot arrows at the strange “Wendy-Bird.” That’s right, she was bad-assedly trying to off her competition for Peter’s affections.

Post-Disney: Look, I don’t remember watching Peter Pan any more than the rest of you, but I’m pretty sure that everything Tinkerbell now is aimed towards 5-year-old girls.

2. Captain Hook.

Pre-Disney: He was “Blackbeard’s boatswain, and that he was the only man Long John Silver ever feared.” Also, he was actively trying to murder a prepubescent boy.

Post-Disney: Do the words “bumbling fool” mean anything to you? If they don’t, perhaps you are in need of a dictionary. Disney had to ruin everything good about Peter Pan.

3. The Little Mermaid.

I know Disney tries to convince us she's a feminist, but would a feminist really wear such a skimpy top? Sure she would! She owns her boobage, dammit! I forgot what point this caption was trying to get across.

I know Disney tries to convince us she's a feminist, but would a feminist really wear such a skimpy top? Sure she would! She owns her boobage, dammit! I forgot what point this caption was trying to get across.

Pre-Disney: A little mermaid wondered what it would be like to have a soul. A little mermaid discovered that the only way to get a soul was to have a human fall in love with her. Note: it says nothing about falling in love with the human in return. A little mermaid, near her fated death, can ward it off if she kills the human man. Does she? No. She lets him live, marry his true love and turns into sea foam (actually, she turns into an air spirit, but she thought she was going to turn into sea foam, so it counts). That last thing is what makes her truly badass. Well, that and the way she danced for the prince even though each step felt like she was walking on knives. Bad! Ass!

Post-Disney: Ariel falls in love with a human man. Who needs a soul when you can have steaming hot human sex, am I right? Offered the same choice as the original little mermaid, she also staunchly refuses to stab the guy to death, but in the end, she ends up married, not sea foam and presumably the proud possessor of a soul. Nicely tying a neat little bow in everything and kind of defeating the whole Christian theme Hans Christian (hey!!) Anderson had going.

4. Hera.

Pre-Disney: Zeus’s oft-cuckolded wife (can women be cuckolded? Hell, I don’t know), she took her revenge not on her scoundrel of a husband who couldn’t keep it in his pants and was sticking it to everything that moved, but on his lovers. She turned Io into a cow. She detained Leto’s childbirth so that her labor with the twins Apollo and Artemis lasted for a couple of weeks, which is very goddamn evil, if you have ever experienced the horror that is childbirth. If she couldn’t get to the lover, she went after her husband’s progeny, even if said progeny had been named Heracles as an attempt to appease her.  She even went so far as to strike Heracles with a madness that led him to murder his wife and children. Pretty badass, huh?

Post-Disney: Hera and Zeus are the loving parents of Hercules and … what the hell? Really? You’re serious? Frak you, Disney. Just: frak you.

5. Cinderella/Snow White.

Pre-Disney: Look, there’s really no point in doing two separate entries on these two. They’re both basically weak women who sit around doing chores and hoping that wonderful things will happen to them and then wonderful things do, hurrah! Hurrah! But what made both ladies truly badass was the punishments that they let be inflicted on their tormentors. Cinderella’s stepsisters had their eyes poked out by doves that were sitting on the new princess’s shoulders. Snow White’s stepmother was made to dance in iron-hot shoes until she was dead. It takes a pretty spectacular badass to let those things come to be.

Post-Disney: Read the first part again, up until “punishments that they let be inflicted on their tormentors,” and you’ve got a pretty good idea of the general wussiness of these ladies. Also, they sing a lot. *shudder*

6. Maleficent.

Actually, she reigns as the evilest Disney villain ever. Partly for the pointy head cones.

Actually, she reigns as the evilest Disney villain ever. Partly for the pointy head cones.

Pre-Disney: Look, I don’t know if your parents ever told you this, but these are words to raise your children by: Don’t piss off the fair folk. If someone sneezes, bless ’em before the fairies steal their soul. If you’re caught in a fairy ring, well, just expect to die. And for the love of God, don’t forget to invite a fairy to your princess daughter’s Christening because that is poor form, sir, very poor form indeed. In fact, it’s such poor form that the highly pissed-off fairy is likely to curse your child unto her death, although that curse may be tempered by another fairy whom you actually remembered to invite.

Post-Disney: Actually, Maleficient, which is a name invented by the folks at Disney and is kind of awesome, remains pretty badass and turns into a dragon and somesuch. However, she was just evil from the get-go, which, while badass, seems less badass than teaching people proper manners by killing their kids.

7. Shere Khan.

Pictured: Man-eating tiger. Not pictured: human skulls.

Disney's Shere Khan. Not pictured: your liver-chewing doom.

Pre-Disney: The Jungle Book’s man-eating tiger was a man-eater for one reason and one reason alone (coincidentally, it’s the same reason tigers become man-eaters today!): people can’t run very fast. Shere Khan was born with a lame leg, which would be a hindrance in the whole hunting and killing existence, except for the miracle of slow, slow villagers.

Post-Disney: Why does Shere Khan eat people? There’s no reason given? That’s pretty badass then … wait, what do you mean he doesn’t eat anything in the whole movie? What’d they kill him for then?

8. Wall-E.

Maybe Disney is doing us a favor and prepping us for the impending robot apocalypse.

Maybe Disney is doing us a favor and prepping us for the impending robot apocalypse.

Pre-Disney: Not Wall-E specifically, but all robots were things to be feared and obeyed, Isaac Asimov’s rules of robotics notwithstanding.

Post-Disney: Awwww! They’re so cute and helpful! Cute and helpful!

9. Aladdin’s genie.

Pre-Disney: Folks, there is a reason that most djinn are found stuffed into bottles and it’s not because they like it in there. It’s because that’s where they could be safely stored because, holy Allah, are they powerful and generally selfish beings. It’s best if you use your third wish to wish your genie back into its lamp, if you don’t want to end up disembowled on top of your riches and half-naked harem.

Post-Disney: Here’s a lesson for the ages. It is impossible to be a badass and be voice-acted by Robin Williams.

10. Johnny Depp.

But seriously, folks, is Johnny Depp EVER unnattractive?

But seriously, folks, is Johnny Depp EVER unattractive?

Pre-Disney: Depp was a hotel-room thrashing, method-acting, crazy hot guy. He had a “Wino Forever” tattoo (ha ha, take that, Winona Ryder)!

Post-Disney: Disney turned Depp into an eyeliner-wearing pirate. Now, you might think that pirates would be pretty badass, and you would be right, except in the cases where they were eyeliner. The only movie character ever who is still a badass despite the wearing of eyeliner is L from Death Note, and that’s only because Japan used up all their CGI funds on the shinigami effects in the movie (I’m assuming Japan is both a country and a film studio).

Dishonorable mention:

Simba, a.k.a. Disney’s “Hamlet.”

Pre-Disney: In the Bard’s epic tragedy, everybody dies because Hamlet can’t make up his goddamned mind.

Post-Disney: I’m not saying I like Simba and his stupid yet catchy songs, but at least the lion cub was a little bit proactive, you know?

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5 Comments

  1. kaley said,

    LOVE THE ARIAL PIC!!!!:)

  2. Hello said,

    Watch Peter Pan again. That stuff is in there.

  3. zack said,

    Hilarious! Loved the Johnny Depp entry.

  4. person talking said,

    Funny! ive never thought about disney that way, it was really interesting!

  5. Miss Mary said,

    I love this. 😀
    And I totally agree with Maleficent being the best Disney bad-ass. ❤

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