Why hate on one thing when you can hate on two?

September 23, 2009 at 11:13 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , )

Last week, I couldn’t pick between those two movies I didn’t see that weekend. (Look, last week was a long time ago, cut me some slack.) This week, we’ve got Fame and Surrogates.

My dissertation on Fame shall be brief: I refuse to go see a movie with a bunch of teenagers who are talented, but not talented enough to carry a movie in their own right, unless there is a plethora of zombies, and the zombies sing and dance better than the teens.

Oh, and also this: Bebe Neuwirth, why you gotta be slummin’? I expect that sort of thing from Kelsey Grammer, but I thought you were above it.

Although she does get to do the whole "hot teacher" schtick, so maybe it's cool.

Although she does get to do the whole "hot teacher" schtick, so maybe it's cool.

Now, on to Surrogates. The weird thing about this movie was that it was based on a comic book that I have never heard of. While you’re letting that sink in, a sidebar: the movie says “based on the graphic novel.” You know who calls comic books “graphic novels”? People who are embarrassed to admit they read comic books and people who don’t read comic books. I swear to Bruce Campbell, if you people say the words “graphic novel” to me and you don’t mean them ironically, I will hurt you like you have never been hurt before. (Editor’s note: the level of your hurt has been extremely exaggerated for comedy purposes. Lokifire is puny.)

By the way, Bruce Campbell is a god.

By the way, Bruce Campbell is a god.

At any rate, this comic book that I have never heard of has been made into a flick starring the lesser of the Bruces: the Willis one. And, apparently, a bunch of models, because I didn’t see one average person in the trailer. Which makes sense, I guess, if you’re having a robot pretend to be you, why not have the robot pretend that you’re hot too, right? Also, per the rules of Battlestar Galactica, all robots are hot except the Dean Cain model. And he’s Dean Cain, so it’s OK.

I even forgave you for shooting my boy Gaeta, Cylon Sam Anders, because you are just that hot.

I even forgave you for shooting my boy Gaeta, Cylon Sam Anders, because you are just that hot.

 

Back to Surrogates. Blah blah blah, conspiracy theory, blah blah blah, people addicted to the internets or their robot counterparts or whatever, blah blah blah, only the lesser Bruce (not the Campbell one) can save us all.

And he'll do it, too, unless it would cause some sort of rift in time and space.

And he'll do it, too, unless it would cause some sort of rift in time and space.

In conclusion, you’ve seen this movie before.

I really like saying “in conclusion.” I blame my junior high English techers.

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2 Comments

  1. Travis said,

    Apparently none of the major movies (Fame, Surrogates or Pandorum) opening this weekend were screened for critics…. that’s always a good sign!

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