Akira vs. Godzilla

September 25, 2009 at 11:46 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , )

It was pointed out to me that perhaps, just perhaps, mind you, the previous matchup of Akira and his military training and Carrie and her telekinesis brought on by the travails of puberty was just a bit unfair.

Some recommendations for a different matchup were made, but I decided to go with Godzilla instead, because it’s always funnier to pick Godzilla than childsize Drew Barrymore.

If not, I will destroy Tokyo.

If not, I will destroy Tokyo.

Seriously, Google, I love Kaneda as much as the next guy, but does it have to be THIS hard to find a picture of Akira himself?

Seriously, Google, I love Kaneda as much as the next guy, but does it have to be THIS hard to find a picture of Akira himself?

Let the battle of destructive forces of nature begin!

Physicality: As mentioned previously, Akira is a cute little cutie who cutes (and destroys the world). Godzilla is a giant monster. Incidentally, Godzilla’s Japanese name, Gojira, is a combination of gorira and kujira (gorilla and whale, respectively). Also incidentally, Gojira sounds a lot like Godzilla to American ears, hence the bastardization of his name. The winner? Hey, Akira’s cute, but who isn’t impressed by a hideous giant monster? Godzilla.

Destroyed Tokyo? Akira destroyed the city once as a small child, then again thirty years later as a small child (still) and then again some indeterminate amount of time later. Admittedly, Tetsuo lent a helping hand the second and third times, but that’s hard work for a kid who looks about 6 or 7. On the other hand, Godzilla’s been in more movies than I can count (I have a learning disability) (Editor’s note: Lokifire’s learning disability is called “too lazy to do the work.”), and I can only assume (Editor’s note: see my last note) that he destroys Tokyo in all those movies. The winner by a landslide, possibly literally: Godzilla!

Trapped: For Akira, the military locked him in a seven-layer chamber for about 30 years. It was kept at Absolute Zero. I just capitalized Absolute Zero for no particular reason. Godzilla was trapped under the sea, with all the singing sea creatures. The winner? Akira, because Absolute Zero is really, really cold, and it really, really should have killed him dead.

Hangs out with Kanedaaaaaa? I really like Kaneda. Akira wins again! (On a related note, I’ve read Akira over a dozen times, and I never really realized that Kaneda was his family name and that his name is Shotaro, which, no wonder they all call him Kaneda. Jeez.)

Hey, have I ever mentioned that Kaneda goes up against TWO powerful psychics with nothing but a laser gun and he wins? I'd put him in a battle, but no other character has that much awesome.

Hey, have I ever mentioned that Kaneda goes up against TWO powerful psychics with nothing but a laser gun and he wins? I'd put him in a battle, but no other character has that much awesome.

Name recognition with millions of Japanese and a few thousand geeky Americans? This? Is a tie. Ask the right person, and the words “Godzilla” and “Akira” are only synonymous with “destruction of Tokyo.”

A parable for their time? Godzilla was brought into being through nuclear radiation. Akira was the product of a crazed military, trying to create weapons (or something. They’re the military, I assume weapons, but maybe they were trying to create an army of psychic housekeepers). These fears are both rational and likely to affect our lives at any minute. In fact, we might have the most to fear from irradiated telekinetics. My. God.

Forced into a realllllly bad Hollywood remake? The winner (or loser, as the case may be): Godzilla. Although there are horrible, horrible rumors floating around that Akira may be made as a live-action film, and I’m sure Hollywood will find some way to shoehorn Keanu Reeves into the film. (Note: if he is cast as Kaneda, I intend to murder every Hollywood exec I can find, because isn’t it bad enough you bastards want to cast him as Spike Spiegel? Must you ruin every great Japanese anime/manga character? Must you??!!!)

Hollywood, you are a cruel mistress.

Hollywood, you are a cruel mistress.

The tiebreaker? Technically, Godzilla just won by winning that last category, but since it’s such a craptacular category to be the victor of, we shall have one final, tie-breaking face-off. Why I am stalling, you ask? Is it because I couldn’t think of a tiebreaker, you ask? Hey, I could put this post on hold for three days and you wouldn’t know I couldn’t … fine, I’m having trouble thinking of a tiebreaker….

OK, here’s the tiebreaker for reals: Ultimate, tragic death? Akira (*sniff*) dies when his powers collide with Tetsuo’s (I think? Seriously, things get a little weird toward the end of Akira, and I’m always like, man, that’s so cool, what just happened?), and he has a vision of all his little psychic friends and, awwwwww! Godzilla apparently died at some point of a nuclear meltdown (huh?), but his son (double huh?) quickly took over the reigns of horrible, mutant monster. Winner? Akira!

Overall winner: What can I say? I’ve got a deep-seated fondness for that little city-destroying sweetie-pie. Akira, you win again.

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3 Comments

  1. Jeremy said,

    This is the awesome! Now I want my ‘Akira vs. Godzilla’ youtube video (in the vein of this old Bambi meets Godzilla animation).

    • lokifire said,

      Oh, God, if only I had more Internets talent, I would surely make that YouTube video. It sounds like awesome.

  2. Kaneda vs. Spike Spiegel « Hollywood Hates Me said,

    […] Battles) (Akira, Cowboy Bebop, Kaneda, Spike Spiegel) In an earlier post, I mentioned that I didn’t think there was anyone else who possessed as much awesome as Kaneda to go up agains…. (Note: These aren’t actually death battles, because this blog is just not that […]

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