Vampires and werewolves and lameness, oh my!

November 18, 2009 at 12:24 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) ()

Hey, tweens, teens, die-hard romantics and their unfortunate boyfriends/husbands! Guess what opens this weekend?

Edward the guy from Twilight, half-shirtless and mopey. "If only I could say something that wasn't a terrible, terrible cliche." If only, Edward. If only.

You didn’t need to guess, did you. You already knew, didn’t you. It’s been marked on your calendar in sparkly purple highlighter with a heart shape since the release date was announced, hasn’t it.

(Yeah, you and your sparkly purple highlighters.)

Look! It's the flamboyantly gay vampire! Everybody run!

That’s right, New Moon (aka the second Twilight movie!) opens this weekend! Now, with the first Twilight flick, I made the mistake of thinking that it might not suck because I saw the trailer the first time with the sound off. This time, I didn’t make that mistake. (Uh, the mistake isn’t “seeing the movie,” because why would I do that? The mistake was “thinking for a second that it might not suck,” because, ugh, dialogue.) This time, I went into the trailer, fully prepared for the suckitude.

Or so I thought.

Or so I thought.

I know this will be hard for you to believe, but our characters are even more two-dimensional than this jpg image of a poster.

“It’s my birthday. Can I ask for something? Kiss me.”

(Over the sounds of my dry-heaving, I managed to gasp, “That’s not a question! It’s a demand, or at the least, a statement!”)

“You’re my only reason to stay alive. If that’s what I am.”

(My god, am I puking blood? That is! It’s blood! This dialogue is so nauseating as to make me puke blood.)

“What happened with Jasper was nothing.” “Nothing compared to what could’ve happened. I promise never to put you through anything like this ever again. This is the last time you will ever see me.”

(Holy God, I just vomited myself into a coma. Who wrote this shit? Seriously! Who wrote it?? Has anyone slapped her to death yet? Why haven’t they?? Why! Haven’t! They!)

Slapped! To death!

And I can’t quote the last, and lamest bit (even lamer than the dialogue?? Yes!): the stupid CGI crap-wolf that comes leaping at the camera.

Look, I was made on a computer or something, and even I'M embarrassed by how lame I am.

God, New Moon, even for a movie with vampires, you suck.

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5 Comments

  1. Travis said,

    I know it’s hard to believe… but Stephenie Meyer has a degree in English. Personally, I wouldn’t know it after reading her book.

    From wikipedia:
    “Meyer says that the idea for Twilight came to her in a dream on June 2, 2003. The dream was about a human girl, and a vampire who was in love with her but thirsted for her blood.”

    So… she fell asleep during a Buffy marathon?

    Also it doesn’t seem fair that she sold her soul to Sat – er, uh… came up with her idea in 2003 and she’s already had it published, optioned for a movie, etc. When so many other people – with much netter books – can’t even get them looked at. *sigh*

    • lokifire said,

      Hey, just ’cause you have a degree in English doesn’t mean you can write. It means you can speak English. Stupid American education system.
      I love that she specifically remembers what day she had her dream. Jeez, I was inspired for most of my stories by dreams, but I don’t know the date.

  2. Travis said,

    It was such an amazingly original idea… she thought that she had better keep track of when this vision was given to her, um… ?

    “netter books” !? Well… at least you knew what I meant.

    Also… Rorscach (Obama parody) t-shirts… for $9 TODAY (Thurs. 9/19) ONLY… and they come in girly sizes!

  3. Travis said,

    http://teefury.com/

    I forgot the t-shirt link.
    D’OH!

    • lokifire said,

      Oooooh! Rorschach tee! Girl-tee! Squeeee!

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