Famous people who are PROBABLY not androids

November 23, 2009 at 3:19 pm (Top Ten) (, , , )

I’ve always heard people say things like: “Why don’t they cast real people in movies?” or “That model’s not real!” or “Wow, I was surprised to meet (insert celebrity name here) and learn that (insert proper celebrity gender pronoun here) was a real person, just like me!”

And I’ve always thought, “Uh, yeah, they’re real people who just happen to be more attractive and talented than you. What, do you think Hollywood makes these people?”

But lately, I’ve thought, “Hey, what if Hollywood does make these people?”

So I’ve compiled a list of 10 celebrities who are probably not androids, but totally could be maybe.

1. Angelina Jolie.

It's the lips. I swear to God, those lips are unnatural.

Why she could be an android: Seriously, the woman looks like she was created in a lab. Full, pouting lips. Luxurious hair. Other womanly parts. All slightly off. Like the scientists were like, “here’s all the ingredients for sexy!”, put them together and were like, “errrrr….”

Why she’s actually not an android: Man, I don’t care how mad those scientists are, nobody’s going to make an android that makes out with its brother. That’s breaking all sorts of Asimov’s rules of robotics (or whatever).

2. Tom Cruise.

Why he could be an android: Seriously, do you think that Tom Cruise is a real, actual human? Really?

Why he’s actually not an android: If Hollywood could make movie stars, they wouldn’t make them shorter than their wives.

Sooooo much shorter than his wife.

3. Veronica Mars, aka Kristen Bell.

Why she could be an android: Because Veronica Mars, aka Kristen Bell, is the perfect nerd fantasy. She’s snarky but sweet. She’s beautiful but a bit of a geek. She has the voiceover prowess of a god! This girl was clearly made in the dungeon lab (read as: parents’ basement) of a supra-nerd.

And when I'm done with the modifications, she will cosplay with me!

Why she’s actually not an android: Yeah, right, do you think Mr. Supra-nerd would have let his creation out into the public once he was finished?

"Franky, honey, whatcha doin' down there?" "Nothing, Ma!"

4. Takeshi Kaneshiro.

Why he could be an android: He speaks four languages … fluently. He is an actor and a model. He does a great action scene and a pretty good romance scene. Obviously, these traits were programmed into him.

Why he’s actually not an android: Because only the hand of the Almighty could create something that beautiful. (Man’s prettier than a sunset, is what I’m saying.)

Dear God, thank you for giving us this man and also the idea to cream butter with sugar. Both are delicious.

5. Miley Cyrus.

Why she could be an android: You know that Disney’s got a tween-star production line, churning out that perfect combination of sexy milquetoast that the kids love and the parents feel a little bit wrong about.

Why she’s actually not an android: I’m not sure she’s not.

But not the cool kind of android. The DISNEY kind of android.

6. Zac Efron.

Why he could be an android: Another perfect example of the Disney production line, hard at work. The floppy (but not too floppy) hair! The blue (but not too blue) eyes! The pouty (but not too … OK, you get it, fine) lips! Etc.! Etc. to the nth degree!

Short but not too ... wait, never mind.

Why he’s actually not an android: If Disney had made this boy, they would have implanted a Disney loyalty chip, and if he tried to expand his acting horizons, he would destruct like a Mission Impossible message.

Android Zac Efron! Noooooo!

7. Kate Hudson.

Why she could be an android: Because if she wasn’t an android, wouldn’t she be funny in rom-coms, like her mom Goldie Hawn? “Funny” is genetic, right?

Why she’s actually not an android: Probably Hollywood would have programmed her to be funny in rom-coms.

Your mom is really funny. What the hell happened to you?

8. Robin Williams.

Why he could be an android: One of Hollywood’s early attempts at the perfect acting unit, he was programmed to start out edgy and gradually fall into a dark hole of suckitude.

Why he’s actually not an android: I think I’ve seen him bleed before. But that could’ve been oil.

Fiction or SECRET BIOGRAPHY???

9. Megan Fox.

Why she could be an android: Often called “the poor man’s Angelina Jolie,” Fox got her start “acting” with a bunch of giant robots. Unfortunately, that only emphasized how much she had in common with them.

Shown here: Megan Fox, displaying her "talents."

Why she’s actually not an android: Because if Michael Bay was going to make the perfect movie girl, he wouldn’t have made her be such an asshole.

10. Keanu Reeves.

Why he could be an android: The woodenness. The dead eyes. The gaping-mouthed stare. Nothing about this man says “human.”

I was really shocked to find this photo of Reeves, where he has what could be mistaken for "a different expression" on his face.

Why he’s actually not an android: Because he is just not cool enough to be an android, that’s why. Yes, my logic here is that I hate Keanu Reeves but I love androids, so clearly he is not an android. And you know what? My logic stands. Go to hell, non-android Keanu Reeves.

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8 Comments

  1. greg said,

    Family Guy beat you to the punch on Miley Cyrus on this one (she is an android).

    • lokifire said,

      Crap. I hate having things in common with The Family Guy.

      • greg said,

        Well, on the plus side, when Stewie tried to reprogram her to…um…know Brian in the Biblical sense, Miley Cyrus went on a murderous rampage, eventually being shot to death King Kong-style.

  2. Jamin said,

    loved the Megan Fox jab 🙂

    gawd, i hate me some Megan Fox.

  3. Takeshi Kaneshiro from another planet ? Mysteries…. « Takeshi Kaneshiro Dream said,

    […] ? On Hollywood Hates Me, they wonder if he is not an android. ” Takeshi Kaneshiro. Why he could be an android: He speaks four languages … fluently. He is […]

  4. Olympic athletes who are PROBABLY not androids « Hollywood Hates Me said,

    […] Why he’s actually not an android: Androids probably wouldn’t go Hollywood as quickly as Ohno did, unless they were designed to do that. […]

  5. Gloria Flores said,

    All I can say is that I have tons of fun reading your blogs. Thanks for taking the time to write them. Oh and keep adding pics of Takeshi here, I love that man too!!!

    • lokifire said,

      Who doesn’t, right?

      No, seriously, who doesn’t, because those people are crazy.

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