I really want to see Ninja Assassin this weekend

November 25, 2009 at 12:22 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , )

Sighhhhh….

Oh, Ninja Assassin. Could someone have made a movie more awesome than thou? (Thee?) You have ninja! And also assassins! You have Korean pop stars! (Who also spurned the hell out of Megan Fox, by the way, which makes them the most awesome pop stars ever. I really should have gone to the singular by this point. Whatever.)

Plus, his name is Rain and you have him standing in the rain! You know my love of a good pun/coincidence/whatever the hell that would be, Ninja Assassin!

You have glorious action sequences! I’m pretty sure something exploded! There’s more ninja! There’s more ninja.

I know the tagline says "Fear not the weapon but the hand that wields it," but a modified kusarigama is pretty scary.

What could possibly keep me from seeing this movie, other than wild horses and other catastrophes? (Like a tornado and there are wild horses in the tornado and also a house lands on me.)

What?

Oh, you brought in J. Michael Stracyzinski on the script and he finished revisions in 53 hours? Is that what he was doing instead of finishing some of the comic book series he keeps starting? Stop tempting me to boycott you, Ninja Assassin. You seem perfect in every respect otherwise!

What?

Oh, you’re produced by the Whatever their names are brothers? Who also produced Speed Racer? And, for some reason, cast Keanu Reeves as the lead in a trilogy of movies, leading millions of moviegoers to confuse his dead-eyed stare for the character’s dead-eyed stare and think he was actually acting or something? Those brothers?

For Christ's sake, people, that's NOT acting.

Damn you, Ninja Assassin. Stop telling me these things. I want to love you! I want to love you so much. I mean, you even have a character named “pretty ninja”! That’s my name! I mean, you know, when I cosplay or whatever. Or dream. Whatever.

Is there anything else you want to disappoint me with?

No?

Very well, then. Try to win my love back, why don’t you. Try to —

Oh, right. The action sequences.

Ahhh, the bare-handed sword catch. Always nice to see it in action.

I love you, Ninja Assassin. I want to be with you forever.

Love. It's always a surprise when it hits you like this. I forgive you your faults, Ninja Assassin. Please keep your shirt off.

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4 Comments

  1. Travis said,

    I caught part of an infomercial for some multi-purpose kitchen gadget that was called the Ninja. I wanna buy it just because it is called the “Ninja”.

    • lokifire said,

      Don’t do it, Travis, unless one of its multi-purposes is to crush your enemies!

  2. Joshua said,

    damn, i just play AOE3 Asian dynasties to use; guess what unit? hahaha ninjitsu zukai, damn i lov’ em i just saw this movie a few minutes ago /(ninja assasin) and im still trying to contain myself about going to buy some shit to make a ninja outfit and go out running like crazy

  3. Storage Chest · said,

    Ninja Assasin is cheey in my opinion, the action sequence could have been much better “”

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