As I always say, Bruce Campbell is a god.
So who could be better than Bruce Campbell? Only Bruce Campbell himself.
The question is: do we (by we, I ostensibly mean “the masses,” but probably am actually just using the royal “we”) prefer Evil Dead flavor Bruce Campbell or Burn Notice flavor Bruce Campbell?
Let’s find out!
(Yes, it’s so exciting as to deserve an exclamation point!)
Physicality. Bruce Campbell makes a lot of jokes about the size of his chin, but he’s no Jay Leno, and we couldn’t be more grateful for that! It’s kind of hard to have Bruce Campbell go up against himself, because he’s aged pretty damn gracefully, but you know what? He was a pretty cute young man! The ripped shirt, the chainsaw hand … rowr! Winner? Ash.
Bigger badass? Now, I know most of you haven’t seen the first Evil Dead. Or the second Evil Dead. Only Army of Darkness. I highly recommend Evil Dead 2, but you needn’t bother with the original. However, the lesson we have taken from Evil Dead: the First One is that Ash is a bit of a wuss. His friend Scotty was the more heroic/stupid of the two: beating off the baddies, trying to convince everyone to make a break for it. Ash really only survived the first Evil Dead through a stroke of luck/being bff with the director. By Evil Dead 2, he’d gotten a bit more badass, but he still did quite a bit of whining. By Army of Darkness, he was the badass we know and love, spouting one-liners as he killed demons. However, he still had that wussy Ash in his past, so I can’t do anything but vote for Sam Axe, who stood up to all kind of torture and puts up with Fiona. Winner? Sam Axe.
Better name? Ash is a cool name. It’s a kind of tree that’s perfect for staking vampires! It’s what’s left of vampires when they are hit by the bright light of day! It’s a nickname for Ashley! … Really? Yeah, that’s right, people. That’s what happens when you don’t watch the first Evil Dead. You don’t know Ash’s name is really “Ashley.” Sam Axe, on the other hand, could even be short for “Samantha,” and it wouldn’t matter, because his last name is Axe. Winner? Sam Axe.
Blows shit up? Ash may have caused a few demons to explode in Army of Darkness, in the past, where physics was waaaay more awesome than it is now. Sam Axe, on the other hand, is pretty content to sit back and let Fiona handle the fireworks in Burn Notice. Man, do a lot of things explode on that show. I love that show. Winner? Ash.
Helps the helpless? Sam Axe works with his good buddy, Mr. Super Smokin’ Hot Spy Guy aka Michael Westen, to help those that can’t help themselves, usually through some hourlong con/the power of explosions. It’s his thing. Ash really had to be coerced into helping the unbathed masses in Army of Darkness, and prior to that, he was pretty much in it to win it. Wait, I just said that for the stupid rhyme. I meant, he was very Darwinistic about the whole affair. Winner? Still, they do both help others. It’s a tie.
Has a chainsaw hand? Groovy. Winner? Ash.
Defeats evil? Bruce Campbell defeats evil all over the place, baby. Also Ash and Sam Axe do too. Winner? Another tie!
Master of snappy one-liners? You don’t put Bruce Campbell into anything and not give him some snappy one-liners. Both Ash and Sam Axe are masters of snark. A tie again.
Better job? If you count Ash’s job as being slayer of Candarian demons and not S-Mart clerk, then he’s got a better job, because who doesn’t want a job slaying demons, you know? However, his job is officially S-Mart clerk, so Sam Axe’s “mercenary” wins the day. Winner? Sam Axe.
Great, now you’ve officially tied it. I know. It’s so hard to choose.
Overall winner? The real winner in a battle of Bruce Campbells is us, the people who live in a world with Bruce Campbell. (Because he’s a god.)