Mythical beings teenaged girls should reconsider dating

November 30, 2009 at 3:46 pm (Top Ten) (, )

Thanks to “books” like Twilight, teenaged girls nowadays are all twitterpated over vampires, werewolves and other boys not likely to ask them out, no matter how resoundingly average these teenage girls are.

But, on the off chance, should you be approached by a mythical being and invited to the movies (Ninja Assassin, maybe), should you go?

Heavens no, ladies, and here’s the reasons why.

1. Should you date a vampire?

I can see how you would be tempted.

The pros: He’s eternally beautiful. He’s got great fashion sense. He watches you when you sleep and vows to protect you, even if “protecting you” means “dumping your ass for your own good.” Sure, you can’t enjoy a nice home-cooked Italian meal together, but you’ve got to take your bads with your goods.

The cons: OK, if he’s watching you while you sleep and you didn’t ask him to do so, he is a stalker. But that is the least of your concerns. He is an unaging dead man. That’s right, girls. Please don’t forget that vampires are dead. You are a necrophiliac. Plus, garlic is a mainstay not only of Italian food, but also Chinese! Two entire categories of food are now closed to you! What are you thinking? Dump him! Dump him now!!

2. Should you date a werewolf?

And werewolves play basketball and thus are popular!

The pros: Wow! You’ve got a boyfriend and a pet, all at once!

The cons: Wow! You’ve got a boyfriend and a pet, all at once! Seriously, what are you going to do when your prom date wees all over your dad’s slippers in some sort of misconstrued territory-marking event? When he brings you presents of dead chickens and your neighbor’s dog? Kind of hard to swat your boyfriend with a newspaper, isn’t it? (Unless you’re into that sort of thing.)

3. Should you date an incubus?

The pros: An incubus isn’t just a glam-goth band that covered that great New Order song. In mythological terms, an incubus is a red-hot demon lover. Sweet! Red-hot demon lover!

What is that song? Is it Blue Monday?

The cons: Your red-hot demon lover feeds on your life force to live. Sure, you’ve got a few weeks (maybe months) of good times, but eventually you’ll waste away and he’ll start hooking up with that bimbo down the street.

4. Should you date a superhero?

Upside-down kisses in the rain, too, could be yours.

The pros: For the pros, let’s quote The Metasciences’ “Four-Color Love Story”: “I may go out every night and risk my life for strangers, but you’re the only girl I’ll ever love.” Imagine how Lois Lane must feel! Sue Dibny! Gwen Stacy!

*Sighh.* Ralph Dibny's wife? The Elongated Man?

The cons: Two of those ladies are dead as hell. It’s dangerous to be a superhero’s girlfriend. Plus, let’s quote The Metasciences again. “I may go out every night and risk my life for strangers.” Waitaminute! Every night? What about dinner and a movie? What about curling up before the fireplace? Not to mention, if your man has what it takes to dress up in spandex and fight crimes, there’s something a little off with him.

5. Should you date a Greek god?

The pros: He’s an all-powerful being of great beauty! What’s not to love?

The cons: The Greek gods are nefarious for their inconstancy. Zeus knocked up anything that moved. And beware the jealous streak or you’ll end up a willow or a partridge or a cow or god (heh) knows what!

That's you, turning into a tree. Have fun with your Greek god boyfriend!

6. Should you date a ghost?

This was the only famous ghost I could think of. I'm so sorry.

The pros: Your human lover has just died. Awwww. But he’s returned in spectral form! Huzzah!

The cons: Like the vampire before him, this guy is dead. Also, he’s intangible. He will always weigh less than you.

7. Should you date a merman?

Ummmmm ... Look! A merman!

The pros: He’s a good swimmer. Got a great upper body. Great rapport with sea creatures.

The cons: I’ll let the immortal words of Futurama’s Fry speak for the cons, here: “Why couldn’t her upper half have been a fish?”

8. Should you date an alien?

Superman is an alien. (From the Planet of the Hotties! I'm sorry. I couldn't stop myself.)

The pros: You’ve always had a fondness for foreign boys, and this Martian/Venutian/Planet 212-er is as foreign as they get! What’s not to love?

The cons: You’ve got the whole interspecies breeding thing going on here. If an alien is advanced enough to find his way here to our planet and wants to date you, an average girl on a planet filled with people who haven’t mastered space travel, you have just met a guy who wants to date a kitten.

9. Should you date an android?

The pros: He never tires. He’s eternally beautiful. (Man, a lot of these guys are working the whole “eternally beautiful” thing.) He can be programmed to be whatever kind of boyfriend you like.

The cons: You do realize you’re dating a soulless automaton, right? (That can be programmed to be whatever kind of boyfriend you like.) There’s no cons here! That is, if he’s made of a lightweight material and not a body-crushing titanium blend or something.

Or you could hedge your bets and date a guy who cosplays as an android!

10. Should you date a sensitive musician?

The pros: He’s sensitive. He’s a musician. He will write you love songs.

The cons: This guy doesn’t exist. Forget the vampire, the werewolf and the merman. There is no such thing as a sensitive musician.

Pictured here: A figment of your imagination.



  1. greg said,

    Um, I think the glam-goth band that covered New Order’s “Blue Monday” was actually Orgy. I don’t think Incubus, from my very general rememberance of them when I used to listen to popular music, were either glam or goth.

    • lokifire said,

      Really? Huh, well, shows how much good not doing research does.
      Why the hell have I heard of Incubus then? How odd.

      • Jamin said,

        yeah, it was Orgy who covered “Blue Monday”. and here i was going to ask which New Order song Incubus covered. i’m relieved, actually. while i kinda like Orgy, i would have been greatly distressed to find that Incubus might have done something that didn’t suck horribly.

        also, while Orgy’s cover of “Blue Monday” was itself sorta glam-goth, most of their stuff is more, errr… techno-dance-ish? with a bit of something else i can’t think of off the top of me head? borderline industrial, even.

        god, i sound like some sort of music critic/poseur.

  2. Lulu said,

    funny as hell.. but yea Orgy and Incubus totally different and about the God part… Daphne was running away from Apollo and asked her father Perneus to turn her into a tree because she didn’t want to marry or love anyone. So that image makes your argument invalid. XD

    • lokifire said,

      Meh, I thought I’d already made my points pretty invalid by not knowing the difference between Orgy and Incubus.

  3. Bose said,

    Ahahahaha Ahahahahah HAhahahahahah!!!

    now hear me laugh in spanish


  4. Teatime said,

    Okay, that was pretty damn funny.

    • lokifire said,

      What? Funny? No, no, it’s a helpful guide for teen girls. Make a wise choice, ladies!

  5. lisagailgreen said,

    OH MY GOD! This is right up my alley for sure. I just found your site while searching for images. You should check out my How To Dump a Vampire post.. I might have to link to you in a future post…

    • lokifire said,

      Thank you for the kind words. If there’s anything I love, it’s advising teenagers not to date mythical beings.
      Androids might be OK though.

  6. Foxykitsune said,

    I totally agree with the sensitive musician. I married him and all he writes are songs about how his ex’s suck and how he wants to kill people….

  7. facessunward said,

    so true about the sensitive musician he loved his gitaur more than me

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