“Brothers” looks like a well-thought-out, really good film

December 2, 2009 at 12:19 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (Brothers, Star Wars was ruined!)

Now that I’ve got that out of the way, here’s why I won’t be seeing it:

Tobey Maguire. Actually, I can buy him as a guy who went off to Afghanistan. Wait, no, I’m sorry. I gave too much credit to my purchasing power there. I can buy him as a guy who would join the military out of this huge sense of patriotism and then they would be like, you do realize you’re incredibly scrawny, right? Here’s a desk job for you.

You say you were bitten by a radioactive spider? You do realize you probably have cancer, right?

Jake Gyllenhall. Should I blame him for my dislike of Donnie Darko? Maybe a bit. Should I blame him for his sister’s chipmunk cheeks? No! There’s nothing wrong with his cheeks. So why don’t I like him? Why. Don’t. I. Like. Him?

Ohhhhh, Jake GyllenHAAL. Well, I'm not going back and changing that.

Natalie Portman. Should I blame Ms. Portman for the crapfest that was the Star Wars prequels? No, absolutely not. I should, and do, utterly blame George Lucas and stab a little voodoo effigy of him with needles every night. However, I can’t look at the woman now without thinking of those horrible, horrible films, and how disappointing they were. It’s not her fault! I can’t help it!

Gods damn you, George Lucas, for ruining one of the best things from my childhood.

The precocious kids. I hate precocious kids. Frakking hate them. Especially precocious kids who say in the trailers of movies to their fathers: “You’re just mad because Mommy wants to sleep with Uncle Tommy instead of you!” Look, you little turd, if you’re still little enough to call your mother “Mommy,” you’re too godsdamned little to use the phrase “sleep with.” Godsdamned screenwriters.

The realism. Yep, I’m an escapist. I don’t want a movie with explosions where people actually get hurt. I want a movie with explosions where people leap up at just the right moment so it looks the most visually interesting and land unscathed on the pavement and then run from the ninja/zombies/mafiosos chasing them.

The unrealism. Why would a woman who looks like Natalie Portman have settled for Tobey Maguire in the first place? Was he rich? A great lover? A great lover who is rich and has magical powers? And maybe the secret to eternal life? Enlighten me, people. There is nothing remotely attractive about him.

On a scale of 1 to beautiful, she rates a sound "Too Hot for Tobey Maguire."

The cheesy crap-rock. What was that, Incubus? Stop playing that music, people. It’s just horrid.