I have nothing against Clint Eastwood

December 9, 2009 at 11:49 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, )

But when Clint Eastwood releases a movie about uniting a country through the power of rugby, I have to sit back and go, “Why, Mr. Eastwood, if I can call you that? Should I just call you sir? I mean, you are the Outlaw Josey Wales, after all. Could I call you that? Ooooh, I would love to call you that. Wait, what was my point, Mr. Outlaw Josey Wales Eastwood Sir? Oh, right, it was this: Uniting a country through the power of rugby? I don’t care if it is a true story, what? The? Hell?”

He had to be awesome, to make up for having a girl’s name.

Of course, knowing Mr. Clint Eastwood Sir, if I dared say such things, I would probably be picking my teeth up off the ground later, after I came out of my dehabilitating coma, and then he’d point to the Oscars on his shelf and say, “Why the hell not?”

(He’d say it in that Clint Eastwood tone, and I’d be all like, “You’re so awesome sir!” And he’d be like, “I can’t understand you. You have no teeth.”)

Because I knocked them out of your mouth with my giant … gun!

So Invictus tells the story (for some reason, some boring, boring, BORING reason) of Nelson Mandela and some white guy played by (ugh) Matt Damon and his terrible, terrible accent, and rugby! Uniting a nation! Somehow! Like the way football brings Americans everywhere together! (Or starts riots that end in manslaughter charges, whatever.)

Look, Matt Damon, you’re a homely man, and that rugby uniform isn’t doing a thing for you. In conclusion, put on some pants.

Invictus quotes that poem: “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.” And I just now googled that to make sure I got the words right, and it turns out that Invictus is the title of that poem, so now you know where the movie got its title. Or you knew that before, if you were my Brit Lit teacher. Of course, we all know that my Brit Lit teacher isn’t reading my blog, ever since the time I asked him this: “If ‘Yeats’ is pronounced ‘Yates,’ why isn’t ‘Keats’ pronounced ‘Kates’?” It was at that particular moment that he gave up all hope for me making a success of myself. Look who’s laughing now, Mr. Brit Lit Teacher. Look who’s laughing now.

(Actually, I was also the one laughing when I asked the Yeats/Keats question, so I’ve always thought I was hilarious.)

So Invictus the movie is named after Invictus the poem, which isn’t such a bad poem for being written by a 19th century British poet, but not really worth making a movie about.

Oh, right, I forgot. The movie’s about rugby. Because rugby is way more interesting than poetry. And by “way more interesting,” I mean “equally interesting,” and by “interesting,” I mean “dreadfully dull,” and I say that as a published poet.

(I hate poetry. I hate my own poetry. Not enough explosions.)

So, Invictus: both a poem and a movie about rugby.

You have now been educated.

(It’s also the Latin word for “Unconquered.”)



  1. greg said,

    I’d like to think Clint Eastwood was given this script and said, “F#@$ it, if I don’t make this movie right, they’re just going to turn it into some sappy drivel.”

    • lokifire said,

      I’d like to think Clint Eastwood was given this script, burned it in horror, and then it rose from the ashes like some sort of evil, rugby-playing phoenix of BORING, and he finally gave in.

  2. jmmnewaov2 said,

    Geez – I thought this film was about one man’s courage. About his decision to use forgiveness, conciliation, and negotiation rather than hateful revenge. I thought this film was about a man who survived 9000 days in prison through bravery, courage and the words of the poem Invictus.

    I also thought your post was rather homely as well. I do admit that Damon looked far better as a much smaller and thinner Jason Bourne than he does in this film.. But then again no one would have believed for a second that he could have even stepped onto a rugby field at his smaller and original size. Still, describing Damon as an ‘ugh’ was a bit much.

    The YeatsYatesKeatsKates was funny.

    For another perspective on Invictus with pics go here:

  3. jmmnewaov2 said,

    Okay maybe you were kidding –

    • lokifire said,

      Yup! This is a “humor” blog. I put humor in quotes, because sometimes, I’m the only one who thinks I’m funny.

  4. Dave T. said,

    You have used a picture of my tattoo without my permission. I would like to request you take it down as soon as possible. Thank you.

    • lokifire said,

      Sure. Sorry it took you five years to find it, though.

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