Good news! You can buy your friends, says

December 10, 2009 at 12:49 pm (Randomosity)

So at my real job, which tragically isn’t blogging, I got a press release from a company called uSocial. The subject line was “Lonely this Christmas? Your friends can now be bought!” (P.S.: I linked to their site to help you, my admittedly friendless readers.)

That’s great news, I thought, and had my credit card at the ready as I clicked on the link. I can’t wait to meet all my new friends. They will come over to my house on Christmas eve and we will drink eggnog toboggans and sing carols and I can show them my extensive collection of nativity scenes! And they won’t even make fun of me for having an extensive collection of nativity scenes, because they are my friends! I bought them.

Not the blow-up nativity scene, though. That's just crazy!

Furthermore, my thoughts continued, they can take me to the movies on Christmas day! I can finally see Ninja Assassin. Oh, how I would love to see Ninja Assassin. And now that I have purchased my friends, I can! Well, I haven’t purchased my friends yet. I’m still waiting for the link to upload. But soon! Soon I will have friends!

What has gone wrong in my life that I haven't seen this movie yet?

Ooooh, my brain squealed inwardly and not outwardly, because if there’s one thing that creeps people out, it’s an outwardly squealing brain, our friendship might even last through the holidays! We could go out on New Year’s Eve together! OMG! (my brain tends to abbreviate when it’s excited) What if one of them gives me the traditional New Year’s Eve kiss? Would that be awkward with a friend that I’ve purchased? Gosh! I’m just so excited.

Not if there's champagne and those oversized confettis, it won't be awkward!

Eventually, the link came up.

I’m ready, I thought, or possibly said aloud to the puzzled and slightly worried stares of my coworkers. I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.

And that’s when I saw it.

The word “facebook.” It’s not even a proper word. It should be two words. Face. Book. But here, it was one word. One horrible, horrible word.

“Buy facebook fans here” was the sentence that contained that one horrible, horrible word.

But! And I spit out my half-eaten bagel into a giant clump onto the keyboard. It laid there like a wad of termit goo, whatever the hell that stuff is called, until I finally swept it onto the floor, where it landed with a satisfying splat. But! I thought I could buy real friends! Facebook friends don’t count! Well, I mean, they might count, like math-wise, but not, you know, for reals and stuff.

Sobbing inwardly and also on the outside, with snot dripping down my face like snot drips down — something, I don’t know, a face-looking object of some sort, I continued to read.

For the bargain price of $197, I could buy 1,000 facebook fans. $357 gets me 2,000. And, speaking of bargains, you could buy 10,000 fans for $1167.30. Thats One. One. Six. Seven. Thirty.

My. Gods.

My tears dried up. Not so much the snot, though, which I wiped at with the piece of bagel I had retrieved from the ground.

Can't waste a bagel! MMMMM.

I’m so, so very lonely, I thought (or, again, said aloud. Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell). But now, I can at least look like I’m popular.

And with that, my finger slowly moved the point arrow icon to “Buy facebook fans.”

This will be the best Christmas ever.


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