Things that could replace Keanu Reeves in his pre-existing roles

December 14, 2009 at 3:36 pm (Top Ten) (, , , )

We already know that if there’s one thing Lokifire hates, it’s when Keanu Reeves gets cast in movies. (There’s not one thing Lokifire hates, though, and I think we’ve established that with the creation of a blog with the word “Hates” in the title.)

Here is a list of movies where Hollywood put Keanu Reeves into a role instead of an actual actor, and what could replace him in said role.

(I love to introduce lists with “Here is a list”!)

1. John Constantine in Constantine.

Who should’ve been cast: The guy from Memento.

Is it ironic if I can't remember his name?

Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.

Suggested replacement? A brown trenchcoat. Unlike Reeves, a brown trenchcoat will at least remind viewers of John Constantine, the chain-smoking British demon killer who wears brown trenchcoats sometimes. Also, acting.

Yeah, Keanu Reeves is the first person who comes to mind when I think "Hellblazer."

2. Johnny Mnemonic in Johnny Mnemonic.

Who should’ve been cast: It doesn’t matter. This movie would’ve stunk to high heaven no matter what.

Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.

Suggested replacement: A calculator.

I know you'll find this hard to believe, but Reeves wears this exact expression on his face for the entirety of the film.

3. Kevin Lomax in The Devil’s Advocate.

Who should’ve been cast: Brad Pitt.

Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.

Suggested replacement: A bowl of tapioca, which would tremble appropriately in the presence of the Great Pacino.

Lumpy, yet with a hint of personality. Unlike Keanu Reeves.

4. Klaatu in The Day the Earth Stood Still.

Who should’ve been cast: Father Tres.

Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.

Suggested replacement: A copy of Trinity Blood, with a picture of Father Tres on the cover. At least Father Tres, an android, can display some dramatic range. Even in a drawing.

I like Father Tres. He'll shoot you good.

5. Alex Wyler in The Lake House.

Who should’ve been cast: Dylan McDermott.

Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.

Suggested replacement: A telephone, to make things easier for Sandra Bullock. Because she was phoning it in!!!! (I’m sorry, I know you got the joke immediately.)

Ha ha ha ha! Phoning! It in!

6. Jonathan Harker in Dracula.

Who should’ve been cast: Ethan Hawke.

Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.

Suggested replacement: A wooden spoon, with the end sharpened. The better to stake Gary Oldman’s Dracula with!

The wooden spoon's triumphant return!

7. Shane Falco in The Replacements.

Who should’ve been cast: Duane Johnson, if he was famous in 2000.

Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.

Suggested replacement: Keanu Reeves, but in a mascot uniform, because it doesn’t make any difference if we can see his face or not, because he is as wooden as a wooden house that was made with wooden nails, and all the furniture is wood and the stove is made of wood and the people living there are also wood. So! Wooden!

A fun game is imagining that Keanu Reeves is inside this costume.

8. Detective Tom Ludlow in Street Kings.

Who should’ve been cast: John Cena.

Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.

Suggested replacement: Olivia Wilde. She’s just as wooden as Keanu Reeves, but at least she’s spent some time working with Hugh Laurie on the set of House.

Plus, she's got a wider range of facial expressions: Pensive and slightly pensive.

9. David Allen Griffin in The Watcher.

Who should’ve been cast: That kid from Twilight, but only if he can time travel, because otherwise he would’ve been, like, 5.

Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.

Suggested improvement: Mashed potatoes. They’re about as threatening as Reeves, except he is scarier when he shows interest in playing Spike Spiegel in Cowboy Bebop. That terrifies me.

Bladness! It's what's for dinner. In Hollywood. Because Keanu Reeves = bland. Sigh.

10. Neo in the Matrix.

Who should’ve been cast: Takeshi Kaneshiro.

The best thing about having a blog is coming up with excuses to do an image search for Takeshi Kaneshiro.

Who was cast: Keanu Reeves.

Suggested replacement: A neopet. It’s already got the word “Neo” in its name.

Errrr, no. I changed my mind.



  1. suri said,


  2. Leonidas said,

    Your English is piss-poor. Although, for an American, it’s not so bad.

    • lokifire said,

      Errr, sod off you bloody wanker?
      The hell?

  3. Klaske said,

    You made me laugh. Also, you’re dead right about Constantine. And as far as I can tell, your English is fine.

  4. Angela said,

    Let see! We call it ” Jealousy” . You can’t play the role even if you try. Of course you don’t see him playing those roles because He is not you. He’s perfect in all those roles. If you don’t get it that’s fine. Yeah Hollywood hates you, because you don’t have the charisma and talent.

    • lokifire said,

      I’m, ah, not an actor. Or a male.
      That’s probably why I didn’t list myself as one of the things that could replace Keanu Reeves as an actor in movies.
      But thanks for playing, Angela.

  5. hikikomori said,

    Lol! Couldn’t agree more! Have you seen Dangerous Liaisons? Ugh! Keanu’s acting was like Bill and Ted meets Les Miserables.

    Takeshi Kaneshiro…..mmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!! Heck, does anyone really NEED an excuse to image search him?

  6. WOODEN SPOON | Kitchen Appliances & Accessories said,

    […] wooden spoon […]

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