Avatar: A big, bloated sack of movie

December 16, 2009 at 3:57 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) ()

Watching the trailers for James Cameron’s Avatar makes me think of that old saying: “You can put lipstick on a pig, but why the hell would you do that? Are you crazy? It’s a damned pig! Stop putting lipstick on it!”

You sick fraks.

In this analogy, it’s the script for Avatar that’s the pig. And James Cameron is the crazy sumbitch dressing up that pig like the town’s fanciest whore.

Sure, it’s pretty. The special effects are cool. The avatars are creepy dog-faced blue things, but if you’re into that sort of thing, then hooray! They’re great. (For creepy dog-faced blue things.)

Yeah. They're great. Whoo.

But what you’re left with in the end is: Imperialism BAD. Harmony with nature GOOD.

Cameron doesn’t even try to make the baddies (humans, aka us) seem remotely three-dimensonal or even clever. I mean, you’ve got a guy telling the main character we’re getting the jewels from the heathens (or savages or whatever) by diplomacy or by force. He doesn’t even try to pretend that they dog-faced blue things are evil or something. I mean, come on, our military leaders can do better than that.

I don’t even care that the story’s been told hundreds of times before. What makes me sad is that Cameron didn’t even bother to try to put a unique spin on it. To make it something more than a lesson that’s being whacked across your knuckles like the glitziest ruler your teacher ever sported.

But why would he do that? Look at the pretty blue dog-faced things! Look! Who needs decent storytelling? Dog-faced things!!

Blue dog-faced thing!!

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5 Comments

  1. active3d said,

    It seems that we have identical views on this bloated affair – although yours are far more concisely expressed, I guess! Maybe you’d like to visit my site – and accuse me of verbal diarrhoea… 😉

    http://wp.me/pC1s6-5Z

  2. Travis said,

    Yeah, I’m pretty unimpressed. After hearing about this film for years and how it was going to “change movies forever”…. ehhhh… it all looks pretty lackluster and/or recycled to me.

  3. greg said,

    It sounds pretty much like Fern Gully 2: Revenge of the Smurfs. That being said, it’s a popcorn flick, and I’m curious to see how it all looks since it’s supposed to be the future of movie-making or whatever.

  4. Jamin said,

    heh, i managed to know absolutely nothing about this movie (except that it was being made) until i saw a poster for it. on the poster was a blue dog-face riding a dragon and some high-tech helicoptory thingy. my friend and i looked at each other and said “Gee, i wonder who’s going to win that fight.” then we decided we should someday make our own “nature vs. technology” movie and be revolutionary by actually having the guys with the technology WIN. … dragon-thingy breathes a ball of fire at the helicoptor… helicoptor guys go “hey, what was that?” and then proceed to obliterate the dragon-thingy and a primitive village with a few well placed laser beams.

    • lokifire said,

      That’s very “the American way” of you, Jamin. Go for it!

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