Are you dating a vampire? A modern teen’s guide.

December 22, 2009 at 12:50 pm (Top Ten) (, , , , , )

Look, I know I pick on Twilight mercilessly, but you know what? It’s really easy and I’m the lazy sort.

Here’s 10 ways to tell if the guy you’re dating is a vampire or not.

1. Does he watch you while you sleep?

... or is he watching THE CAMERA?

Are you sleeping in the same bed and you fell asleep before him? He’s probably not a vampire.

Did he sneak into your house to watch you sleep? He’s a stalker, but he could also be a vampire.

Before he sneaked into your house to watch you sleep, did he have to be invited inside? He could be a vampire, but he could also be a stalker with some OCD tendencies.

Is he watching you sleep while he’s floating near your ceiling? Congratulations! You’re either on the moon, or you’re dating a vampire.

2. Does he hate sunlight?

Also, if he looks like this and he hates sunlight, yeah, you're dating a vampire.

Does he have that one disease where people are allergic to sunlight? He’s not normal, and you’re doomed to a dim lifestyle, plus he probably isn’t otherwise too particularly healthy, but he’s not a vampire.

Does he freckle easily? He could just be normal and embarrassed.

Does he wear black a lot and sunglasses at night? If he’s also wearing more lipstick than you, he is probably a goth and not a vampire at all. (Are there still goths anymore? Kids nowadays, I swear.)

Does he sparkle in the sunlight? He’s not a vampire, he’s a glam rocker.

Does he burst into flames when sunlight strikes his body? Congratulations! Get that boy under a blanket stat, you’re dating a vampire!

3. When you ask how he knew where to find you, does he say things like, “I could smell you”?

Smells like ... (insert witty joke here).

Have you considered bathing more frequently? Or perhaps it’s your excessive perfume.

Does he have a hyperactive sense of smell? You will never sneak a silent fart past this guy.

Maybe he’s actually a werewolf? Could be.

Did he actually say “I could smell your blood”? And then he described how your blood smelled and got this crazy look in his eyes, tried not to drool and moaned, “I can’t help myself”? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire.

4. Does he recoil at the sight of a crucifix?

GAAAAAHHH! The swirls! They burn! They BURN!!

Did he grow up in an uber-religious house? He could just be experiencing some sort of religious backlash.

Is the crucifix a little on the gaudy side? Perhaps he’s just showing good judgment.

Is he Jewish? You might want to ask if he’s Jewish. It will save you Christmas-related embarrassment.

As he recoils from said crucifix, does he also hiss and cover his face and possibly turn into smoke? Congratulations! Either this guy takes his atheism seriously, or you’re dating a vampire!

5. Does he have a large family and none of them look very much alike?

Of course, in Hollywood, EVERYONE looks alike. It's the law.

Is he adopted? He could be adopted. If he is, does he know he’s adopted? You might have to be the one to break the news.

Is he a damn hippie? Damn hippies oftentimes think of mankind at large as their “family.” (Dump him! Damn hippies!)

I hate to put it indelicately like this, but was his mom a slut? I mean, she could have 10 different baby daddies, and that could explain why none of his siblings look like him.

Does his “family” all talk about blood a lot and “keeping our true identities secret” and sometimes they talk about the Civil War like they were there and then be like, “Oops, I mean I read that in a history book!” and get all fidgety and awkward? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire.

6. Does he mention “lost loves” in a melancholy way?

Actually, my lost love looked EXACTLY like you. How's that for a coincidence, huh? I mean, it's coincidental! Totally!

Is he a bit of a drama queen? He could just be a drama queen.

Is he your history teacher? Your parents should probably be informed.

Does he look your age, seem your age, but talk about old girlfriends as if they were decades-long dead? Maybe they were really awful and he just wants to pretend they’re decades-long dead.

Does he look your age, seem your age, but talk about old girlfriends as if they were decades-long dead? And they actually are? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire, because an android wouldn’t be so damned sentimental.

Plus, he'd shoot you soon as look at you.

7. Does he drink a red liquid out of a wine goblet, but won’t let you have any?

Oh, for the love of --! It's spilling all over!

Is it wine? Maybe you act like a big goober when you’re drunk.

Is it blood? He could have some sort of fetish, like those glam rockers I mentioned earlier.

Is it blood and he gets weak and withers away if he doesn’t have a glass of it every night? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire, or an actor who’s taken “The Method” to extremes.

8. Has he bitten you?

OK, ewwww, your boyfriend is SO undead.

Have you tried relaxing a little? Some people find that sort of thing erotic.

Have you told him you don’t find it erotic and he does it anyway? He’s a jerk, and he’s hoping you’ll bite him back.

Has he tried not biting you, but then says something about how he can feel your blood and it’s like the heavens and earth colliding and then he’s at your neck like some sort of shite-poetry-spouting leech? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire! (Or some sort of shite-poetry-spouting leech.)

9. Did he go see Twilight with you?

You didn't think it might make him a LITTLE uncomfortable?

Does he want in your pants really bad? Seriously, why would you make your boyfriend go to Twilight with you? I think you’re the asshole in this scenario.

Is he gay? My best gay friend always wants to see romantic comedies, which is why we never go to the movies together.

Did he sit there, snort into his hand and say, “That’s not how real vampires are!”? He could just be a purist.

Did he sit there, snort into his hand and say, “That’s not how real vampires are!” and then follow it up with, “Er, not that I would know or anything, because I’m just your average, everyday guy.”? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire who is also a bad liar.

10. Does nothing kill him except a stake through the heart?

Is he Michael Myers? The stake probably won’t work either. Nothing kills that guy.

Is he Spike Spiegel from Cowboy Bebop? Don’t worry, he’ll die in the series finale.

You’ve got to ask yourself, why are you staking this guy through the heart? If the answer is “Because he’s a vampire,” then congratulations! You’re dating a vampire.

Nah, that's just how I dump people.



  1. saromin said,

    thats fucked. u know shit

    • lokifire said,

      I know how to spell “that’s” and “you.”

  2. karly said,

    wow umm really messd up but it was awesome i like that doez it mean vampirez exist>? i wndr mmmmmmmm

    • lokifire said,

      Yes, they do.
      Also, the Easter Bunny.

  3. Erin said,

    Wow really good statements awesome job, but u freakin ppl out a littke

  4. Carrie said,

    Had to say, I’m entertained. (And I think I may be your first comment on this post that is actually spelled properly!) 🙂

    • lokifire said,

      And you don’t even know how much I appreciate that.

  5. xue er said,

    so glad i stumbled upon this! thank you for making my day, miss! =)

  6. So you think you’re dating a ghost: A modern teen’s guide « Hollywood Hates Me said,

    […] on occasion, but he is dead, then you’re not dating a ghost. That guy’s probably a vampire or a zombie, and we’ve been over that before. I mean, sure, I guess I could beat a dead […]

  7. 10 IMPORTANT LESSONS FROM THE MOVIES | Cupid or Cats said,

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