As I was watching an old episode of Burn Notice last night, I thought to myself, man, that Lucy Lawless sure is awesome. I thought that because it’s true. She’s, like, nearly six feet of bad-assery. So awesome.
And while my favorite incarnation of Lucy Lawless is as one of the cylons on Battlestar Galactica, most people can’t think of Lucy Lawless without picturing her in a body-armor miniskirt with raven black hair.
That image is, of course, of Xena: Warrior Princess.
Speaking of warrior princesses, wasn’t She-Ra also one? Well, at any rate, Xena and She-Ra kind of rhyme a little, so on with the battle!
Physicality. She-Ra was an Aryan blonde who wore a skimpy little dress and carried a sword. Also, she was a cartoon and an action figure. Xena was played by Lucy Lawless, who is stunning, whether her hair is black, dark blonde or red. I mean, she’s just gorgeous! Soooo pretty. Winner? I think it’s clearly Xena here.
Ass-kicking quotient? Admittedly, I haven’t watched many episodes of Xena, which is a shame, because the ones I saw, I liked. Unfortunately, it aired back when I was working a late evening shift and before the days of Tivo and DVR, so whatever. As a child, I watched more He-Man than She-Ra. So, it turns out that I am totally going to make up a figure! Xena kicked an average of 2.6 asses per episode, and She-Ra kicked, er, .89. Yeah, that sounds right. But for reals, though, every time I tuned in to Xena, she was doing that war cry (you know the one) and tossing her killer chakram around (or whatever the hell that thing is). She-Ra, I think, brushed her hair a lot and urged little girls to buy her doll so they could do the same. Winner? Xena.
Best sidekick? Xena’s sidekick/lover(?) was the petite blonde Gabrielle, who, apparently, took up the mantle of “ass-kicking one” upon the series finale. She-Ra had a rotating series of helpers or friends or whatsits, including the literally-named sorceress “Castaspella” and a woman with peacock feathers named “Peekablue.” Gods, no wonder I watched He-Man instead. That shit’s just ridiculous, I don’t care how 7 years old I was. Winner? Xena.
Was originally evil, but then aligned herself with good? Yes! But only She-Ra has the excuse of being kidnapped as a baby and raised to be evil. Xena was just plain mean. Yet awesome! Winner? A tie.
Fought evil for longer, by which I mean, lasted more seasons? Xena battled the baddies for a whopping six seasons, while She-Ra petered out after two. Winner? Xena.
To make it fair, who had a better toy line? She-Ra, like her brother He-Man, was basically a cartoon about buying action figures. While Xena did eventually get her own line of action figures, She-Ra’s had a horse with wings and a horn. Winner? She-Ra.
Better weapon? She-Ra had a magical sword that transformed her from Princess Adora (I know) into She-Ra. That’s pretty cool, if you think about it, like, how did the sword know what size magical costume to get her? Xena had the aforementioned chakram, which is a circular killer weapon of awesome. Winner? Xena, but a magic sword comes close.
Maybe we should just end this before She-Ra gets brutalized some more? Maybe we should.
Overall winner? Hey, you can’t have “Warrior Princess” in your name without winning a few battles. (Of course, She-Ra was the “Princess of Power,” so I guess that thing I just said doesn’t make much sense. Whatever.)