Xena vs. She-Ra

January 4, 2010 at 4:45 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , )

As I was watching an old episode of Burn Notice last night, I thought to myself, man, that Lucy Lawless sure is awesome. I thought that because it’s true. She’s, like, nearly six feet of bad-assery. So awesome.

Ha, ha, she sure tricked you (at first), Michael Westen!

And while my favorite incarnation of Lucy Lawless is as one of the cylons on Battlestar Galactica, most people can’t think of Lucy Lawless without picturing her in a body-armor miniskirt with raven black hair.

That image is, of course, of Xena: Warrior Princess.

Samurai Xena!

She wasn't usually drawn like this, but it's a sweet picture.

Speaking of warrior princesses, wasn’t She-Ra also one? Well, at any rate, Xena and She-Ra kind of rhyme a little, so on with the battle!

Physicality. She-Ra was an Aryan blonde who wore a skimpy little dress and carried a sword. Also, she was a cartoon and an action figure. Xena was played by Lucy Lawless, who is stunning, whether her hair is black, dark blonde or red. I mean, she’s just gorgeous! Soooo pretty. Winner? I think it’s clearly Xena here.

Maybe "stunningly gorgeous" is a better description.

Ass-kicking quotient? Admittedly, I haven’t watched many episodes of Xena, which is a shame, because the ones I saw, I liked. Unfortunately, it aired back when I was working a late evening shift and before the days of Tivo and DVR, so whatever. As a child, I watched more He-Man than She-Ra. So, it turns out that I am totally going to make up a figure! Xena kicked an average of 2.6 asses per episode, and She-Ra kicked, er, .89. Yeah, that sounds right. But for reals, though, every time I tuned in to Xena, she was doing that war cry (you know the one) and tossing her killer chakram around (or whatever the hell that thing is). She-Ra, I think, brushed her hair a lot and urged little girls to buy her doll so they could do the same. Winner? Xena.

Best sidekick? Xena’s sidekick/lover(?) was the petite blonde Gabrielle, who, apparently, took up the mantle of “ass-kicking one” upon the series finale. She-Ra had a rotating series of helpers or friends or whatsits, including the literally-named sorceress “Castaspella” and a woman with peacock feathers named “Peekablue.” Gods, no wonder I watched He-Man instead. That shit’s just ridiculous, I don’t care how 7 years old I was. Winner? Xena.

A Castaspella action figure. On a related note, did anyone else notice that they just put wigs and eyeshadow on the He-Man toys?

They were the cutest couple at your prom.

Was originally evil, but then aligned herself with good? Yes! But only She-Ra has the excuse of being kidnapped as a baby and raised to be evil. Xena was just plain mean. Yet awesome! Winner? A tie.

Fought evil for longer, by which I mean, lasted more seasons? Xena battled the baddies for a whopping six seasons, while She-Ra petered out after two. Winner? Xena.

To make it fair, who had a better toy line? She-Ra, like her brother He-Man, was basically a cartoon about buying action figures. While Xena did eventually get her own line of action figures, She-Ra’s had a horse with wings and a horn. Winner? She-Ra.

Better weapon? She-Ra had a magical sword that transformed her from Princess Adora (I know) into She-Ra. That’s pretty cool, if you think about it, like, how did the sword know what size magical costume to get her? Xena had the aforementioned chakram, which is a circular killer weapon of awesome. Winner? Xena, but a magic sword comes close.

CHAKRAM! (I, uh, couldn't think of anything funny.)

There's something about this sword. It seems almost ... magical. Hey, are my boobs bigger?

Maybe we should just end this before She-Ra gets brutalized some more? Maybe we should.

Overall winner? Hey, you can’t have “Warrior Princess” in your name without winning a few battles. (Of course, She-Ra was the “Princess of Power,” so I guess that thing I just said doesn’t make much sense. Whatever.)

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6 Comments

  1. Princess Adora said,

    She-ra rocks!

    But hey, they’re both on the same side.

  2. The Puppeteer said,

    “did anyone else notice that they just put wigs and eyeshadow on the He-Man toys?”
    Would that mean that the He-Man action figure had man-boobs?

    • lokifire said,

      Yes. Yes, it would mean that.
      Also, the cartoon He-man had moobs.

  3. Tami said,

    Great article…I remember watching She-ra but,Xena kicks her ass to kjngdom come and back again!!! Yep, Xena rules!!! Battle On!!

  4. Tom said,

    She-Ra would rip Xena limb from limb. I love Xena, but She-Ra would end her!

  5. Wayne Moises said,

    She-Ra was the princess of power she is the twin sister of Prince Adam alias He-Man leader of Eternia protector of castle grayskull and their peaceful home planet savior and protector of the innocent against evil
    And keep the peace will join to face Hercules&Xena for the power struggle headed for Ancient Greece at the Olympic coliseum to compete the fight for their supremacy who will win in a fight for the better who is better heroes who will decide as soon as possible. The battle begins now .thanks for the information about the cartoon and comic book heroes and send e-mail to your comments in your opinion .from Wayne

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