Fiona Glenanne vs. Sarah Walker

January 11, 2010 at 6:38 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , , , , , , )

In honor of two of my favorite-est shows returning for new seasons/half-seasons, I present this battle between Fi and Sarah.

Both these ladies are ass-kicking beauties who have a variety of skills, from the art of seduction to driving fast cars to conning the hell out of an unwitting mark. Yup, Fiona and Sarah are badasses all the way.

What? No, no, I can't hear you over the dying screams of the person I'm shooting.

Sarah Walker: more deadly than the average fast food employee.

But whose ass is badder?

And does that even make sense?

Errr, on to the battle! Of fictional ladies! Whoo!

Physicality. There’s no denying that both Fiona Glenanne and Sarah Walker are beautiful, beautiful women. Fiona has this kind of, I don’t know, elegance about her. She looks very Renaissance, like women would have looked back then if they had been much, much thinner.

And her legs totally go on forever!

Sarah, on the other hand, is possibly the most beautiful girl ever. Really, though, the only complaint you could have is that Fiona is really, really skinny and whoever picks out her wardrobe is doing a poor job of hiding that. Winner? Sarah. I mean, she’s just so pretty.

Please be my friend, Sarah Walker.

Ass-kicking quotient? Here is another nearly even match. While Sarah is better with the ol’ fisticuffs, Fiona won’t hesitate to blow you to hell with a neatly planted bomb. They’re both good with guns and have no qualms about kicking you in the face should the need arise. Winner? It’s a total tie.

Has a cute brunette boyfriend? Sure, sure, they’re both on-again, off-again, but you know when the cameras are done rolling forever on both these shows, the viewers want Chuck and Sarah and Michael Westen and Fiona together. Although I wouldn’t mind seeing Michael and Sarah on a date, that would be some kind of awesome, am I right? (I’m sooooo right. Especially if said date led to some sort of international hijinks and they had to kick ass together, and Chuck and Fiona were all like, this sucks, and then Fiona was like, hey, wanna blow stuff up? and Chuck was like, well, I’ve got nothing better to do. Sure. And then they did.) But really, both have super cute brunette boyfriends and the only difference is do you prefer your boy clean-cut and snarky or floppy-haired and sweet (yet snarky). And the answer is: it doesn’t matter. Clean-cut, floppy-haired, they’re the brunettes with the hot girlfriends. Winner? A tie again!

Clean-cut?

Or floppy-haired? It's just too hard to choose.

Fights for good? Sarah is with the CIA, a.k.a. the government. Depending on your perspective, that can be a good thing or a bad thing. However, all of the missions of hers we’ve witnessed involved saving innocent (or at least semi-innocent) people from a horrible fate. Fi also fights for the little guy at the side of her super smokin’ hot boyfriend Michael. Before that, however, she was in the IRA, which means she was completely and utterly evil. And she’s actually still kind of evil. Winner? Sarah.

Sweeter ride? I know Fi drives a Saab, unless it got blowed up good on some episode I missed. Sarah drives some sporty little number. The real competition here, then, is between their boyfriend’s cars. Chuck drives a Nerd Herder, which is a cute little, I don’t know, something German or maybe Swedish? Anyway, it’s totally cute and John Casey put all sorts of awesome extras into it, so it’s like some sort of super spy-car now.

Then again, it does say "Nerd Herd" on it.

On the other hand, Michael Westen drives a 1971 Charger. Winner? Fiona.

I love the Charger.

Better cover identity? Sarah’s cover identity is that she works at a yogurt shop and is Chuck’s on-again off-again girlfriend. Fiona doesn’t bother with a cover ID. Winner? In this case, I’m going to have to go with Fiona, because like anyone is going to buy that a chick that looks like Sarah wouldn’t be an aspiring model or something.

Gets to hang out with Bruce Campbell? You know, I like to think that if Bruce Campbell wasn’t so busy with Burn Notice right now, he would totally make time for a guest shot on Chuck. Unfortunately, he is totally busy with Burn Notice, so Fiona wins again.

And I never miss the opportunity to reiterate that Bruce Campbell is a god.

That’s weird. You don’t even like Fiona. It’s true.

On the other hand, gets to hang out with Adam Baldwin? The best Baldwin brother of all! (He’s not one of the Baldwin brothers, so he (and we) wins.) Also, Sarah wins.

This is my post with the most people with guns ever! My mom would be so proud.

On to a tiebreaker? On to a tiebreaker.

The final, tie-breaking question? Errr, I actually hadn’t thought any further ahead than the cute boyfriend question.

How much prep goes into these things, anyway? Oh, tons. Just tons.

You ready to get on with it now? Yes?

The ultimate tie-breaking question: Better opening credits for your supra-awesome show, ladies? Oh, man, now that’s just a hard one. Burn Notice has the whole “I’m Michael Westen. I used to be a spy, until….” But Chuck has the whole “NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA can’t count nas and type while singing the Cake theme song there!” But isn’t Burn Notice’s intro basically a recap? Yeah, but “a friend who used to inform on you to the FBI.” “You know spies, a bunch of bitchy little girls.” But Chuck has the cute little animated guy! Why did I make this question the tie-breaker? Why indeed?!! Winner? Sarah, because Burn Notice’s intro isn’t a proper show opener at all. It’s a recap. (Still awesome, though.)

NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA!

Overall winner? Wow, this was a tighter race than I thought it would be. Sarah. Barely. Try a little harder next time, why don’t you, spy-girl?

Oooh, bonus points for invoking the holy trilogy!

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17 Comments

  1. Jamin said,

    man, i really hope that The Bruce doesn’t ever appear in Chuck, because then i’d finally have to break down and watch that show, and then i’ll be hooked on another show. although the way my family keeps working on me, they’ll probably have me addicted to Chuck before too long anyway…

  2. Jamin said,

    also, if you like Adam Baldwin, you really should give Firefly a shot, even though i know you hate Joss Whedon. i really think you’d like it (at least if you can get past how annoying Summer Glau’s character is when she’s not kicking ass).

    • lokifire said,

      Sorry, but nothing you can say will convince me that I should watch a Joss Whedon show. You should really get into Chuck, though. It’s sweet and funny and has lots of action. It’s got heart! Try it! It’s like television crack.

  3. Aktiv8 said,

    Those are great credits on Chuck, including that part where the animated guy falls out of Chuck’s nose. Also, at one point, he lifts his head off to avoid being hit by shurikens. He’s like a tiny zombie that lives in your head.

    • lokifire said,

      The tiny zombie that lives in my head isn’t as awesome as the Chuck zombie guy. They should do a Halloween episode where he tries to eat everybody’s liver in the credits.

  4. Travis said,

    Man, internet nerds are jaded. I was reading some online comments about the CHUCK season premiere and some doofus referred to Yvonne Strahovsky as a “butter face”.

    Really?
    Seriously?

    Well, I’m sorry that one of the most beautiful women on television isn’t up to your high standards…. now why don’t you go spank it to some hentai porn.

    • lokifire said,

      Maybe he doesn’t know what “butter face” means and he meant it like her complexion is as smooth as cream? I mean, that’s clearly the only explanation, because SHE IS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN EVER IN THE WHOLE WORLD!
      Rant. Over.

  5. aldo sayes said,

    un buen programa y me gusta mucho la actuacion de ivon

  6. gustavo said,

    Lidah vc e Sarah

  7. Ayazel said,

    u stupid,stupid fucker…..”they have the art of seduction…” HOW? fiona looks like a dude,she has a thin moustache(S01E07.08 etc) And she is always trying too hard to look cool,talk cool,act young n tough. i hate Fiona Glenanne

    • lokifire said,

      You spelled “you” wrong. So, please, until you learn how to capitalize and, you know, SPELL, please don’t call ME the stupid, stupid fucker. That would be, you know, “u.”

    • dirtnasty said,

      i hate that bitch too.. think man tits got enough lip injections put in that leathery face?they dont need to have the ugly bitch prancin around no bra and half nude all the time. she ruins the show for me. only people that like her are just fuckin loser weridos that get off to a nipple poking out..they see nothing else .. oh wait her pumped up lip injections. they could have got a more naturally beautiful girl to play her part that doesnt need to subject herself to being half nude and no bra to draw the public viewers attention.also why is it ok for her to be a whore on there and micheal cant even have a female co-worker? i wish they would kill fiona off.

      • lokifire said,

        Wow. That’s … a lot of bile for a fictional character.

  8. fiona lover! said,

    this thing is shit obviously fiona is better

    • lokifire said,

      No, your thing is shit!
      Also, I’d like to introduce you to punctuation. It makes you look slightly less a moron.

  9. Karim ElBakry said,

    i have to say fiona is cute but i just love sarah .
    she is so damn beautiful

  10. LazyBlackGuy said,

    I like Fiona just don’t like the person. Same with Sarah. Enjoyed Yvonne but didnt like her playing Sarah.

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