Now Hollywood is just making me sad

January 13, 2010 at 12:20 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , )

It’s like Hollywood wants me to cry for my favorite actors as they struggle into old age on the silver screen. O! Jackie Chan! What went wrong? What went wrong?

Hollywood ruins everything wonderful is what went wrong.

Denzel Washington! You’re not actually one of my favorite actors at all or ever, but why are you still trying to be an action star? You’re, you know, on the downward side of decrepit. I mean, have you thought about trying the “surly father who deep down has a heart of gold, but it’s really, really deep down” roles? Maybe the “retired hitman who doesn’t kick your ass but can silence you with his glare”? Or the “disgruntled politician who is fighting for right but keeps going up against incompetents and evil bureaucracies”? I’m suggesting these options, Denzel Washington, because you have an excellent bitch-face, and I think it could be put to great use in these roles.

You see?

This weekend, Book of Eli opens. So does The Spy Next Door.

Instead of seeing these films, I’ll stay inside, weeping for the sad, sad fate of one of my heroes. (That would be Jackie Chan, who shares my admiration for the great Buster Keaton, but probably in a less girly way, although I couldn’t say for sure.)

Buster! Call me! Errrr, from "beyond."

But first, I think I’ll make fun of these two movies! That will buoy my spirits!

First off: Book of Eli. A post-apocalyptic film about a guy. With a book! And he’s willing to kill to protect it! Like me and my comic book collection! Except totally not. Unless you count my life as a post-apocalyptic wasteland, in which case it is exactly the same.

Pictured here: My life, starring Denzel Washington.

I’m not quite sure what’s going on in the trailer, but I do know if you show that many explosions and I still don’t care, you’re doing something wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. And why the slow-motion arrow? Aren’t we over that yet, Hollywood?

Also, and I believe I mentioned this in the first paragraph, but I’m too lazy to scroll up and check, why is Denzel Washington trying to be an action star at his age? Did you notice all the action scenes are shot in the shadows? That’s so we can’t see just how slowly he’s actually moving. Or that he’s beating the people not with a big, scary knife, but with his cane. Or that his stunt double looks nothing like him, because to be an action star, you really kind of have to be all youthful and shit, with the supple limbs and blah, blah, blah.

And it worries me when a trailer is like: Ooooh, starring GARY OLDMAN! and MILA KUNIS! But we only showed them for two seconds because THEY HATE THE MOVIE AS MUCH AS YOU WILL!

I'm so embarrassed. I hope no one recognizes me.

Moving on to The Spy Next Door (*sob*). Jackie Chan (*sob*) stars (*sob*) in one of those movies where the canny international spy/manly football player/rap star/Vin Diesel is faced with the horror-iest of all the horrors: babysitting.

Children are death to your career, Jackie! Death!!

You know what?

I can’t make fun of this movie. I just can’t do it. It deserves the fun-making, it really does. I mean, it’s got George Lopez and Billy Ray Cyrus, and if they’re slumming, then seriously —

Why, Jackie? WHYYYYYYY?

Because what the hell else will Hollywood let me do in my golden years, huh?

*breaks down sobbing*

Errr, boy that Book of Eli sure looks lame, huh?



  1. Travis said,

    “The Spy Next Door” makes “The Karate Kid” remake (that Jackie stars in) look like a good idea!

    • lokifire said,

      At least Jackie Chan is equally as awesome as Pat Morita, but that whole thing still makes me sad.

  2. Jamin said,

    man, i hadn’t heard of any of these. now, i’ll probably see Book of Eli, just ’cause i’m a sucker for post-apocalyptic shtuff. i mean, if it’s post-apoc, it can be pretty awful and i’ll still love it. but yeah, that Spy Next Door makes me wanna cry. f***ing kids. they really do ruin everyting. except your kid, of course >.>

    • lokifire said,

      Yeah, she’s awesome. In fact, she thinks The Spy Next Door looks like ass too, but since she’s addicted to the original flavor Karate Kid, she’ll probably want to see the remake.

  3. santana said,

    no man. don’t be sad. he act that film just for wonderful kids. his ‘ Jackie Chan adventure’ (cartoon series) even makes children to love him. after his latest movies with kids makes more people and kids love him. May be he wants everybody love him even kids.

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