Seriously, learn how to talk good

January 13, 2010 at 5:45 pm (Top Ten) ()

Now, y’all know I’m crazy about punctuation and that my grammar is, shall we say, middlin’ to average. But there are some grammar/word usage errors that just make me want to punch people in the throat.

(That’s in addition to all the other things that make me want to punch people in the throat. If I had my druthers, I would be a professional throat puncher. Bam! Punch to the throat! It’s like Knife to the eye! but less viscuous.)

You know, knife to the eye? Frankie's war cry? From The Goon? You know, Eric Powell's hilariously violent zombie-fest of a comic book? Knife to the eye?

Anyway, list.

1. Using “literally” when you actually meant the thing that is the opposite of that, also known as “figuratively.” “I was literally wetting my pants in there!” “My head was literally on the chopping block!” “I was literally going to die!” “I’m literally a dumbass!” Wait, no, that last one’s not incorrect. Anyway, stop using literally, which means the thing you are saying actually happened when you mean the thing you are saying didn’t actually happen or I will literally murder you to death.

2. “Ironically” when you actually meant it wasn’t ironic at all and was, indeed, actually a coincidence. “Ironically, Joe’s parents, who were both Baptists, met at a Baptist baptism!” “Ironically, she met her husband-to-be in the same town she had grown up in!” As a matter of fact, those things are not only not ironic, they’re not coincidences. They’re, like, things that are basically guaranteed to happen. Stop using “ironically,” people. You just don’t get it. (P.S. I refuse to reference a certain craptacular pop song here, but you all know what I mean.)

3. “Could of.” “Would of.” “Should of.” Everyone I know has horrible pronunciation, and, yeah, that’s how we pronounce “could have,” “would have” and “should have.” Actually, though, we pronounce them “could’ve,” “would’ve” and “should’ve.” Learn to spell. I hate you.

4. “He past away.” Sighhhhhh. Look, maybe he passed away in the past, but for the love of Bruce Campbell, those are two completely different words. Also, he did not “pasted away,” so don’t try to find a happy medium. Morons.

Actually, ol' Clyde did manage to glue himself to death. It was horrible. Horrible and tragic. And sticky.

5. On a related note, that dead guy you were talking about isn’t formally of a certain place. I mean, I guess he could be. Did he wear tuxes a lot? If he wore tuxes a lot, it could (literally!) be a truthful statement. If you just meant he had once lived in that place and then moved somewhere else, you meant formerly. Why is that so hard? Whyyyyy?

Ol' Clyde was a dapper sort. Always liked to look his best.

6. Your not going to believe this, but people use “your” and “you’re” wrong! Look, typos happen. I get it. I’ve messed them up before, and I’ve been desperately, horribly embarrassed by the error. But if you’re (your?) doing it consistentally, then you need to sit down and have a frank talk with your second grader, so they can explain the difference for you. (P.S. That thing I just did, where I called your second grader they instead of he/she? Is not a word usage thing that bothers me. I hate typing/saying he/she. Sounds too transgendered.)

7. “Hey, did you unthaw the turkey yet?” I didn’t even know this was an issue, but one of my coworkers/friends is driven to the town of lunacy and left there blindfolded when she hears the word “unthaw.” “Wouldn’t that mean to freeze it?” she wonders. I personally don’t know, as I have a tendency to say “dethaw,” and then realize I combined “defrost” and “thaw” like some sort of frakking idjit.

On a related note, which I realize I say A LOT, raw turkey makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

8. The same coworker also hates when you use “over” wrong. As in, instead of “more than.” Her example: “There was over five people at the event.” Because it sounds like something was hovering above the five people and possibly about to crush them, which probably would have made a more interesting story than writing an article about some lameass event that only garnered an audience of approximately six people.

Like these cars, for example.

9. Irregardless, “irregardless” isn’t a word. I don’t think. Another coworker picked this one, because I ran out of grammar/word issues about three entries back and didn’t want to make a whole new category called “Sucky Six” or something. OK, so according to Internet grammar gurus, “regardless” is correct and means “without regard.” When you add “ir” to “regardless,” I believe you get something like “without without regard,” which is just silly. I don’t think “irregard” is a word either, though. Sorry.

10. In a battle of “might” vs. “may,” nobody wins. Back to coworker no. 1, my source for annoying grammar things! Example: “It may be cold outside.” “What, are you giving it permission to be cold?” she says. “May” is permissive, she says. “Might” is something else completely.

Advertisements

3 Comments

  1. Jamin said,

    “Welcome to you’re ‘DOOM’!” hehe… that was pretty much the best line in all of season 1 of Frisky Dingo. “Wait, wait… ‘Welcome to you are doom? And is this some kind of ironic doom?” man, that’s some good times right thar. sadly, i think that unless there is some sort of geek revolution (and by that i mean a literal, blood-in-the-streets revolution), we’ll never get satisfaction concerning these people who are too lazy to care. of course, if there is a geek revolution, we probably won’t be that satisfied, because after the initial surprise (of about 5 minutes) it’ll be our blood running in the streets.

    heck, the other day i read a post somewhere online (shudder) where some guy used there/their/they’re all in the same paragraph and used each of them wrong at least once. i think maybe he had some sort of randomizer button each time he needed a “thar” and just went with whatever it gave him.

  2. Jamin said,

    also, i’m going to assume that “consistentally” was intentional, since you italicized it đŸ˜›

    • lokifire said,

      Yes. Yes, let’s assume that.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: