Captain Awesome vs. Captain America

January 18, 2010 at 7:09 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (Captain America, Captain Awesome, Chuck)

Since I’m still on a Chuck high from the beginning of the new season, I thought we’d have one of my favorite characters, Captain Awesome, face up against Marvel’s Captain America.

(But I’ll bet you figured that out from this post title.)

(I mean, I hope so.)

Any man who can look this good in a button-up shirt is a superhero in my book. My book of superheroes.

I don't know. For some reason, I feel really, really patriotic right now. God bless the USA!

Captain Awesome’s superpower is the power of being awesome. Captain America’s superpower is the power of being … well, actually, also awesome. But who’s more awesome? And will lokifire go for a record useage of the word awesome in this post?!

We can only hope so!

On to the awesome battle!

Physicality. I’ve finally started spelling physicality right on the first try. I’m feeling really good about that. To make up for it, I’m probably going to spell awesome wrong every time I type it. Back on task, here, though: Captain Awesome is a preternaturally well-built blonde with awesome eyebrows. Captain America is a … well, actually, preternaturally well-built blonde with awesome eyebrows. Winner? I’m picking Captain Awesome, because he is a real person and Captain America is a drawing. Who should be played by Captain Awesome in a live-action movie.

One's already in the works, huh? Never mind, then.

Rallying cry? Captain America gets to say “Avengers Assemble,” which is pretty cool, but not as cool as something like “Avengers avenge!” because you’ve got the whole Thing That Their Name Is in there. Captain Awesome says “awesome” and variations thereof. Winner? I think you can probably tell from my tendency to overuse a certain word (that certain word is the word “awesome,” in case you thought I was trying to avoid overusing it in this case) that my bias here is for Captain Awesome. You would be right in believing that, and Captain Awesome wins.

Hangs out with superheroes? Among his friends, Captain America counts Thor, the Scarlet Witch, the Incredible Hulk and possibly Spider-man. He and Spider-man might just be acquaintances, though, and I wouldn’t blame Captain America for secretly finding him annoying. Captain Awesome is married to Ellie, sister to supercomputer-in-his-head Chuck, who is spy buddies with Sarah Walker and John “The Best Baldwin of All” Casey. Sadly, however, no matter how much ass Sarah Walker and John “So Hot” Casey kick, they are not actually superheroes.

I really like this picture of Adam Baldwin, so I thought I would use it here for no apparent reason.

Chuck comes the closest, because having a computer in your brain seems like it really should be considered a superpower, but his soul-crushing awkwardness kind of makes up for that. Winner? Captain America.

Is a doctor in real life? I think Captain America’s job is being Captain America. Don’t quote me on that, because I’m not a big fan of Captain America and his Marvel wiki entry is realllllly long. Also, see previous posts re: lazy. Captain Awesome, however, is totally a doctor! And a heart surgeon of some kind to boot! Whattaguy! Winner? Captain Awesome.

Best uniform? You can’t think of Captain America without thinking of that television movie where he wore a motorcycle helmet for some reason.

Wait, does Captain America even HAVE a motorcycle?

Ha, ha, I’m just kidding. Everybody knows what Captain America’s costume looks like! The flag, only a really ripped guy is wearing it!

God! Bless! America! My! Home! Sweet! Home!

Captain Awesome wears scrubs, and sometimes goes shirtless. Which is awesome.

So very awesome.

The winner? I love a shirtless man more than just about anything (well, a specific kind of shirtless man, which is to say a shirtless man who clearly spends more time on his abs than he would on me), but “shirtless” does not a uniform make. Captain America.

Has a cute brother-in-law? Is Captain America even married?

Gratuitous photo of Zachary Levi alert! Gratuitous photo of Zachary Levi alert!

Wait … waaaaiiiit. Are you stacking the deck in Captain Awesome’s favor? Obviously.

Why would you do that? Because Captain America is boring.

Well, let’s make that a category. What, so Captain America can win at being boring?

No, so Captain Awesome can … you know what? Shut up. You shut up.

You do realize you’re the only person writing these, so you’re arguing with yourself? And that I referred to myself in second person!

Moving right along, is an actually fun and interesting character? Some people would say Captain America is a fun and interesting character. Those people are wrong. They need schooling. Either of the traditional sit-in-your-desk-and-do-homework kind or the less traditional getting-your-ass-kicked-by-Captain-America-haters kind. People complain about Superman being a boy scout? Captain America is a boy scout. On the other hand, Captain Awesome tangoed shirtless and pantsless (not boxers-less, though) with his soon-to-be brother-in-law. Two observations here: 1) That’s interesting! 2) I have never used this many hyphens before in my life. Winner? Captain Awesome.

Let’s just end this already and pick an overall winner. Captain Awesome, because he is awesome.

And he has great hair.