Holy smiting angels, Batman! Legion looks awful!

January 20, 2010 at 11:56 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , )

Before I get into the “movie I’m not seeing this weekend,” I just wanted to send a personal message to The Rock, more lamely known as Dwayne Johnson. That message is WHHHHHHHYYYYYYYY? How much money could they have offered you for your dignity, Mr. The Rock? Was it enough?! Was it enough???!!!

Or for your SOUL?

*cough*

Moving on, we have Legion. (Cormac McCarthy’s The Road finally got to the theaters in my town like, what?, six months after it opened? I won’t be seeing it because the book was a soul-sucking vortex of depression, but at least it should be good, so I can’t make fun of it. I mean, I could try, but I’d probably just end up wanting to kill myself instead. So. Legion?)

Legion is about how God has decided to rid earth of the human race.

Announcer guy says something like: “Last time, He sent a flood. This time, He’s sending angels.” Now, I don’t want to tell God how to do His job or anything, because there is surely nothing that will send me on a path to hell faster than that, but I feel pretty confident I can tell Movie God this: You want to destroy humanity? And You’re God? Why don’t you just send a giant comet this way or have the sun flare up really big? Why bother with the creepy angel-things? What’s that you say, Movie God? Because there wouldn’t be a “Legion” otherwise? Well, you can kind of see my point then, can’t you?

I’d seen clips of a creepy old lady in some little podunk restaurant going all flesh-eating zombie on the patrons, but I never connected it with the movie about the angel with the battle wings until I watched the trailer. I had always assumed they were playing that bit for laughs, but I’m starting to think perhaps not.

I mean, you're sure you're not going for some sort of Sam Raimi thing here?

So, anyway, the trailer opens with the creepy zombie lady who is apparently an angel? Like, really? God loves zombies as much as I do? That’s so cool! Then there’s some other angel that gets all Mr. Fantastic on us, but actually makes me think of the spider-head monster (head-spider monster?) from The Thing. Then there’s our hero, some angel! IMDB seems to think it’s Michael, played by Paul Bettany, but that can’t be right, because he’s not an action star. I mean, he’s just so … gangly. I mean, if he’s humanity’s hope, then, well, whatever, you know?

Oh, God, we're frakking DOOOOOOOOMED!

Dennis Quaid is also in this movie, but I can’t even bring myself to care about why.

Did do a google search for his picture, though.

Also, there are some lame fight scenes that try to be awesome, but can’t, because there’s no such thing as an awesome fight scene with wings. There’s just not.

(Also, there’s no such thing as an awesome fight scene with Paul Bettany, because, I swear, isn’t he a character actor? Seriously, who thought of this? What a bad idea!!)

The special effects try to be awesome too, like this creepy scene with a bunch of angels swooping down like giant, angry locusts, but they all hit me the same way the scene in the restaurant with the kindly old face-eating zombie lady: like they should have been played for laughs instead of for serious.

Oh, there is one good line. Well, it’s a combination of two lines that together make pretty good: “I don’t even believe in God.” “Well, he doesn’t believe in you either.” (P.S. That might not be right, but please don’t think I’m watching the trailer a second time just for accuracy.)

Anyway? Final thoughts on Legion: 1. Kill us harder, Movie God; 2) Unless you are planning to send Paul Bettany as our savior, in which case, your plan will almost certainly come to human-exterminating fruition; 3) Tell Dennis Quaid to start investing his money so he doesn’t have to do this sort of thing anymore. Thank you.

Actually, I'm pretty sure somebody just said, "Hey, you know what would be cool? Angels with GUNS!" And they were right, except that then they went and made Legion.

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