Toys I regret breaking in my childhood years

January 26, 2010 at 12:10 pm (Top Ten)

As a child in grew up in the ’80s or thereabouts, I went through my share of ridiculously faddish toys. From the Transformers knock-offs The Go-Bots to Trolls, I had it all. Even a few “girl toys” here and there.

Of course, none of those toys survived the trip to adulthood. Some were donated, either to a shelter or to my cousins via a loan that was never returned. Some went missing. Some were simply taken by the ravages of time. And some of them were destroyed, either by myself or my little brother.

This post is about those toys.

1. The Stuffed Elephant. This is the first toy I remember my brother breaking, that little bastard. It was a cute stuffed elephant that I had gotten at the hospital for some reason. Do kids still get toys at the hospital? I don’t even know. Anyway, my beautiful, wonderful stuffed elephant was ruthlessly murdered by my brother and his tremendously hard head as I beat him with it. What a jerk.

I should've just used my fists.

2. The ugly Barbie my grandma gave us. Once, after a trip to visit our father’s mother, my brother and I returned home with a Barbie doll that we hated soooo much. It was so ugly, we popped the head off and threw the body away. The head remained in my drawer of stupid, useless things for years and years, as a reminder that you shouldn’t pop the heads off of toys that were made in the 1950s and are now worth hundreds of dollars.

But I mean, Gods! Would you want that hideous thing looking at you all day? The only mystery here is why we threw out the body and saved the head.

3. Castle Greyskull. For Christmas one year, my parents let me in on a little secret. They had found an entire set of He-Man toys at a garage sale and were hiding them in their closet until Christmas day, when they would make the trek out to the tree for my younger brother. Of course, until then, I had free rein to play with them whenever he wasn’t at home (and my parents didn’t know what I was doing). My little brother always thought it was odd that the gate on Castle Greyskull never closed quite right; I told my parents it must’ve come like that.

And you always made me play with the Teela toy instead of Man-At-Arms.

4. A lightsaber. As I was enjoying a mighty lightsaber battle with one of my younger brother’s friends at his birthday party, a little boy who didn’t know me remarked that he wanted the toy that boy had. I was that boy, or, alternately, a girl with a cool 1980s short haircut. My girlishness enraged by the thoughtless comment, I wailed on the poor bastard who was battling with me, unto the ultimate death of my awesome lightsaber. My parents never bought me another one.

Of course, MY lightsaber didn't even light up, so it sucked anyway.

5. Stupid Go-Bots. Yeah, for some reason, I never had Transformers as a kid, only Go-Bots. They sucked, but I regret breaking them because those little pieces sank into the carpet to strike back at our bare feet another day. Stupid Go-Bots. You guys suck so much.

Go-Bots are made with cheap plastic and the tears of children.

6. My comic book collection. Now, comic books aren’t actually toys, per se, but I loved them like they were. I read my copies of Elfquest till the covers wore off. I had a special spot on my bookshelf reserved for comic books alone. I made my parents take me to the local comic book store, which they believed was a den of drug addicts and child molesters, and bought back issues. Those were the days. The glorious, glorious days. Then my mom wanted me to clean my room and I wouldn’t do it, so she threw away everything that was on the ground, including that comic book collection. I still miss that issue of “Outsiders.”

Later, I met Wendy and Richard Pini at Comic-Con. They were really nice.

7. Bicycle. I hate bicycles. I hate them so much. But I really regret blowing out the front wheel on my bicycle by crashing it into my brother’s bicycle and landing flat on my face so that I ended up with a scab that prevented me from eating for a week because it formed over my mouth. And the kids in my class made so much fun of me, the bastards. I hate kids and bicycles so much.

Like monkeys, bicycles will kill us all. Perhaps the greatest danger we will have to face is monkeys ON bicycles.

8. Legos. How do you break Legos? With a lot of stomping, that’s how.

STOMP!!!

9. AT-AT Imperial Walker. Another of my brother’s Christmas presents that my parents rescued from garage sale hell. Seriously, who puts up their kid’s Star Wars collections for sale? Desperate people? Evil people? At any rate, we played the hell out of that AT-AT. We walked it up the stairs. We walked it down the stairs. We threw it down the stairs. Gods, we were really a couple of little assholes.

Yes, this could've been our AT-AT, if only we weren't a couple of jerks.

10. Speak & Spell. After ET came out, every kid wanted a Speak ‘n’ Spell. And I got one. Stupid know-it-all Speak ‘n’ Spell. I beat it to death one day in our driveway, pounding it against the concrete. I’m not quite sure why, but I do know it deserved it. Stupid egghead toy.

Stop judging me, you supercilious bastard.

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5 Comments

  1. Jamin said,

    🙂

    man, i think everyone must have been an evil bastard asshole as a child. i attempted to murder my friend from across the street when i was 4. i had a little metal snow-shovel and i just could not resist finding out what it would feel like to hit him on the back of the head with it.

    also, i used to drive my brother and sister to tears by convincing them not that they were adopted, but rather that they were doppelgangers. so not only was i an asshole, i was a nerd asshole.

    • lokifire said,

      Wow, that is nerdly assholish! Props to you, Jamin!
      Speaking of evil children, my little brother could always kick my ass and could usually convince my mom that it was somehow all my fault, except for the time he hit me in the face with a pair of nunchucks and tried to convince my mom that I’d done it myself to get him in trouble. Even my mom was like, “Yeah, I don’t think she’d hit herself hard enough to leave a bruise just to get back at you.”
      She was right. I’d’ve hit him hard enough to leave a bruise. Duh.

  2. Jeremy said,

    I had an AT-AT, too. I saved my allowance for 16 weeks to buy the sucker and then, when I found out I was still only half-way to the retail price, I had a nervous breakdown. Seriously, my parents cracked under the pressure and gave me the other 16 bucks. I’ve still got it, in a box in the attic at my Dad’s house. But it’s broken … of course.

    • lokifire said,

      Yeah, all the cool toys are broken.
      I’m impressed that you managed to save your allowance for 16 weeks when you were a child. I was always like, oooooh, what will five whole dollars buy?

  3. Natalie said,

    Oh my God I love the Speak & Spell! I’m such a dork that I actually enjoyed the learning toys. And Rainbow Brite.

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