Dear Veronica Mars, please stop starring in movies that suck

January 27, 2010 at 11:43 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

Dear Veronica Mars,

I know your real name is Kristen Bell. I know that. But I can’t help but always think of you as Veronica Mars, because that was the last good role you ever had.

I mean, you were kicking ass and taking names, and inspiring high school girls whose best friends had been murdered to become female detectives! So awesome!

So anyway, you’re currently starring in When in Rome, a rom-com about a magical fountain! And love! And being a successful New Yorker!

This is the wrong When in Rome, but what the hell was that popular song they had?

(Because God knows we won’t watch a movie unless it’s about New Yorkers.)

So, from what I grasp of the trailer, the storyline is this: You, Veronica Mars, are a happy young professional. A happy young single professional. Until! You run into your ex, who’s all like “I’m engaged,” and you’re all like “Son of a –” Clever editing, that. Or not, whichever. So anyway, ex is happily engaged and all of a sudden you’re like, “Must Find Love!” and so you steal coins from a fountain in Rome after a godawful amount of footage of you being clumsy at your sister’s wedding and finding the guy of your dreams. Wait…. You steal coins from a fountain in Rome after meeting the guy of your dreams. I don’t follow. I mean, I’ve never been that drunk, and I’ve been pretty godsdamned drunk. But even then, my thought processes go thusly: Oooh, it’s the guy of my dreams! I should try to talk to him! And then sleep with him! You know what I won’t do, though? Especially in my inebriated state? Climb into a godsdamned fountain and steal coins out of it.

I mean, who does that? Are we even supposed to be rooting for you, Veronica Mars?

And then the guys who threw coins into the fountain all fall in love with you, like, really? That’s the magical power of the fountain? How drunk was the screenwriter when they wrote this, because I’ve been really drunk and this is a frakking stupid script.

Anyway, I can’t help but notice that Danny Devito is also slumming in this movie, but you know what? At his age, he deserves an easy paycheck.

Yup, you just take it nice and easy, Mr. Devito. You've earned it.

But you, Veronica Mars? You need to get a new agent. An agent who will step up and say “No more godawful romantic comedies! Veronica Mars can do better than that!” But your agent will probably call you Kristen Bell, because, after all, that is your name.

Fanning the flames of desire in fanboys everywhere, Miss Kristen Bell!



  1. Travis said,

    *sigh* Sadly, she will probably NEVER have another role as great as Veronica Mars. Unless someone can convince Warner Bros to make that VM movie!

    • lokifire said,

      A Veronica Mars movie? That sounds about as likely as an Arrested Development movie happening.
      (It’s not happening, right? I can’t keep track of these things.)

      • Jamin said,

        no, the Arrested Development movie is (allegedly) happening. Veronica Mars, on the other hand, is (most likely) not.

  2. lokifire said,

    Allegedly like a new Ghostbusters movie? Or allegedly like the Spiderman reboot?

    • Jamin said,

      umm, whichever one of those implies a greater likelihood of occuring. i don’t care for Ghostbusters OR Spiderman, so i don’t really pay attention to either. it’s odd, too, that i didn’t like the Spiderman movies, considering Sam Raimi directed them and the Bruce had cameos in all 3. i guess it just shows how uninteresting the character is.

  3. Travis said,

    Well everyone involved (producers/creator/actors) wanted to do a Veronica Mars movie and Warner Bros mulled it over for a couple of years… but ultimately nixed the idea. 😦

    Arrested Development IS happening! And so is GHOSTBUSTERS 3! The Spider-Man reboot is silly… but they’re gonna do it anyway.

    • lokifire said,

      I’ll believe the Arrested Development and Ghostbusters 3 movies when I see them. Or a sentence that makes more sense, whatever.
      I can’t wait for a newer, grittier Spiderman!
      (Is there a font that implies sarcasm? Because I meant to use that font for that statement.)

  4. Shannon said,

    Gotta say I love Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
    Fucking hilarious 😀

  5. bkwriter4life said,

    Haha! Four years later and the VM movie happened! I’m so glad. But When in Rome was pretty damn awful And that godawful You Again. But she bounced back in Frozen and she’s killin’ it on House of Lies (which I unfortunately haven’t seen) and of course, the VM movie. I hope Frozen opens up more opportunities that showcase her acting range. Great post!

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