A love letter to Elijah Snow

January 28, 2010 at 11:50 am (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , )

Today, I launch a new category on this site, wherein I propose to fictional characters. Yes, I know they’re just make-believe. I love them anyway. No, mom, it’s not my love of fictional characters that keeps me from meaningful relationships, it’s my crippling commitment issues.

Moving right along, let’s start off with a fictional character I’ve already proposed marriage to a couple of times on Hollywood Hates Me: Planetary’s Elijah Snow.

An image for reference, so you non-Planetary-reading jerks know who I'm talking about.

Dear Elijah Snow,

Let’s get married.

I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I think I would be perfect for you. Sure, you’re a character in a comic book who is over 100 years old and has superpowers and I’m a real person who is not that old and my only superpower is being snarky, but just hear me out.

We would be perfect together.

Your power is to make things cold? I’m always cold!

You’re a two-dimensional figure? Coincidentally enough, I am also very two-dimensional! (It’s kind of a joke. Work with me here, Elijah Snow.)

You’re 110 years old, but you look quite a bit younger? I totally have a thing for older men! (I also have a thing for younger men, but that’s got naught to do with you, Elijah Snow!)

In addition, you’re fighting to save the world from evil and you also keep archives of your doings! Hey! I love to write. I could totally come along with you on your adventures and write things down. Please protect me from the crossfire, Elijah Snow. You wouldn’t want your lovely bride to die tragically. Or, ooooh! Maybe you do. Maybe I could die tragically as you hold me in your arms and cry, “NOOOOOOOOO!” Except I don’t think you would actually do that, unless Warren Ellis gives the rights to Planetary to a lesser writer.

Also, I think me and Jakita Wagner would get along like a house on fire. That’s a thing old people say, right? “Get along like a house on fire”? Should I stop emphasizing your age here? Is that kind of ruining my argument for our future bliss?

I mean, yeah, I might be a little intimidated by her awesome beauty and her superpower to kick everything's ass, up to and possibly including Batman's, but I think my admiration could outweigh all that.

Because I think we could be very happy together. Even if you’re one of the evil incarnations from an alternate universe where you’ve killed Superman. ‘Cause you know what, Elijah Snow? I’ve never really liked Superman. So it’s okay! Let’s get married!

I forgot to mention I enjoy baking. And since I would be married to one of the richest men in the world, I wouldn’t have to work (except for when I follow you on your adventures and write stuff down about it, stuff like, OMG, my sexy silver fox husband was soooo awesome when he saved the world today, and Jakita Wagner’s hair was totally cute!) and I would bake all the time.

I assume, since you’re a superhero and drawn on paper to boot, that dieting isn’t an issue.

Because if stuff like that WAS an issue, Elijah Snow, this cover would certainly have had more bleeding on it.

And we could have a white wedding! Your hair, my gown, snow! It would be perfect.

Please marry me, Elijah Snow. We would be perfect together.

Yes, Elijah Snow, for you, I would even honeymoon in Gotham City.



  1. A love letter to Simon Petrikov | Hollywood Hates Me said,

    […] (Also, you have ice powers, and we’ve already determined that as a quality I seek in my perfect man.) […]

  2. There’s a new James Bond film already | Hollywood Hates Me said,

    […] cute than last time, and a helicopter flies upside down, and … I’m sorry, I know that I love British things, but I just don’t care about James […]

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