The best places to sneak a corpse into

January 29, 2010 at 12:24 pm (Top Ten)

So, last night, I had some horrible Weekend at Bernie’s-style dream, which is weird, because I have never seen Weekend at Bernie’s, so why am I dreaming about it?

Seriously, what is wrong with my brain that this invades my dreams at night?

(I also dreamed about a friend coming by my house with a busload of superheroes with really lame powers, but that’s neither here nor there.)

Anyway, I woke up wondering, Can I write a comic book about that? and also Hey, what are the best places to drag a corpse along with you and people might think it’s a living person?

(A bad place is a check-cashing joint near a cop, if you were wondering.)

After much thought, I came up with this list. (Note: some of the thinking might be done during the typing of said list, but I’ll never admit it.)

1. A morgue. On an old episode of Homicide, I remember the coronor was having a really busy day. So busy, in fact, that when he got done autopsying all the bodies in the morgue, he came up with one extra. Now, that guy turned up dead after a fight in the morgue, but I can totally see two guys lugging in dead ol’ Clyde and saying, “Oh, the loss of Grannie has hit ol’ Clyde really hard.” Why can I totally see that? That’s up to my therapist to find out.

Crap. Do you remember if there were ALWAYS two dead guys in the third drawer from the bottom?

2. A vampire convention of some sort, except not a Twilight one, because those vampires are pussies. Everybody is already pretending to be the walking dead here, with the black capes and pasty makeup or pasty skin from living in their parents’ basement, whichever. Why not take it a step further? Why not toss ol’ Clyde into a black cape, stick some fangs in his mouth (draw for the short stick; loser gets the job) and tell everyone he’s very serious about his cosplaying.

Japan reference number one!

3. The mall. “What? No, this isn’t a dead guy. This is a really realistic mannequin. We call him ol’ Clyde. He’s for modeling men’s suits. Be careful bending his arms.”

For the love of God, ol' Clyde, put on some clothes!

4. The movie theater. It’s dark, it’s crowded, and everybody’s already sneaking tons of stuff in there under their coats, like beer and babies. This is especially good if it’s a 3-D film, because once those stupid glasses go on, everything looks like death warmed over anyway.

See if you can find the dead guy in this picture.

5. An actor’s studio that specializes in “the method.” “Ol’ Clyde here’s playing the part of the corpse.” “Man, he’s good.”

This would be especially awesome if they were producing Weekend at Bernie's.

6. A poetry reading/art show/chamber concert. Pssh, like anybody’s go to be able to tell the difference between living and dead at one of these events. They’re boring is what I’m saying. Ha! Take that, poets, artists and chamber concerticians! (That’s like an unholy combination of “musicians” and “chamber concert.”)

It's just that I hate baroque music SO MUCH.

7. A crowded train in Japan. With everybody squished in there like sardines in a can, and possibly smelling very much like said sardines, it will seem like ol’ Clyde is standing on his own! And the stench of rotting corpse will be hardly noticeable over the stench of commuters.

And how awesome IS Japan that they have people whose job is to shove even more people onto crowded trains at rush hour? Omigod, so awesome.

8. Santa’s workshop. Not the real Santa’s workshop, that would be really hard. First, there’s all the traveling, and then there’s Santa’s awesome security system. I mean a Santa’s workshop with minimum-wage employees dressed like elves and children pulling on Santa’s fake beard. Just toss ol’ Clyde into a Santa Suit, glue a beard to him (unless ol’ Clyde had his own luxurious, snowy-white beard in his life, then you’re set!) and push him into a sitting position. He won’t need any bathroom breaks. Best Santa ever.

This is an especially awesome option if you hate children.

9. The beach. If worst comes to worst, and people notice you’re dragging this corpse along with you, just pretend like the waves washed him up and you only just noticed. “Gahhh! I thought it was driftwood!”

(Sometimes, it's hard to think of a funny caption.)

10. Work. Your superiors will probably give ol’ Clyde the position that you’ve been eyeing, actually, so maybe this isn’t such a good idea.

Yeah, like anyone's gonna notice one more dead guy.



  1. Jamin said,

    “(I also dreamed about a friend coming by my house with a busload of superheroes with really lame powers, but that’s neither here nor there.)”

    superhero shortbus?

    • lokifire said,

      Heh. Heheheheheh. Heh.

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