Barney vs. Jurassic Park velociraptor

February 1, 2010 at 12:00 pm (Fictional Character Battles)

Now, we all know what would happen if Barney the stupid purple dinosaur visited Jurassic Park: he would be disemboweled before he had a chance to teach anyone a very special lesson about friendship and shapes.

Now, as much as I’m for disemboweling, especially of stupid purple dinosaur things that what the hell kind of dinosaur is that anyway?, this is not that kind of blog. Which is a shame, and if an artistic sort has some sort of Barney disemboweling picture that they feel like sharing, I would certainly consider posting it.

Until then, you're stuck with this.

I guess you could use your imagination for the disemboweling.

Anyway, Barney the purple stupid dinosaur thing faces off against the velociraptor, which I believe translates to “really fast dinosaur with the … teeth … and the … look at its teeth!”

On to the battle:

Physicality. Sigh. I hate this category when there’s no hot people in it. Anyway, Barney is someone in a purple dinosaur costume, possibly a Tyrannosaurus Rex costume, because if there was one thing the Tyrannosaurus and its walnut-sized brain did, it was educate children. Anyway, it’s a stupid, ugly costume, and a velociraptor is, like, a perfect killing machine, with the teeth and the claws and the beady little eyes. Winner? Velociraptor.

But I guess even a guy in a purple dinosaur suit can score with the hot chicks.

Better name? Barney’s name is Barney. The velociraptor is the velociraptor. The winner is the one called the velociraptor.

Less likely to terrify your children? Really, both of these horrid beasts should frighten your children. Who dresses up in a stupid purple dinosaur costume on a children’s show? Who does that? God! But we all know that children are stupid and they like things that are stupid too. Winner? Barney.

More likely to eat your children? Now, I can’t say for sure what’s going on in the mind of the guy who puts on a Barney costume every day, so for all I know, he could be a cannibal and hosting a children’s show is his Venus Fly Trap. On the other hand, a velociraptor is going to eat your pudgy, delicious little children because their stubby little legs won’t carry them very far when the terrified fleeing begins. Winner? It’s a tossup. Seriously, who dresses up like a purple dinosaur? Frakkin’ cannibals, that’s who.

Most likely to teach your children a very important lesson? You know what I consider a very important lesson? Stay the hell away from godsdamned dinosaurs, that’s a very important lesson. Winner? The velociraptor.

Oh, God, who gave it a jetpack and scissors?

Most likely to win a fight against a third party, say, for instance, hmmmm, that guy from Blue’s Clues? Once again, the velociraptor goes for the disemboweling with the steaming intenstines being the first internal thing to be devoured. On the other hand, Barney probably has a knife. Or a gun. Run, guy from Blue’s Clues! Run! Winner? A murderous tossup.

On second thought, don't run. You deserve a disemboweling.

Better singer? Barney sings sometimes. I don’t think velociraptors do. That’s a shame. Winner? Barney.

Better runner? You don’t put veloci in your name unless it’s short for velocity, which is the thing that Usain Bolt has when he goes zooming past you and you’re like, what the hell was that? Was that a dinosaur? Winner? The velociraptor.

I'd say, "If it didn't stop to disembowel you, then it's probably not a dinosaur," but I kind of think Usain Bolt might stop to disembowel you, just for kicks. He's scary.

Overall winner? The velociraptor. Stay tuned, as I go back to human battles possibly this week or next.

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