Animals who are wholly undeserving of their badass monikers

February 3, 2010 at 6:54 pm (Top Ten) ()

Now there’s plenty of lists of horrific animals out there. Lists that prove there is a God and he hates our pasty human asses.

This list, however, is about animals whose names make them sound like really badass awesome killer beasts, but are actually not so much.

I like lists.

1. Killdeer. Omigod, it’s a bird named the killdeer! It totally dives around killing deer left and right! And it’s a bird! That’s so badass!

Oh, its call sounds like someone saying "killdeer?" That's slightly less badass then, but no less tubby. Such a tubby bird! Yes, you are!

2. Emperor Tamarin. Wow! What are you, like the ruler of all the tamarins everywhere? Do the other tamarins bow to you and bring you offerings of, I don’t know, whatever tamarins like to eat? Do you get your choice of the beautiful tamarin ladies??

Wait, it's because of your moustache? Look, Emperor Tamarin, it's a sweet 'stache, but I don't know.

3. Thrasher. Wow! A bird named “Thrasher.” Man, he probably kicks ass and takes names all day!

Or it sits around eating berries all day. Whichever.

4. Paradise Riflebird. Most animals that have the word “rifle” or “gun” in their name have some sort of special skill that is very rifle- or gunlike in execution. I wonder what the Paradise Riflebird does. Ooooh, this is so exciting!

Is that a gun? IS THAT A GUN?! Wait ... no. No, it's not.

5. Black spider monkey. My god! It’s an unholy combination of spider and monkey! What could be more terrifying?! Unless it’s a spider rifle-monkey!

The black spider monkey is still a monkey, so, yeah, it's evil, but no more so than any other monkey.

6. Volcano rabbit. Ooooh, the volcano rabbit! I doubt that it’s named for its tendency to live in volcanoes, although that would be pretty badass for any animal, and especially a rabbit. No, I think the volcano rabbit is named because of the fire-breathing it does. Or something.

According to wikipedia (which is nevers wrong! Nevers!), the greatest threats to the Volcano Rabbit are habit degradation and target shooting. Not volcanoes. Where they don't live.

7. Jackson’s widowbird. Holy cats, Batman! What the hell is this bird doing that it’s making Jackson’s wife a widow? Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s quite badass.

Wait. What? That looks like performance art, widowbird. PERFORMANCE ART. You suck.

8. Ghost bat. Yeah, yeah, everybody’s heard about the tired old vampire bat, but there’s a new bat in town! Ghost bat! It’s like what happens to Bruce Wayne when he dies!

Awwwww! They're like cotton balls of cute! Soooo cute! Cute little ghost bats!

9. Hellbender salamander. If the word “hell” is in your name, you surely couldn’t be a harmless water dwelling creature, could you?

You know what, Internet? I think you and I have different ideas of the definition of "harmless." "Harmless," to me, does not mean "pants-wettingly terrifying."

10. “Killer.”

Ironic dog names: less hilarious than you'd imagine. Oh, who am I kidding? This widdle guy is named Killer! Hee!

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4 Comments

  1. Jeremy said,

    You forget Gila Monsters, which despite their name are so slow and “laggard” as Wikipedia says and essentially harmless to humans despite being poisonous.

    • lokifire said,

      Yeah, but big creepy lizard.

  2. xray_spex said,

    your picture of “ghost bat” is close, you picked the only other white furred bat around, the Honduran White Bat. You can tell the difference because the white bat has yellowish, far apart ears, and the ghost bat has very large, close together ears. I know this is an old posting, but I figured I’d share, ghost bats are actually pretty freaky!

    • lokifire said,

      Stupid Internet, lying to me! I’m impressed by your knowledge of bats.

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