A love letter to Spike Spiegel

February 5, 2010 at 12:40 pm (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , )

Hi, Mr. Spiegel. I just wanted to let you know that if things don’t work out between myself and Elijah Snow that I am totally and utterly willing to wed you. (It’s not that I don’t think that things will work out between me and my boy Elijah, it’s just that the whole fictional character thing.)

It’s not that I think you’re second best, by the way. I think you’re great. I mean, the way you get shot and stabbed and exploded and don’t die? That’s awesome. The way you fly through outer space (occasionally) nabbing bad guys for bounty money? Also awesome. Your knowledge of Jeet Kune Do, which I can’t actually spell and have to google? So incredibly awesome. Your hair? Holy cow awesome!!

SUCH awesome hair.

What’s much less awesome, though, is the way you just can’t get over your ex.

It's kind of hard to blame you, though. Damn.

That’s just … that’s gonna be tough for us to work around. But I think we can do it, Spike Spiegel! I think we can.

Here’s why: I have incredibly low self-esteem.

You could compare me to Julia, like, constantly, and I would just sit quietly and nod and think to myself, yes, I deserve that, because I’m not as awesome as Julia and we all know it. Like, do I look that good in full body leather? No! Because I sweat! I sweat and I’m disgusting. I’m so lucky that Spike Spiegel even talks to me when Julia is so much better.

But please don't even start comparing me to Faye Valentine, because I'm not sure I could handle that.

See? See how well things would work out?

Not to mention, I’m perfectly willing to sit quietly on Mars or wherever, waiting for you. And if you ask me to quietly assassinate a few interstellar Mafia members while I’m waiting, well, who am I to say no? Who am I? Well, not someone who hasn’t dreamed of quietly assassinating a few interstellar Mafia members for my whole life, that’s who I’m not. Wait, did that make sense? What I’m saying, Spike Spiegel, is that I’m perfectly willing to kill a few low-ranking interstellar Mafia members for you, if that is what you ask of me as your bride. (I’m assuming you want me to leave the high-ranking interstellar Mafia members for you, Spike Spiegel, because that is how you roll.)

But you'd have no problem with me killing his pet bird, right? Because I would totally murder the hell out of that bird for your love.

(I hope people still say “how you roll” or Spike is going to think I’m so lame.)

Also, Spike Spiegel, and I think this is my winning argument here: I can cook up a great dish on a budget. Instant rice and bell peppers? That’s right, baby, you’ve got bell pepper and beef (without the beef). I have a variety of seasonings on hand, so you’d never be able to tell. This, and I don’t think I have to tell you, Spike Spiegel, would come in really handy as you usually don’t nab the criminals and don’t get a bounty and you’re kind of starving to death in outer space.

Actually, and I don't want to come across as a braggart, but bell pepper and beef is a specialty of mine, Spike Spiegel.

I wouldn’t let that happen, Spike Spiegel.

I mean, you're already so thin! We've got to fatten you up, boy!

Please consider my proposal.

Unless you're the Keanu Reeves incarnation of Spike Spiegel, in which case, go to hell.

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14 Comments

  1. Jamin said,

    you need a Facebook-style “like button” on here. it would be much easie than having to hop in here and say that i thoroughly enjoyed this, as usual. i’m a big fan of efficiency. as long as it’s voluntary, anyway.

    • lokifire said,

      I think you’re crediting me with a knowledge of the Internets that I just don’t have, Jamin.

  2. thatperson said,

    This was too hilarious. i actually read this thinking- omg what total loser! this is gonna be AWFUL

    but then i started i nearly awoken my dozing sisters. Holy cow it was funny. I love love love love it!

    you made my day

    • lokifire said,

      Actually, I am a total loser, so we’re both right!
      Thanks for reading!

  3. Felicia C Neely said,

    Ok, this was hands down the best thing I read on the internet today 🙂 Great job.

    • lokifire said,

      You’re so sweet! And clearly, you only spent five minutes on the whole internet.

  4. Sandra said,

    I love this it’s so cute and funny:D

    • lokifire said,

      I’d be happier about that if you were Spike Spiegel himself.

  5. Cody said,

    You’re pretty fantastic lokifire, aside from being a total loser

    • lokifire said,

      Yes, I am fantastic. Now learn how to punctuate, you wretched wank.

      • Cody said,

        Haha sorry, forgot the period. I was completely kidding, by the way. I really loved your article, and I share your love of Cowboy Bebop. Nice to intarwebs-meet you!

      • lokifire said,

        You’d better have been kidding, or I shall insult you in British some more.

  6. CJ said,

    Loved the letter. I, too, unfortunately am in love with a 2-dimensional, larger-than-life, smarter and more of a resourceful opportunist than anyone going. I quite agree, Keanu Reeves STINKS as a choice for any live action translation into live-action. Plus, I’d rather see a true (‘no name’) Jeet-Kon-Do master in action as Spike vs. CGI (A la the horrible version of Avatar or any Bond flick).
    I personally would rather see Faye (return the favor), and save Spike and Dir. Watanabe put more animé together with Yoko Kanno’s musical score. To me, the series was wrapped up too fast. And plenty of societal ills to still address.
    On the idea of turning this into live action: I can’t stand Hollywood anymore – long-standing actors are only a distraction, and sorry Keanu and Bruce Willis, you’re too old. The ‘illustrative beauty’ of the characters would never translate to 3-dimesional people. The art, itself, was better than any CGI.
    The good news for us, Loki, if you believe in reincarnation, we might be around in 2071. 😉
    Hahaha, see you then – I’m sure you’ll look hot in leather, IF they really have leather then!

  7. Deen said,

    Better if it would be james franco..seems fit on his personality…

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