Welcome to Valentine’s Week at Hollywood Hates Me! A week filled with posts about romance, love and all the other things that make Lokifire sick her pants. (Do you ever write a sentence and you think it makes sense, but later you think, maybe it didn’t?)
We’re starting off the week with a Fictional! Character! Battle!
Let me introduce it thusly:
I hate the princesses. I hate Disney. I double-hate the Disney princesses. And most especially of all, I hate the old-school Disney princesses, where it’s clear a group of balding men sat around a rectangle table and brainstormed ideas.
“Hey, Walt! What are women good at?”
“I don’t know, George. Housework and singing?”
“Housework and singing? By gum, Walt, that’s brilliant! No wonder we named the company after you!”
“I aim to please, George. Let’s get drunk!”
“Hell, Walt, I’m already drunk!”
But do you know what I hate equally as much as crappy Disney princesses, especially the non-feminated ones? Frakking Twilight, that’s what.
(What do these ladies have to do with Valentine’s day? Romances, is what.)
On to the battle!
Physicality. Dammit, I’d been doing so good for a while there, but I’m back to spelling physicality psychality on the first try. Hell, I’m not even sure I spelled it right now. This sucks. Anyway, Snow White is a pasty white Disney princess. Her description is as follows: “skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood and hair as black as something that’s really black.” I might or might not have made part of that up. The chick from Twilight is called Bella something, and the actress who plays her is pretty, I guess. Winner? The actress who plays the chick from Twilight.
Pastiest? Well, you’d think the chick from Twilight, who starts off dating a vampire and is later turned into a vampire, as far as I know, would be all sorts of pasty, but she’s more like sparkly instead. Snow White has skin as white as snow, so she’s probably an albino. Winner? Snow White.
Clumsiest? Apparently, the chick from Twilight couldn’t be perfect or teen audiences would find her patently fake. Whatever. Anyway, so she’s clumsy. Which is a total imperfection, like being selfish or somewhat stupid or something. Double whatever. Snow White is also clumsy, as she’s always tripping and falling as she’s fleeing in terror from evil witches and huntsmen with axes who are trying to cut out her heart. But it’s not a supposed character trait, I guess, so, winner? The chick from Twilight.
Is a liberated woman? Snow White sings a song called “Someday My Prince will Come.” She cleans house for seven really short fellows. She sings some more. Maybe that passed for liberated back in the day, but I don’t know. The chick from Twilight dates a vampire, which already has Snow White beat, even if that vampire is a damned mopey bastard. Winner? The chick from Twilight.
“I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that”? In the chick from Twilight’s case, “that” is “have sex before marriage,” because it is a sin and it is wrong, and married sex with one person for the rest of your life which will be extremely long now that you’re an immortal vampire is totally satisfying. In Snow White’s case, “that” is whatever the opposite of “get married before learning the prince’s name is.” I guess “not learning the prince’s name.” Whatever. Winner? Errrr, I’m not really sure how I’m rating this category. I guess the chick from Twilight wins, because at least she knew something about her husband, like maybe he was a good kisser or at least his name before they went all happily ever after.
Has a cooler alternate self in comic books? Hey! Do you know what’s a really good comic book series? Fables. Fables is a really good comic book series. That Snow White is awesome and smart and I would totally want to hang out with her. If the chick from Twilight has an alternate comic book self, I’m sure it is exactly the same as the book/movie version of chick from Twilight, because why mess with a winning formula, you know? Winner? Snow White.
In a story with more blood? You know, you’d think the chick from Twilight, what with being in a vampire story, would win this category. Well, you’ve never met the Grimm brothers, who were like the Michael Bays of their time, with all the blood and gore and giant robots in their fairy tales. (What, you’ve never heard of “The Giant Robot and the Pea”?) I mean, Snow White opens with her birth mother bleeding all over something. That’s just the beginning! It only gets more violent from there! It ends with the wicked queen being made to dance in fire-hot shoes unto her death. UNTO HER DEATH! Winner? Snow “Violent is my middle name” White.
Doesn’t encourage people to “read.” I have a coworker who thinks the Twilight series is a good thing because it encourages people to read. My stance on that is that utter shite doesn’t count as reading. This blog counts though. But who has ever sat through a Disney flick and wondered, “Hey, do you suppose the original has more blood?” Nobody! Winner? Snow White.
Now it’s a tie! I did that on purpose.
The tie-off? Why bother? I hate them both.
Oh, come on. Fine.
To break the tie between these two characters that I did on purpose, whose boyfriend is more of a cliche? Oh, Lord, you had to go there, didn’t you. On the Snow White hand, you’ve got “Prince Charming,” which is such a cliche I don’t even need to tell you that it’s a cliche, your inner cliche-dar went off all beep beep beep as soon as it read the Ch in Charming. On the chick from Twilight hand, you’ve got a brooding vampire. ALSO a horrible stereotype. However, one that’s been in existence slightly less long than “Prince Charming.” Winner? Snow White.
Overall winner? Snow White. Mostly because of Fables, though. Possibly “Snow White: A Tale of Terror” a little bit, too.