What the hell is Valentine’s Day about, anyway?

February 10, 2010 at 12:18 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend)

You know, I think it’s nice that Hollywood can make a movie and put every single celebrity in America into it. That’s nice, you know? Celebrities need paychecks too.

Good news, Leap Year movie poster! This is now my most-hated movie poster! I hate it SO much. Frak this movie poster, you know? Frak it and the horse it rode in on. Gods.

That movie, in conjunction with Valentine’s week at Hollywood Hates Me, is Valentine’s Day.

Of course, since every single celebrity in America — including that singer chick I never heard of before last month, Taylor Something — is in the movie, the trailer is kind of, well, disjointed.

You know, blonde chick, apparently famous for ... singing? Or something? I don't know.

Like, seriously, what the hell is this movie about?

Is it a slice of life film?

Is it a mockumentary?

Is it a romantic comedy?

I mean, can anyone tell? (If you can, please let me know, because I’m kind of curious, but not, like, curious enough to go see the movie, oh, gods, no.)

And why are there so godsdamned many characters in it? I mean, luckily, it’s all like, “Oh, there’s George Lopez,” “Oh, hey, isn’t that Julia Roberts?” “Who’s that skinny guy? No, not Spiderman, the one who was in a Spiderman movie and … crap, now he’s gone.”

And please just admit that, with a face like yours, you can't look serious and people won't giggle a bit.

So it’s not like you have to learn the character’s names or traits or anything, just identify them with the celebrity that portrays them onscreen and you’re set. But why bother? I mean, if we want to see celebrities do stuff, isn’t that what Entertainment Weekly and stuff is for?

Right?

And does anyone else besides me want to smack Julia Roberts every time she smiles? I mean, she’s just got too many teeth and they’re all so straight and perfect and it just makes me irritated. It’s totally irrational, I know, and she totally doesn’t deserve it, but I really, really, really want to smack that smile right out of her repertoire.

Just, bam! Right in the kisser!

Oh, and who keeps dying Jessica Alba’s hair blonde? It looks really weird.

AND making Fantastic Four movies, because ugh.

So, anyway, Valentine’s Day opens on Friday, which is not Valentine’s Day, but close enough, whatever, and they’ve already got a sequel in the works. I mean, they’re already assuming this piece of nonsense will be a hit, just because every conceivable celebrity is in it. Please, join me and stop them! Fight Hollywood! Fight the man! Don’t see this film!!

I mean, they can't even make a poster that doesn't suck, why would you expect the movie to be any good?

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1 Comment

  1. berban said,

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

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