Olympic athletes who are PROBABLY not androids

February 16, 2010 at 7:26 pm (Top Ten) (, , )

But maybe they totally are, I don’t know.

1. Apolo Anton Ohno.

This is a really cool photo. I don't feel like saying anything snarky here. That is all.

Why he could be an android: Because is it really humanly possible to compete in short track speed skating at that many Olympics and not lose a finger here or there?

Why he’s actually not an android: Androids probably wouldn’t go Hollywood as quickly as Ohno did, unless they were designed to do that.

2. Johnny Weir.

Why he could be an android: Because only an android could make that many people care about figure skating.

Why he’s actually not an android: Because C3PO is the only flamboyantly gay robot in existence.

The infamous fox fur uniform! Hey, PETA, the fox was already dead, how could he NOT wear it?

3. Shaun White.

Why he could be an android: Because androids are awesome and snowboarding is also awesome? Seriously, the Flying Tomato (*snicker*) totally should have had his head taken off in an accident a few weeks back. Why didn’t he? Because he’s an android.

Why he’s actually not an android: Because no self-respecting android would let anyone nickname it the Flying Tomato (*snicker*), I don’t care how red its synthetic hair is.

That hair's not synthetic, though, which is probably for the best.

4. Evan Lysacek.

Why he could be an android: Like Father Tres before him, this guy has mastered the art of the piercing stare that makes you wee your little girly pants right before he shoots you/figure skates.

This is not Evan Lysacek.

But I can see how you would be confused.

Why he’s actually not an android: He probably just mastered that piercing stare because so many people were like, “Oh, figure skating, yeah, that’s gay.” Piercing stare. “Well, maybe it’s not that –” Piercing stare. “Christ, man, I’m sorry! Stop looking at me! I’m so sorry!”

5. Lindsey Vonn.

Mother Nature is her bitch. (I've decided I'm going to use "(something) is (blank)'s bitch" more often.)

Why she could be an android: Because, really, can the human body actually travel at those speeds without falling into little bloody pieces all over the course?

Why she’s actually not an android: As painful as a bruised shin can be (speaking from horrible car wreck experience), it wouldn’t stop an android. Of course, it hasn’t stopped Ms. Vonn here, either, so maybe she totally is an android. Awesome.

6. J.R. Celski.

Why he could be an android: Speaking of surviving painful injuries, this guy totally slashed his leg open with his own figure skate after a short-track speed skating pileup. He “recovered” (read as: “was repaired”) in time to win bronze at the Olympics.

Why he’s actually not an android: Well, I’ve watched the footage of that accident, and that was totally blood. A lot of blood. Holy cow blood! Damn you, NBC! Seriously, he’s just a really awesome human with a supra-nasty thigh scar.

And a bit of a baby face, awwwww.

7. Lindsay Jacobellis.

Why she could be an android: In addition to being an awesome athlete, this snowboarder has gorgeous hair. Snowboarders don’t have gorgeous hair. I mean, have you seen the Flying Tomato (*snicker*)?

Look at that hair! What kind of product does she use? It's beautiful!

Why she’s actually not an android: Because then we wouldn’t keep hearing the story about how she took the silver at the 2006 Olympics by making a very non-android move. (Showboating.)

8. Dale Begg-Smith.

Why he could be an android: I don’t know. He’s called the “International Man of Mystery” or something equally dramatic. It’s because he doesn’t like to talk to the press … probably because he’s an android.

Why he’s actually not an android: Or he doesn’t want to talk to the press because they are going to ask him about his business, which is spamming. And, thanks to Asmiov’s laws of robotics, we know that robots can’t harm humans in a manner that cruel. He’s totally human.

Incidentally, I've always imagined spammers looking like this, only fatter.

9. Rachael Flatt.

Why she could be an android: Jeez, she’s a 17-year-old high school student who’s on the honor roll, in the Olympics as the top qualifying U.S. female ice skater and wants to attend an Ivy League college to study biomechanical engineering or medicine. Oh, and she seems really, really nice. No human can do all that.

And just soooooo cute!

Why she’s actually not an android: If she was really an android, she would probably use all that android energy to commit acts of some sort of evil. (Yes, I’m ignoring Asmiov’s Laws here, even though I cited them earlier. I’m capricious like that!)

10. Anyone in curling.

Why they could be androids: Because, really, you would have to be programmed to want to compete in/watch this “sport.”

Why they’re actually not androids: No. They totally are.

If you're not using these to bash your opponent's tender bits, then I think you're doing it wrong.

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1 Comment

  1. greg said,

    Heh, I’ve been watching curling the past couple days because I love watching obscure Olympic sports (I do the same for the summer games whenever something like handball is on). It’d be a fun game to play while drinking–not to mention even more fun to watch when people are drunk, and on ice.

    Lindsey Vonn is totally not an android. No android would use cheese therapy to repair an injured shin.

    And I heard that Bozeman is pondering making a bid for the 2022 Winter Olympics, too.

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