Shutter Island is all, like, whatever, holy crap, you know?

February 17, 2010 at 6:24 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , , )

So I finally got around to watching a trailer for Scorsese’s Shutter Island. And I’m not quite sure what happens in it, except that Leonardo DiCaprio embarrasses himself with the crappiest accent this side of Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. (Except that I love Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins, so to hell with his shite accent!)

He danced with cartoon penguins! He! Danced! With! Cartoon penguins!!

DiCaprio shows up at the island and is met by Ben Kingsley, who is playing an evil doctor. You can tell he’s evil because they got Ben Kingsley. Why bother to get Ben Kingsley if the doctor is going to be good or even average? You wouldn’t bother, because he is Sir Ben Kingsley, and this doctor is going to be evil as hell. As hell, sir.

Kingsley, god bless 'im, will still bring his A game of evil to this bit of tripe.

Then there’s the crazy people like crazy shushie lady and crazy guy in a cage and crazy Leonardo DiCaprio and his crazy accent. (Yeah, I think he goes crazy at some point, kind of like whoever (whomever?) put together this trailer.)

Remember the early '90s? How people thought DiCaprio would be a major heart throb? Boy, they sure were wrong, weren't they.

Also, it’s not clear, but I think this movie is set, like, in the ’50s, because the nurses are all wearing those white dress uniforms, which nurses just don’t do nowadays because of the bleeding and vomiting that their patients do. God bless the modern nurse.

And God bless the naughty nurse costume, I guess.

I’ll bet you’re wondering what all this has to do with the Olympics. Well, Frak-all, actually, but this movie just looked so horrible I couldn’t not warn you.

It’s like Scorsese was all focusing on camera angles and atmosphere and forgot to make sure his actors could use accents they don’t even need for some reason. Also the thing that makes things make sense. Plot. Yeah, that.

In conclusion, watch the Olympics instead! (Too little, too late, maybe? Happy Olympics week!)


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