Theme weeks are a little bit limiting, so rest assured that next week, I will go back to pop culture stuff, and possibly the Olympics (Olympics!) if I come up with a good idea, but for now, here’s a list of 10 snowboard trick names that what the hell were they thinking?
1. Double McTwist 1260. Shaun White didn’t even need to do this trick to win his gold medal, but he did, because he knew we wanted to see it. It doesn’t have an official name yet, but right now, everybody is calling it the Double McTwist, which makes it sound like some sort of extra-large McDonald’s milkshake thing.
2. Backside rodeo. Err, this sounds like some sort of sex thing.
3. Chicken salad air. This site describes it thusly: “The rear hand reaches behind the front leg, grabs the heel side between the bindings while the front leg is boned. Also, the wrist is rotated inwards to complete the grab.” That’s all fine and dandy, but what the hell chicken salad?
4. Gay twist. This actually sounds like a move Johnny Weir might whip out on the ice-skating floor. In fact, maybe he should sue them.
5. Roast beef. I’m starting to think snowboarders are a voraciously hungry lot.
6. Stiffy air. “Any maneuver in which both legs are boned and a grab is incorporated.” I should say so! Hey-yo!
7. Tail poke. Come on, you guys! Why are you trying to sound even gayer than football, with the “tight ends” and all? Is it all food and homoeroticism for snowboarders? Is it? IS IT?
8. Hammer. The name’s not that funny, but the description — “to ride as hard as possible” — is certainly supporting my earlier theory.
9. Iguana air. In which the rear hand grabs the toe edge near the tail. Exactly like an iguana would do.
10. Nose butter. Is apparently “when you do a nose manual and your feet are facing forwards.” Not the punchline of a bad joke, like, “she’s a butternose. Everything’s hot but … oh, wait, I mean nose butter.” Also, not a synonym for snot. (?)